How do we find out if my wife's friends play?

[Swingoneway 74]

So my wife and I are considering the lifestyle, and we've been discussing what she's comfortable with. She's stated that she'd be uncomfortable with playing with anyone she just met...she wants to get to know people, perhaps over the space of months (!) before she plays. Obviously, there's potential for patience issues there.

 

She did mention she has friends she is interested in (male and female), but we don't know if they are vanilla, bi, etc. How would we find out without "outing" ourselves, so to speak?

[LagniappeDC 313]

We have an attitude that being in the lifestyle is more like a marathon than a race. We indeed took our time, talked a lot, etc, before actually picking that first couple to play with. We've since had a wonderful time with a variety of fun couples (and some hiccups!). For us, that slow intro period, plus a few periods of slow-downs, is what it took to make sure we were on solid footing. That worked for us. Others here jumped into the deep end of the pool. Key is to make sure you are both on the same page as to how fast you go or you'll quickly find yourselves in situations that you are not comfortable with.

 

If you wife needs time, then definitely give it to her. You just need to find out her comfort zone in terms of meeting people - at clubs, meet and greets, one-on-one dinner/drink dates, etc. Go the first couple of times with the agreement not to play so there is no pressure. Talk each time. If you are like most of us, you'll be quickly at ease with the fun people you meet, and may move to playing sooner than you think.

 

As for friends, given that you are so new, I'd put up a big warning flag. Read the boards here. Lots of stories - pro's and con's - about playing with friends. The caution is that you have to almost go in with a worst case scenario that once you have broached that subject there really is no taking it back and it could cost you a friendship.

 

Good luck!

[Swingoneway 74]

 

As for friends, given that you are so new, I'd put up a big warning flag. Read the boards here. Lots of stories - pro's and con's - about playing with friends. The caution is that you have to almost go in with a worst case scenario that once you have broached that subject there really is no taking it back and it could cost you a friendship.

 

Agreed. I've read the forums here plenty, and I see the risks. I'm open to meeting people, she is shy to the point of almost being anti-social. Makes it hard to even suggest meeting people...you should see her face when I mention it. So, she wants to stick to friends, but as I told her, we could alienate what friends she has (there aren't many, she's selective)

[JandC78 16]

We really connected with a couple that we talked to online for a few weeks before we met and had a really good time with them. maybe you should try the same. chat online a few times and see if she is comfortable with the people.

 

Online sites lately for us do not seem to be generating too much in the way of quality leads. where abouts in Indiana are you from, we are in west central indiana

[exploringRM 305]

You need to do what you are comfortable with of course, but our experience with trying to be friends first is that it takes a long time with no real clear end benefit. There is never any clear end benefit, but the friends first delays that discovery. It takes time just to find a couple that you feel you are compatible with (from online profiles and initial contact with them). Then there's the time to decide if you are compatible. There is also the difficulty of scheduling time to meet people over numerous occasions.

 

I'm not trying to talk you out of what you want to do, but just realize that the frustration level may go up as you journey through this.

[Alura 2,774]

We liked to be friends with the folks we fucked. However, we weren't afraid to play with a new couple just to test the sexual part of the friendship early on.

 

Alura

[Chicup 41]

So my wife and I are considering the lifestyle, and we've been discussing what she's comfortable with. She's stated that she'd be uncomfortable with playing with anyone she just met...she wants to get to know people, perhaps over the space of months (!) before she plays. Obviously, there's potential for patience issues there.

 

She did mention she has friends she is interested in (male and female), but we don't know if they are vanilla, bi, etc. How would we find out without "outing" ourselves, so to speak?

 

 

She doesn't want to seem easy, dirty, slutty, insert your adjective here, and by making this more of a 'romance' of sorts, she hopes to avoid this.

 

Its also the wrong way to go about finding someone. Sure maybe you will find that proper couple, who wants to do that same, and is not willing for that sexual tension to get in the way, but you might get hit by a train as well.

 

You will be meeting a people, with the intent of having sex with them, eventually.

 

This is hard enough in vanilla dating and you have the whole 'relationship' part of it as well.

 

Again I'm not saying it can't happen that way, only you are most likely really setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Swingoneway 74]

Well, we almost got our guy friend over last night. I talked to him, invited him over, made it clear what my wife's intentions were (she asked me to invite him over for play, caught me off guard )and he said he'd call me back when he figured out what he was doing (he had just got out of work when I called).

 

A couple hours later and no call, I texted him asking if he was stopping by. He declined! I've never seen this guy turn down any attention from my wife in the past, but he claimed to have "a lot flying at me right now" and needed to get things sorted out. Granted, the guy doesn't have an easy life...two kids, divorced (ex-wife has custody), low paying job...but still, he turned down sex. Blew me away.

[Chicup 41]

If someone had asked me to do something like this prior to being a swinger, I'd have most likely turned them down too.

 

Its not a request you expect, and you start thinking about hidden motivations.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

OP perhaps your friend is smarter than you give him credit for. What you are "suddenly" ask him for ,out of the blue with a women surely he understands made a "spur of the moment" descision could very well jeopardize not only her marriage but the friendship you share with him. Neither of you has any idea how she or YOU will feel about this encounter the next day nevermind God forbid in the middle of action. Friendships are not ever worth the price you might pay down the road. Watching your partner have sex with someone else might sound good in theory but could also turn either of you into simpering children.....ya just never know. I give the guy credit for wisely avoiding this. If your wife is genuinely interested in moving forward with this experience I suggest you both pick someone neutral who has experience in the lifestyle and has zero expectations the day after. If your wife is so shy and insecure she finds in difficult if not impossible to do so why on earth would you ever jeopardize what friendships she has?

I suggest you either work forward finding a "suitable" playmate outside of her small circle of friends or leave this fantasy on the back burner and let it add sizzle to your own sex life.

 

Mrs Sav

[MrsPandMe 150]

Well, we almost got our guy friend over last night. I talked to him, invited him over, made it clear what my wife's intentions were (she asked me to invite him over for play, caught me off guard )and he said he'd call me back when he figured out what he was doing (he had just got out of work when I called).

 

A couple hours later and no call, I texted him asking if he was stopping by. He declined! I've never seen this guy turn down any attention from my wife in the past, but he claimed to have "a lot flying at me right now" and needed to get things sorted out. Granted, the guy doesn't have an easy life...two kids, divorced (ex-wife has custody), low paying job...but still, he turned down sex. Blew me away.

 

When The Mrs and I started out, we were all over the "friends then benefits" policy. What we've found as we've been going along is that this policy seemed to seriously narrow the field of people we were actually hopping in the sack with. We have rather evolved from the traditional "friends with benefits" thing to being open to non-sexual activities with our swing partners. Since "friendship", in the traditional sense, is an emotional condition, some swingers feel that putting themselves in that position exposes them to becoming "attached" to their sexual partners.

 

We have made some excellent friends in the course of swinging, and a couple of these couples we no longer are sexual with but still do non-sexual things with them as friends.

 

I guess the point I'm making is, you might find it MUCH easier to actually do this with someone you have no intimate knowledge of. By engaging your existing friends into this, you run the risk of losing your friends, or worse, exposing your lifestyle choices to people you'd rather not, like family, for instance.

 

Mr. P

[Swingoneway 74]

Before anyone else jumps in here and mentions that I just suddenly pushed this idea on him, we've had sex with him before. He's not a complete newbie here. That's why it caught me as odd...we've been there, done that, and now he's declining. I'm not looking for a reason, he already gave me one. His life is a bitch, I respect his decision.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

Maybe that's your answer......he's been there done that lol!

I suppose if you want people to not jump to conculsions you might have made that clear especially since your orginal post states..............you're considering swinging and contained not a word about the experiences you've had thus far...............doesn't seem to me you're considering anything , You've been there done that already.

If what you really want is is an exact reason he declined the only person who can answer that is him. But if and I mean IF he answers honestly are you sure you can handle the truth. He declined ! Accept it and move on ; seems rather petty and demanding of you to question his motive when at the drop of a hat you expected him to run right over and do your wife. The man is a human being, not a sex toy

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Hi,

Your initial post is kind of confusing. It sounded like you two were completely new to swinging, but then you say you have had threesomes with a friend already. It sounds like you already know how to approach a friend if that is the route you want to continue on.

 

We really like to be friends with our playmates, but we don't try to be friends before we play. We chat online a bit and then meet. If there's chemistry and they're fun we play. We don't want to waste time dating another couple before having sex. We're happy to meet once without playing. We just don't want to drag it out over multiple vanilla meets. This has worked great for us. We have made new friends and had some very hot times. We use swinglifestyle and swingerzonecentral to meet people online. I'm kind of quiet but I like to meet new people. Chatting online is really easy for me, much easier than talking in person. Then when I meet someone I already know them a bit and it makes conversation flow. Maybe your wife will be the same.

 

Good luck!

[mde 4764 15]

Trying to be friends first will take you a long time to get anywhere. We have become good friends with several couples, but that was after we enjoyed them in bed.

[Rivertour 51]

Communication is the key, and this site can open discussion between the two of you. Talk, talk, talk, then once you start playing, talk even more. The best relationships are based on Trust, but for sure communication is the key to building that trust.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If anyone is going to talk to your wife's friends about the possibility it should be your wife talking to her friend(s). That said, she (and you) needs to ask herself if she's willing to lose these friends over this. Bringing it up alone can be enough to freak them out and send them running. But, even if they are interested and you all go for it, it can be awkward afterwards, especially if you are all new at this, and can result in friend loss.