Given the greenlight to play alone

[gloryromper 17]

Hello all. It's been a while since I posted last, but I've been around, just reading the forums and gathering some great information that has been tremendously helpful. Now, I find myself looking for some input and I know you guys are a wealth of info. I apologize for the long post.

 

My wife and I have a good sex life. It's pretty vanilla, but getting more and more adventurous all the time. We've been together for 10 years, but it's only in the last two years that I really began to express the full depth of my needs and desires to her. We then began to discover that, sexually speaking, we're a bit mis-matched. I have a very high sex drive and a deep interest in pushing my boundaries. She likes sex, but doesn't desire it nearly as often as I do and is much more reserved. Fortunately, however, she's very open-minded and we've been able to have a lot of conversations about this.

 

I started being much more up-front with her about how often I wanted to have sex and about things I would like to try. I told her about my porn collection and daily masturbation habits. And I told her of my interest in the lifestyle. None of this stuff shocked her and she's been embracing some of it. We now frequently watch porn together and have started bringing more toys into our sex. She even agreed to go to a nude lifestyle resort with me so long as I promised that there would be no pressure for her to do anything other than lay out by the pool. By all rights, she's been very accommodating and our sex life has improved significantly.

 

This past Saturday morning, we were drinking coffee and having a great conversation about the sex we had had the night before. We had tried something new, but there also had been a couple of things that I wanted to try that she was not interested in. Regarding this, she said she thinks it would be good if I could go out and do those things with other girls. She explained that she knows I love her and that sex and love are different things and that I am always honest with her. She said she knows I have a much higher sex drive than she does and that if I could go out and get some of my needs met by others, that it would take a lot of pressure off of her to be something that she's not. "There are just some things that I'm not really into," she said. "So if you can go do them with other people, then you can get what you want and I don't have to do something I don't want to do." There was no doubt in my mind that she was being completely honest and that there was no hesitation in her voice. She wasn't just saying it. When I told her that I wouldn't want to go have "affairs" and that I'd prefer to meet people in the lifestyle. She liked that even better and suggested that she might some day be interested too.

 

Given that she's so supportive of the idea, I feel like I'd be foolish not to explore my options in the LS. So let me ask you all the following questions:

 

1) Is it a red flag for couples in the LS to see a married guy playing alone if their wife is aware of the situation and is willing to verify that fact?

 

2) What is the best way to represent myself in an SLS profile? Obviously, my profile is single, but should I state the fact that I'm actually married in my profile or wait to tell people that until after contact is made?

 

3) As a married man playing alone, with no experience in the LS, am I just too bad bet for most people? Do I even stand a chance given the insane number of single men out there? Can the fact that I'm married actually be considered a good thing for some people?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated! If you happen to look my my SLS profile, I already know that I need a photo, but any other input is very welcome. Thanks so much!!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I would be happy to play with a married man if I was able to meet his wife first and verify she is on board with the situation. If this is the case with you I would state that in your profile.

 

I am more interested in playing with men who have experience in the lifestyle, but you have to start somewhere. Good luck to you.

 

Lisa Marie

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

1) Is it a red flag for couples in the LS to see a married guy playing alone if their wife is aware of the situation and is willing to verify that fact?

 

There are plenty of married guys playing alone, and a significant number of them will assert they are playing with permission. In every case that my wife and I have been contacted by such men, when we said we'd want to have in person confirmation from his wife, he vanished without a trace. We remain skeptical of such claims. That said, if we COULD in-person verify with his wife that she is happy and willing for him to play solo, then yes it would be fine.

 

2) What is the best way to represent myself in an Swing Lifestyle profile? Obviously, my profile is single, but should I state the fact that I'm actually married in my profile or wait to tell people that until after contact is made?

 

I don't know there is a best way. Personally, I prefer honesty. Something like, "This profile shows me as single, but I am married playing solo. My wife is happy with this, and you can confirm this with her in person if you like before we play".

 

 

3) As a married man playing alone, with no experience in the LS, am I just too bad bet for most people? Do I even stand a chance given the insane number of single men out there? Can the fact that I'm married actually be considered a good thing for some people?

 

You're not a bad bet just because you're single, with no experience. We all have to start somewhere. Yes, you stand a chance, but you're going to have to work at it to make your chances as high as possible.

 

My wife and I look for single men. We do quite a bit of filtering before even contacting a given single male. If the profile is short, one or two sentences in each section, then we pass him by. If the profile is fraught with many misspellings, we pass him by. Face it, a profile is your BEST foot forward. If you can't be bothered to fix spelling, you're probably not worth our time. If there are telltales of being married playing without permission, we pass them by. There's a number of other criteria we use, but those are more important to us specifically rather than abstractly.

 

My wife and I have been looking for quite some time for a perfect second man for her. A married man, playing solo with confirmed permission from his wife, would certainly be acceptable to us. Having him as a regular playmate would be great, and might be ideal for the approving wife; her husband isn't playing around with dozens of women every year, but instead spending most or all of his sex time without her with one woman. For some women that can be less threatening, for others more.

 

Something to consider; it's not very likely you're going to find single females to play with. Your activities are almost certainly going to be with other couples.

 

The thing here is that good...really good...single males are hard to come by in the lifestyle. They are as elusive as the fabled unicorn (single bi female in the lifestyle). Make yourself out to be that really good single male, and you will find yourself in good situations.

 

Another thing too is that you, as a single male, may not have that many playing opportunities. If you find a great couple to play with, and their wife really enjoys you and wants to keep playing with you, then you have also found a great situation that you shouldn't walk away from, so long as you and your wife are comfortable too.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated! If you happen to look my my Swing Lifestyle profile, I already know that I need a photo, but any other input is very welcome. Thanks so much!!

 

Ah! Ok just seeing your profile now. So far, so good. So, you've had a profile up since late September. Have you received any contacts?

[MN Tom 251]

I'll second what bbarnsworth said , so far so good from what I see, I would also suggest to add something about contacting your wife to verify is ok.

 

I know if we were looking for a single male (for MFM), we would definitely want to contact the wife if it appears the male was married. We wouldnt have a problem with someone who was married, as long as the spouse confirmed it and appeared to be comfortable with the confirmation.

[VegasLee 1,486]

She liked that even better and suggested that she might some day be interested too.

 

 

I would wait for "someday" if I was you.

 

What's the hurry, why not wait until you can share in the adventure.

 

I could go on and on about this but not into it this morning.

 

Good luck.

[Alura 2,774]

Vegas Lee has nailed it as usual.

 

In my opinion, swinging is not about sex itself. It's about the enhancement it brings to a marriage. If it's not equal for both spouses, it's not something I'd like to do.

 

Since my wife died, I find myself interested in swinging only to the extent that my experience might help others. Playing without Laura doesn't interest me.

 

Alura

[cocpl2007 170]

As you have already heard from the prior responses, be open and honest, and you may find success.

 

Playing with an individual such as yourself, has happened in the past. With the full knowledge and consent of his wife. Curiously, it did evolve into all four of us playing, eventually.

[gloryromper 17]

Thanks for the input, folks. I think for the time being that I will stay primarily focused on further improving the play time with my wife. At the same time, I'll make improvements to my SLS profile, but will lay fairly low. I know most couples prefer to find single men over being contacted by them anyway. If someone makes contact with me, I'll just take it a step at a time and make sure my wife stays in the loop. That way she will have plenty of opportunity to express any unforseen discomfort, reaffirm her support, or maybe find some interest of her own. I want to explore, but I want to do it right. At this point, it sounds like a slow, almost passive approach would be best.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

We wouldnt have a problem with someone who was married, as long as the spouse confirmed it and appeared to be comfortable with the confirmation.

 

This is one of the reasons why we want to get permission from the wife in person. Body language will speak a LOT more about what her wishes are than what her voice says.

 

At this point, it sounds like a slow, almost passive approach would be best.

 

It probably is. Your wife has given consent for you to play alone. But, a greenlight in discussion is not a greenlight in emotion, and a greenlight doesn't necessarily stay lit once lit.

 

It will probably require more discussion, more though, and more time to digest all of this. You both are entering a new world of possibilities. Your wife can say she's comfortable with you playing alone, but the reality once you're out the door off to have sex with someone else may very well be the opposite. You don't know yet. It's ok to go slow. There's no time limit, no finish line to reach.

 

Something else to consider; sometimes there are a couples that are looking for another male to play with, but aren't so much interested in having the wife of the other couple to play with. Nothing wrong with that if they and you two are both fine with it. There would be an opportunity there for your wife to come along and watch the fun then. She wouldn't have to be involved, and can just enjoy watching. There are some people on this forum who do exactly that.

[gloryromper 17]

Curiously, it did evolve into all four of us playing, eventually.

 

I could see that potentially happening with us too with the right couple. Right now she says she's really only interested in other women, but is a bit scared of pursuing it.

 

I wish we had some friends in the LS already that we could just chat with about it. I think it would go a long way with sparking my wife's interest if it was a couple she knew and was comfortable with. Maybe eventually I'll find us some.

[Alura 2,774]

I could see that potentially happening with us too with the right couple. Right now she says she's really only interested in other women, but is a bit scared of pursuing it.

 

I wish we had some friends in the LS already that we could just chat with about it. I think it would go a long way with sparking my wife's interest if it was a couple she knew and was comfortable with. Maybe eventually I'll find us some.

 

The friends you seek are right here on this board. They're experienced, friendly, wise, and always ready to help. Keep in touch, Gloryromper... and bring your wife for a visit, y'heah?

 

Alura

[cocpl2007 170]

The friends you seek are right here on this board. They're experienced, friendly, wise, and always ready to help. Keep in touch, Gloryromper... and bring your wife for a visit, y'heah?

 

Alura

 

 

Agree, wholeheartedly!

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

The friends you seek are right here on this board. They're experienced, friendly, wise, and always ready to help. Keep in touch, Gloryromper... and bring your wife for a visit, y'heah?

 

Alura

 

Add another Agree, wholeheartedly!

[Palatex 52]

I figure if you and your spouse are OK with playing alone, fine. But, while the popular saying is "never say never", I can faithfully say no matter what my wife and I do in this "lifestyle", we're a package deal.

[hughb 45]

Yes, agree with Vegas Lee. My wife was not interested, no how no way. But I did talk her into the topless pools in Vegas and she did enjoy hanging out at the topless pool at Mandalay Bay. And the next day she hung out at the topless pool wearing only a thong.

 

The next year we went to Desire and hung out naked and enjoyed that environment (no swapping) then a year or so later a lifestyle club, then a profile on SLS, then soft swap, then full and finally the never of nevers she had her first girl-girl experience...and enjoyed herself.

 

I agree with Vegas Lee, what's the rush? Enjoy the journey together. It has been a blast corrupting my gorgeous wife!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, gloryromper.

 

Your situation actually makes you, the very first "type" of single male we sought in MFM play in our own home. Unfortunately, a man like you didn't come along....

 

At first, I'll admit I thought, yea, right. I know that's not fair, but it's honest.

 

I don't have experience in your situation, so I can't say what's best ? Hypothetically, I'd be worried about "the day" IF, she changed her mind for the worse.

 

I do know this, when Mrsfun read your profile she got to the very last line. "I'll be going home to my wife and leaving you to yours" She read that one line out loud, shook her head, walked off, then went back in the kitchen last night. Probably more of a "Womans" understanding, so I digress....

 

I don't know what that's about though, and probably won't ask her. All single males must meet one requirement. Her interest and approval, first. My approval/opinion with veto, secondly. FWIW, Its a two way deal with the single woman, I take to interest.

 

That statement in the last line ? It's all good by me brother, but apparently not good with some women is my observation. All is well with your profile, except that one line ? You might want to make that more, "wife friendly". You might understand it more also, from your own wifes viewpoint.....

[gloryromper 17]

As expected, you guys have great advice. I do agree with VegasLee that there's no reason to hurry and that it's best if I can wait for my wife's interest to develop. She's already said she's up for going to Sea Mountain when the weather warms back up so we're planning to go spend a day out there in a few months. In the mean time, we can continue to talk and see where the comfort level is by then. But I'll also keep my profile on sls and maybe get a chance to make some local friends along the way.

 

I'm definitely going to change that line in my profile. Hearing it back, it does sound completely different than my intent.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

1) Is it a red flag for couples in the LS to see a married guy playing alone if their wife is aware of the situation and is willing to verify that fact?

 

2) What is the best way to represent myself in an Swing Lifestyle profile? Obviously, my profile is single, but should I state the fact that I'm actually married in my profile or wait to tell people that until after contact is made?

 

3) As a married man playing alone, with no experience in the LS, am I just too bad bet for most people? Do I even stand a chance given the insane number of single men out there? Can the fact that I'm married actually be considered a good thing for some people?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated! If you happen to look my my Swing Lifestyle profile, I already know that I need a photo, but any other input is very welcome. Thanks so much!!

 

Your situation will still be a red light for some. Many will not play with married guys period. However, some couples prefer your situation because they feel it may be safer.

 

You should be upfront with people from the get - go, in your ad or in any other way you meet them. If you aren't and they find out afterwards it's more likely to send them walking away. Keep in mind that some may even want a note from your wife.