What if the first few times are the best ever sex?

[MN Tom 251]

Mrs. Tom here with a question I had after talking last night.

 

Hubby and I have been discussing swinging for a bit, and last night during a lovely massage a thought popped into my head.

 

What if the first/second/third.. time I experience another man ends up being the best sex I've ever had?

 

I posed that question to hubby, and his response was "That would be awesome!"

 

I would guess this sits in the same room as expecting some slight amount of jealousy, it being another feeling to have and discuss.

 

Anything to look for or plan on? Yes, I know it's like predicting the future, maybe I won't have this feeling, maybe other feelings instead, it's all a guess.

[MrsPandMe 150]

Well, you don't get into this to have gawdawful lousy sex, sweetie!! Melissa and I have found that the sex we have swinging is awesome, but it is different then the thing we have with each other. I suppose the reason would be that my wife and I have the emotional connection that we would never have with a swinging partner.

 

But to hope the sex is good but not as good or better then with your partner would be selling yourself short!

 

Mr. P

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Mrs. Tom, this is a common cause for concern. In fact, we had a recent poll regarding this topic. It can and does happen. MrsPandMe is right. If you get into this, you're not in this to have bad sex, right? That would sort of defeat the purpose, no? "I think I'll try this new flavor of ice cream, but I sure hope like heck it doesn't taste better than my favorite ice cream!"

 

I'm not concerned if my wife finds a sex partner that is better than I am.

 

For one, our own sex lives with each other are but a small (but important!) part of our overall relationship. Another man giving my wife incredible sex isn't replacing me in any respect. He can't. He doesn't share the years of being together, the deep understanding, the passionate love, the zillions of other things about our relationship that make it special.

 

For two, if he's doing something that makes her feel incredible, then I'll either figure out what he's doing that's so great and/or ask him directly. I'm always up for learning, especially when it comes to pleasing my wife. I'm certainly not the Kama Sutra in walking human form, and don't think I have all the answers when it comes to sex, not by a long shot. But I sure as heck want to spend the rest of my life trying to get them all!

 

For three, I'm very devoted to my wife. I do many things to bring pleasure, happiness, contentment, and ease into her life. That's one of the reasons why I enjoy her swinging; she gets a lot of pleasure from it, and it makes me happy to see her happy. She's had some not so good partners, and I was actively disappointed that she didn't have as good a time as she could have. I'm actively excited when she's having a GREAT time having sex with someone else. Most especially in MFM scenarios, the better time she is having while having sex with someone else, the better time I'm having.

 

Insecurity and jealousy can be problems for some couples getting into the lifestyle. Approach the issue together, as a team. Be together, enjoy together, focus on the two of you and what both of you get from it together. If you start to feel yourself slipping towards another person emotionally, then by all means inform your husband. Then decide what to do about it mutually. For my wife and I, she can have sex with someone as much as she wants, but if romantic love starts to develop then we call it quits cold turkey with that person. If you feel yourself having incredible sex with someone, don't restrain yourself. It's _OK_ to enjoy it! You're SUPPOSED to enjoy it! If your utter enjoyment of it makes your husband uncomfortable, jealous, or insecure, then take a step back and re-evaluate before swinging again. Same goes for how you feel with him enjoying sex with another woman. Some insecurity, discomfort, and jealousy is entirely normal. But, don't accept it as ok when it starts becoming something other than a minor thing. It's a source of problems, and needs to be addressed by both of you, together.

 

Also, your husband isn't nuts (you didn't say so, just sayin') because he enjoys the idea of you having a great time having sex with someone else. Well, if he's nuts he's in a nut house filled with an awful lot of us from this board! So, good company

[lustylearning 705]

So, what if? Just cuz someone knocks my orgasmic socks off doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly feel differently about my husband. Matter of fact, I've had my socks knocked off and wasn't even motivated try for a second "hookup." The bottom line is, it's just sex. I have met men who have better "technique" for me than my beloved. Hubby has met women who literally melt into him and have him aching with lust, leave him with the glorious, "ooooh, I hold the keys to her kingdom" feeling. I've never once thought, "Oh dear, it's the beginning of the end."

 

At the end of the night (or morning, take your pick), you go home with the one you love, and no "rock your world" sex partner will change that, unless there's something broken about your relationship to begin with.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Something to remember is that something new is always exciting and make it seem like it may be the best in the world.

 

New does that. May not really be better but by being new can feel great at the time.

 

As many have already said, this is not about replacing anyone or anything, but adding to what you already have.

 

In most cases sex is a small part of a real relationship, being new. great or even better should not have any effect on a real relationship.

[MN Tom 251]

Mrs Tom here again, thank you all for responses!

 

It has never been a concern that I would want to leave, I was moreso wondering what to expect or how other gals handle such a thing. And after reading that poll, I am not going to act like the majority.

 

Hubby and I talk a lot (usually every night when he's massaging me in bed) and that was one of the things we both agreed upon very clearly, we want to know what new techniques or skills really work well for us.

 

No way would I keep something like that a secret, if anything I would be telling him as soon as possible.

 

I am expecting (and hoping) that the "newness" does have some good benefits. New tingly feelings are good.

 

 

Addendum from Mr Tom, . Sweet that she posted, I gave her the info last night. She knows full well that I hope she has the best time possible, and neither of us have any concern of someone leaving. We've been married 15 years now, and it's only getting better with time.

[Cajun2Step 65]

We have read lots of posts since we became members of the Board.

Just our two cents worth but the post by bbarnsworth is the best post we have read on any topic since we became part of this family of friends.

 

We would suggest that it be read by everyone who is in this lifestyle or considering it as an option.

 

Thanks for the great post.

[LFM2 1,482]

Mrs. Tom here with a question I had after talking last night.

 

Hubby and I have been discussing swinging for a bit, and last night during a lovely massage a thought popped into my head.

 

What if the first/second/third.. time I experience another man ends up being the best sex I've ever had?

 

I posed that question to hubby, and his response was "That would be awesome!"

 

I would guess this sits in the same room as expecting some slight amount of jealousy, it being another feeling to have and discuss.

 

Anything to look for or plan on? Yes, I know it's like predicting the future, maybe I won't have this feeling, maybe other feelings instead, it's all a guess.

 

Hi Mrs. Tom. What a common thought this is. I remember thinking the same thing before we started this wonderful journey into the unknown.

 

This is actually what we love about sex with others -- variety. We love that we can potentially have better sex with someone else. It's absolutely awesome to see your spouse in such an experience that they are really and truly having the sex of their life.

 

It's one of those times where a man can make me absolutely delirious with pleasure and yet, it would be Mr. LFM that would run to his side and ask him to show him what he did and make him give a demonstration.

 

To date, I have to say that sex with others is so awesome that we love watching each other with our partners. I can't say that any man has been better, but different, which in itself is exciting and new. There are some techniques that some men know that my husband doesn't and that is so cool to experience.

 

Good luck!!

[MN Tom 251]

We had some more discussion on this last night (this is the guy talking again) and we are seeing this lifestyle discussion as bringing up some rather cool intangible benefits.

 

One example is :

 

I posed a similar question to her (as that poll had) and said now what would you answer that question like before any of this discussion took place. Her immediate answer was she would never tell me, main reason being she would be worried it would hurt my feelings.

 

Well, as many of us know, keeping some things unsaid due to a perceived "protection" such as hurt feelings rarely helps out in the long run. Especially since I would be like bbarnsworth mentioned, and that is I would really want to learn what she really liked and disliked. I know Im not mr perfect, never will be, but I do want to learn. I'm not alive in life just to meddle through on a mediocre level with no desire to improve.

 

This subject matter (the lifestyle in whole) has really opened up our marital dialogue, and we were no slouches in that category to begin with. Just in talking with most of our friends we notice that most of them barely talk about sexual subjects with each other at all.

 

And the thing is, even if sex is only a fraction of your daily life, it spills over tremendously into other facets.

 

Whoops, preaching to the choir a bit. haha

 

 

Great discussion board by the way, thanks for all the work many of you do to keep it that way. We've been to quite a few marriage seminars, read many books, been in discussion groups, and most of them avoid the "taboo" subject far too much and in the end it doesnt work out well.

Our church group even had a small group discussion and series on sex, and due to the way they structured it, it failed to work for most folks.

They decided to segregate the men and women for most of the discussion, and honestly that was the deathknell. I even argued the point with the leadership, and it was fruitless. Putting up a barrier between the spouses just makes no real sense. Yet, oddly that is how most people said they felt more comfortable duscussing the topic

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

We have read lots of posts since we became members of the Board.

Just our two cents worth but the post by bbarnsworth is the best post we have read on any topic since we became part of this family of friends.

 

We would suggest that it be read by everyone who is in this lifestyle or considering it as an option.

 

Thanks for the great post.

 

major, major (blush) Hi praise indeed!

 

As I've mentioned before, when my wife and I got into the lifestyle we had a zillion questions. A great many of them were answered by reading this forum. We had many great conversations, lots of hysterical laughs (I remember reading about a mother trying to save her daughter's dignity by removing some semen from said daughter's neck right before the daughter was to be seen by a bunch of dinner guests, or something like that), and posited some questions ourselves, which were readily answered here. If it wasn't for this board, I doubt we would have gotten into swinging.

 

Since then, we've continued to learn and evolve, and hopefully will always do so. But, both of us have felt a debt to this board, and a responsibility to the community to provide what input/assistance/advice/whatever to people coming into the lifestyle that we can.

 

We try. Thanks for the praise

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I posed a similar question to her (as that poll had) and said now what would you answer that question like before any of this discussion took place. Her immediate answer was she would never tell me, main reason being she would be worried it would hurt my feelings.

 

Well, as many of us know, keeping some things unsaid due to a perceived "protection" such as hurt feelings rarely helps out in the long run

 

I too think holding things back often leads to more trouble than it supposedly solves. It builds walls. I'm reminded of a Robert Frost poem, "Mending Walls'. Walls make for good neighbors, but they shouldn't be there with spouses. Your spouse is not your neighbor. It's not that I think it's wise or even fair to be brutally honest. I do think it's wise to inform, from as nonjudgmental and helpful stance as possible.

 

It's like the old joke about a husband being asked whether a particular outfit makes his wife look fat. As the joke goes, "there's no right way to answer that!" I don't believe that. There is a right way to answer that; love.

 

I'm not alive in life just to meddle through on a mediocre level with no desire to improve.

 

Quotable quote for living!

 

Just in talking with most of our friends we notice that most of them barely talk about sexual subjects with each other at all.

 

Most couples don't. We think it's sad. You're cutting off such an important aspect of development, of love, of sharing. That approach pretty much guarantees a stagnant, dead sex life by the time you're 50.

 

And the thing is, even if sex is only a fraction of your daily life, it spills over tremendously into other facets.

 

My mother, raised very Victorian, hardly ever hinted at anything sexual, etc. said on many occasions "Sex is not the bricks of a marriage, but the cement that keeps it together".

 

Whoops, preaching to the choir a bit. haha

 

Preach on, brother Tom! All praise the good gospel of libertine sex and self indulgence!

 

 

Putting up a barrier between the spouses just makes no real sense. Yet, oddly that is how most people said they felt more comfortable discussing the topic

 

Weird, isn't it? But, that's what society teaches us, that's how society raises us.

 

I remember boys and girls being separated for a special 1/2 day class when I was in sixth grade. It was all about puberty, what was happening to our bodies etc. Boys were strictly forbidden from being anywhere NEAR where the girls were getting their seminar, and same for girls being near the boy version. What a healthier world it would be if the introduction to the next level of humanity didn't include segregation.

 

As an antipodal to your frustration with the church; old girlfriend of mine and I signed up for an intimacy class together. Several sessions over a month, covering a number of topics within intimacy. Fantastic stuff, and great for relationships. The class wasn't segregated, discussion was frank and open. Any thought put forward by anybody had to be treated with respect, and we were never to say anything negative, even in jest. Negativity is often the defense of the afraid. Interestingly enough, the class (which at times was quite explicit) was taught by three Roman Catholic priests. Not what you would expect, but these guys were knowledgeable. They really knew their stuff. Fantastic class.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with. It took me a long time to talk her into doing it. She was worried that I would be angry with her. She expected me to be jealous and couldn't understand why I would want her to have sex with another man. I told her that she was a very beautiful, sexy woman to me and I wanted to watch her having sex. I told her I expected her to enjoy it and to relax and have fun. The first time was all I was hoping it would be. It's a long story. She loved it. They had great sex together and I didn't mind. I'll admit that it was hard for me to watch them the first time they "made love" together in front of me. Watching them kissing together in a very passionate way made me feel uncomfortable at first.

 

I'm guessing from your husbands comment when you asked him "What if it's the best sex I ever had?" and he said "That would be awesome!" that he, like me, expects you to enjoy it. It's hard for me to explain but I wanted my wife to have sex with another man in front of me not just because it was something I wanted to see but I wanted to give her the opportunity to have sex with anyone she felt attracted to as long as we did it together as a couple. I felt our marriage would become stronger.

 

It wasn't until later that I came to the realization that men can have sex for sport whereas women feel an emotional attachment to whoever they have sex with or think about having sex with. This is why men can have "affairs" with other women and it's like another day at the gym and their wives or girlfriends get angry and can't comprehend that there is no emotional attachment. I'm betting that the women their husbands or boyfriends are having affairs with feel an emotional attachment and the wife/girlfriend knows that and that is what they are angry about.

 

I don't know if your husband realizes that you might feel an emotional attachment to the guy/guys you have sex with but speaking from my perspective as a man he might not be thinking of it that way. I didn't want my wife to have sex with other men because I didn't love her.

 

I hope your first experience together goes as well as ours did. From that first time we both were hooked.

[Guest cherrysbarrys]

wow this is great stuf ...to be or not to be ...is pale in comparison...to the freedom required to seriously discuss it in the first place ...and the courage to become more than who we were yesterday ...thank you

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's easy to say "That would be awesome" but yes there would be a level of jealousy. I think if something like that happened, you have to be careful how you present it and not to constantly dwell on it to the point of making him feel bad (inadequate).

[SaSsyNsWeEt 41]

NO one is so great at sex that it would cause me to want to throw away my marriage... and I would bet you both feel the very same way! My husband and I choose to look at it as giving each other a gift. You wouldn't want to give your husband a lousy present, you want him to have the very best and sometimes that means setting our pride aside and realizing that other people are probably better at things than we are. Which is a good thing, then you might learn a few new tricks!!!!

 

Best wishes!

[Ed & Bunny 160]

For some things I like to keep it simple. On this one, there is a big difference between making love and just sex. I dont swing to make love to someone, its sex that I am after. Bunny on the other hand gets both.

[twohots4u2 188]

Each time we swing with a guy or a couple, I hope that my gal has a fantastic time, and if it is the best ever, wonderful. She says she wants the same thing for me. It goes to some of the reasons we swing, to have great experiences in our lives. However, we only swing together, never separate rooms, or apart. As a "together" thing, we feel that it brings us closer together.

 

Oh, and Yes, we did swing with one guy that she said was the best sex she had ever had. And every time we want to get a little hot and horny, we talk about the time with him.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Ya know, just sitting here thinking about the Best Sex Ever...

 

The first time I had sex with Mrsfun was the best sex ever.

She said she felt the same way...

 

On our honeymoon night, we had the worst sex ever... (long story and I'm pretty much to blame)

 

The first time I made 1000 dollars. I took all of it, in 20 dollar bills, threw it on our bed and we fucked passionately all over that pile of money (we were very poor and had children). But it sure seemed like the best sex ever.

 

There have been many anniversaries that have led to the best sex ever.

 

There have been many times we faced our own mortalities, that led to the best sex ever. One when the brakes failed on Mrsfun's car while taking our son to the dentist. We still look down the long hill through our city not knowing how they made it through all those traffic lights, untouched. Another when I was returning home from work our plane crashed in the landing strip, Mrsfun standing at the hanger watched it all happen... I can assure you, these were some of the best sex moments we've ever had.

 

Having sex the first time with others, was the best sex ever. As well as the times (many of them) during and after, sex with others.

 

When each of our children were married. Mrsfun and I had the best sex ever, when we got home after the ceremony's.

 

Some times, the best sex happens that is out of our control and other times, we make it happen or just let it happen.

 

I'm just saying, is it so bad to have the best sex ever, even with others. I can't wait until the next time, which might be today. For no reason at all...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'd be surprised if most of us didn't say the first time or two was about as awkward as our first times having sex in general. That said, if it turns out to be the best sex ever, you'll probably just want to do it more.