I'm a curious but confused wife. Should we swing?

[Violet75 45]

Hi, wife narrating here. I'm 35, hubby is 31. We have been together 3 years. I'm not sure if what we have been talking about and exploring would really be considered swinging. Hubby has slowly been opening up to me about fantasies about watching me with other women and men.

 

In my life before hubby, I was very sexually open. He knew this when we met, but acted as though none of that interested him. I had a sort of sexual awakening when I met my husband and lost interest in all the wilder things I had been doing.

 

After we had been together for about a year and a half, my husband confessed to me that he was a little envious that I had experienced so many different sexual things and he had only done the basic vanilla stuff with his first wife. He was envious of me, and of the people I had been with, that they had shared something with me that he hadn't.

 

Gradually he has expressed interest and desire in experimenting with role play, and with watching me with another woman. Then he finally told me that he has fantasized about seeing me with another man.

 

I stepped away from this life when I met him because he satisfies me completely. I don't need anything more than what he gives me. I'm cautious because when we first met he said that stuff didn't interest him at all.

 

So here we are, to learn more about what we may be getting ourselves into and if we can handle it.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Violet75 - So, I can relate to this pretty well. The only difference was that I wasn't envious of her and it never bothered me. When we took this step it was really because we wanted that "lust" that you can ONLY get when being with someone new.

In your case, it sounds like he feels slighted. Men before him got to do something with you that he hasn't...

Swinging is the greatest thing and if you two do it for the right reasons then it opens up incredible possibilities but I worry when I hear things like envy, well, envy and jealousy go hand in hand.

 

The number one thing is communication. This is a great place to read about other peoples experiences both good and bad. Use it to it's fullest. I hope you two are successful and it all works out but just make sure that you really know why you are doing it.

 

Welcome to the boards and good luck!

[lovinher 505]

I don't see this as a red flag at all. Envy is not always jealousy and his feeling are perfectly understandable. It could just be that he, knowing your past feels he is holding you back in some way. It could also be that he is genuinely interested in making his fantasy come true too make you happy. You said he wasn't interested when you first met...maybe he didn't want to sound like a horn dog or perv. So at that point he may have been trying to impress you. If you feel he is really interested in making this happen, and for the right reasons, then go for it. But only you can make that distinction. What do YOU want to do?

 

Show him this site, discuss it and pay close attention to his reactions and comments. Call it a test. Listen for the comments that criticize or belittle you or the lifestyle. If he asks for details then tell him. You'll figure it out right away. The only way to find out if you "can handle it" is to discuss it and take baby steps while gauging his reactions. Isn't that what most of us did when the subject first came up?

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Violet75,

 

Just out of curiosity, what is your desire? The post reads, you stepped away because you didn't need it anymore, you are are completely satisfied with what you get from him and your relationship, you don't need anything more and you're cautious.

 

It sounds as if he is driving everything. He expressed interest, he is fantasizing.

 

The only "we" is the last statement of concern.

 

And lovingher had all good comments too.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- There's an interesting movie about this called,"Eyes Wide Shut". It's not a perfect example of what you're going through, yet here's the gist of it. There's a marriage. The marriage is the core and central point of the movie. The husband is curious and goes sexually exploring, finds out it's not as simple or easy as he thought. We realize she had past experiences in the world that he wants to explore. She had an 'epiphany' much like yours and wanted a monogamous marriage, with child and family. Yet, she was not ignorant of the real world and the sexual drives within it.

 

In her case, she had moved past the things that her husband felt the need to explore. Ultimately, they come back to the core of their marriage. Swinging is to explore in a joint effort, not to fulfill an old quest that, odds are, should remain an old quest.

 

I know I have not phrased this perfectly. I hope you get my intent.

[swing.kidz 367]

Susan here-- There's an interesting movie about this called,"Eyes Wide Shut". It's not a perfect example of what you're going through, yet here's the gist of it. There's a marriage. The marriage is the core and central point of the movie. The husband is curious and goes sexually exploring, finds out it's not as simple or easy as he thought. We realize she had past experiences in the world that he wants to explore. She had an 'epiphany' much like yours and wanted a monogamous marriage, with child and family. Yet, she was not ignorant of the real world and the sexual drives within it.

 

In her case, she had moved past the things that her husband felt the need to explore. Ultimately, they come back to the core of their marriage. Swinging is to explore in a joint effort, not to fulfill an old quest that, odds are, should remain an old quest.

 

I know I have not phrased this perfectly. I hope you get my intent.

 

Umm...In Eyes Wide Shut, Tom Cruise's character sought out his curiosity by chasing after an exclusive group (cult) that threatened his life, the lives of his family members and ultimately killed (or so the audience was lead to believe) a woman in the cult who associated with him, all because he wasn't a member of their group...hence the difficulties he found in incorporating that lifestyle into his life, and the reason he quit... And his envy was driven only by his wife's fantasies and dreams of extramarital sex not of anything that actually took place in real life. I guess, this may give support to western values behind monogamy, that if you stray from your spouse, "death" is imminent...or something lame like that.

 

But other than the themes of 'envy' as a motivation for curiosity and for a change in behavior, I don't know how your example correlates to the OP's concerns, especially since the glaring theme of the movie is fear. That we should fear the unknown, we should fear our spouses' opinions (because they could never understand our desires), we should fear extra marital experiences...among other fears. AND we should fear death as a consequence to any of these situations.

 

I think you did the OP a disservice by using this movie as an analogy to their situation. I don't think she should fear what her husband is telling her. She should tread lightly, as we all do when discussing these things, but she should also be open and willing to embrace the things her husband tells her (with expectations of respect and consent, of course) just as he was open to her idea of monogamy and a nuclear family. Isn't that the point of marriage, openness and vulnerability?

 

Maybe I took your statements too far, but that movie says a lot...and most of it doesn't make anything outside of rigid monogamy look like a good alternative (remember Leelee Sobieski's character?).

[Alura 2,774]

from Oklahoma, Violet! We're glad you've joined us and hope your husband will, too. The wonderful folks here, as you've already learned, are wise and very glad to help.

 

 

Violet75 said:

I stepped away from this life when I met him because he satisfies me completely. I don't need anything more than what he gives me.

 

Swinging is not about fulfilling needs, just about having fun.

 

You'll never find anyone who can give you what your husband can give you, because love is involved. Swinging is about fucking, not loving. Once we learn the difference between "making love" and "making whoopie" and can separate sex from love, we all seem to find out that a spouse can't give us the "delicious naughtiness" swinging can, either.

 

We hope we'll hear a lot from y'all!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Hello, Violet75. to the Swingers Board

 

 

Violet75 said:

Hi, wife narrating here. I'm 35, hubby is 31. We have been together 3 years. I'm not sure if what we have been talking about and exploring would really be considered swinging. Hubby has slowly been opening up to me about fantasies about watching me with other women and men.

 

Opening up slowly about ourselves, is good. Good communication doesn't happen in one conversation, it takes some people more time than others. For us, it's been a lifetime...

 

 

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In my life before hubby, I was very sexually open. He knew this when we met, but acted as though none of that interested him. I had a sort of sexual awakening when I met my husband and lost interest in all the wilder things I had been doing.

 

We can understand that, if you mean you found love. Many people in the lifestyle come from different places in life. Understanding each other comes first, and will always be the core of swinging, if the lifestyle is going to work for each of you.

 

 

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After we had been together for about a year and a half, my husband confessed to me that he was a little envious that I had experienced so many different sexual things and he had only done the basic vanilla stuff with his first wife. He was envious of me, and of the people I had been with, that they had shared something with me that he hadn't.

 

I'll bet you two share more with each other now, than with anyone else previously. That's a whole new beginning if you let it be a journey together.

 

 

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Gradually he has expressed interest and desire in experimenting with roll play, and with watching me with another woman. Then he finally told me that he has fantasized about seeing me with another man.

 

There is nothing wrong in a healthy relationship, opening up our fantasies with out partners. Many people live a live of secrecy with the very ones they love... I find that sad in a way.

 

 

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I stepped away from this life when I met him because he satisfies me completely. I don't need anything more than what he gives me. I'm cautious because when we first met he said that stuff didn't interest him at all.

 

It's not easy telling some in the beginning how we really feel, and he may have in fact, not been interested. It has to do with planting a seed (an idea), and then it grows. I think at this point, the seed has began to sprout. The thing is, it takes both of you to nourish this idea with caution, then decide if you want this new way of life.

 

 

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So here we are, to learn more about what we may be getting ourselves into and if we can handle it.

 

Stick beside each other and handling it becomes more natural. And that includes culling the idea if need be, together.

 

By all means read many of the Getting Started and Curious about Swinging forums. Then talk with us here if you think we might have similar experiences, good or bad. This is a great community, we can share many ideas here.

[bi4me2 93]

Swinging is not about fulfilling needs, just about having fun.

 

You'll never find anyone who can give you what your husband can give you, because love is involved. Swinging is about fucking, not loving. Once we learn the difference between "making love" and "making whoopie" and can separate sex from love, we all seem to find out that a spouse can't give us the "delicious naughtiness" swinging can, either.

 

(him)

 

Couldn't have said it better so I will just quote you on it. Spot on!

[Swing*8701 887]

Hence why I said it was not a perfect example. Important note, it was a sexual journey he was making without her. Always leads to bad things.

[Violet75 45]

Alura said:

Swinging is not about fulfilling needs, just about having fun.

 

You'll never find anyone who can give you what your husband can give you, because love is involved. Swinging is about fucking, not loving.

 

Sorry it has been so long since I have been on, with 4 kids and Hubby job hunting, we have been SO busy. The comment above is the one that resonated with me the most. I can't believe that something so obvious had not occurred to me, especially since this was the way I had felt about sex before I met hubby.

 

While we were dating and I would try to explain this to him, the fact that I could have fun having sex without emotional attachment, he acted as if he didn't understand that. I think that's where my concern lies; I understand and have practiced fucking without love. I know how to put on the act and get into the zone so to speak.

 

I dont know if he does. We are still discussing and exploring though. I think we just need to start slow.

 

I was so impressed with the responses I got here. I think I underestimated the level of intellect I would find here, and I apologize for that. Everyone was very mature and respectful. Not at all like what I used to encounter years ago when I was out and about. Thank you so much for that.

[oldrrob 20]

Hi Violet.

 

I'm glad you found this site and the many fine folks on here, these are the most unjudgemental and helpful people on the net in my opinion. It's almost like Julie has some kind of troll dectector they just can't get past the front gate.

 

I don't see this as a complicated issue, in my simplistic way of thinking. It's quite possible that your guy had never really given much thought to an open lifestyle, or whatever you want to call it, and your initial conversations and honest disclosure merely gave him food for thought. Even more likely, since he seems to like you pretty much, the fact that you could sort it out that way, recreational sexwise, gave him even more reason to see it in the same light. And as for his remark about being envious, I don't believe he was envious of who you experienced, but rather what, and again, being the person you are and the fact that you had 'embraced' it, brought to him a new legitimacy to the concept.

 

I believe he wants to experience the same thing and with someone who appears to him, and to me, by the way, to have her head screwed on right, no pun intended. Keep talking, no matter what the real motivation or outcome, you seem to have a pretty good handle on how to handle it, yea or nay.

[JM153 346]

I like what OldRob said about your hubby. You and your husband are the only ones who will know if he is correct, but I think the way OldRob is looking at may be what is going on.

 

Violet, I am not sure what you mean by having been sexually open. You may have meant you were in the lifestyle with a significant other and everything I am saying here you already know, or you may have meant you had a lot of different partners and experiences. I am going to assume it was the latter. The core concept in swinging for me is the complete acceptance and willingness to please your partner while being true to yourself. The way most of us achieve this is through non judgmental and honest communication. The purpose is for each of us to have fun and pleasure, but the method is to do so is with respect for our partner's wishes. Hence you will read statements like "go only as fast as the slowest partner", etc. In your OP you stated very clearly your concerns. Those concerns are a good place to start talking to your husband. You expressed concern that he is envious. Ask him if he is and if so what does he mean. You stated you were very satisfied in you marriage. Is he interested because he believes you still would enjoy some variety or is it because he would enjoy some variety. Tell him he satisfies you and you don't have any desire to be with others or you do have a desire for playing with others - what ever the truth is. The main idea I wish to suggest is that the TRUTH for each of you is what you should speak and not what we are all taught to do - say what we think our partner wants to hear. This ability to be honest with each other is why so many on this board will tell you that swinging has allowed them to become closer to their partner and have a much better relationship than they ever achieved before. I know that this is true for me.

 

Honest communication will guide the two of you on this journey. Remember this is not a debate, or a sales pitch, or whatever. The two of you should not try to convince the other, but rather inform the other. And then remember in honor of your coupledom you will follow the slowest path.

 

Hope this helps.