Solutions for half a couple?

[nllswing 81]

I wander if you can give me any advice. The situation is as follows:

 

We are a couple. She is not interested in swinging. If anything, she feels that she is a polyamorous type and would rather have a close stable friend and lover, although right now she is not actively seeking.

 

She is letting me "look around" subject to her knowing and some safety rules. I have checked a couple of sites but have not put too much effort in it due too other things to worry about. Our situation is similar to that of Little Firefly's family except that I have not played before and that we don't go clubs.

 

My question is:

 

There are too many vanilla dating sites like Plentyofish or OKcupid where it is full of single people and no one would hardly care to meet a married guy who also has duties at home. At the same time, the swinging-related sites have the single males a dime a dozen and get one free.

 

So, what do half couples who are not into threesomes do?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

A single guy who also has duties at home? Just what in the World is this? Explain, please, and maybe I can lend some advice.

[nllswing 81]

Ouch! Attention to detail is not a strength of mine at this hour. I meant "married but being available alone because she is interested in other things."

[MN Tom 251]

Well, if you want to go the route of a swinger site, you will need to put some work into it.

 

You are right, there are a ton of single males, and it will take a while to "find your place" amongst them.

 

Some things you will need to do is have a good profile, good pictures, and have some readily available way to verify your status as a married male with permission/hallpass.

 

And, unless you are a god, people wont come flocking to your door, so you will have to get out there and find them. Go to parties, clubs, whatever you can find to get out there and mingle. Talk a lot, chatrooms, forums..

 

 

On a side note, you will also have to be dang sure your wife is really ok with you doing this.

[nllswing 81]

Thanks Tom. As for her, she'd rather have me have a "friend with benefits," or two, regular playmates, and this is what I'd like anyway. My complaint was that it seems that it is either "swing together as a couple" in the swingers' world or "be single (not married)" on a vanilla site. I wish there was more room for "half couples" whose significant others have other interests.

[little firefly 64]

Well, I'm not going to sugar coat mine and Davids (NDN) situation. Even though we do go to a swingers club, he doesn't get to play as much as I'm sure he'd like. The main reason being that yes, single men in the lifestyle are a dime a dozen. The good thing however is that the more he's gone to the club, the more people have gotten to know him (and me). They know that we're a totally committed couple, that he knows how the lifestyle works, and that he can be trusted to play with other mens wives without crossing any lines. He's also had the chance to play with a few single women after they were assured (by me directly) that I was ok with it. We've even been invited and gone to a few house parties by other club members that we've become friends with.

 

MN Tom is right. If you choose to make a profile on a swingers site, it will take some work. You'll need to be creative to catch the attention of couples or singles looking for a single male to play with, and yes, you'll definitely want a way to verify that you're married with permission. With David and me that's easy, as I go to the club with him most of the time (as of right now that's the only place I feel comfortable with him playing aside from the house parties we went to). Taking your wife along for the first meeting is always a good idea. That way she can be there in person to give her permission, and any rules, boundaries, concerns, etc. can be laid on the table to be discussed.

 

Just don't get discouraged. It's true, couples and single women have a lot more opportunities in the lifestyle, but there's a place for single (or in your case, married with a hall pass) men too. You just have to work a bit harder to find it.

[Alura 2,774]

My late wife and I believe(d) that swinging is for couples. That's the case, I think, with a majority of couples. If it's not couples-doing-it-together, it's simply not swinging. Name it something else, please.

 

Singles (and married people with or without "hall passes") are swimming against the tide. They must accept that their experiences will be harder to come by and likely not worth the effort expended. Few people would go to a meeting of the Porsche Club expecting to take someone else's 911 around the track.

 

If such people would concentrate on their spouses, their marriages would be rewarded.

 

Disclaimer: Like most generalizations, my ideas do not apply to all.

 

Alura

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

As Alura knows, I have a very high degree of respect for him, and I think he for me. That said, we disagree on this point and have disagreed before. With all respect, I want to respond in particular to this point:

 

If such people would concentrate on their spouses, their marriages would be rewarded.

 

This presumes something is wrong with their marriage. I just don't see it that way. I do not believe that the only successful swinging arrangement is where both spouses engage in the same level of play. I do believe that a successful swinging couple is NOT one where one spouse is ALLOWED to play to one level, and the other to another level. If there's self selection to the level desired, as with little firefly's swinging arrangement, I fail to see anything wrong with it.

 

Having a different level of play comfort for yourself than the comfort level of play you have with your spouse, when the latter is 'more' than former, is not a recipe for disaster. When it's the other way around, then there's a problem.

 

For my wife and I, we would gladly have an MFM with a married man if we had his wife's permission in person. To date, it hasn't happened. But, were little firefly and I closer than several states apart, we would at least be in contact. I see nothing wrong with their arrangement.

 

To the OP: I agree with others. You're going to have to work at it, set up a great profile, provide good (or better) pictures, and your wife will need to be readily available for meet and greets. There IS a place for married males playing solo in swinging, but it's a market where there's a lot more supply than demand, and much of the supply is rather disappointing. You're going to have to work at it to set yourself apart from the riff raff.

[Alura 2,774]

As Alura knows, I have a very high degree of respect for him, and I think he for me. That said, we disagree on this point and have disagreed before. With all respect, I want to respond in particular to this point:

 

You're right that I have a great deal of respect for you, B, as you know from the "Reputation" comments I've made. We can disagree with no problem. That's what discussion is all about.

 

This presumes something is wrong with their marriage. I just don't see it that way. I do not believe that the only successful swinging arrangement is where both spouses engage in the same level of play. I do believe that a successful swinging couple is NOT one where one spouse is ALLOWED to play to one level, and the other to another level. If there's self selection to the level desired, as with little firefly's swinging arrangement, I fail to see anything wrong with it.

 

I didn't say there was something wrong with their marriage; just that (in my opinion) concentration on each other would make it even more intimate and, consequently (in my opinion) more successful in swinging and other endeavors.

 

Having a different level of play comfort for yourself than the comfort level of play you have with your spouse, when the latter is 'more' than former, is not a recipe for disaster. When it's the other way around, then there's a problem.

 

Comfort has little to do with it, in my opinion. We tried "open marriage" early on and found it was pretty boring and added little to our already great communication. Plus, the play partners we met never quite seemed to understand why we were doing it. That which is right or wrong is for individual couples to decide.

 

For my wife and I, we would gladly have an MFM with a married man if we had his wife's permission in person. To date, it hasn't happened. But, were little firefly and I closer than several states apart, we would at least be in contact. I see nothing wrong with their arrangement.

 

Here's where we agree. We had threesomes with married men, the husband of our regular play couple, never a cheater. His wife was aware; it was a lot of fun, and when it was convenient, the favor was returned to the wife. There is nothing morally wrong with their arrangement. They must decide the morals of their actions themselves. It just isn't going to be easy... and a lot of folks (we would have been included) won't be diggin' it.

 

To the OP: I agree with others. You're going to have to work at it, set up a great profile, provide good (or better) pictures, and your wife will need to be readily available for meet and greets. There IS a place for married males playing solo in swinging, but it's a market where there's a lot more supply than demand, and much of the supply is rather disappointing. You're going to have to work at it to set yourself apart from the riff raff.

 

With this, I totally agree. Each couple has to decide if the result is worth the effort. Still, when I go to an activity of the Porsche Club, I'll be taking my car, thank you. If I no longer have one, I won't go.

 

Disclaimer: Since Laura died, I've not tried to swing and won't unless I build a relationship with another woman who is interested in participating.

 

Keep up the good work, B. You're one of our best!

 

Alura

[shrevecouple 252]

Speaking from experience talking to single men looking for MFM I will agree you may find alot of resistance. There are so many cheating men out there that any time I hear they are married and either "the wife just isn't into it as much as me" or "she's vanilla but is ok with me playing alone" I immediately have red flags popping up in my mind everywhere. Your SO needs to be prepared to have to talk to prospective playmates because you may get asked quite often. And it is just people not wanting to be part of somebody cheating.

[nllswing 81]

Little Firefly, Alura, Bbarnsworth, and Shrevecouple: thank you for the detailed and thoughtful answers. Having read this board for almost a year, I have got an idea how difficult is supposed to be for single men swinging. This is why I am not even trying some things. To top it all, I am not that interested in MFMs either.

What I wander is whether there is a middle ground for half couples to meet. It seems that there isn't much other than for cheaters in their ordinary course of business.

 

As for my wife, she would love to meet a couple socially. Actually, if somebody is in NY and willing to "waste time" on a couple that will not play, we'd be happy to meet you. She, however, is not comfortable getting naked in front of or doing things with people she does not know quite well. A position I deeply respect.

[GPHTallCouple 69]

If you two could go to a swing club together that would be great I think. It sounds like firefly and you should trade some notes.

 

I think many of the swinger sites that have mostly couples aren't going to be your best bet. When I read what you were looking for I immediately thought of AFF. You will still have to compete with a lot of other men, but there are more straight women just looking for FWB there vs mostly bi females looking for other females on other sites. AFF likes to think they are a swinger site, but I think the majority of folks on there are looking for sex hook ups (NSA/FB/FWB) and not swingers, yet.

 

It might be different in your area, so perhaps looking around at the various sites for the best numbers will need to be part of your strategy too.

[nllswing 81]

Thanks GPHTall,

 

I was "afraid" that it may be the "good ol AFF" of which many complain. We tried it once for a very brief period where we thought that we can swing together. I wish there were something better, but as they say, this is what there is.

[GPHTallCouple 69]

Oh yes and I complain about AFF too! I can't complain too loudly though, I met MrGPH through it so some good has come out of there for me. When I was a single gal, I used AFF for FWB/FB hook ups. It worked good for that.

 

Hopefully the clubs will work out for you. Especially if you can find a club that has a nonplay area where she can hang out and socialize. I'm sure that would help you get started.

[ItTakes3 19]

Because of our differing playmate interests, we've tried posting on AFF in several ways. My wife can play alone, and when using that profile, she was overwhelmed with responses. From those dozens of responses, she cherry picked a few good men for one-nighters, and one became a regular FB. That has developed into sort of a polyandry situation, so she pulled her AFF ad for a while.

 

I can also play alone, but that profile on AFF received absolutely zero responses, even though it stated that my wife would verify by phone. When I moved the ad to Senior Friend Finders, I received a few responses that resulted in one forgetable "event".

 

We are now on AFF with a profile as a couple with differing age interests, but in six months the only responses have been from men and couples who don't bother to read the profile, or don't think the words apply in their case.

 

Not complaining....merely sharing experiences.

[nllswing 81]

Senior friend finder? What sounds great to try. Thanks!

 

I just tried my AFF pass and it did not work, which makes me hope that it is a different site. Yesterday I tried SeniorSizzle, which, surprise surprise was the AFF again. When I saw how similar the registration menu was I simply tried to log in with the AFF credentials and voila!

 

 

[nllswing 81]

Because of our differing playmate interests, we've tried posting on AFF in several ways. My wife can play alone, and when using that profile, she was overwhelmed with responses. From those dozens of responses, she cherry picked a few good men for one-nighters, and one became a regular FB. That has developed into sort of a polyandry situation, so she pulled her AFF ad for a while.

 

I can also play alone, but that profile on AFF received absolutely zero responses, even though it stated that my wife would verify by phone. When I moved the ad to Senior Friend Finders, I received a few responses that resulted in one forgetable "event".

 

We are now on AFF with a profile as a couple with differing age interests, but in six months the only responses have been from men and couples who don't bother to read the profile, or don't think the words apply in their case.

 

Not complaining....merely sharing experiences.

 

To add a little more. My wife and I, when we thought to swing together placed an ad on AFF and liked one couple but they rejected us. The rest was no responses and a couple emails from people we were not interested in.

 

Fast forward to one month ago. I placed profiles on dateacougar.com and OKCupid.

Datrecoucar, as I learned later, allows women to register for free, which means that once registered using a "disposable" email address, their profiles will appear forever if not closed. On dateacougar, I got only rejections and no answers from those to whom I wrote. I also got a few emails from women, two of which seemed interested. One was too far and not my type, and I met the other although I did not think it was going to be great. As you know, sometimes people look better in person than on a photo, so I gave it a try. Turned our that she has been for years on the site, looking for a long term relationship, despite that I explicitly kept stating my situation. So, nothing materialized.

 

On OKcupid, only one woman was interested and in the end she canceled shortly before the date. This was 3 weeks ago. Since then, only rejections and no answers.

 

I am a little curious though, for one thing. Aren't married men with permission considered safe and drama-free because they are less likely that single men to try to steal a women from a couple or to invade the personal space of a woman who chooses to be single?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I am a little curious though, for one thing. Aren't married men with permission considered safe and drama-free because they are less likely that single men to try to steal a women from a couple or to invade the personal space of a woman who chooses to be single?

 

Couples who are true swingers have no particular fear of either being stolen owing to the firm relationship that was established before they launched themselves into swing activities. In regard to married-with-permission, one man of our intimate acquaintance is married but the "permission" is not the kind being discussed here. The only communication he has with his wife is sending her checks in the mail as part of a separation agreement and her repeated declarations that she will not agree to a divorce. This, in our minds, is something different than a woman who gives permission to play today but might changes her mind tomorrow.

[nllswing 81]

In regard to married-with-permission, one man of our intimate acquaintance is married but the "permission" is not the kind being discussed here. The only communication he has with his wife is sending her checks in the mail as part of a separation agreement and her repeated declarations that she will not agree to a divorce. This, in our minds, is something different than a woman who gives permission to play today but might changes her mind tomorrow.

 

I am not sure how this example relates to the question. Of course, anybody can have a change of mind, whether a refusing-to-become-ex wife or a well-seasoned swinger.