Going for the GF/BF Experience...Your Opinion

[shrevecouple 252]

Here's the situation. We have some very good friends who have decided to go exclusive with another couple, opting for the GF/BF experience with them. For example, they all go out on a date and exchange partners for the evening. Hold hands and pretty much appear to be attached to each of the other couple.

IMO this is a whole different take on swinging that takes it to another level. You swing with people and maybe even like these people but that emotional connection isn't quite there. When you introduce this type of situation you are playing with fire. My husband and I have a very strong relationship and swinging may be a part of it but I don't wanna go out there and tempt fate? Does that make sense.

I have expressed my concerns and they listened but they are grown folks and they are gonna do what they feel they are comfortable with and I am gonna respect that. But I can't help but worry.

 

So I am just wondering how often have yall seen this within the lifestyle and what are your takes or opinions on it?

[GPHTallCouple 69]

It just seems too darn goofy for me. Thinking it through, I keep thinking why? I guess if you want to flirt and all that, if you are together it is easier to keep your cover low to swap partners before arriving to your destination. I know at times when we have met couples at restaurants when we switch around so I'm sitting with the other man and she is sitting with MrGPH, someone is bound to notice.

My only worry is if when they go out on their dates, they don't double date. Then you start working on romantic attachments outside your marriage, that's playing with fire. It could also lead to a large poly type set up too, but I don't think that's their intention.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Everybody has different views of the world. shrevecouple, I'm with you. My wife and I look for swing partners, not love partners. But, plenty of other couples are looking for more emotional grounding in the sex partners they play with. If it works for them, great. It can be difficult, but so is swinging itself.

 

All you can do as a friend is to voice your concerns (which you have) and let them live their lives as they will (which you have).

[SAVANDWIN 266]

I wonder what happens when one of the 2 swapped couples becomes disenchanted with the other spouse. For me personally sometimes the more I get to know someone the less I like them. There are things I prefer you reserve for your own wife! I do not want to wake up beside you, I don't need to be involved in your day to day lives, hear about your office gossip/problems, your health issues, financial difficulties or for that matter what your wife did last week that pissed you off. We adore all our "friends" but we do not want to "date" any of them nor get toooo personal. Ya can only talk about sex for so long lol. The more you hang out with people the more flaws are exposed, yours and mine. Mr. Sav loves me unconditionally as I do him but I do not want to know "you" so well that I have to overlook your flaws while swinging.

The only exclusive emotional attachment I want or need is with Mr. Sav.

Sounds like a Hot Mess.

We've never encountered it and frankly if we did we'd be extremely uncomfortable.

But alas to each their own .

 

Mrs Sav

[padoc 1,703]

Sav, we couldn't agree more. We play with our playmates. We socialize with them, we've even traveled with them. However, we draw the line at sharing a room for anything other than sex and once we're done with whatever social activity or playtime, Mr & Mrs Doc go off together. We like the allure of new or familiar sexy playmates. I think that allure would lose its glow if we had to deal with morning breath, or flatulence or snoring or teeth grinding.

[SAVANDWIN 266]

I hear ya lol....................some things are best reserved for your spouse ! She loves and knows you well enough to overlook certain behaviors lol.

 

If I get to know you so well I leanr things about you I NEVER wanted to know I'll be singing..........there's goes another perfectly good fantasy shot right to hell.

 

Mrs Sav

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

So I am just wondering how often have yall seen this within the lifestyle and what are your takes or opinions on it?

I've not met any couples who have decided to play exclusively with each other. But I think there are people who favor that idea, at least to start, and exchanging partners for the evening has had some discussion on the Board. I see it as just something different to try.

 

These couples have both agreed they would like to be exclusive. With this decision, they will probably have a different way of playing. It could work just great for them.

 

What I have always liked about trying something new is that, if I find it didn't work out as expected, I can say I at least gave it a try. I've never been one to turn away an opportunity that I feel may expand myself or my awareness of others. When I make a bad decision, it usually comes with the benefit of a great lesson learned that will help me in life.

 

I wouldn't worry about them. They could try it once and all laugh about how awkward it was and never play that way again. By their next date it is back to four on a date, four on a bed, and always together.

 

LM

[shrevecouple 252]

They did say they wouldn't go out on dates seperately per say. But basically swap for a double date and in bed. The husband told me that his wife has heard him for years tell her he thinks she's beautiful but apparently another outside the relationship telling her these things has been giving her a big confidence boost. I get that feeling that lust from others is a big turn on and a confidence booster. But we are talking about the male swing partner texting the female of my friends on a regular basis and so on. I mean it really sounds like they are going for a true gf/bf setup here. I know they don't want to be "bedhoppers" and this is part of their way of achieving that I guess.

 

But I totally agree with yall. Alot of that stuff I want reserved for me and my hubby. Isn't that some of the stuff that yall have said over and over. Even though they aren't at that place at this time. I think they are opening themselves up to feelings/emotion towards these people which could severely complicate things further down the road. I'll say it again I can't imagine feeling the way I feel about my husband with any other but do I wanna test that. NO!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We have seen this. The GFE/BFE is a fantasy for some. Not sure it is our bag a trix, but to each his/her own.

 

I think there are three ways this can go. If it is fantasy role play, like school girl, cop, bar pick up, getting dressed up sexy for a social or other such fantasies that I have seen people talk about or play out, then I don't think it is a big deal. It is just sex with a "plot" involved.

 

If on the other hand it is seriously moving toward a poly relationship that is another. If all parties are in agreement, then if works for them, great.

 

The third is one that send up red flags to me. If anyone in the group has the intent / starts to develop real, and deep emotional bonds, or is looking to replace something missing in their relationship then it can get sideways quickly.

 

But I am not sure I read any of those in your post. Maybe I just did not read into it the intent you were going for. But the actions you discribed are fairly innocuous. Sure they are not for everyone, but some people like the "role play" element. I like just getting together and having some fun behind closed doors, but if my playmate wants to role play a bit, no problem, as long it is clear it is just that.

 

As for some of the specifics you mentioned, I certainly pay compliments to my playmates. It does make them feel good, as well as it makes my wife and I feel good when we receive compliments.

 

Quote "I get that feeling that lust from others is a big turn" Well hell yeah!!. Lust is a desire for sex, not love. I certainly get turned on when a beautiful woman wants to take me to bed and ravage me. If she starts talking about "love" or what she is missing from her relationship, then I am looking for the exit.

 

We do text with a few playmates, others we don't. It depends on how long we have know them and how often we get together. The more we enjoy their company then the closer we are. Others we have sex with and may not talk again until we set up a new play date.

 

Hold hands in public? Depends on what you mean by public. At a social, sure and a lot more than hold hands . In a dimly lit corner of a nice restaurant a reasonable distance from our homes? Sure. Going to the local mall and hold hands while we shop? Hell no, I wouldn't even go shopping unless it was the four of us.

 

I guess what I am saying is this could just be a simple fantasy element of play that your friends want to indulge. It is not to easy to see, based on what you wrote, that is necessarily more than that.

[lustylearning 705]

Yep, that's not your standard swing. It's a sort of polyfidelity or agreed upon exclusivity that offers different benefits to the participants. You can say it's playing with fire, but so is swinging. Choose your fire:)

[exploringRM 305]

We have good friends who are a 4some in a poly relationship. They do alot of things together, travel, go out, etc. While they are together as a 4some they also swing with others, so different from the OP experience. They seem very happy and we enjoy spending time with them.

[Alura 2,774]

I agree with LM.

 

Mrs. Alura and I did something similar. Often, when we'd go to dinner with a play couple, we'd exchange partners before we went into the restaurant just for the notoriety of it. Of course, the wait staff thought the marriages were as we appeared. We'd sometimes even steal a kiss with our play partners just to heighten the naughtiness, as if we were giving the other diners a bit of an early view of a live sex show that we knew was going to happen.

 

To us it was nothing more than a diversion, certainly not something to get concerned about.

 

Alura

[shrevecouple 252]

I guess one of the main things that spoke to me the loudest what the exclusivity. I understand you may not wanna be "bedhoppers" but not that you need develop a possible serious relationship. I am gonna sit back and see what happens for sure. I can tell they are all caught up in it right now. LOL

[The Fuse 1,012]

Everybody has different views of the world. shrevecouple, I'm with you. My wife and I look for swing partners, not love partners. But, plenty of other couples are looking for more emotional grounding in the sex partners they play with. If it works for them, great. It can be difficult, but so is swinging itself.

 

All you can do as a friend is to voice your concerns (which you have) and let them live their lives as they will (which you have).

 

This is very nicely put. What works for one couple is different than what works for another couple. My husband and I have had poly relationships in the past. As with swinging, we weren't missing something in our own relationship. We were just open to real feelings of affection and love when they occurred, knowing that our own bond would not be threatened. And our bond never was tested by having feelings for others. It was tough when our poly relationships went bad, but 'tis better to have loved and lost, as they say. Like with feelings of attraction and sex, we both feel that it's possible and very rewarding to have mutual feelings of affection and love with more than one person. If a relationship happens and things are going that way, then we say as long as everyone is happy with the direction things are going, then damn the torpedoes.

 

We realize the majority of swingers don't feel this way. That's fine, and we don't look for love with our playmates. We are very happy just to swing. But we also feel that for swingers to think being open to poly means there's something missing in our relationship, or that we're playing with fire, is very similar to vanilla folks thinking that swingers are missing something in their relationship and playing with fire. Like lustylearning said, choose your fire.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Alura hit it on the head. Swinging is just a diversion from the normalcy that society has established. And, the GF/BF angle, simply makes it a sweeter diversion.

[DocWill 83]

This is very nicely put. What works for one couple is different than what works for another couple. My husband and I have had poly relationships in the past. As with swinging, we weren't missing something in our own relationship. We were just open to real feelings of affection and love when they occurred, knowing that our own bond would not be threatened. And our bond never was tested by having feelings for others. It was tough when our poly relationships went bad, but 'tis better to have loved and lost, as they say. Like with feelings of attraction and sex, we both feel that it's possible and very rewarding to have mutual feelings of affection and love with more than one person. If a relationship happens and things are going that way, then we say as long as everyone is happy with the direction things are going, then damn the torpedoes.

 

We realize the majority of swingers don't feel this way. That's fine, and we don't look for love with our playmates. We are very happy just to swing. But we also feel that for swingers to think being open to poly means there's something missing in our relationship, or that we're playing with fire, is very similar to vanilla folks thinking that swingers are missing something in their relationship and playing with fire. Like lustylearning said, choose your fire.

 

+100! Well said.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Everyone is different and has different limits and levels of comfort. They may end up crossing the line from just swinging into poly and if they do that's their choice. You've expressed your concerns for them and that's all you can/should do as a friend. Now, you just have to let them swing the way they choose and if it leads to something more be accepting.

[Guest rdy46227]

Having done BFE/GFE more than a few times, I must say like it very much. Because the person I'm with is different, I have fun in a different way.

 

While you can sax that about raw sex (different partner = unfamiliarity or dissimilar technique), I enjoy the non-sex part too. It's a lot like when you're young and are dating around to explore different people.

 

And the bonus is that when you're both good and ready, you can have sex without the overhead of courting and seduction to overcome resistance, just as your SO is almost always available and willing.

 

But (at least) I can treat the 'fun outside the bedroom' part the same as the 'fun in the bedroom' and not become overly attached to someone who doesn't want an ongoing relationship.

 

While I swung in younger days, my life is enjoyably poly today, which may color things a bit.

 

Don't know that I've got the words right. Does anybody think they understand me?

[dr_pepper 25]

I have been on double dates with other couples, where nothing ever did happen, but I sure would have loved to have "dated" the other lady, whether we ended up in bed or not, just for the shared experience. I think several others have voiced something similar. I think that Alura has it pegged.

[shrevecouple 252]

I guess it all boils down for us that something needs to be kept sacred within the marriage. And this experiment/experience is just blurring the lines too much. And of course I am not speaking for anyone but us. We have discussed this and both agreed it would be out of our comfort zone and stepping on boundaries.

[shrevecouple 252]

I figured I'd update ya'll on this particular situation. My friend and her husband seperated back last April and their divorce will be final around May. The couple they were swinging with their divorce was final back in December.

 

My friend is now officially out with her relationship with the guy from the other now divorced couple. She says she is very happy and he treats her and her daughter very well. I wish her the best.

 

She says that her ex is now dating the female but tries to deny it even though his mother says he brings her to all the family events.

 

This whole event when it started caused much strife between my friend and I because she told me one thing and did another! In fact we ended up breaking our ties almost a year ago. She tried to contact me several months back but I just couldn't do it. I knew that her situation was just too strange for me to be around. I finally decided to reach out to her last night and these are the details that I find out that happened not long after we broke contact.

[shrevecouple 252]

Also my friend's ex has went so far as to name names and their occupations on court documents trying to get back at her. As far as she knows none of these people have been contacted during these divorce proceedings but now they are on public record as swingers and have no clue!

 

There is alot at stake when you swing and it is more than pregnancy and STDs. I don't think most people think of these possibilities when venturing into swinging. Be prepared for whatever could happen.

[slevin 1,374]

Also my friend's ex has went so far as to name names and their occupations on court documents trying to get back at her. As far as she knows none of these people have been contacted during these divorce proceedings but now they are on public record as swingers and have no clue!

 

There is alot at stake when you swing and it is more than pregnancy and STDs. I don't think most people think of these possibilities when venturing into swinging. Be prepared for whatever could happen.

 

This is something that has come up here multiple times. Not that it happened, but people advising new folks to consider things like this. It's also a good reason to avoid any situation involving cheaters. Also a good example of listening to your gut and avoiding anyone that gives you reason to pause...

[Guest Aching]

Because we have committed to an "entire" experience (bareback) we are looking for committed "marrieds"; perhaps 4-6 couples for occasional play and would hope that we are "exclusive" in that no one exposes any of us to any disease.

 

We realize the dangers of "regular" sex partners, but think in a small group that risk is somewhat diminished.

 

However, anyone could fall in love with anyone else at any time....that's just life...it's always a risk....but so is anything else you do where you meet other people. Just need to trust that our relationship is so strong, there will be no problems.

 

And if there are....well....that is a risk worth taking in our opinion. We are very confident in our own relationship so don't see it as a problem.

[Just Passing By 140]

Well now , just now reading thru the whole thread from scratch.

 

Stuff happens , and can happen in lots of situations , for many reasons, or no discernable reason. But that said ....

 

I'm still thinking much along the lines from Alura. Who sits next to who at dinner, nightclub, etc , or holds hands as if on a date is not a major triggering factor.

 

Playing with one couple is indeed a signifagent variable, but not that rare, and for various reasonings. Works for some , dosen't for others.

 

Spending extended time dinning and entertaining first requires more available time, and scheduling than we typically had , but there is a wide continuim of prefered connections / friends/ socializing / etc.

 

Yes it was tragic how things ended up , but the Double Date-ish aspect was a minor thing , and not a thrid rail.

[Chicup 41]

Thanks for the update and I'm surprised I didn't comment on this thread, I must have missed it. Anyone who knows my posting would know what I would have said and that the outcome was predictable.

 

People really need to figure out that even when you think you understand your emotions, you are still often at their whim. "Playing" bf/gf is in the end going to be BE bf/gf, and sooner or later something is going to break. Hearts, marriages, that sort of thing.

[shrevecouple 252]

They were definitly serious on the BF/GF thing. They did do alone dates with the prospective spouses and so on. I did have to ask her if she was going to swing in her new relationship (since that's how they met). She said they discussed it and they both agreed that their ex's where the ones who were the main instigators on pushing the swinging thing and this it wasn't for them. Time will tell. LOL Whether they swing or not I hope it all works out for her because she deserves a man more respectful of her than her ex and for her little 3 year old daughter's sake.