How hard is it to return to vanilla life?

[redgirlwithfrec 33]

This is more a hypothetical question.

 

1st off we have been in the LS for about 4 years now. We have had tons of fun and there is no jealousy and we have no intentions of quitting anytime in the foreseeable future.

 

For the most part for the long time swingers out there that have had many partners, how difficult do you think it would be to reenter the vanilla only world.

[LFM2 1,482]

I'm thinking, "Why would we want to?" You scared me there for a sec.

 

It wouldn't be hard for us. We would just go back to being us. I would bet money though we'd still attend M&G's and go home after a couple of drinks.

 

We've been forced to take two breaks from the LS and it wasn't hard just living vanilla through those. I guess we've been vanilla a lot longer than we've been in this LS.

[Learning 160]

We are in a break right now due to pregnancy. I love the social aspect of swinging. I find the individuals we meet are more genuine. We went away with two couples and they ended up playing with each other while we watched. Granted that these were two of my favorite couples, there was no sadness on us sticking to being vanilla. I thought it was going to be harder but it can be done. To completely leave would be hard, but to be vanilla with some sprinkles would be okay.

[padoc 1,703]

We fully expect that we will eventually return to the vanilla world. We think that it will come when we both start to lose interest in sex and sexual variety. More importantly, we think our return will occur when other couples lose interest in us. I think that at some point, everyone gets to the place where others would prefer that they keep their clothing on. Thankfully, we have not yet reached that point.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

For the most part for the long time swingers out there that have had many partners, how difficult do you think it would be to reenter the vanilla only world.

 

On a scale of 1-10 with ten being the most difficult I would say an 8.

 

Lobotomies aren't cheap.

 

So when you say re-enter the vanilla world, are you talking just no sex with others ? That, we can refrain from for any reasons and do, according to life changes.

 

But the concept of being vanilla, ie: Thinking the lifestyle is wrong, being jealous because someone winked at us, feeling the need to hide such information about flirting from one another out of fear, thinking we need to worry about swingers around our children and that masturbation will cause blindness and nothing good will come out of our relationship because we want to have sex with other people for fun.....

 

Well, like I say. Lobotomies aren't cheap

[just4uall 15]

I agree with the above. The lifestyle is just that, a lifestyle. I don't expect to change that. I can live in the vanilla world easily. I also expect to maintain the many friendships that were initiated in the lifestyle. Sure, the desire for the physical pleasures may someday fade, but that doesn't preclude one from continuing to enjoy those friendships and camaraderie that have been developed. I know many older couples and singles that go to lifestyle events just to meet with friends, old and new. They haven't participated in the physical side in years. They still consider themselves swingers as it is a lifestyle choice that has many aspects to it.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I left for about 4 years. I just went with where life was taking me at the time and didn't think about it too much. When I left I was having marital problems (unrelated) and divorcing, making it easy. I still lurked on the boards here every so often but that's as close as I got. I reentered a year ago and if I needed to I could walk away from it fairly easy. I would mostly miss how easy it is to socialize at parties since I don't find vanilla bars nearly as friendly.

 

I think life is about focus and periods of your life you focus on different things. In the 4 years I took off I focused on my other hobbies and enjoyed throwing my creative energy into sewing and took up a few new other hobbies. Today I focus on enjoying the lifestyle to an extent but now my main focus (aside from work and family) is working on advancing my education. I'm hoping to enter a Master's program next fall so I'm expecting my focus on the lifestyle to really be cut back further. I hope to not drop out completely as I really enjoy the socializing and being able to let loose on occasion.

[Alura 2,774]

I agree with Lilo. We went back to vanilla life several times in our swinging career and never much thought about it. Twice we left the lifestyle to make sure our kids were a mixture of us and several other times just because we didn't know anyone to play with. I'd say it was all pretty easy.

 

Hmmmmm. Come to think of it, it was just as easy to return to the lifestyle when the situation was right and we had a good opportunity.

 

Alura

[The Fuse 1,012]

I think a lot of swingers would have a very difficult time giving up the physical side if the desire were still there. But I'll bet a lot of us wouldn't want to admit it. It's not politically correct among swingers to feel that way. Well, I'll stand up (virtually) and say that if I still had the desire but was asked to stop, it would not be a welcome request. Swinging isn't as important as my marriage but that doesn't mean I'd be happy about stopping.

[PB&J 1,086]

I think a lot of swingers would have a very difficult time giving up the physical side if the desire were still there. But I'll bet a lot of us wouldn't want to admit it. It's not politically correct among swingers to feel that way. Well, I'll stand up (virtually) and say that if I still had the desire but was asked to stop, it would not be a welcome request. Swinging isn't as important as my marriage but that doesn't mean I'd be happy about stopping.

 

 

Me too. I don't want to have to make the choice because I'm enjoying myself too much. Luckily, PB is too, so it shouldn't be an issue.

[ViSexual 1,008]

My wife was the one who decided that we should stop years ago. If it were difficult for her it sure wasn't noticeable. Hey, she knows that all she has to do is say so and we're right back.

 

For me it was very difficult. We still meet new friends who I feel 'that' feeling about and also feel that they are hinting with their flirtatious advances. That's the hardest part for me..., not being able to respond the way I want to.

 

But the absolute worst part is the loss of that totally open communication that we shared when we were swinging. I hate having to watch what I say to my wife and friend of so many years.

[amid 91]

Once a cucumber becomes a pickle it can never become a cucumber again!

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

But the absolute worst part is the loss of that totally open communication that we shared when we were swinging. I hate having to watch what I say to my wife and friend of so many years.

 

My wife and I figure we'll stop swinging eventually. But, we've never felt it would cause a disruption in our communication. I cant' speak from experience on this, but it seems like one has little to do with the other.

[MN Tom 251]

On a scale of 1-10 with ten being the most difficult I would say an 8.

 

Lobotomies aren't cheap.

 

So when you say re-enter the vanilla world, are you talking just no sex with others ? That, we can refrain from for any reasons and do, according to life changes.

 

But the concept of being vanilla, ie: Thinking the lifestyle is wrong, being jealous because someone winked at us, feeling the need to hide such information about flirting from one another out of fear, thinking we need to worry about swingers around our children and that masturbation will cause blindness and nothing good will come out of our relationship because we want to have sex with other people for fun.....

 

Well, like I say. Lobotomies aren't cheap

 

 

My wife read this post and thought it was very telling. Even though we didn't hold all of those beliefs before entertaining this lifestyle, some of them were definitely in place. It definitely helps that we have both seen the positive effect that more open discussion has had, not only in our sex lives but in many aspects of married life.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . But the absolute worst part is the loss of that totally open communication that we shared when we were swinging. . .

I do not understand. Are you saying that communication is compromised when you withdraw from swinging activities? Does swinging enable effective communication or does effective communication enable swinging?

[Chicup 41]

You never become an 'unswinger', unless of course you go through some sort of moral born again style shift.

 

We for a ton of reasons haven't played for over a year, and only have getting back to it as a vague whenever. Life does that from time to time, and our free time just doesn't lend itself for the chase.

 

We are still 'swingers' though in mindset, still just as open with each other and as confident in our marriage.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

But the absolute worst part is the loss of that totally open communication that we shared when we were swinging.

 

I can relate. When we go a long stretch without swinging, whether it's because life is getting in the way or whatever, it does seem like our communication sometimes suffers and devolves into the daily who is picking who up at practice, who will be home late, etc. Anything deeper than that just gets unsaid or pushed off until a later date because "I didn't think you were in a mood to talk" or "I knew you were busy so I didn't bother you" and so on. I don't know that the lack of swinging is to blame per se, but more likely it's just another symptom of the same thing - we've gotten lazy and in a rut and are allowing the daily grind to consume far too much of our lives.

 

Of all the fun times, all the friends, etc. that we've had in swinging, if it were to totally stop, the part of it I would most miss is the swinging-related conversations we have with each other. Not from any titillation from talking over what we each are looking for in regards to potential playmates, the details of what each one liked or didn't like about some play experience, or whatever, but simply the fact that we sat there over a cup of coffee or in front of the tv and had a quiet, honest conversation about those things with no hurt feelings about subjects that even scratching the surface of would send many people screaming and crying out of the room and headed straight to divorce court.

 

Does swinging enable effective communication or does effective communication enable swinging?

 

Excellent question, I've never thought of it quite like that. I think effective communication is a prerequisite to swinging, or at least swinging successfully anyway, so it's not quite a chicken or the egg thing. But, once you've met that prerequisite, then I think swinging does help keep a self-perpetuating habit of effective communication going.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you both agree, it's not hard at all. But at the same time, I don't think you ever go back to completely vanilla. There will always be a part of you that is more is open than it was before. I've been swinging off and on for over 10 years and during the off period there was a time that I was not involved in swinging anymore than discussing it on this board from a "been there" point of view. It was an easy choice for me to make because it was what was right for me at the time. That said, swinging was always a part of me, because it was part of my experiences and part of what made me who I was and am. It changes how you think, how you talk to your partner, how you look at other people.

 

There may be times in my life again where I choose to not swing (at all), I may give it up completely at some point, but I will never be vanilla.

[LFM2 1,482]

There may be times in my life again where I choose to not swing (at all), I may give it up completely at some point, but I will never be vanilla.

 

True. I believe this is what I should have said about us going cold turkey on a couple of occasions. We may have given it up, and living a vanilla LS, but on the inside, with communication and thoughts and desires, we really weren't vanilla at all.

 

Thanks for making me think of it differently.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . for the long time swingers out there that have had many partners, how difficult do you think it would be to reenter the vanilla only world.

I related this question to JoAnn. We get along with the lifestyle so well that a reason to become lifestyle-less is difficult to imagine. The most likely reason would be one or the other of us developed some kind if debilitating condition. Should that be the case, we would simply fade from the scene. There are plenty of other things to do and we would simply continue whichever we were able.

 

Short answer -- not difficult.

 

~Michael

[couplers 4,646]

Petra again here with an opinion contrary to most. Maybe I shouldn't try to answer since we are more poly than swingers and I haven't been monogamous since I met my husband, but I would find it difficult on a number of levels. First, I love both my men and if one would demand that I give the other up, I wouldn't. And beyond the love, a sex life with only one man would lack the variety to make it satisfying. (My sex with Clair is mostly in conjunction with her playing with hubby, so I don't count that.) I am prepared, however, to accept that one or both of my relationships will end some day. Not because I want it to or expect it at this point (things are as strong as ever all the way around), but just because hubby and I are in our 20s (Red in his early 30s), and humans just don't usually mate for life. And after all the sexual freedom that hubby has given me, I would never, never ask him to give up either a steady girlfriend like Clair regardless of where that goes, or taking up more casual sex partners as he did previously.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I think it depends on what we mean by “vanilla”. If you mean going from open-minded and sexually adventurous to buttoned-up and battened-down then I would like to think that it is impossible barring an untimely conversion or some other equal tragedy. I really don’t think you can put that genie back in the bottle.

 

But if you mean going from swinging to “not swinging” then it really is pretty easy – and you don’t even have to try for it to happen.

 

We LOVE swinging and for a few years we were extremely active – every night on every weekend and dinner through the week with friends. Even our travel was focused mostly on swinging. Then one day, we had to put things on hold. Life, death, illness, children, money, no money… Take your pick just don’t write your priorities in pen.

 

A month turned into a year as one thing after another piled on and before we knew it two years had passed. I kind of missed it, but didn’t have time to think about it.

 

I used to wonder how life would look once our bedroom door was closed to everyone but us, and I never dreamed I’d find out the answer this early. I think I was afraid that it would be tough to go back to monogamy. But what I learned is this: the same things that make it possible to survive swinging also make it possible to survive without it.

 

Trust, communication, love, commitment, honesty… I’ll bet we could flesh out this list if we wanted.

 

Outside of swinging our sex life has gotten better and better. I can confidently say that the best sex I’ve ever had has been in the last week. Ask me in a week and I’ll be able to use that line again (as long as she keeps doing that one thing she does). Sexually I really don’t miss it - and I’m fairly certain that if a couple goes in and comes out with the right attitude and at the right time, they won’t miss much either.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed my playmates and had amazing sex with many of them. Some of my best sexual memories are definitely wrapped up in swinging. We haven’t closed the door entirely. There is always a place on our pillow for the friends we’ve made (hint, hint - you know who you are) and we are open to new friends should lightening strike. And, yes, our lightening rod does get raised now and then.

 

But I don’t miss the long nights, the crazy weekends, the “blind dates”, the endless email, the hangovers... I don’t miss the pettiness, gossip, drama, etc. that is the part of any community, including our little swing community here in Ohio. We’ve talked about getting back in, but if we do it will have to be in a way that cuts down on what we don’t miss and gets us back to what we do.

But no hurry.

 

I guess the answer is – it really isn’t that hard. Mrs Spoomonkey and I have always been “Partners in crime” and we remain that way. Our crimes change, but the partnership hasn’t. We’re happy, googly-eyed in love, and the bed still shakes the neighbors. We were “us” coming in and we are “us” going out.

 

Spoomonkey

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I used to wonder how life would look once our bedroom door was closed to everyone but us, and I never dreamed I’d find out the answer this early. I think I was afraid that it would be tough to go back to monogamy. But what I learned is this: the same things that make it possible to survive swinging also make it possible to survive without it.

 

Trust, communication, love, commitment, honesty… I’ll bet we could flesh out this list if we wanted.

Great statement, from a great mind. I've read your post here (like about 16 times) You two are truly missed around here on the Swingers Board, Spoomonkey I didn't even want to post to this thread, because just seeing your name again in the forum list is really cool. There were times, I would leave groceries in the living-room just to get to the computer to see what you've said.

 

Ahh, who am I kidding. I still do that anyhow

 

For Mrsfun and I, we have taken a different approach to swinging now. We don't really need the personals websites. The clubs and lifestyle friends are just a phone call away, if and when we desire. We fall more into the category of occasionally spotting someone out and saying "how do y'all feel about swinging" We learned that line from the Aluras

 

Oh, Oh, Oh, I cant wait any longer to say Happy Birthday to MrsSpoomonkey this Sunday. Could you pass that along ? I have my alarm set to post early, but just in case. We wish you both, a great day !

 

 

fun4ds

[Spoomonkey 421]

We learned that line from the Aluras

 

You can never go wrong learning from Al

 

Oh, Oh, Oh, I cant wait any longer to say Happy Birthday to MrsSpoomonkey this Sunday. Could you pass that along ? I have my alarm set to post early, but just in case. We wish you both, a great day !

 

I definitely will! That will put a big smile on her face - and I like it when people put a smile on her face, whatever it takes

 

Spoomonkey