Soon to be a single, no longer a couple

[ArousedInterest 34]

I will not go into the whole situation, but me and the misses will soon begetting a divorce after 10 years of marriage. It has nothing to do with swinging, we are both ok with that part of us.

 

I am just unsure on how to continue, let alone trying find someone who sees sex the same way that me and the mrs did.

 

I just don't know how to start all over again, but not leave the lifestyle behind. Anyone been in this spot before?

[lotsoffun201 175]

I have been there too recently. I think you should forget about continuing in the lifestyle for a while. You will be doing it as a single male and probably not be allowed in many of the places you were as a couple. I had many, many offers and turned everyone of them down just because I would have felt uneasy.

 

Now you should be focusing on finding someone in your life, if you want that, and worry about the lifestyle stuff later. I was fortunate in that the new Ms. lotsoffun was curious about it and SHE wanted to persue it. Personally I would have forgotton about the lifestyle.

[oncewere 84]

I'm reminded of that old WW I song "How ya gonna keep em down on the farm after they've seen Paree." If you've really enjoyed swinging, you may find an empty place in your life with a woman who won't have any part of the lifestyle.

 

Before you let yourself fall in love with anyone new, talk out how both of you feel about sharing. It's tempting to wait until you are committed to ask those kinds of questions, but that could be a mistake. Take it from one who knows, make sure that both of you understand and are willing to live with whatever you both choose.

[lotsoffun201 175]

I probably should have mentioned that when I met the new Ms, I immediately told her about my past. I figured that it would be better not to hide it since I still maintained my friendships with lifestyle couples and singles. It would have come out anyway so it was best to "come clean" up front. I told her it wasn't for me anymore but was part of my past and felt she needed to know this if we were going to take our relationship any further.

 

Again, she was the one who wished to persue it so it worked out on many levels. But most importantly, it worked out between US and neither one of us have ever been happier. Best of luck to you

[Alura 2,775]

I have to echo the idea of leveling with any potential new relationship about your swinging past.

 

A year and a half after Mrs. Alura's death, I found myself back in contact with a woman I had a pretty hot relationship with when she was 25 and I was 31. I knew I had to tell her about my swinging past without delay. I did so and found her very receptive to the idea. She's not convinced that she will ever want to swing but she understands the attraction ("Well, if a couple does it together, it isn't cheating.") and has not ruled out the idea.

 

On the other hand, we're kinda old (70 and 64) now, so it's unlikely we'll ever find ourselves in a swinging situation. The air is clear, though, and we're developing great communication.

[divenaked 325]

After my divorce, I still received invites to parties. I made sure I didn't act like the average single, and paid very good attention to my female partners. It wasn't long before I had a reputation for being a caring and skilled single male in the area, and the invites kept coming. To make a long story dull......I met a single female on a lifestyle trip to the Big Easy and we have been together as a couple for over six years now. There is swinging after divorce.

[ArousedInterest 34]

I think that part of the problem is I will still get invites. I just do not know how I should respond and I am also afraid of feeling strange going alone. If that makes sense to everyone.

My other concern was hit on right away here. Should I be honest and tell a potential knew "friend" about my lifestyle. There are so many misconceptions to begin with, as we all know. It's so much to think about, plus I do not want swinging to become a crutch for a lost marriage.

[bi4me2 93]

I think that part of the problem is I will still get invites. I just do not know how I should respond and I am also afraid of feeling strange going alone. If that makes sense to everyone.

My other concern was hit on right away here. Should I be honest and tell a potential knew "friend" about my lifestyle. There are so many misconceptions to begin with, as we all know. It's so much to think about, plus I do not want swinging to become a crutch for a lost marriage.

 

(him)

 

Honestly I think you have to sit down and have a long talk with yourself. You probably have some issues to deal with due to the divorce. Assess your life and if you are sure you are in a good place and still want to swing then I see no problem with it.

 

As far as dating and telling them right away you are a swinger? Not sure how well that would be received.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

(him)

 

 

As far as dating and telling them right away you are a swinger? Not sure how well that would be received.

I think that that is the point. If swinging is important to someone it is better to find out sooner rather than later if the new partner has any issues with it. Plus with the negative attitudes some have about swinging its better they leave now rather than after investing a lot of time in a relationship.

 

On the other hand, we're kinda old (70 and 64) now, so it's unlikely we'll ever find ourselves in a swinging situation. The air is clear, though, and we're developing great communication.

 

Alura

 

Alura, what does your age have to do with it? I have seen many people your age on SLS. On a personal note, I would be happy to swing with more than a few of them. Dont let your age hold you back.

[ArousedInterest 34]

It is important to me and I would like a person to fell the same.

 

I have an old friend from HS, who is also single at this point, that swings and we will do some together as a couple after the divorce I am sure. I know us, lol.

 

I think it is just that I am not sure I would know how to bring up the subject with new person.

 

Heck I am just glad me and the ex will be living far apart, cause she has no want to leave the Lifestyle either. That could be weird.

[Alura 2,775]

 

Alura, what does your age have to do with it? I have seen many people your age on Swing Lifestyle. On a personal note, I would be happy to swing with more than a few of them. Don't let your age hold you back.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Ed & Bunny! Age has to do with less energy and a feeling of "been there, done that" which lessens the drive to do all the work required to find playmates.

 

Besides, this old/new relationship has a lot of sorting-out to be done before we can consider trying to find the needles in the haystack... old swingers.

[Alura 2,775]

I think it is just that I am not sure I would know how to bring up the subject with new person.

 

"How do you feel about group sex?"

 

[ArousedInterest 34]

"How do you feel about group sex?"

 

 

I am usually the master of straight and to the point. Wow I am off cause never thought of doing that way.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I think that part of the problem is I will still get invites. I just do not know how I should respond and I am also afraid of feeling strange going alone. If that makes sense to everyone.

 

My other concern was hit on right away here. Should I be honest and tell a potential knew "friend" about my lifestyle. There are so many misconceptions to begin with, as we all know. It's so much to think about, plus I do not want swinging to become a crutch for a lost marriage.

If the invites are from people who don't know your divorcing/single status, then I would let them know, along with finding out if you are still welcome to join them (as a single) for play, parties, meet and greets, etc. If they respond positively, then you can decide if you want to accept the invites. You'll only know what going it alone is like after you try it.

 

I've not been in your situation, so I can only share what I would do.

 

When it comes to vanilla dating, wasn't there some old rule about no sex until the third date?

 

Not that I'd live by that rule, however, when it comes to telling your date that you are/were a swinger, I would likely use the third date rule. I figure by the third date, I'd know if this person was someone I hoped to keep around, either as a FWB or maybe a companion. Once knowing that, I'd tell them more about myself, to include my interest in swinging.

[naughtyus74 16]

Any rules about group sex on the third date?

[ArousedInterest 34]

If the invites are from people who don't know your divorcing/single status, then I would let them know, along with finding out if you are still welcome to join them (as a single) for play, parties, meet and greets, etc. If they respond positively, then you can decide if you want to accept the invites. You'll only know what going it alone is like after you try it.

They will all know my new status and it won't change a thing, I guess it just seems to be weird to see myself as the "single" male, now.

 

I am so glad for a the help and advice I get here.

[Alura 2,775]

Any rules about group sex on the third date?

 

Absolutely none, Naughtyus! Group sex is appropriate no matter when it happens.

 

I think Like Minds is onto something, though. While I wouldn't count the dates I would count the progress in communication. Hopefully, by the third date, the "I won't get angry at any question that may be asked" rule will be established and some discussion of relationships and sex would have already taken place.

 

I would not let "How do you feel about group sex (or swinging)?" be the first inquiry about her feelings about sexual mores.

 

I've found the good thing about that question is that it leads to discussion; it cannot be answered by "yes" or "no." It's a good way to form any question you might want to ask to learn about a person's opinions.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

I (the male half) did a lot of dating after my first marriage ended in divorce and before I met the love of my life. I also had several serious relationships. The third date rule is actually pretty good. I found that with anyone I dated it became clear by the second date whether it had any potential. It was also interesting that by the second date, any lady with potential and I were having sex. So discussing sexual history and sexual preferences seems an important topic by the third date. In my experience it often began during the first and second dates.

 

Having the experience of life and previous marriages or relationships is such an advantage to dating at an older age. Discussions become meaningful much quicker and you know so much more about sex and what you want from a relationship. You quickly find out those for whom sex is not an integral part of life, and can move on. In fact it usually was quite easy to find that out in the email stage as well as much more. I absolutely loved online dating for that reason. There could be as much communication before meeting as you wished.

[The Fuse 1,012]

We have a good friend whom we met while he was part of a lifestyle couple. Now he's a single male. He's the only single male we've ever had any kind of play with, with one minor exception. We both value his friendship. I particularly enjoy the friendship he has with Mr. Fuse, who tends not to have many real friends.

 

Our single male friend is in a tough spot, because he is adamant that any woman he dates would have to be into the lifestyle. So although he's tall, handsome and engaging (yum), it's a rough row to hew. He does want a girlfriend, but we all know the numbers. Congratulations to the earlier poster who found a lady in the lifestyle.

 

We recently did something arguably not too bright: we encouraged him to date a vanilla lady friend of ours. They seemed like such a great match on paper, and Mr. Fuse and I were hopeful that her generally open-minded attitude would translate into interest in swinging. They like each other, and if he were vanilla I bet it would be a match. But our guy friend doesn't want to ask her on a second date because, although he likes her and finds her attractive, he has a gut feel she wouldn't go for it. The problems with opening the discussion are obvious. Not only is his secret on the line, but by proxy, mine and Mr. Fuse's. She is also good friends with our best vanilla friends, who are wonderful but would never understand nor approve of our hobby. So... our male friend did what's probably the right thing: didn't touch her on their first date, and told us how he felt and that he'd be leaving it alone.

 

Sigh... I guess that means he's only going to date women who are already in the lifestyle? I'm not sure how that's going to play out for him. He may get lucky. But ... whew...

 

On a related note, I wish our vanilla female friend weren't going to experience the disappointment of apparent rejection. She really dug him and was pretty excited about their one date. She's a great woman, really attractive, and someone we like a lot and see pretty often. I'm partly responsible and probably made a mistake. But nothing ventured... I just thought maybe it might work. Our male friend is probably smarter than I am.

 

Our single male friend said something pretty wise. It was to the effect that our attitudes about sex and swinging are pretty much second nature to us now. It's easy to think that anyone who seems open-minded and tolerant would at least be curious about swinging. But the truth is that it's so far removed from most peoples' way of thinking that it wouldn't be acceptable to most people even when they seem like the type who wouldn't think we're going to hell or something. It just made me feel more sympathetic toward those lifestyle folks (particularly the men) whose relationships break up. Then it's kind of like they inhabit a totally different mind space than most people they meet. It's hard to date that way unless you really limit yourself to people who've already made the jump, unless you're willing to give up the lifestyle to be with the right vanilla. And he's not willing.

 

I'm curious to see how his story plays out.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you've been playing together, chances are good you've made some friends who will be happy to continue swinging with you solo. If you've been going to clubs then you know which ones will be open to single guys.

 

At this point your primary concern shouldn't be trying to find a new Mrs who is open to swinging. Once you feel you are ready to seriously date again, just be sure to look for someone who is open-minded in general, open to new things, open to discussing sex. If you find that there's a good shot that when you start telling her about your past experiences, it will not only go well but get some thoughts sparked and she will be interested in seeing what it's all about.

[Gordo 618]

Ok my wife and I opened profiles on a dating site for a lark.

 

I put in the profile that I was sexually very liberal and if words like swinging or threesomes bothered them don't bother replying.

 

14 replies within 2 months. I almost tempted to pay the $$$ to join to find out who.....

 

Assuming you would use something like a dating site to meet new possibilities it seemed to work OK.

[Alura 2,775]

We recently did something arguably not too bright: we encouraged him to date a vanilla lady friend of ours.

 

Years ago, we introduced a divorced lady friend to a divorced man with whom we'd played (along with his ex-wife) while he was married.

 

We thought they might find each other interesting. She had a bit of a history of having Friends with Benefits for sex only. One-night-stands when she was randy were not unknown. She had once hinted at an FMF with Laura and me although nothing came of it. We thought she had a chance in the lifestyle and he was a great guy... a trim and fit college professor with a six-figure income who knew his way around a lady's pussy.

 

He tried to engage her in conversation about the lifestyle. Their dinner date ended with her saying, "You're a fucking pervert!!" Enraged, she stormed out the door. He later married a gorgeous grad student.

 

We never tried to introduce anyone again.

[ArousedInterest 34]

Just a quick update for now, due to the fact I am exhausted. I may have accidently walked straight into an old friend who is still inerested in me and to top of herself has been in the lifestyle for quit sometime. It's a little early, but it is an almost like a meant to be situation. A 11 year seperaration and we just happen to be reconnected and find out we ate in almost identical situation. As teenagers we where almost inseparable (although we never had sex), but I joined the Army life went on for both us and here we are at 36. I willmupdate soon.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Years ago, we introduced a divorced lady friend to a divorced man with whom we'd played (along with his ex-wife) while he was married.

 

We thought they might find each other interesting. She had a bit of a history of having Friends with Benefits for sex only. One-night-stands when she was randy were not unknown. She had once hinted at an FMF with Laura and me although nothing came of it. We thought she had a chance in the lifestyle and he was a great guy... a trim and fit college professor with a six-figure income who knew his way around a lady's pussy.

 

He tried to engage her in conversation about the lifestyle. Their dinner date ended with her saying, "You're a fucking pervert!!" Enraged, she stormed out the door. He later married a gorgeous grad student.

 

We never tried to introduce anyone again.

 

Alura

 

Yeah... on spending some more time with her, I find her completely delightful as a friend. Unfortunately I have heard nothing to encourage me to think she might be interested in or open to swinging, even after probing a few subjects like casual sex in general. It's a bummer. I could just see the four of us doing all kinds of things together, vanilla and otherwise. Sigh...

[dr_pepper 25]

I have been following this thread with great interest, since my situation is somewhat similar.

 

I am now divorced and while never having been fortunate enough to actually participate in the lifestyle, I was married for a while to a lady who was open to it, we just never managed to find the right couple(s). And our parting had nothing to do with sexual issues.

 

Right now, I am living in a very platonic relationship with my first wife. This came about mainly to help her out during some problems. Unfortunately, with this goes the lack of access to dating other women. So, until this matter is resolved, I am at a stand-still.

 

This same lady, is the one who told me shortly after we met, 46 years ago, about the "key club" that was meeting in the neighborhood we now live in. She found it to be horrible, and thus it was obvious that my interest in the lifestyle was going no where. But, I was very young and not too bright and accepted that. Big red flags should have been waving. Of course her thoughts on the subject have not changed.

 

At my age of 68, I doubt that I will happen to find a woman who would be open to the lifestyle, but hope springs eternal. I do concur with the thoughts of being very open with any possible mates or even FWB's, about your interests and desires. I have told women before about some of my interests, but was afraid to push the issue of the lifestyle. The one woman I was married to who was that open minded, actually brought it up to me. A very pleasant surprise.

 

I doubt that anyone can offer suggestions for my situation, except to get out of it. My sister thinks that I should just suck it up and live an uncomplicated life here, without big emotional involvements. And she is aware of some of my interests.