Am I weird or what? (Being picky about playmates)

[shrevecouple 252]

So I am trying to find a way to describe me. Apparently I am very picky when it comes to potential playmates. My husband gets a little frustrated because he may see a guy that he thinks that maybe I should be interested in. And then I'm not. He'll say "what are you looking for?" "how do i even pass these standards of yours?" LOL....And honestly I have no set criteria in my head. Do I have turnoffs. YES...Are they the same for everybody. NO..(except for smoking...it's a turnoff to me regardless) All I can say is that something has to click. And it just don't happen. I have chosen 1 guy to join us in a MFM threesome in a year. Is he what I'd call idea. No....He's too skinny and he smokes. But something clicked and I felt comfortable.

 

Here's something else. I have learned that yes, there are many different levels of swingers. There are people out there who in my opinion aren't picky enough. LOL ..Is there such a thing as being "too loose" within the swinger lifestyle? Honestly I wonder if some of these people walk into a party with blinders on.

 

My husband thinks that I am so picky because I am just not into it. That if I was "into it" that I would be open to more people. I just think this......we go to a party to have fun, whether or not we find somebody to "hook up" with is irreverent. I am having sex regardless. LOL...I have my husband that I am more than happy to leave with. If we find somebody...fine...If we don't fine. I am just thankful to get out and be an "adult". We are parents of 2 great boys and we spend most of our time with them without many opportunities to go out without them. So I don't wanna put any kind of pressure on myself to "have" to find anybody? I am just enjoying the environment.

[slevin 1,374]

I don't think there is such a thing as being too picky, as long as you are being picky for the right reasons. If it is, as your husband wonders, a defense mechanism to avoid playing, then that is bad. If you just want to find people you're attracted to then that is the way it is.

 

I think some people get caught up in the selection process though. They apply their 'dating' or 'long term relationship' criteria to trying to find a playmate. Rather than just approaching it at a physical and short term compatibility standpoint. You're not going to marry these guys It's really about whether they are attractive, compatible from an intial personality perspective and don't do something boneheaded!

[Alura 2,774]

Hi, ShreveCouple! Glad to have you with us!

 

My favorite people have always been weird. They're so much more interesting that those normal folks, don't you think?

 

I remember what a damper "two great boys" can be on a couple's swinging career and how difficult it was for two great couples, who had the same blessing, to make time for each other. Sometimes it was months between play dates.

 

We didn't quit looking for Mr. & Mrs. Perfect but we did learn to keep them in mind while getting to know Mr. & Mrs. Notsoperfect. We also found that there was no harm done if we sort of tested a couple early on by fucking them enthusiastically. It's amazing how quickly we were able to get to know them. Sometimes it was a one-night-stand and sometimes we kept playing with a couple for years. In both cases, it was sex with someone different... how bad can that be?

 

You need to go at your own pace. Just keep communicating with your husband. My guess is that you'll eventually become open to more people.

 

Alura

[socolais 696]

I think this choice gets labeled as "picky" by outsiders looking in. Swinging is exactly what you want it to be (within the limitations of available resources). We each have different ways of selecting our playmates and no one way is more correct than another. It sounds like you have a very relaxed and mature outlook on this and I can respect that - even when you may decline my offer at a party. I think we've all been to parties where we didn't have sex, but still had a great time. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into making uncomfortable choices.

[shrevecouple 252]

Thanks guys! I don't know if it's because we are new and still feeling it out or what. But the one party we have been to so far I found myself like checking thing off. LOL For example: There was this one lady, don't know if she was single or married (but I am leaning towards single) that every time I looked up she was making out with someone different. I said to myself....Not me.

I still feel weird saying no to people. I don't wanna come across as superficial or stuck up. I don't have to be attracted to you to talk to you and have fun but at the same time I don't want to give the wrong impression either. So I did find myself kind of sticking close to my husband at all times. LOL

 

Another example: Very nice lady came up me and chatted me up and then asked to kiss me. (I am not bi but haven't completely written off possible soft play with a female) My first thought was....I don't know where her mouth has been and she's got some obviously fake boobs. (Even though I am not bi I am turned off by women with out of porportion fake boobs....Another one of my weird things)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

My husband thinks that I am so picky because I am just not into it. That if I was "into it" that I would be open to more people.

My initial thought was that this wasn't necessarily true. I still don't know if it is, and only you can answer that. But, some of your statements in your second post in this thread gave me pause to see your husband's sentiments as a possibility. One of the statements is below: (Bolding mine)

 

 

My first thought was....I don't know where her mouth has been and she's got some obviously fake boobs. (Even though I am not bi I am turned off by women with out of porportion fake boobs....Another one of my weird things)

I don't want to freak you out, but here's some more things you don't know: You don't know if she (or anyone else) washed their hands after they went to the bathroom. You don't know who that cute guy that (finally!) meets the criteria was doing the week before he came to the club. I could give more examples, but I think that'll do.

 

The point is, if you're not ready to swing, that's fine. If you're ready to swing, but just really, really choosy, that's fine too. As long as you and your husband understand that you will probably rarely play, if ever. You appear to accept this, and be good with it. Hopefully your husband has accepted this as well. It'll make your club visits much more enjoyable.

 

Good luck!

[shrevecouple 252]

He has accepted it but he still in the back of his mind says "what's the point if it never happens". And I understand that too. LOL He has given me ample opportunity to just say no to it all. I don't think the broad spectrum "free love" way of thinking will ever be acceptable to me but I don't think there's anything wrong with just dabbling. For now anyways.

[Chicup 41]

What I have seen in the past is people who only want to play with those out of their own league.

 

This becomes rather difficult as the few they do want to play with tend to have no desire to play with them.

 

Without knowing anything about you I can't really say if this is what you are doing, but do you think its a possibility?

[shrevecouple 252]

What I have seen in the past is people who only want to play with those out of their own league.

 

This becomes rather difficult as the few they do want to play with tend to have no desire to play with them.

 

Without knowing anything about you I can't really say if this is what you are doing, but do you think its a possibility?

 

That maybe I am looking for somebody "out of my league"? As in somebody better looking than me? Who knows? I think age plays a factor with us as well. It seems there are way more folks mid 40's and up that are swingers and I tend to get singled out by those.

 

Plus...how do you know what "your league" is? LOL

[Chicup 41]

That maybe I am looking for somebody "out of my league"? As in somebody better looking than me? Who knows? I think age plays a factor with us as well. It seems there are way more folks mid 40's and up that are swingers and I tend to get singled out by those.

 

Plus...how do you know what "your league" is? LOL

 

Its like pornography, its hard to define but you know it when you see it.

 

So based on your age comment (and I'm going to go out on a limb, your frequent use of LOL) you are on the younger side?

 

Most people seem to get into swinging in their 40's and sadly most people seem to forget their appearances about the same age. When we started looking into this we were in our late 20's and we were some of the youngest people out there. Age is going down a bit in swinging but not tremendously, with more 30's and mid 20's but still mostly 35+.

 

If older men don't do it for you perhaps you need a change of venue for where and how you look for partners.

[Brasso 15]

...

 

Plus...how do you know what "your league" is? LOL

 

Well, given a large enough sample size, it would be the set of people that have reciprocated your interest...

 

but since you start from a square one, defining that boundary is kind of tricky, no? (we are in the same situation, being relatively new to this and having been married since high school...)

 

i have, myself, found that, since embarking on this little adventure, i have been trying to 'improve my league' by hitting the gym frequently. i want to remain in the major leagues in my wife's eyes!

[shrevecouple 252]

We are both 31. And yes there is alot of older swingers in my area. But I don't wanna make it my hobby to look for these people. As I know you know, If you let it, this whole lifestyle can become very expensive and time consuming. Which takes the fun factor down several notches.

[Chicup 41]

We are both 31. And yes there is alot of older swingers in my area. But I don't wanna make it my hobby to look for these people. As I know you know, If you let it, this whole lifestyle can become very expensive and time consuming. Which takes the fun factor down several notches.

 

My wife has the same reservations, which is why I end up doing all the work and she gets veto power

 

We are a very picky couple on a good number of levels, and that means a lot more misses than hits. We do find it worth the effort though when it works out.

[shrevecouple 252]

Well, given a large enough sample size, it would be the set of people that have reciprocated your interest...

 

 

I so laughed when I read this. I guess I have been fielding interest more than expressing it. And so far what's interested in me, I am not interested in them. (With maybe 2 exceptions)

[bi4me2 93]

(him)

 

I see nothing wrong with being picky, it's your choice right?

 

The wife has a saying about this:

 

"If I wouldn't fuck you when I was single why would you think I would do it now?"

[shrevecouple 252]

(him)

 

I see nothing wrong with being picky, it's your choice right?

 

The wife has a saying about this:

 

"If I wouldn't fuck you when I was single why would you think I would do it now?"

 

Seriously! I would have to agree with that! Although I have looked back at some of my choices when I was single and thought WTF? Haha!

[bi4me2 93]

Although I have looked back at some of my choices when I was single and thought WTF? Haha!

 

(him) Well I personally look back at one or two and think that but I'm not so sure about her. The woman (rightly so) has some seriously high standards, not only for others but for herself as well.

 

We have met quite a few couples where one of us would have to had 'taken one for the team' and more than not we say 'thanks but no'.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

I was going to post a thread similar to this but kind of the opposite, we are just an average couple, fun loving , need to excercise more, etc, but we actually had not played with a couple because we felt they were way out of our league, meaning they were the ken and barbie type, very attractive, fairly good shape, a little younger, they were actually trying to get us into something but I think we were a little intimidated by their attractiveness, if this makes any sense.

[shrevecouple 252]

I could maybe see the issue if the two of you were thinking of approaching them but it sounds like they liked what they saw. So in my mind if the two of you are ok with them I think the hardest part is out of the way.

[TNT 1,155]

I don't think the broad spectrum "free love" way of thinking will ever be acceptable to me but I don't think there's anything wrong with just dabbling. For now anyways.

 

No, there's nothing wrong with dabbling. Swinging is what each and every individual involved makes of it, for themselves.

 

However, there is one underlying characteristic that should be shared by all involved in swinging (regardless of the degree of their participation), and that's an understanding that it will be different for everyone and just because it's not right for me, doesn't mean it's not right for others.

 

You never have to understand the why's and how's of what others do, but striving for a nonjudgmental attitude towards others and what "gets them off" or "does it for them", whether it's something you could ever see yourself doing or not, is something that is vital in swinging.

 

I'm not sure you have this understanding...yet, as the following statements seem (to me) as if you do judge people as being wrong and/or bad for going beyond what you think is appropriate.

 

For example: There was this one lady, don't know if she was single or married (but I am leaning towards single) that every time I looked up she was making out with someone different. I said to myself....Not me.

 

What you described above could very well have been me. What's wrong with making out with different people throughout the night? Does assuming this lady was "single" make it a bit more appropriate to you? There's nothing wrong with saying, "That's not for me",...what's wrong is sneering down you nose at someone and thinking less of them because they choose to go further than you. You never have to participate in anything you don't want to, but do realize that there are those out there that will and do go beyond what you think is okay and it's perfectly okay and right for them.

 

Another example: Very nice lady came up me and chatted me up and then asked to kiss me. (I am not bi but haven't completely written off possible soft play with a female) My first thought was....I don't know where her mouth has been and she's got some obviously fake boobs. (Even though I am not bi I am turned off by women with out of porportion fake boobs....Another one of my weird things)

 

two4youinswva pretty much covered my feelings on this statement.

 

Here's something else. I have learned that yes, there are many different levels of swingers. There are people out there who in my opinion aren't picky enough. LOL ..Is there such a thing as being "too loose" within the swinger lifestyle? Honestly I wonder if some of these people walk into a party with blinders on.

 

I'm glad you've learned that there are many different levels of swinging; however, here again...."aren't picky enough", "too loose", "blinders on"....you may have learned about the differences, but you haven't gotten to the point where you understand that there's NOTHING WRONG with those differences.

 

So, in other words...dabble if you want, be too picky or not picky enough if you want...it's about what makes you and your husband happy. Just remember don't think that because others go further than you could ever imagine yourself doing, that they are wrong or bad people for doing so...they're not, they are doing what they think/feel is right for them.

 

 

Teresa

[shrevecouple 252]

I totally agree with you TNT. I think I am just going through culture shock as we are so new!

 

We have made friends with a guy whom him and his wife have an open marriage. But in talking to him he has made it sound like their love for each other is stronger or better than ours/others because they trust enough to allow each other to play seperately. It has nothing to do with love or trust. It has everything to do with just what you said, OUR COMFORT LEVEL! lol

 

I am sure the longer we are exposed to the lifestyle the less surprised I will be by other's ways of doing things.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

 

I am sure the longer we are exposed to the lifestyle the less surprised I will be by other's ways of doing things.

 

It was the same for my wife Bunny. In many ways she is a lot like you. Picky being a prime one. It is something we have been working on. A recent thread has given us some insight. It is here in the Curious About Swinging section and is titled "Curious...Confused". I have discussed some of what was brought out there with my wife and she see's the resemblance. She is happy with me and may be confusing looking for good sex to looking for love. They are two different things with different qualifications. There are many women who I would swing with that I would never marry, but that doesnt make them bad for swinging partners. We are currently working together to try to make the adjustment in how she thinks about it. It is actually working. Last night she did find several guys out of about 50 that she would be willing to play with. It is an improvement from 0 out of 50. The most important thing is I will never push her to go with someone she is not comfortable with or totally unatracted to.

 

All in all though you have to do whats right and comfortable for you, even if it takes a long time. Hell it has taken us several years to get Bunny to the comfort level she is at now. That doesnt matter. What matters is that you are doing it together and having fun at the same time.

 

P.S. Bunny has had the same shock issues as you with what people do in the lifestyle. Surprisingly she has actually survived the experience.

[slevin 1,374]

I totally agree with you TNT. I think I am just going through culture shock as we are so new!

 

We have made friends with a guy whom him and his wife have an open marriage. But in talking to him he has made it sound like their love for each other is stronger or better than ours/others because they trust enough to allow each other to play seperately. It has nothing to do with love or trust. It has everything to do with just what you said, OUR COMFORT LEVEL! lol

 

I am sure the longer we are exposed to the lifestyle the less surprised I will be by other's ways of doing things.

 

There is a lot of that with poly and open marriage folks it seems. We've noticed that in talking to a number of open relationship folks. Not all, but it's common enough. I think it does take a very high level of trust between you to be comfortable with an open relationship. Maybe even a deeper level of trust than it takes for swinging to work. That doesn't really make anything better or not better though. If a couple loves and trusts each other it doesn't matter if they are swingers, poly, open relationship or strictly monogamous.

 

We just do what works for us and everyone else can do what works for them. As long as you're happy and comfortable that is all that matters.

[Chicup 41]

I totally agree with you TNT. I think I am just going through culture shock as we are so new!

 

We have made friends with a guy whom him and his wife have an open marriage. But in talking to him he has made it sound like their love for each other is stronger or better than ours/others because they trust enough to allow each other to play seperately. It has nothing to do with love or trust. It has everything to do with just what you said, OUR COMFORT LEVEL! lol

 

I am sure the longer we are exposed to the lifestyle the less surprised I will be by other's ways of doing things.

 

There are comfort levels and danger levels as well.

 

Every open marriage I've known ended when one fell in love with a partner. My sample size isn't large, but the dangers of an open marriage should be apparent.

[JM153 346]

When we first started our decision as to whether we played with a particular couple was based upon the same criteria we used in determining whether to date someone and that was largely based on whether we could see ourselves in a relationship. Over time we changed and now we make the determination on whether we think they will be fun in the sack. We have learned not to judge the book by it's cover. I remember a time when we were at a party in Shreveport and we got to talking to this guy that was way overweight. Neither of us would have approached him. It turns out that my mate and he had gone to high schools that were rivals and knew some of the same folks. When he suggested that the three of us go play she thought "oh well wtf." it turned out he was one of the best lovers she has ever had. He brought her to more orgasms than she had ever had and taught me a couple of tricks that I use from time to time. I also remember the woman who was knock out gorgeous (I later learned she was a beauty queen). She was the worse fuck I have ever had. I used to say there is not bad sex, but not any more after her. My advice is try to be open and non judgmental. Don't screw someone just because they ask, but also don't rule them out until you spend some time with them. That's what flirting and foreplay is about. You will find some great and some bad playmates in all ages and physical shapes.