Are we playing with fire?

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Hi there and Merry Christmas to everyone.

 

We have so many questions, I barely know where to start. I think I'm going to try to split the questions up into separate postings, since all are different.

 

I posted before when we were thinking about going to our first party. We got some great advice. Especially about going with no expectations and trying out a few different places, since all are different.

 

We've been to two parties since. One was a house party and the other was a meet and greet at a hotel lounge. We were welcomed at both and felt reassured that most of the people we met were nice, open-minded, normal people We're going to a third party next weekend for New Years. If nothing else, it has been a lot of fun to get out and meet other couples like us.

 

So far, other than being around it at the parties, hearing the stories from friend's of ours who have been in the lifestyle for a while, and a trip to Desire in Mexico last fall, our only actual experience is being with each other--same room/same bed types of situations.

 

We're ready to take it to the next level to some soft-swapping if we meet the right couple. We've agreed that is our limit, though. Neither one of us wants to full swap. But we think soft swapping could be really erotic and just spice things up even more for us.

 

But here's where the questions come in. We've been married 23 years and we were high-school sweethearts, so we've pretty much been together our whole lives. Except for one indiscretion each during a rocky period in the first year of our marriage (when we were still foolish kids), we've been completely monogamous. We are totally and completely in love with each other...no question with either of us. If there is any such thing, we know we are soul mates. We're best friends, talk about everything, share everything. Our sex life just gets better every year, especially now that our one child is grown and we the house to ourselves again

 

The bottom line: We know how incredibly lucky we are to have each other. Are we risking this? Could we damage our relationship in any way? What if he sees me enjoying myself with another man and it hurts him or he feels jealousy instead of pleasure? What if I see him with another woman and it hurts me? Obviously, we would stop then and never do it again. But at that point it would have been done and could never be taken back. Would it hurt our relationship in a permanent way?

 

I said that we have decided our boundary is a soft swap with no intercourse. What if, after a couple of experiences, one of us decides we want to take it further and the other doesn't. How do we reconcile that? We totally agree that we only ever go as far as the most hesitant of us. But he's afraid that if it were me who wanted to full swap, that he would feel like he was holding me back if he didn't want to and just that alone could somehow hurt us.

 

I guess the question is, did any of you have these same concerns and worries? If so, how did you get past them? ARE we playing with fire? Seriously...is the fact that we are even worrying about these things a sign that we should stop now and not go any further? Thanks for any advice!

[exploringRM 305]

There is always the risk of swinging damaging your relationship. I think the key to that not happening is communication (which you appear to be doing). Agree on your rules before hand. Discuss your experience as you move forward. Just keep talking. And make sure you talk about the uncomfortable stuff too.

 

There is always the chance that you develop feelings for a swing partner. My wife and I discussed that situation before we started and we agreed that if we recognize that happening some distance will be needed from that playmate. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say swingers have never broken up over a relationship with a playmate. But sometimes their primarily relationship had issues to begin with.

 

Regarding on one person wanting more, swinging moves as fast as the slowest person. You both need to be comfortable with what you want out of swinging. As long as you are both enjoying yourselves take your time. There is never a rush.

 

Enjoy your experiences!

[MsGoneWild 182]

Firstly, congratulations on your new found explorations!

 

What has always worked for my fiancee and myself has been to go at the place of the slower partner. (Which has been me). Either I've gotten comfortable with new ideas or i haven't (and consequently we didn't participate in said activity). Fiancee knows this is something we do together to enhance our sex life, and that its having your cake and eating it to. If we aren't both comfortable with something, we just don't do it.

 

We do, however, let any possible partners know our limits and ask about theirs. Then we respect them. Example: We are a full swap couple, and look for other full swap couples or singles. Me especially, can't climax from oral alone so we specifically look for other full swappers to play with so everyone's needs are met.

 

You guys seem to be doing everything right. Go over rules between yourselves before hand, and with your new found partners when you meet them. Let it be known that someone can stop or pause play at any time if someone is feeling uncomfortable. IF something happens that you don't stop while it was going on (for whatever reason) talk about it after. DONT hold it in. Communication is really important when it comes to swinging.

[Alura 2,774]

It seems to me that if y'all were able to get past the "indiscretions" during your first year of marriage, the two of you will be able to handle anything that comes up in swinging.

 

It's true that "shouldadones" don't count. You two have shown your ability to communicate and, therefore, work out problems. I don't think it'll be much different in swinging if y'all encounter a situation that is uncomfortable.

 

I hope you'll keep sharing with us as you and your husband travel this new road.

 

Good luck!

[JM153 346]

Hope you had a Merry Christmas. We sure did. If I understand the situation you are in at this moment it is what if you, the female, wants to go on to full swap, but your husband does not. Will he feel like he is holding you back and agree to make you happy. Neither of you have any problem with soft swap. Is this about the gist of it? If so then part of what he has to understand and agree to is that you will be truthful with him and likewise you have to understand and agree is that he will be truthful with you. Combine that with both of you agree that you as a couple is the most important thing and that to maintain that primacy you both will happily go with the slowest. Now, I believe I understand where he is coming from because nothing makes me happier than to see my partner happy and fulfilled. I will make all kinds of sacrifices for her. I suspect your hubby is similar and hence his fear. He does not want to tell you no. Going back to the agreement, that overriding individual happiness is the commitment to the couple and that each of you will be truthful about your feelings, will require each of you to agree that you will say no if you don't feel good about what is going on.

 

If you two can make those agreements then you are not playing with fire to soft swap. You can ease into it with a little foreplay with other couples. How do each of you react to seeing the other kiss someone else. How does he react to seeing another guy playing with your breasts, etc. If the jealousy overwhelms him when he sees you acting kissing another male then stop right there. If he can handle that then you can go a little farther the next time, and so on. As has been said honest communication before, during and after is essential and that is true no matter how long you have been in the lifestyle.

 

We wish you good luck and a Happy New Year.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I agree with Alura about you two managing to get through cheating during your first year. And, you seem to have very good communications now.

 

I've been married for almost 39 years now. We got into swinging after three years of marriage with a rule against full swapping.

 

My wife was the one who first took it to the next level but she made sure I knew before. The couple we were with, at the time, knew of our rule and the wife of that couple knew that her husband and my wife were going to break it.

 

OK, I was caught off guard but two things happened at that moment.

 

First, I knew if my wife were leading him to the bedroom that she wanted to. And, I've always wanted her to have what she really wants!

 

Second, I knew that his wife had wanted to full swap for several dates but had respected our rule. And, when I looked at her cute, questioning, face I knew that I wanted her just as badly as my wife had wanted the other husband and this woman wanted me.

 

I think that you, like us, would never get to a point that one of you would want to full swap unless you had found a couple you both felt good with. And, like us, if that happened I think you'd both be ready if one wanted to.

 

Now, would it have a negative impact or cause troubles in your marriage after? I don't think it would. It really didn't for us. Hey, that was over 35 years ago and we're still together and happy.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Hi all. Really appreciate the advice. I only have a few minutes as we're with family. I'll post more later. But did want to clarify that we actually agree that neither of us is interested in full swap. I think that what concerns him most is that we are entering into this totally new experience together, still on the same wavelength and agreeing on things, but what IF this changes us somehow and what IF we begin to want different things.

 

We're enjoying reading the posts and really appreciate the advice. Like I said, we have lots more questions and I'll post more when we have a little private time.

[Alura 2,774]

EnjoyingLife said:

Hi all. Really appreciate the advice. I only have a few minutes as we're with family. I'll post more later. But did want to clarify that we actually agree that neither of us is interested in full swap. I think that what concerns him most is that we are entering into this totally new experience together, still on the same wavelength and agreeing on things, but what IF this changes us somehow and what IF we begin to want different things.

 

We're enjoying reading the posts and really appreciate the advice. Like I said, we have lots more questions and I'll post more when we have a little private time.

 

I think we all understand your lack of interest in full swap. My point was that a lot of couples feel that way when they first develop interest in the lifestyle, but often become more at ease and change their minds.

 

I feel that y'all are solid enough that you'll be able to communicate well, deal with any changes, and either change your rules or quit the lifestyle, with no ill effect on your marriage. It's also possible that y'all could go for years soft-swapping with no desire to go further.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

You are all amazing. I hope you know that! We really appreciate all the advice. As this gets closer and closer to being a reality for us we are having endless talks, just to make sure we're doing it for the right reasons and clearly know our boundaries, and to make absolutely sure it is something we both want. So often we find ourselves referring back to advice we've received here, or other messages we we've read here.

 

I think part of the "problem" is just that we are so in tune with each other and each wants the other to be happy and that we each might have a tendency to compromise what we really wanted for ourselves, just to make the other happy. We've definitely decided that we are going to ease in very slowly, check in with each other during and after every single encounter, and be absolutely sure we're proceeding because BOTH of us want to.

 

We agree that we generally have excellent communication and the ability to work through problems and it is really encouraging to hear about so many other couples in the lifestyle who have great marriages. That is actually part of the draw for us. In our every day lives we know so few couples who have really strong happy marriages. It seems most are unhappy, they fight all the time, hide things from each other, etc. For the most part, the couples we've met in the lifestyle seem so much happier and to have far healthier relationships. We just want to make sure we stay that way too

[Alura 2,774]

Thanks for hanging in there with us, Enjoyinglife! We're as excited to have you here as you are grateful for the input. So often we have folks come here whose marriages are failing, are not happy with each other, don't understand communication at all, and hope the lifestyle will cure their waning desire to have sex with each other. Whatever advice we give seems to fall on deaf ears.

 

Board Members: "Y'all are in a deep hole. You must stop digging!"

 

New Member: "But the hole keeps getting deeper! We can't walk around in loose dirt!"

 

Y'all are pretty refreshing!

 

You won't have to go to any effort to "check in with each other during and after every single encounter." You'll both be excited to share every thought and detail... at least that was the case with Mrs. Alura and myself. The drives home were wonderful!

 

Thanks for being here!

[iceman7570 40]

Yes th drive home can be as fun as the playtime your talking about.....the mrs. and I both enjoy the build up before during and after so its all good.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Back and forth, back and forth. A step forward, two back and then two steps forward and one back. LOL. What a journey this is turning out to be!

 

We had such an incredible time the other night at the party and haven't been able to keep our hands off each other since. WHY does this make us feel this way? I don't think either of us really understands, but something that is so obviously good and enjoyable for us as a couple, can't be a bad thing.

 

I had posted in another thread that after the NYE party we had decided to just indefinitely indulge our voyeuristic/exhibitionist sides and not think about taking it any further for a while. THAT decision lasted all of a day or so and now we are back to our original slow, step-by-step soft swapping plan.

 

And, it turns out that we may well have the chance to test that this coming weekend. We've confirmed plans to meet with the couple I posted about in the situational help section of the board.

 

We're both very nervous but also very excited!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Sounds wonderful

 

The effect you describe of not being able to keep your hands off of each other is very common in the swinging world Revel in it! It's awesome!

 

Hope your plans all go well. Keep us posted!

[sweet_tna 680]

Congrats! As to the why? Because it's FUN! Enjoy your continuing adventures!

 

=)

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The short answer is "Yes". You are playing with fire and you are taking a risk. That said, you've worked through worse (obviously) and are here today. If you can work through each of you cheating and you are to a point now with your communication where you feel that swinging is something you both want to try then I doubt you have much to worry about. Even if things don't go the way you hoped they would you'll be able to talk through it and work through it and either move on (without swinging) or figure out what needs to be changed so that swinging does work for you.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Thanks again for all the answers. Seeing Julie's response today, I had to come back on and update this. We're still processing and not ready to share too many details right now, but I wanted to let you know that we DID go out this past weekend with the couple I mentioned and had a really great time with them and what would probably be considered a really good first experience.

 

Though we kept it to soft swap, we're no longer virgin swingers It went a little faster and further than we expected, but we'd talked about the possibility that it could and our boundaries in that case, and nobody broke them.

 

Everyone enjoyed themselves equally, but my husband did have some difficulty seeing me with another man. We're talking and talking and talking and talking some more. It's all good. He's not hurt or angry or anything like that. Just uncomfortable with it. So we're letting it settle and reassessing if this is really for us. For my part, I didn't feel any jealousy at all and strangely (because I didn't expect it), the more he seemed to enjoy himself with the other woman, the more I enjoyed the experience. I really don't understand why, but these experiences have made me feel closer to my husband and more in love with him than ever. But I would be devastated if I ever hurt him and I don't want to continue if he is at all uncomfortable with it. So, right now I don't know what the future might bring.

 

But I did just want to check in and let everyone know we experimented, had a lot of fun, and didn't do any damage to our relationship at all--if anything, we only made it deeper--so life is good

 

Thanks again for all the advice.

[Alura 2,774]

EnjoyingLife said:

But I did just want to check in and let everyone know we experimented, had a lot of fun, and didn't do any damage to our relationship at all--if anything, we only made it deeper--so life is good

 

That sounds just like swinging to me!

[Big Rock 173]

Enjoying life, there is an old saying, "your reach exceeds your grasp". What does that mean? I think it means that anything of value requires effort, and has attendant risks. From the first time you learned to skate to swinging, you have to put in the effort, and accept the risks, for it to be any good. Your husband has some reservations, that's OK, not all people learn to skate at the same pace. What happens now is mostly up to you. Some people will skate off and leave their slower partners, some will reach back, take their hand and help them along. That is what you guys seem to be doing, and it's a wonderful feeling to know that you will always skate together.:D

[JM153 346]

Glad you had a great first experience. I certainly know your reaction. I think it stems from giving him the gift of pleasure and trust. When you trust the other enough to share them it deepens your love and theirs in return. It is one of the ways that swinging can really strengthen a relationship. You are wise to keep talking and to go at his pace. With the thoughtful open attitude that the two of you have exhibited via your posts, I predict he will come to recognize the gift he is giving you and will want to continue the journey.

[Alura 2,774]

EnjoyingLife said:

And, it turns out that we may well have the chance to test that this coming weekend. We've confirmed plans to meet with the couple I posted about in the situational help section of the board.

 

We're both very nervous but also very excited!

 

It's been over two weeks since you posted the above, EnjoyingLife. How did it go?

[EnjoyingLife 127]

We had a great first experience, Alura. It's a lot to process! We're still talking about it every day. But all is good and we're both ready for the next experience. We were actually hoping to get together with the same couple again this weekend, but the scheduling didn't work out. Our child is grown and we have an empty nest, but they still have kids at home and that makes it hard to get away. Maybe next weekend. Plus we're checking out another local party soon, with a group we've heard good things about. Life is good and we're having fun!