What if bringing up swinging ruins our marriage?

[domjoly 15]

Hello everyone, brand new member here from the Hartford, CT area. I have been reading all the boards and have taken in all the sage advice and I must admit I have learned a lot. So thank you all, in advance.

 

My dilemma is this: My wife is kind of a light free spirit, meaning she likes to have sex in public, trying out new things such as new sexual positions and situations, etc. She's also into role play. So she's not conservative at all. ( enjoy all of those things as well.)

 

We have joked about threesomes in the past, but not with anyone we know.

 

My motivation is not a threesome, however. I just wanna start with some soft swap - maybe have someone watch us at first.

 

I know that the only way to bring up swinging is to talk about it. But my fear is that it may turn my wife off completely or put doubts in her mind about my motivations. Will bringing this up damage my marriage?

 

I think it's needless to say we're very much in love, and are quite stable mentally.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Welcome to the board!

I know that the only way to bring up swinging is to talk about it. But my fear is that it may turn my wife off completely or put doubts in her mind about my motivations. Will bringing this up damage my marriage

There's really no way for us to know what effect this will have on your marriage. Do you two communicate well? Are you comfortable discussing any other subject with her without fear of the outcome?

[slevin 1,374]

For me it all came down to whether I felt that I could talk with my wife about anything. I felt I could bring anything up. In addition to that I felt that if I couldn't bring anything up and have a discussion about it then our relationship wasn't as solid as I thought it was. I want that solid foundation (and felt/feel we have it), so if bringing swinging up soured things I would at least find that out now. I could then work to improve it

 

That was my thought process and mental gymnastics to gather the guts to broach the subject

[celtic239 297]

I would suggest that you find some threesome porn and watch it together. If it turns her on then why not ask her? If she says she's not too sure but is intrigued then talk it over with her. I have found very good advice on this forum concerning this. Just use word search and maybe you will find exactly what you are looking for.

[VegasLee 1,486]

domjoly said:

Will bringing this up damage my marriage?

 

Honestly, you are the ONLY ONE that can answer this question. None of us know you or your wife. None of us know anything about your relationship with your wife.

 

Can it do damage? Yes. Will it? Only you know that answer.

[Alura 2,774]

Since your wife seems a bit of an exhibitionist, I'd approach the subject from that level.

 

"Y'know, Babe... the other day when we had sex in front of the court house...? and how much fun it was? I was just wonderin' if it might be fun to have someone, like another couple maybe, watch us? Whadaya think?"

 

Use this advice at your own peril, but that's how I would have approached it with Mrs. Alura.

[couplers 4,656]

All good advice. Two things to add - Keep an open mind and approach it from the angle of what she would like, what would make her happy. You may be thinking exhibitionism, and she wants soft swap; you may think MFM would be great and she's turned on by couples play. Second, in addition to porn if she likes that, talk about her previous lovers/sex partners, and have her relive those who were most enjoyable for her. That lets her know it's about her, not you, and it also shows that you have no problem dealing with her enjoying sex with someone else.

 

Take small steps: from fantasy, to past reality, to current reality. Hope you get there!

[JM153 346]

While I cannot answer your original question, I can suggest that if you decide to bring swinging up make it about her pleasure. Which it is anyway. If a partner brings up swinging and gives the reason to be their own pleasure it can make one feel inadequate or rejected. In other words she probably will not respond positively if she thinks your just a horn dog and she is your key to the door. It needs to be about her and your caring about her.

 

Good luck.

[domjoly 15]

All good points. And yes, I wanna stress that it's been all about her pleasure for me anyway. I actually have been pretty shy about sex in public but after she kind of insinuated we keep the curtains open and then urged me to do it on the balcony, not only did it open my mind to new possibilities but it also signaled to me that she could be open to even more different things. I am pretty giving with sex as well so I don't know if she will question my motivation per se.

 

The question in my mind is whether she'll look at me as less of an individual that I would be willing to share her with someone and whether the moral dilemma would become too much to handle.

 

In any case, I will keep you guys posted. I really do appreciate all your help!

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

The question in my mind is whether she'll look at me as less of an individual that I would be willing to share her with someone and whether the moral dilemma would become too much to handle.

 

I think there are few, if any, wives in the lifestyle who view their husbands in any sense as less of an individual because their husbands are willing and happy to have other men have sex with them. Rather the opposite.

 

In any case, I will keep you guys posted. I really do appreciate all your help!

 

Please do! Thanks

[Alura 2,774]

domjoly said:

The question in my mind is whether she'll look at me as less of an individual that I would be willing to share her with someone and whether the moral dilemma would become too much to handle.

 

I wouldn't suggest talking about sharing her (unless she brings it up) in the beginning. That's a long way down the road. Y'all need to talk about less threatening things in the beginning.

 

Ask her questions that will bring about discussions, those that can't be answered with "yes" or "no." Example: "How do you feel about our having sex while another couple watches."

[domjoly 15]

thanks guys, i found this thread which helped me a LOT!

 

The risks of even bringing up swinging with your partner?

 

I think the person who posted that went through a lot of the same trials as I am going through. I also identify with the guy because he also wanted to do this for the right reasons.

 

I think the people in this thread have given me a lot of the same advice.

 

Today I have started to talk to her more and more about the kinky things we do and plan to do, rather than just suggesting them while making love.

 

I will keep everyone posted on my progress, with the hope she can get to read these things one day

[domjoly 15]

Here's an update for everyone (if anyone is still listening!) ... So it turns out bringing up swinging didn't really ruin my marriage after all, as I had initially and stupidly feared. What rang true is what I have read in a lot of other posts on this board, and that is: if your marriage is strong enough, nothing can shake the foundation, least of all things that involve situations which both partners can derive pleasure from.

 

So the short version is: I did bring it up! And she did say yes to soft swinging!!! (which is what I want anyway)

 

Thanks to everybody who helped me and thanks to all the threads on this board.

 

The long version: So here's how this happened. So we'd been experimenting with having sex in risky places (such as our balcony) and in front of the mirror at my behest over the past few months and the Mrs. enjoyed all those situations a lot. She actually brought up the balcony sex! Needless to say I was extremely encouraged. So while doing it in front of the mirror a few nights ago, I struck up a conversation about how it not only turns us on to see ourselves doing it, it actually feels like another couple is watching us. And she agreed and appeared to enjoy the scenario. So I asked us if she'd be turned on if another couple WAS indeed present, and she said it'd be like watching our own live porn. So I laughed and said it'll actually be hotter because we could actually reach out and touch them. To that she did say that she wouldn't actually wanna touch anyone but I AM OK WITH THAT! Going ahead from there, we talked about how we can't really have anyone we know what us, etc. and how it needs to be a couple as opposed to single guys (though single women would be less creepy lol).

 

NEXT STEPS:

 

I DON'T KNOW!!!

 

So I know she is interested. Now I need to see if she's be interested in actually meeting some people online first and seeing if that actually turns her on. It's just an idea right now and ideas are hot, until sometimes you find when you actually execute them that they aren't!

 

But I'll keep everyone posted.

[lovinher 505]

Now you bring her here.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Yeah that's my new dilemma. So now I know she was interested in it while we were fooling around.

 

How to exactly execute on the idea is easier fantasized than done.

 

I am wondering about what tangible steps I can take towards making it happen, all the while taking the right amount of care towards ensuring our relationship stays strong.

 

I am now struggling with the specifics on how to (step communication forward).

 

Easy. Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door... Another one; "Brick by brick my citizens" (Hadrian, on the building of Rome).

 

Seriously, that sounds corny but it truly applies. You can't just sit down and figure everything out in one long NFL player's union vs. owners debate You start by talking about it in little bits.

 

So how? You pick up a thread, and run with it. Don't attempt a conclusion, just attempt a discussion.

 

"Hey hun, I was reading a story about a couple on the swingersboard where they . I'm not suggesting we do that, not proposing anything, just curious what your thoughts are about that scenario?"

 

You can do that while chopping up veggies for a salad before dinner, or over coffee on a Saturday morning. The point here is just get discussion going outside of the bedroom. Put it outside of the realm of fantasy, and sexploration, and instead into the realm of day to day chit-chat.

[interested-05 135]

Take it one step at a time, finding a couple through the swap sites can be fun but can also be difficult.

 

For our first experience we decided to go to an off-premises club where there would be nobody having sex there, but simply getting to know swingers as people and realizing they really are normal everyday people. If you do hit it off you can rent a room for whatever level of play you are ready for, making it a win win situation for starters.

 

You go, you have fun, laugh, dance, and if you want, you get laid with a new set of friends.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

getting to know swingers as people and realizing they really are normal everyday people

 

 

Are you serious? You can't be serious. Please don't lump us true swingers with the general population. Us true swingers are all in perfect physical shape, with the men having very defined abs, strong, muscular physiques, and the women having perfect DD or bigger breasts, voluptuous hips, nary an inch of fat, beautiful long hair, and always wear makeup done by professional salons. None of us have kids, have to get sitters, or have to plan in the future for swing dates. We get it whenever we want, are totally spontaneous, over sexed, with insatiable sex appetites and can go at it for hours on end.

 

I don't know what 'normal everyday people' you are describing, but they are NOT swingers!!!!!!

 

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If bringing up swinging destroys your marriage, you didn't have much of a marriage base to begin with. A good marriage requires good communication, being able to talk about anything openly.

[PittCouple412 15]

Well said Julie!

 

Male half here: Decided just to "go for it" when our sexual activity had hit a brick wall. Wife was (and still is, in many ways) extremely conservative - but little did I know she would enjoy this as much as I hoped she would. We originally thought that, at best, we'd either just watch another couple or maybe soft swap - and we wound up deciding we were open to it all!

 

As long as you're both secure in your relationship, communicate, and make this 100% about HER pleasure (chances are she'll return the favor to you) - this can be a GREAT enhancement to your relationship.

 

However, if you just see this as a chance to fuck other people (and there ARE lifestyle people who are in this to do that), it can be very damaging to a marriage/long term relationship...so make sure you know WHY you're doing this before trying it out! If you see it as an extension of you and your partner's love life, then it can be a lot of fun!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

bbarnsworth said:

 

Are you serious? You can't be serious. Please don't lump us true swingers with the general population. Us true swingers are all in perfect physical shape, with the men having very defined abs, strong, muscular physiques, and the women having perfect DD or bigger breasts, voluptuous hips, nary an inch of fat, beautiful long hair, and always wear makeup done by professional salons. None of us have kids, have to get sitters, or have to plan in the future for swing dates. We get it whenever we want, are totally spontaneous, over sexed, with insatiable sex appetites and can go at it for hours on end.

 

I don't know what 'normal everyday people' you are describing, but they are NOT swingers!!!!!!

 

 

That was a ludicrous statement bbarnsworth. Complete rubbish. REAL female swingers don't need any makeup at all!! They have perfectly natural beauty that a professional make artist would only ruin by covering it up.