Regret, it works both ways

[MN Tom 251]

The mrs and I have been seriously discussing swinging for a handful of weeks now, and we've been working through the mental and emotional roadblocks.

 

One thing that had come up though was regret, and I was having a bit of trouble with it, and the mrs was having even more trouble with it.

 

This morning though while we were talking it hit us, the light bulb clarity type of moment in regards to regret.

 

What we had been thinking was that regret was only in one way, meaning that we felt much more regret for things we did that didnt work out well or that we shouldn't have done.

This morning though, we came to realize that the regret felt from things not done was just as bad if not worse.

 

 

And we all know what typically drives that result of regret, and that is fear. Fear of failing, fear of doing something wrong, fear fear fear. And that fear was handicapping us into avoiding making any mistakes.

 

Probably seems like old hat or "of course" info to most of you, to us though this was really a nice revelation to come across.

Regret is a two way street, and regretting not doing something is easily on par with the regret from doing something that didn't pan out.

[Contessa47 15]

The mrs and I have been seriously discussing swinging for a handful of weeks now, and we've been working through the mental and emotional roadblocks.

 

One thing that had come up though was regret, and I was having a bit of trouble with it, and the mrs was having even more trouble with it.

 

This morning though while we were talking it hit us, the light bulb clarity type of moment in regards to regret.

 

What we had been thinking was that regret was only in one way, meaning that we felt much more regret for things we did that didnt work out well or that we shouldn't have done.

This morning though, we came to realize that the regret felt from things not done was just as bad if not worse.

 

 

And we all know what typically drives that result of regret, and that is fear. Fear of failing, fear of doing something wrong, fear fear fear. And that fear was handicapping us into avoiding making any mistakes.

 

Probably seems like old hat or "of course" info to most of you, to us though this was really a nice revelation to come across.

Regret is a two way street, and regretting not doing something is easily on par with the regret from doing something that didn't pan out.

 

This is almost exactly the way we think. We worked our way through the fear (or walls) that blocked who we really are. We like to say that when fantasy becomes reality it is very exciting and a great way to live and meet people:rolleyes:

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

Yes, fear is handicapping. There are legitimate fears. It's not that fear is always wrong. It's part of good decision making. But, fears that are not founded on anything concrete, or clearly irrational are definitely handicapping. They prevent wide open doors from being walked through. They prevent new opportunities from happening. If the two of you were too fearful of rejection, then you would not even be having this discussion; you would never have gotten together to get married.

 

You have but one life to live (unless you subscribe to Buddhism, or the like).

 

Years ago, before we got into swinging, my wife and I were discussing going skinny dipping. She'd said "Maybe when the kids are out on their own" (which is years and years away). That was depressing to me. I didn't want to save everything in life to the time after my kids are gone. How depressing! We talked about the abstract idea of seizing the day in general, and now we're well past what either of us thought we'd do in the here and now. And, we did it together.

 

My wife and I discussed several times the thought about how we'd feel afterwards. It's a bridge to cross, having sex with others. If crossed, can you go back? Can you get back to the couple you were? Will it really change your relationship for the negative forever? After much discussion, we realized the fear was unfounded. We love each other more than can be described. Consensual sex with others wasn't going to change that.

 

Take counsel of your good thoughts and reasonable questions. Don't take counsel of unfounded fears.

[MN Tom 251]

Absolutely awesome post bbarnsworth. So good that when my wife stopped home for the few minutes she has between job locations today, I had to show it to her. She agreed, it was very poignant, and it relates to much more than just swinging. Change the vernacular and this posting could be used to describe jobs, hobbies, many aspects of life.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

Absolutely awesome post bbarnsworth. So good that when my wife stopped home for the few minutes she has between job locations today, I had to show it to her. She agreed, it was very poignant, and it relates to much more than just swinging. Change the vernacular and this posting could be used to describe jobs, hobbies, many aspects of life.

 

Thank you

 

Of course, such rationale is why people jump out of perfectly good airplanes

 

Swinging the first time can be like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. "What the hell am I DOING!!!!" comes to mind for some But, growing up we've been inculcated in a number of things, and some of them impose irrational fears on us. It can be hard to break the social programming.

[MN Tom 251]

Thank you

 

Of course, such rationale is why people jump out of perfectly good airplanes

 

Swinging the first time can be like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. "What the hell am I DOING!!!!" comes to mind for some But, growing up we've been inculcated in a number of things, and some of them impose irrational fears on us. It can be hard to break the social programming.

 

I have jumped out of an airplane, and dang was that fun. My wife won't do that though. There are limits to her desires.. haha

[lovefest04 701]

"show me one person who can go through a day without 1 good rationalization" The Big Chill.

 

I might regret (which can be synonymous with guilt) taking this action, oh wait I might regret not taking it. See now we can swing all we want. One big rationalization.

 

I happen to agree and love a good rationalization, so I'm on your team MNTom. But, lets face it, life is really made up of a series of choices. There are many influences that can affect the choices we make:

 

fear our children will find out

fear will be outed

fear of rejection

peer pressure to do it

religious beliefs

etc etc etc.

 

Then when it's all done, we have to lay on that big king size multiple partnered bed, :facelick: looking God or the devil or whomever in the face and be able to say, "I did the best I could, I loved and I lived a full life and I have no regrets." That's it. My wish is that everyone could do that today and each and every day from now until they pass. What a life that would be.

 

Regarding crossing a bridge and ever being able to go back. Every day we have experiences that change us, some internal in that we think about them and make a semi conscious decision to DO something and sometimes, these experiences are imposed upon us. Some are big and many are small, either way, there is never any going back. We are constantly evolving, constantly learning and we can let this destroy us or become part of us. As each day passes, we move forward, different from the previous day and different from the next.

 

Stability comes from, as bbarnsworth suggested, us and our commitments to those around us. In the case of swinging, understanding that having sex with others is really just another experience, it can only have negative implications if we allow it to, if we lose site of what is really important to us.

 

TN Tom, go out have fun. you have MY permission (i know you were waiting for it ) to experience all that can be your life, just remember what's most important to you. No regrets.

 

I know it's only 2:15, but I think I'll go an have a beer and leave the regret to someone else.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Well, very enlightening thread.

 

My wife had real regrets 'after' each of our swinging adventures and I never had any at all.

 

But then, I made 205 parachute jumps in the military!

 

It's more about whether you're the type who has regrets about what you've done (my wife) or having regrets about what you could have done and didn't (me).

 

Very thought provoking.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This is such an excellent point. When you are laying on your death bed, are you really going to say "I wish I hadn't..." or will you be thinking "I wish I had...". There are lots of things I've tried in life that looking back didn't quite work out the way I'd hoped or expected them to, but at least now I know. If I choose to try them again I will approach them differently. But, I don't regret anything I've done in life... there are still many many things I hope to do, though

[cplnuswing 4,713]

In reading this thread, I got to thinking that regret for me has changed over the years. The older I get, the more my regret tends to be of the things I didn't do variety versus when I was younger, it was more over the things I had done. Is this typical I wonder, and maybe it is one of the factors that leads to the age distribution you see in swinging? Basically, along with probably having a more mature relationship along with the life experience to make swinging work, some people are also more interested in eliminating some of those things undone regrets?