Interested in poly but husband is only interested in a FMF situation

[IndulgeNDivulge 15]

Hi Everyone,

 

It's been a while since I have been to the board and posted, so I guess I'm still a 'newbie'.

 

Anyways, for about 4 years now my husband and I have talked about the idea of polyamory. We haven't done much per say in the aspect of living the lifestyle, but have definitely felt that it is something that we want to pursue!

 

I did have a post about 2 years ago about kissing a girl and thought that she would be open to the idea because she had become such a good friend and was practically part of the family, but that didn't work out the way we hoped. Although we have remained good friends

 

Well, since we started talking about it 4 years ago, my husband has been into the idea of us both being with a woman - which guy hasn't??? When I brought up the idea of a guy, I got a flat out "no".

 

Lately, we have been talking about it and he said that if I wanted to be with a guy, I could, but he did not want any part of it, didn't want to see the guy, know anything about it, and that basically, I would have to have that be a 'separate' life.

 

Communication is the most important thing and I told him that I wasn't trying to push him to say it's O.K for me to be with someone else, I did, however, want to understand where he is coming from.

 

I like the idea of being with another woman, not only sexually, but to emotionally connect with and possibly even become a family. I also like the idea if it were a man. I understand that sexually he would be more compatible/comfortable with a woman because we would all three of us would be physically involved. And with another man, it wouldn't be that way, but to me, that's not the most important thing.

 

I'm sorry, even in my writing, I'm confused

 

I get where he is coming from in the physical sense, but I think where I'm getting confused is the part where he says that it has to be a complete separate life. He said to me that he wouldn't want me to say "I think you two would be good friends". Why? I don't understand why he couldn't have a civil relationship with another guy.

 

He wanted to talk some more and asked me if that was something I wanted, to be with another man. I was a virgin when I met him and I told him that I have thought about it because he has been the only one I have been with, but I would not feel comfortable going out with someone if I felt that he just said it was fine because of that! He has told me that he wouldn't feel like he could be with another woman if I wasn't involved. Like I said before, we think that we would be more comfortable having emotional connections, which makes me think that he is just giving me the go-ahead because I have only been with him sexually.

 

I hope I have given enough information for you to give me your opinions and thoughts on this, because that's what I am asking for! Over the past couple of days, I have been reading the boards over and over and I definitely appreciate the advice you have given others...

 

Indulge

[couplers 4,577]

Hello, this is Petra. Welcome and congratulations on taking your first steps into what we all here find to be a wonderfully new part of life. You have identified a number of issues for you and your husband, and they seem to be tangled together. Try to separate them, consider them individually, resolve them one at a time. Not everything has to be done, or even taken on, at once.

 

 

First, as you both seem to recognize, this does not have to be a symmetric situation where both of you do the same thing at the same time. Perhaps you both can start with a another woman in your life and it may (or may not) become a polyamorous situation. As your husband becomes more comfortable with the entire idea, you may develop a relationship with another man on you own. Your husband seems to be open to the idea of you having sexual freedom, he just doesn't want to be involved, at least at this point. Communication and honesty do not necessarily mean that every (or even any) detail is wanted. Some people want to hear about and/or watch their spouses sexual advntures and take great pleasure in it. Others for various reasons, do not.

 

 

You also call what you are looking for "polyamory" instead of "swinging." That is the type of relationship we are in, and it has taken some twists and turns to get there. I prefer it because it is for me the right mix of sexual variety and personal relationship, but it takes longer to achieve than you two going to a swinging club on Saturday night, finding someone that is physically attractive, and having sex with them. Two ways poly relationships can develop: there are friends you have feelings for that become sex partners as well, or you look for someone, like dating. For hubby and me it was a combination of both - I had a bf since before we were married, while hubby "dated" women (that I recruited) that became his sex partners for varying lengths of time until we found the right one. She is now both his gf and mine (something I hadn't done before). So we are now a closed circle of four.

 

 

Good luck working through this, poly is definitely worth it both for the sex and the relationships. Being unselfish with our spouse and opening up to other relationships satisfies two basic human desires: to be in a stable relationship with a home to go to, and to find sexual variety and excitement. Go slowly and patiently with your husband. Lead him by example, letting him have the freedom to enjoy other sexual relationships and he will come around. He seems to already have made a start recognizing that because he loves you, you deserve the same sexual freedom and pleasure that you are planning for him. It may just take a while and be something he prefers to keep a mystery, in a box. That is what happened with hubby and me; for several years after we married I kept my bf while hubby was monogamous, then I opened up on my own to the fact that sharing a spouse is a genuine pleasure in itself.

[Guest rdy46227]

Polyamory means "multiple loves", and (like swinging as it's known on this board) requires that everyone know what's going on. The amount details shared may vary.

 

With quads and triads, everyone knows a lot about the others. It comes from continuing close association, if not living together.

 

With a triangle or "V", you're at the top and have separate relationships with the two people on the bottom legs. Each one knows about the other, e. g. a negotiated dating schedule, and generalities, e. g. one likes to dance and the other does not. Specifics about what happened on a date is optional material!

 

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

 

Compersion is almost the opposite of jealousy, which can still occur. But jealousy is occasional, is dealt with, and almost never interferes with any of the relationships.

 

If you've got poly working right, everyone feels compersion.

 

It sounds like your hubby isn't to the point where he will have compersion. He's try trying to deal with some form of jealousy by the famous "what I don't know won't hurt me".

 

(I'd say he wants something more along the lines of an open marriage.)

 

 

My personal opinion, as you requested. (We are poly with "V" type relationships.)

 

I'm a fan of O'Neils open marriage concept (which barely mentions other sexual partners). Partners should help each other grow and have new experiences. And some experiences just won't happen with your partner. To deny my partner happiness is selfish.

 

But I'm an even bigger fan of polyamory, but there's a trade off. The problems of maintaining a good relationship increases with the mathematical square of the number of people involved, from logistics to time available to emotional support. Open marriage simplifies this a lot, while poly complicates it.

 

Finding one person to love and live with is difficult. Finding additional partners is very difficult, so triangles predominate over quads or triads. Also, even the best of poly situations tend to break up over time. But if you can do poly in the first place, constructively letting go is easier (g.v. adversarial breakups).

[IndulgeNDivulge 15]

Thanks couplers and rdy46227.

 

I think that I am trying to look at everything all at once and it's a little overwhelming!

 

When we initially starting talking about 'this', it started out with me saying that I wouldn't mind swinging. We did talk about a woman and when I did bring up a guy, that's when it all changed and we fought a lot about it. I think we weren't very good at communicating then, especially because it was a very new and different subject for us at the time!

 

I did ask him why it would be O.K for us to be with a girl, but not for us to be with a guy and his explanation was that a woman could give me something he did not have. Another thing that came up when we were talking about it is, like I mentioned in the previous post, that he did not think he could do it without me present. He said, and still does to this day, that he wants it to be our experience.

 

I, at first, said that I would not be comfortable with him being with a woman alone because I would be too jealous, but over the years of talking and thinking about it, I have changed my view on that! The idea of polyamory came up when my husband said that he does not like the idea of just having sex with someone without an emotional connection. That's when I started doing some research to see if something like that existed which is when I found this site

 

Since, that is what he has expressed to me, I have thought about it and after my other situation with my friend I mentioned, I could definitely have seen myself in that type of relationship.

 

In terms of the compersion part of it. I said to him last night that I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with a guy because I would think that my husband would be sitting at home upset and/or jealous and he said that he would not be jealous.

 

Everything should be fine then right? Well, to me, it's a sticky situation because of what he has said in the past about a woman giving me something he could not. That meant that he was not O.K with me being with a guy because I can get that from him.

 

He also said something last night that upset me a little. He said that I have a tendency to push him when I want something until he just gives in. Ouch! He said that he didn't want to do this and be angry that he did it. And that is why I keep questioning his change of mind. I know it's different than what he has said is O.K, but is he just saying that to appease me? Especially because I told him that I have thought about being with another man since he has been my only.

 

The last thing we spoke about last night was me opening up to him that I have fantasized about being with him and another man, and I guess that when he heard it come out of my mouth, he said that was never going to happen. I am fine with that, I respect that and would never ask him to do it now that he gave me an answer, but I did want to know why and when I asked him he said there was no way he could explain it to me. I guess that's when I did my "pushing", but I did ask him again to explain why to me and he got upset and it's been a little tense since then.

 

With him saying no and not explaining why, it makes me think that it could be an ego/macho/jealous thing, which in turn makes me think that if I was with another guy, it would harm our relationship!

 

I'm sorry for the novel, but I want to give as much information as possible and it is also therapeutic to see my thoughts written down.

 

Thanks again for the replies and time you've taken to read it!

[swing.kidz 367]

Your husband sounds like a controlling maniac. He wants what he wants (two hot chicks doing him without the guilt of an affair) and isn't willing to be totally open minded to your desires. The fact that he simply tolerates your desire to have sex/a relationship with another man, but requires he be absent from all interaction that you are involved with shows his true motives. This isn't polyamory, what he wants is polygyny.

 

Tell him, being with a guy can give HIM something YOU can't (as if that's really the issue), same as he said about you with a woman. He's being a hypocrite and a manipulator...you're making excuses for him. Simple as that.

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

I think that I am trying to look at everything all at once and it's a little overwhelming!

 

Yes, it certainly can be. Coupler's advice about trying to separate issues and work on them individually can help in cases like that. You're not going to be able to figure out the whole matrix of this new life in one fell swoop. Bit by bit, step by step.

 

When we initially starting talking about 'this', it started out with me saying that I wouldn't mind swinging. We did talk about a woman and when I did bring up a guy, that's when it all changed and we fought a lot about it. I think we weren't very good at communicating then, especially because it was a very new and different subject for us at the time!

 

This isn't uncommon. Couples first mentally experimenting with the idea of having other sex partners than their spouses can and do run into some troubles. It can take time to work out.

 

I did ask him why it would be O.K for us to be with a girl, but not for us to be with a guy and his explanation was that a woman could give me something he did not have.

 

That's understandable. But, there's another reality here too. My wife has sex with other men from time to time. She's not lacking in love, intimacy, sex, or any other relationship aspect with me. She enjoys having sex with other men because, in part, it offers a very sexually charged dynamic of 'new' that doesn't exist between us. Another guy can give that to my wife. I can't anymore, because I've been with her >10 years. I'm not and never will be 'new' again. That doesn't make the sex worse or anything like that of course. Just different. The newness of new sex partners can be very uplifting. Very. Also, other male partners can do things for you that your husband doesn't (and he can learn what they do). They can also offer variety in the form of significantly different physiques from your husband. Another; if ever you do get to enjoy an MFM, there are things you can experience in an MFM that are impossible with traditional 1:1 sex. Etc...etc..etc.. I'm scratching at the tip of the iceberg here.

 

Another thing that came up when we were talking about it is, like I mentioned in the previous post, that he did not think he could do it without me present. He said, and still does to this day, that he wants it to be our experience.

 

That's quite admirable. But, even playing 'solo' it can still be an 'our' experience. When a spouse comes home from a solo play time, the story telling and the love making that come with it can be very, very intense. There's all sorts of eroticism that can come from that, and in the build up to the spouse going on a solo play date. There are, for example, many husbands here who really enjoy helping their wives get ready to go have sex with other men, solo.

 

The thing here is these thoughts are not conventional thoughts, and wrapping your brain around them can be difficult. It often takes time. That's ok. There's no countdown timer here. And below you just demonstrated that...

 

 

I, at first, said that I would not be comfortable with him being with a woman alone because I would be too jealous, but over the years of talking and thinking about it, I have changed my view on that!

 

See?

 

 

The idea of polyamory came up when my husband said that he does not like the idea of just having sex with someone without an emotional connection. That's when I started doing some research to see if something like that existed which is when I found this site

 

Having sex with someone with whom you have an emotional connection doesn't automatically mean polyamory.

 

Since, that is what he has expressed to me, I have thought about it and after my other situation with my friend I mentioned, I could definitely have seen myself in that type of relationship.

 

Welcome to step 2 of 5,000

 

In terms of the compersion part of it. I said to him last night that I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with a guy because I would think that my husband would be sitting at home upset and/or jealous and he said that he would not be jealous.

 

He won't know HOW he will feel until he's in that situation. He can say one thing, and logically think it's true, and then be an emotional wreck while you're out on a date with another guy.

 

He also said something last night that upset me a little. He said that I have a tendency to push him when I want something until he just gives in. Ouch!

 

Warning sign, of course. Move slowly, make sure you're both on the same page, and very clear with each other and in total agreement before moving forward. Like I said above, there's no countdown timer here.

 

He said that he didn't want to do this and be angry that he did it. And that is why I keep questioning his change of mind. I know it's different than what he has said is O.K, but is he just saying that to appease me? Especially because I told him that I have thought about being with another man since he has been my only.

 

He might be ok with you being with another man, just because you haven't been with another man. So another man can give you an experience he can't give you; the experience of what it is like with another man. Problem here is how he will react to continued sexual encounters between you and this other man? If you've already experienced another man, why the need for more? I see problems here.

 

I like my wife having sex with other man. Scratch that. I LOVE it. I love the pleasure she gets from it, the kick we both get from it, the work up to it, the afterglow from it, the whole shebang. It's awesome. Your husband doesn't have to derive the same level of pleasure from you having sex with other men as I do with my wife, but he seems to be quite the opposite in his acceptance of it.

 

The last thing we spoke about last night was me opening up to him that I have fantasized about being with him and another man, and I guess that when he heard it come out of my mouth, he said that was never going to happen. I am fine with that, I respect that and would never ask him to do it now that he gave me an answer, but I did want to know why and when I asked him he said there was no way he could explain it to me. I guess that's when I did my "pushing", but I did ask him again to explain why to me and he got upset and it's been a little tense since then.

 

He may very well not be able to explain it. Sometimes, it's an emotional reaction that can't be put into words. If you'd asked me at age 20 if I would like to see my long term girlfriend of the time have sex with other men, my main, principle reaction would have been strongly, negatively emotional. Being able to express all of that that in words would have been virtually impossible, and I'm some what of a wordsmith! Your husband may be having a similar reaction. That's not wrong or right. It just is. Be careful not to treat it as wrong (and I think you are respecting it).

 

That said, don't be surprised if sometime down the road your husband decides he's ready to do an MFM with you. It can take time to wrap one's head around it. I never knew or even had an inkling of how incredible an MFM can be, even with considering it openly with my wife, before we actually did have an MFM. Point A to point B is many miles.

 

With him saying no and not explaining why, it makes me think that it could be an ego/macho/jealous thing, which in turn makes me think that if I was with another guy, it would harm our relationship!

 

Women don't understand men any better than men understand women Don't presume it's an ego/macho/jealousy thing. It COULD be that, but might not be. It could be security issues, self confidence, who knows what. I think it's just going to take time for him to wrap his head around it. Not that he will ever want an MFM, but it's going to take time for him to process it.

 

I'm sorry for the novel, but I want to give as much information as possible and it is also therapeutic to see my thoughts written down.

 

No apologies necessary! And yes, it is quite therapeutic to write it all out. Sometimes in doing so we find our own answers right in what we wrote.

[couplers 4,577]

First, this is a great post, lots to think about.

 

 

He said that I have a tendency to push him when I want something until he just gives in.

 

 

The answer to this issue is simple - discuss what your husband wants to do just for him, then do it. Show him that you love him, make it all about him, him, him. You are the more mature one here, and this is the best first step. The discussion of you and another guy, MFM, etc., can wait until later after he understands the beauty of sharing. Discussion is great, but discussing everything and hoping to resolve everything before making the first step will lead to nothing happening.

 

 

And thank you rdy46227 for posting the definitions. I had been through them before and thought I knew them, but after thinking about it, my personal situation (before it became all poly) was more of a mix of poly & open marriage than swinging. Ultimately, labels are unimportant.

[IndulgeNDivulge 15]

swing.kidz, I don't think that my husband is a 'controlling maniac' or a 'hypocrite and a manipulator', but that's your opinion. I don't think he is the only guy who thinks that a threesome with two women would be hot.

 

Like I stated previously, he wants us to do this together and if he were what you said above, then he probably would have suggested an 'open marriage' where he could go do what he wanted, with whomever he wanted.

 

I'm sure that things will be different once we actually start actively start in the lifestyle, but we are definitely taking our time with it, communicating, and will continue to do so until we are both comfortable and ready.

 

After writing on the board and the responses I got, I read every one to my husband. bbarnsworth, I wanted to thank you because when I read your response to him, something 'clicked'. He said that he didn't know how to put into words his feelings about it and when I read that you thought it might be a security issue, he said that was it.

 

He told me that he used to have a best friend who was also his roommate and when my husband would meet a girl, and court her, he would later find out that his roommate was telling these girls lies about him just to get them into bed. This happened numerous times. Basically, the reason why he would want to not know the guy is to protect himself. He said he couldn't handle it if a guy he let into our lives said something that made him seem weak, less of a man.

 

I have had issues in the past where a good girlfriend of mine slept with my boyfriend and for years, I never had any friends because of that and now I do, and it is hard for me to see him let his past dictate his future so drastically. I'm not going to push for a MFM, I haven't been. My concern was more about his allowing me to see another man, having it be completely separate, and his true feelings about it. Like I said, I do not want to harm my relationship whatsoever and I believe he feels the same!

 

Couplers, I think that is what I am going to do. I want it too, so it can't hurt to start there!

 

Maybe we assumed wrong thinking that we would like to be polyamory, but for us, long term, we have thought about living with someone and blending families. It doesn't really matter though, like Couplers said. Labels are stifling anyways...

 

Thanks again

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

After writing on the board and the responses I got, I read every one to my husband.

 

Awesome! My wife doesn't like computers much, so I do 99% of the online stuff. I keep her in the loop, and we have great discussions.

 

Here's a tip I've suggested before, and it might be nice for the both of you; read stories here on this forum, either both of you or one of you reading and then filling the other in on the scenario in the story. Then, discuss among yourselves what you think of that scenario.

 

My wife and I have gone through zillions of scenarios this way, and it really helped define where we were, are, and are going in swinging. It gave us 'experience' that we otherwise would have taken years to achieve.

 

bbarnsworth, I wanted to thank you because when I read your response to him, something 'clicked'. He said that he didn't know how to put into words his feelings about it and when I read that you thought it might be a security issue, he said that was it.

 

You're quite welcome. I think all of us here are for the most part very willing to help. This is a fantastic forum, and the people here wonderful. If not for this forum, we would not have gotten into swinging. So, paying it forward.

 

He told me that he used to have a best friend who was also his roommate and when my husband would meet a girl, and court her, he would later find out that his roommate was telling these girls lies about him just to get them into bed. This happened numerous times. Basically, the reason why he would want to not know the guy is to protect himself. He said he couldn't handle it if a guy he let into our lives said something that made him seem weak, less of a man.

 

As you note later in your post, allowing the past to dictate your future can be a bad recipe for success. I don't think we should forget our pasts. Rather, we learn from them, adapt from them, and move forward with the knowledge gained.

 

Two things here; one, investing any sense of self worth in the opinions of those who are not close to you is placing the reigns of your soul in the hands of others. You can't possibly make everyone happy. Nobody can. SOMEbody out there can and will have very caustic words for you, if given the chance. If they do, so what? I look at it is (though not telling them as much) "Thank you for saving me the time I otherwise might have spent on you". Two, in all the swinging we've ever done, I've never heard any play partner of ours engage in any negative talk about either of us, in any respect. I seriously doubt a play partner would ever say something negative to either of you.

 

My concern was more about his allowing me to see another man, having it be completely separate, and his true feelings about it. Like I said, I do not want to harm my relationship whatsoever and I believe he feels the same!

 

Some couples start off in swinging by playing solo. Most don't. Neither is right or wrong, just different ways for different people. I don't think that either of you are ready for you to go on a solo date with another man, much less actually have sex with him. It's not that you're not approaching this properly; I think you are. It's that I think there's a whole lot more discussion that needs to happen, and a lot more time under the bridge yet.

 

 

Maybe we assumed wrong thinking that we would like to be polyamory, but for us, long term, we have thought about living with someone and blending families. It doesn't really matter though, like Couplers said. Labels are stifling anyways...

 

Labels can be quite limiting, it's true. I don't know if what you're looking for is polyamory or not. What I call it doesn't really matter. I'd like my wife to have a play partner she can keep around for years. I know she'll 'love' him after so many encounters with him. For us, the line in the sand is being 'in love' as opposed to 'loving' him. There's all sorts of love. You can love a spring breeze, a view from a mountain, an exquisite meal, a friend from childhood, how a car rides, your brother, your mother, your daughter, your cat, your play partner and your husband. Every one of those 'loves' is different. Would such a 'love' for a play partner of hers make us a poly-V? I don't know. Defining it doesn't matter to me.

[swing.kidz 367]

Indulge, my opinions are based only in the words you used to convey the situation. For example:

 

Well, since we started talking about it 4 years ago, my husband has been into the idea of us both being with a woman - which guy hasn't??? When I brought up the idea of a guy, I got a flat out "no".

 

Lately, we have been talking about it and he said that if I wanted to be with a guy, I could, but he did not want any part of it, didn't want to see the guy, know anything about it, and that basically, I would have to have that be a 'separate' life.

 

I get where he is coming from in the physical sense, but I think where I'm getting confused is the part where he says that it has to be a complete separate life. He said to me that he wouldn't want me to say "I think you two would be good friends".

 

This highlights control - he wants his way, he doesn't want you to have yours...and he doesn't even seem open to a comprehensive discussion about it.

 

The last thing we spoke about last night was me opening up to him that I have fantasized about being with him and another man, and I guess that when he heard it come out of my mouth, he said that was never going to happen. I am fine with that, I respect that and would never ask him to do it now that he gave me an answer, but I did want to know why and when I asked him he said there was no way he could explain it to me.

 

More control...no answers, no discussion.

 

With him saying no and not explaining why, it makes me think that it could be an ego/macho/jealous thing, which in turn makes me think that if I was with another guy, it would harm our relationship!

 

You even hint at his controlling nature here, like its an ego/macho/jealous thing - I think you are unconsciously in agreement with me.

 

He also said something last night that upset me a little. He said that I have a tendency to push him when I want something until he just gives in. Ouch! He said that he didn't want to do this and be angry that he did it.

 

Umm...can I say, manipulative much? You try to express your feelings and have an open discourse, he calls it "pushing him until he gives in" and then implies he can blame you for it if he doesn't like the outcome, rather than accept responsibility and to be open-minded about your desires. And taking from the quote above this one...if it did harm your relationship, he would use this to blame YOU for the harm.

 

And then in your newest post:

 

He said he couldn't handle it if a guy he let into our lives said something that made him seem weak, less of a man.

 

He needs to control the "other guys" stupid remarks? How is a fuck buddy going to make him seem weak? And to who? You? You're his wife! This is irrational and evidence of insecurity and immaturity...all of which route to a controlling nature.

 

Like I stated previously, he wants us to do this together and if he were what you said above, then he probably would have suggested an 'open marriage' where he could go do what he wanted, with whomever he wanted.

 

That's not the truth, because he said earlier that if you want another man, you must do it SEPARATELY. Which means, he wants his way...and he isn't going to make it simple for you to have yours. I don't see how you can't see what I'm saying.

 

In conclusion:

 

Don't be offended by what I say, Indulge...if you read my previous posts in other threads, you will find that I am completely in support of healthy and well rounded relationships, especially when in this lifestyle...and I abhor even the hint of manipulation of one spouse by the other.

 

There are aspects of swinging that will cause the demise of a relationship if not treated carefully and investigated wholly. One of these instances is when one party tries to control the other; when one gets more than the other and doesn't care to level the playing field; and when one limits the other but not themselves...get what I mean? Every spouse involved should feel they have something worth exploring by the remaining spouse(s). Reciprocity is the name of the game; open-mindedness and candid communication is the only way you can be successful here.

 

Oh, and obviously I agree that he is not the only man who would think a threesome with two women would be hot...I don't know how you misinterpreted me saying anything different.

 

Sorry if you don't like what I said here.

[swing.kidz 367]

I'm sure that things will be different once we actually start actively start in the lifestyle, but we are definitely taking our time with it, communicating, and will continue to do so until we are both comfortable and ready.

 

Oh, and one more thing...don't ever expect things to be different. People don't change very easily, and one way to be totally disappointed is to expect people to be different than the way they currently are. Your husband is giving you the clues today to how he will be in the future. I know that's kinda shortsighted, but honestly, its also a reality you must accept sometimes.

[IndulgeNDivulge 15]

Hi There,

 

We have been out of town for a couple of days and I haven't been able to get to a computer. Thanks again for the replies.

 

bbarnsworth, I do read a lot of what's on this board and tell him questions and/or responses on the board if there are similar situations that we have talked about, so we have definitely profited already!

 

I'm sure we are not going to rush into anything as we have waited and gathered information for 4 years already, so getting more insight and opinions/advice is a good thing in our book!

 

swing.kidz, I'm not offended by what you wrote. I can see your point...to a degree.

 

I was trying to get opinions and thoughts of people in the lifestyle which I did, and through that, my husband and I have been able to communicate more about what our thoughts and feelings are and he has been able to put his feelings into words when we have discussed specific situations.

 

I also wanted to bring up something you wrote. I'm not looking for a fuck buddy, I'm not looking to have a one night stand, or quick hook up. I'm assuming that people would feel differently if someone just had a fuck buddy versus someone having an physical and emotional relationship with another person other than their partner. I could be wrong, but that's why I'm here.

 

You also said that "This is irrational and evidence of insecurity and immaturity...all of which route to a controlling nature." Are all people in the lifestyle immune to insecurity? I would have a hard time saying that just thinking about certain situations that may arise, I would not be insecure somewhat.

 

I'm sure we are going to chat more in the future, but right now, I need to go to bed. It's been a long day!

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

I think you're making progress Still lots more discussing to do, but you're headed in the right direction I think.

 

You mentioned about not looking for a fuck buddy, or a one night stand. Yes, there is a difference; the emotional connection with someone you love has a direct impact on sex, and yes it can be very different.

 

I guess it comes down to; what are you really, truly looking for...and WHY?

[JM153 346]

 

 

He told me that he used to have a best friend who was also his roommate and when my husband would meet a girl, and court her, he would later find out that his roommate was telling these girls lies about him just to get them into bed. This happened numerous times. Basically, the reason why he would want to not know the guy is to protect himself. He said he couldn't handle it if a guy he let into our lives said something that made him seem weak, less of a man.

 

 

I wanted to jump in here and respond to this particular comment by your husband. I would guess that the roommate, the girls, and your husband were not having sex as part of swinging. In the vanilla world if a guy wants to have sex with another guy's girl one way to get her to agree is to run down the other guy. In a swinging situation it is not necessary because all know what they are there for. So as Bbarnsworth says you do not hear people running down others. I understand his fear based on prior experience, but if I am correct it does not apply to your situation.