Should she drop the sex machine?

[yumyum29a 16]

We started swinging about 3 or 4 years ago and were mainly playing on and off not really with the same people more than twice that was due more to finding the right couple and having the availability then anything else. We both wanted to play but just had a hard time getting away.

 

Well about a year ago due to kids and not having any time we (wife and i) decided to allow my wife to play solo, she was reluctant at first but soon took to playing a sort of "hot wife" roll when she would go out. She would find a guy on line ( typically they would actually find her, she is smoking hot, seriously) then play hard till the wee hours on her way home she would call to check in and tell me every detail when she got home we would have sex like bunnies!

 

Recently (in the past few months) she met a guy that is 26yrs old, tall ( she likes tall), hung like a horse and apparently has the stamina to match everything else. You should see her when she comes home - Wow is she satisfied! She has seen no one but him when she used to play the field a bit.

 

All this being said: Now when she comes home we talk about the kids on the phone and we never have sex. She said about a month ago that she wanted to take a break from swinging till about Feb and I agreed saying that her playing isn't giving me/us as much of a charge anymore. So we let about 2 or 3 weeks go by and she said "John texted me about meeting, can I go play?" I said "sure" then ribbed her about her request to take a break.

 

Inside I had a knot in my stomach. I'm not sure why and if I should allow her to keep seeing this guy? I want her to be pleasured beyond belief which this guy is delivering in spades but I think I'm jealous of how he can satisfy her beyond what I can, I'm attractive and look younger than my 42 years but I can't hold a torch to this guy, did I mention that he is a lawyer in a large law firm as well?

 

Should I allow her to see this guy more and not be selfish or should I say if she plays the field she should PLAY the FIELD and mix it up a bit?

[lustylearning 705]

Why did you say yes? Why didn't you ask her then what happened to her stance on the lifestyle?

[VegasLee 1,486]

If either of you are uncomfortable about this then you need to stop until you figure out why and if you can overcome what is making you uncomfortable. Really pretty simple.

 

Stop, talk and take a break until and if things are good for both of you.

[slevin 1,374]

If you arent comfortable with what is going on then you need to talk about it with her. This also means you should put the brakes on any outside sexual activity while you sort out how you feel.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I looked at your Swing Lifestyle profile and you state you are taking a break until February.

 

Could it be that he saw this and it has presented a challenge for him that he couldn't pass up? And sure enough, he now believes he's getting what he wants, your wife. Your profile leads with "The Holidays have Killed Our Sexlife!" The "sex machine" may be trying to revive it.

 

You and your wife agreed on a break, and for good reason.

 

I think you should let her know you want to keep to that agreement.

 

LM

[yumyum29a 16]

Wow , all great advice I agree it does seem pretty simple when I finally write it down and look at it. I think I needed little push/direction from the outside, thanks!

The reason I said "yes" to her requests is that I love her so much that to see her that satisfied and happy I can't bring myself to disappoint. Also I'm typically the cool headed one that is always under control and finding my feelings hard to realize. Another reason is my pride, not allowing him to sleep with her is admitting he is better to my wife.

So far it has just been "booty calls" and then he tells her that if she sleeps around with other guys he is to be the first consideration (not including me). She is getting her breasts reworked and augmented and he said after me he is to be the first to try them out. He does give a Bullish vibe. I do wonder how much influence he has over her even if she doesn't realize it. Is that possible?

[slevin 1,374]

Wow , all great advice I agree it does seem pretty simple when I finally write it down and look at it. I think I needed little push/direction from the outside, thanks!

The reason I said "yes" to her requests is that I love her so much that to see her that satisfied and happy I can't bring myself to disappoint. Also I'm typically the cool headed one that is always under control and finding my feelings hard to realize. Another reason is my pride, not allowing him to sleep with her is admitting he is better to my wife.

So far it has just been "booty calls" and then he tells her that if she sleeps around with other guys he is to be the first consideration (not including me). She is getting her breasts reworked and augmented and he said after me he is to be the first to try them out. He does give a Bullish vibe. I do wonder how much influence he has over her even if she doesn't realize it. Is that possible?

 

Yes it is possible. You deciding that you aren't comfortable with her seeing him does not need to mean that he can please her better than you. Perhaps he can, but the situation itself is one that I wouldnt be comfortable with. The type of behaviour that you describe here sets off alarms for me. Any guy that we would bring in would have no say in what we did. If he tried to say things like you described I would not hesitate to cut him off right there. That would end his relationship with us immediately.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Virtually every post giving advice in this forum refers to communication being critical.

 

You have told us about your concerns, now you need to tell your wife. If you have the level of communication I suspect, then it should not be a problem.

[yumyum29a 16]

The wife and I have been together since highschool and ever since then we have always bragged aout the level of our communication, lets face it, without great communication we would never be swingers! Lol That's one of the most bizarre things about this whole situation and has me astonished we and especially I am a great communicator. Never thought would be writing for advice and never thought I would be in a situation like this!

I really am thinking this guy wants to be the bull and religate me to being my wives cuckold. I should say that he has not been disrespectful towards me in front of her. Really she just kills me (and gives me an enormous erection) when she tells me how good he gave it to her. Its like a drug, I want to please her ANDi don't want something messy to happen!

I think I was kind of waiting for this guy to slip up just so I could say " see he's not perfect let's move on."

 

Sorry about all this BS, I feel like a stupid school kid!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

The wife and I have been together since highschool and ever since then we have always bragged aout the level of our communication, lets face it, without great communication we would never be swingers! Lol That's one of the most bizarre things about this whole situation and has me astonished we and especially I am a great communicator. Never thought would be writing for advice and never thought I would be in a situation like this!

I really am thinking this guy wants to be the bull and religate me to being my wives cuckold. I should say that he has not been disrespectful towards me in front of her. Really she just kills me (and gives me an enormous erection) when she tells me how good he gave it to her. Its like a drug, I want to please her ANDi don't want something messy to happen!

I think I was kind of waiting for this guy to slip up just so I could say " see he's not perfect let's move on."

 

Sorry about all this BS, I feel like a stupid school kid!

 

Don't feel stupid, everyone has their moments. But don't wait and hope either. Make it clear to your wife about your concerns.

 

And frankly, not to sound harsh to SM in the LS, but I am not concerned about what they want or think when it comes to my relationship with my wife. I want them to have a good time, but they are there for my wife's pleasure. If they have designs on anything more than being a playmate then they are not welcome, by either of us.

 

If I were you, I would have a conversation with your wife and tell her just what you have told us. She may not even realize that there is any angst on your end.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I think you've received great advice from all. Don't know how much younger than you your wife is, but that could be part of the problem; maybe he makes her feel young again or she relates to him age wise. What concerns me is that sex with you and your wife appears to be on the decline and even non-existent, is that correct? I think you need to demonstrate more confidence in your own abilities to satisfy her sexually. I think you need to be more aggressive with her in and out of the bedroom; you need to do romantic things for her, like candlelite dinners and flowers; buy her little surprises from time to time and for gods sake, take care of her in the bedroom. If she enjoys oral, and who doesn't, give her oral play long and often; it isn't all about penis size. Get creative in the bedroom; pleasure her with toys and don't take each other for granted. You need to find time for each other no matter how hectic or busy your schedules are. Don't use the kids as an excuse. If I was you I'd also spend the time to find a couple you are both comfortable playing with, rather than her playing solo. It appears that she is getting emotionally attached to this guy, which is a natural thing for most women, once she feels it is more than just a booty call for her; it will not be good for you. Most men and probably this guy as well, can just detach themselves emotionally; it's just sex for them. It once happened to me and after that I promised Bob that I could share my body with others, but my heart belonged to him. I think your wife needs to have that mentality as well. Sorry I rambled, Good luck. Tina

[Chicup 41]

I really am thinking this guy wants to be the bull and religate me to being my wives cuckold.

 

Yep and why shouldn't he, thats how you have been acting.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable, be the bull and end it, your wife will get over it. Personally I find it disrespectful that he wanted her to come over when you were on 'break'.

 

I am the key to getting in my wifes pants, (and it goes the other way as well). If he were a swinger mindset he would be sure to make you happy as well. This is just getting off on doing a guys wife.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--Just an observation: Your wife was reluctant to play solo. What were her concerns about the effects on your marriage and have they become realized ? Great sex can be a real drug for the undisciplined and this guy knows exactly what he's doing with her (he's done it with plenty of other women) and she's been reduced to a 'booty call'. I suggest you two stop having sex outside your marriage until things are worked out and this guy needs to be placed on hiatus. That means no texts, emails or phone calls until YOU give him the 'all clear'. It also concerns me that he's setting terms that he's to be her first option. That's a control move and completely inappropriate and this fella is big on control.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Swinging is booty calls.

 

My gosh, if this young stud would be loving her up and getting all "emotionally attached" and treating her like his girlfriend/fiaincee/wife, people would be waving red flags.

 

 

...I really am thinking this guy wants to be the bull and religate me to being my wives cuckold. I should say that he has not been disrespectful towards me in front of her. Really she just kills me (and gives me an enormous erection) when she tells me how good he gave it to her. Its like a drug, I want to please her ANDi don't want something messy to happen!

 

Your wife's playmate is doing what he's been expected to do, making your wife happy, and making you happy. He's playing "stud" just like you've wanted. It turns you on. So much so that your wife being a "hot wife" is like a drug to you.

 

If you pop the pill, shoot it up, or snort it, don't complain too loud about what the result is. You made the choice. This 26 year old guy is not your problem. You are.

 

Decide what's important, you and your wife, or the addictive pleasure of your wife going out to have sex with guys.

 

LM

[it'sso 198]

Better head this off before you become an observer, for ever. The guy drawing up the rules without ever discussing it with you has already put you at the end of the line.

The next thing will be the calls to her without your knowledge so if you wish to save your marriage, NOW is the time to step up and be the BIGGER man regardless of what you have between your legs.

My Opinion Only

[yumyum29a 16]

I think you've received great advice from all. Don't know how much younger than you your wife is, but that could be part of the problem; maybe he makes her feel young again or she relates to him age wise. What concerns me is that sex with you and your wife appears to be on the decline and even non-existent, is that correct? I think you need to demonstrate more confidence in your own abilities to satisfy her sexually. I think you need to be more aggressive with her in and out of the bedroom; you need to do romantic things for her, like candlelite dinners and flowers; buy her little surprises from time to time and for gods sake, take care of her in the bedroom. If she enjoys oral, and who doesn't, give her oral play long and often; it isn't all about penis size. Get creative in the bedroom; pleasure her with toys and don't take each other for granted. You need to find time for each other no matter how hectic or busy your schedules are. Don't use the kids as an excuse. If I was you I'd also spend the time to find a couple you are both comfortable playing with, rather than her playing solo. It appears that she is getting emotionally attached to this guy, which is a natural thing for most women, once she feels it is more than just a booty call for her; it will not be good for you. Most men and probably this guy as well, can just detach themselves emotionally; it's just sex for them. It once happened to me and after that I promised Bob that I could share my body with others, but my heart belonged to him. I think your wife needs to have that mentality as well. Sorry I rambled, Good luck. Tina

 

Not too worried about my performance...sort of...put it this way, I was the quickest gun in these parts until he came along and shot me down. I'm still a good shot but I think my confidence is shot!

in regards to oral, toys and everything in between I think we have done a great job. I like to think I am no run of the mill guy, I know her soul believe me, when she came home one night it shook me to my core seeing her act like that. She has been with plenty of guys and nothing compared that night.

I agree I think this guy can detach himself, he will text her for play time every so often, not an everyday guy also it doesn't appear he is looking for a girlfriend, my wife asks him from time to time and that makes me suspicious as well, but that could of course be me overreacting.

[yumyum29a 16]

Yep and why shouldn't he, thats how you have been acting.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable, be the bull and end it, your wife will get over it. Personally I find it disrespectful that he wanted her to come over when you were on 'break'.

 

I am the key to getting in my wifes pants, (and it goes the other way as well). If he were a swinger mindset he would be sure to make you happy as well. This is just getting off on doing a guys wife.

 

Chicup - wow great points - I typically am the Bull, thinking about it, it really wasn't the guy who shakes me up, at least not directly, it was the reaction she gave me after being with him. Its the small ways she speaks about him and reacts when he text's her for play time. How can such a pretty lil thing do such damage to a grown man's psyche. Love is a bitch! lol

I do find your comment interesting regarding your wifes pants and I do the same, I am the gate keeper and I do demand respect. But that is just it, in my eyes he hasn't been directly disrespectful to me though so I have no "direct" issues and it appears that I have a jealousy issue and my stupid jealousy will get in the way of my wife having some of the best orgasms of her life.

[yumyum29a 16]

Swinging is booty calls.

 

My gosh, if this young stud would be loving her up and getting all "emotionally attached" and treating her like his girlfriend/fiaincee/wife, people would be waving red flags.

 

 

 

Your wife's playmate is doing what he's been expected to do, making your wife happy, and making you happy. He's playing "stud" just like you've wanted. It turns you on. So much so that your wife being a "hot wife" is like a drug to you.

 

If you pop the pill, shoot it up, or snort it, don't complain too loud about what the result is. You made the choice. This 26 year old guy is not your problem. You are.

 

Decide what's important, you and your wife, or the addictive pleasure of your wife going out to have sex with guys.

 

LM

man that is brutally honest!...I love it! and you are right, its probably all me, some paleolithic portion of my brain kicks in jealousy mode and he is doing my wife better than I ever did. But what if it is actually going a more intimate route? Then he is doing more than I asked and crossing the line?

[yumyum29a 16]

Better head this off before you become an observer, for ever. The guy drawing up the rules without ever discussing it with you has already put you at the end of the line.

The next thing will be the calls to her without your knowledge so if you wish to save your marriage, NOW is the time to step up and be the BIGGER man regardless of what you have between your legs.

My Opinion Only

 

Thanks it'sso I appreciate it, I think a combo of your advice with LikeMinds321 will work well. It would be so much cleaner if could just catch him in the act, but we play the cards were dealt.

[slevin 1,374]

man that is brutally honest!...I love it! and you are right, its probably all me, some paleolithic portion of my brain kicks in jealousy mode and he is doing my wife better than I ever did. But what if it is actually going a more intimate route? Then he is doing more than I asked and crossing the line?

 

I don't think LikeMinds was saying to suck it up and deal with it. Not directly anyway. If you are uncomfortable with the way things are right now then you need to take a step back, as a couple, and reassess what you are doing.

[Swing*8701 887]

As far as catching anyone in the act: If there's two men in a room and one farts, they both know who did it.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't know much about hot wifedom, but I think y'all are headed for disaster unless this affair (In my opinion, it's not swinging, it's an affair.) is ended. Unfortunately, it may be too late. It's one thing to tell your wife that you want her to quit seeing the guy. Whether or not she would actually quit seems iffy to me.

 

Alura

[fun4Ds 1,098]

There is a thing we learned about in the beginning of swinging. It's called "veto power". We use it, but we don't abuse it.

 

In this case, you have provided much opportunity. Kudos for that ! I think its time to try your veto power. If Mr playmate doesn't "get it" he's not much of a swinger, now is he ?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

man that is brutally honest!...I love it! and you are right, its probably all me, some paleolithic portion of my brain kicks in jealousy mode and he is doing my wife better than I ever did. But what if it is actually going a more intimate route? Then he is doing more than I asked and crossing the line?

 

From your response to my posts, it sounds like you thought I was addressing the issue of your feeling jealous. That wasn't on my mind at all.

 

I am looking at a bigger picture. I am looking at how you and your wife have structured your approach to swinging and how it's working at this point.

 

I want to talk about John. It seems I have a different take on him than most people who have posted. I don't find the things you've said about him and his behavior to be a problem. For him to say to your wife that he would like to be first in line to touch her newly implanted breasts, or to be top on her list of playmates, seems a natural and innocent statement a man would say--a playful, complimentary flirtation. And as he has been a regular for her, I don't think it disrespectful for him to ask for a play date if he had read your profile tag line (you do say to get in touch), because I think your tag line could be interpreted as a call out for help to get your sex life going again, and an existing playmate may feel he should come to that call. It could be a test also, to see if he could be the one to get you to change your mind about taking a break. I don't find this as behavior that would be radical or rude. He is testing the boudaries of what you and your wife will allow of him. Even in everyday work and life situations people learn what their boundaries are, based on asking for things, challenging things, to see what we can get. It's how we learn where we stand with people. John isn't the real issue I see as the problem. If it isn't John it would eventually be a "Brian, George, or Mark"--any guy down the road to whom you'd loan out your wife.

 

When I hear a story like yours, I feel you have moved beyond using common sense; your thinking is being guided by a nearly addiction-like need for a sexual high you previously got from swinging. You're not getting it anymore, you said so yourself. She comes home from sex with this guy and no longer is interested in hot sex with you.

 

There is a point where giving your spouse what they want in the name of wanting to make them happy, or because you love them so much, doesn't make sense when they, or you, can't see the harm it may be causing. This is what I'm trying to point out. I feel you should be looking at that big picture right now. It is not going to kill you and your wife to say no to swinging with John for a couple months. And if you feel that saying "no" to John (and your wife) would hurt your marriage then you are placing way too much importance in the role swinging plays in your life.

 

I suggest that you think about where you stand with each other, with swinging in the future, and with your hotwife approach.

 

LM

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- I really like what 'Likeminds' wrote. My previous comments were more critical due to my point of view. I was a single woman in the Lifestyle and early on was playing with married couples. For me, their marriage always had to come first. Sex with me as an extension or an enhancement of their own intimacy was foremost with me. If I were asked to do anything that would harm the marriage, I would never do it. So, fair to say that I was perhaps bringing too much of my own point of view to your situation.

[yumyum29a 16]

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't know much about hot wifedom, but I think y'all are headed for disaster unless this affair (In my opinion, it's not swinging, it's an affair.) is ended. Unfortunately, it may be too late. It's one thing to tell your wife that you want her to quit seeing the guy. Whether or not she would actually quit seems iffy to me.

 

Alura

 

Alura in can defiantly identify with your rural witicizm, it's crystal clear and to the point. In regards to hot wifedom their is a space you give and allow the wife to play in. The how's and why's seem to be defined on a case by case basis. Regardless my question is regarding what that boundary is and is it being stretched. (very simply put)

Thanks for the feedback I surely do appreciate it!

[yumyum29a 16]

There is a thing we learned about in the beginning of swinging. It's called "veto power". We use it, but we don't abuse it.

 

In this case, you have provided much opportunity. Kudos for that ! I think its time to try your veto power. If Mr playmate doesn't "get it" he's not much of a swinger, now is he ?

 

Iliac the Veto power your suggesting it's just I'm not sure if the veto is warranted? I love my wife dearly and she is deriving an enormous amount of pleasure from this guy, it does turn me on to see her in this state to no end. So do I invoke that veto based on what is possibly jellous whim and thus making her feel guilty for good and ending all the good will we placed in swinging thus far?

[lizandtom 512]

So far it has just been "booty calls" and then he tells her that if she sleeps around with other guys he is to be the first consideration (not including me). She is getting her breasts reworked and augmented and he said after me he is to be the first to try them out. He does give a Bullish vibe. I do wonder how much influence he has over her even if she doesn't realize it. Is that possible?

 

You are not imagining it. The guy is dominating, your wife is falling for it, and you are now the third wheel to an extent. Grow a pair and tell her that you don't want her to see him anymore because she has grown too attached. It's gone beyond sexual, it's become emotional as well. The longer you go along with it the harder it will be later on.

 

I went through something similar and had to end a tryst my wife was having that went too far. She stopped, and three months later was commending me for seeing the guy as selfish and undeserving, and she couldn't spot it being in the middle of it.

[yumyum29a 16]

Likeminds - it's funny we addressed it the same way, we said exactly that, the drug isn't working anymore we need a stronger dosage that would probably kill us or we need to go cold turkey and try again Feb. We do have a immensely busy social calendar as well as a number of personal and business obligations that I will not mention. This prompted our "break" and our tagline. The tagline was not absolutely literal (but good catch).

 

So what your saying is this time a cigar is just being a cigar and nothing else? I am beginning to agree with you and feel that we should pretty much reinstate our swing break. We wanted it once and should get back on it for our own good.

 

Do you think she should break it to him or I? If I do it it would be a statement that am in control and would send a message. She is VERY submissive and I dont think would be very effective.

 

What are your thoughts?

[yumyum29a 16]

You are not imagining it. The guy is dominating, your wife is falling for it, and you are now the third wheel to an extent. Grow a pair and tell her that you don't want her to see him anymore because she has grown too attached. It's gone beyond sexual, it's become emotional as well. The longer you go along with it the harder it will be later on.

 

I went through something similar and had to end a tryst my wife was having that went too far. She stopped, and three months later was commending me for seeing the guy as selfish and undeserving, and she couldn't spot it being in the middle of it.

 

He is dominating but is sort of passive aggressive nothing has been direct. I do see the beginning of an attachment but I am not sure entirely so do I sink her hundreds of orgasms for my jealousy? She has been with quite a few guys but this guy is a porn star if I am just a jelous knuckle head I will feel terrible.

 

I do need to open up communications and I do need to pull my nutz out of my body cavity and make a move (some sort of move)

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Maybe you are discussing these post with your wife, or maybe she is reading them. But you have gone from taking a break, your wife taking a break from the break, to concern about what was going on, to not wanting to veto the guy, to what appears to be a unilateral decision about reinstating the break and asking who should tell the other guy. In all of this I have not seen you referring to discussing it with your wife.

 

I think it is great to seek out advice and drawing on the experience of others, but the apparent lack of communication here is what concerns me. Am I the only one that is seeing this or am I seeing it completely wrong?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Iliac the Veto power your suggesting it's just I'm not sure if the veto is warranted?

Have you ever used veto before ?

[Gordo 618]

I think Likeminds hit the nail on the head. Especially considering your subsequent post about her being "very submissive". This guy is taking control and she's allowing it. Soon it will be him first sampling any changes and you second or not at all.

 

You seem to have learned the "yes" word extremely well I think it's time to start practising the "no" word.

[desiree 61]

I think there's a lot of emphasis here on the other guy as the bad guy and I think that's the wrong way to approach things. It's not his responsibility to keep your marriage happy and to enforce the rules in your marriage--it's yours and hers. If SHE agreed to take a break with you then it's her responsibility to uphold that, not his. He isn't doing anything to or with her without her consent. If he is asking her to do things that she told you she wouldn't do, then it's her responsibility to say "no" to him.

 

I will also say, having lived this myself, that if she is seeing the same person regularly, by herself, it's a very real possibility that she has developed serious feelings for him. Based on the things you say that sounds exactly like what has happened. She's not a bad person for that--it's just really hard to have great sex with the same person for a long time without getting emotionally attached. Sometimes our feelings do things we didn't intend them to do. People rarely *decide* to fall in love, after all.

 

I'd say you have a couple of options at this point:

 

1. You can accept that she has feelings for this person, and that her relationship with him is no longer *solely* about enhancing your marital sex life. It's something she does for its own sake. There are a lot of people who have open relationships like this, and a lot of groups and discussion forums (Google "polyamory") that can help you navigate into that kind of lifestyle.

 

2. If you cannot tolerate her having an emotional relationship with someone else, you need to ask her to stop seeing him NOW. I know you don't want to hurt her or take away something she enjoys, but whatever hurt she'd feel about losing him now will be far worse down the line when she gets even more attached. Insist on her honoring that break she agreed to, at least until you guys can sort out how to deal with this.

 

That's my two cents, anyway. Good luck!

[it'sso 198]

Desiree has made some good points in her post to you.

Let me add a 3rd suggestion and propose that you find a playmate for YOUR own pleasure and see if your wife may find a better understanding of your dilemma. I know that I have been shot down before for making suggestions such as this, but it would be a good way for you to display to her just how things are becoming between the two of you without your needing to appear to be "depriving" her of her desires.

The old saying applies here:

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I think there's a lot of emphasis here on the other guy as the bad guy and I think that's the wrong way to approach things. It's not his responsibility to keep your marriage happy and to enforce the rules in your marriage--it's yours and hers. If SHE agreed to take a break with you then it's her responsibility to uphold that, not his. He isn't doing anything to or with her without her consent. If he is asking her to do things that she told you she wouldn't do, then it's her responsibility to say "no" to him.

 

I agree. This is what I have been trying to convey, but haven't said it as clearly as desiree has.

 

 

Do you think she should break it to him or I? If I do it it would be a statement that am in control and would send a message. She is VERY submissive and I dont think would be very effective.

You should send your e-mail message together, as a couple. Don't leave room for John to doubt whether you and your wife are in agreement. You are making your decision as couple and it should be presented that way.

 

LM

[slevin 1,374]

I think there's a lot of emphasis here on the other guy as the bad guy and I think that's the wrong way to approach things. It's not his responsibility to keep your marriage happy and to enforce the rules in your marriage--it's yours and hers. If SHE agreed to take a break with you then it's her responsibility to uphold that, not his. He isn't doing anything to or with her without her consent. If he is asking her to do things that she told you she wouldn't do, then it's her responsibility to say "no" to him.

 

It can be her responsibility and still have him being a bad guy. With both of those being true the husband here can also be culpable.

 

It is the husband and wifes responsibility to ensure their marriage comes first. It is the boyfriends responsibility to make sure he abides by the rules as set forth to him.

 

That said I wouldn't count on him actually taking that responsibility seriously. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and if he shows that he won't respect our marriage and rules he'll be gone. I think it sounds like this guy is testing the waters and possibly being disrespectful. That is enough for me. It doesn't take away responsibility from the husband and wife though.

[Alura 2,774]

We had a husband and boyfriend meet here in Tulsa just last night. The boyfriend is dead and the husband is in jail. I suppose the wife is moaning, "Oh, my god! What did I do???"

 

Alura

[yumyum29a 16]

Hi everyone, have not been on here in awhile because of mainly the holiday but also I had to digest all that was being presented to me by the kind people of this board.

So we had our show-down and here is what happened. I decided to stop sniveling and get my butt in gear and my house in order!!!

 

You may not believe this but I have a VERY strong and dominant personality, I am a take charge guy (seriously!) but when it comes to my wife I am a man that is whole-heartedly head over heels in love! After 25 years of being together we still act like teens and I would do anything to allow her to reach the orgasm stratospheres she was hitting.

 

I took stock in all this and decided that the love-based emotional weakness I have for my wife was also the same emotion that is going to allow a serious blow to our relationship.

 

She told me she was going to see him again the following night I never uttered a word about it at first thinking I would just say my peace after her fun but I then bit the bullet and told her that I decided the fact that she was seeing him was fine with me but the fact she broke our promise to play upset me, that I felt a bit betrayed and she was being selfish putting her own pleasure before our own. I then reiterated that he was inconsequential that what bothered me about him is he treated me with what I would term disrespect and she would still have sex with him regardless of that fact. Well after that the water works began and she apologized for being selfish. I then promised her that I would communicate better and she promised to not be selfish. I don't know what you think about it but it was a fantastic breakthrough for us, we held each other for what seemed like hours. It was like I was away for a long time and just came home to her.

 

All this being said that very night her guy IM'd us and I was the only one on at the time he said hi and immediately asked about her. I told him that I needed to chat with him and proceeded to asked him about his intentions with her (other than the carnal type). He reassured me that he had no long-term intentions with my wife outside of the booty-calls he greatly enjoys with her. I then explained to him that I respect his answer and thanks for humoring me but she was about to get naked with me and would be busy till further notice. He "LOL'd" and said to have fun and dropped off. I then spoke with my wife and told her that I had a private conversation with her guy and she of course perked up and prodded at me me for what it was about. I replied in due time. She then called him back without me asking and explained to him without elaborating that she had fun but decided it was time to move-on. According to her he was disappointed but said he understood and wished her well then hung up.

We have since kept to our swinger-celibacy and have kept our profile off the market. However we keep getting emails from LOTS of sexy couples asking to play, I sure hope we can last it!!!!

 

Thanks all, you reassure me that Swingers are the nicest people anyone could meet!! - sorry for the book but I had to write it just for my own sanity.

All the best!!

[Alura 2,774]

Congratulations, YumYum!

 

The nice thing about couple-to-couple swinging is that it provides a level playing field.

 

I wish the best to both of you!

 

Alura

[sogood2gthr 15]

Please at least be aware that you are playing with fire when your wife finds a man that can please her beyond your capabilities! As a woman I am telling you that women tend to bond emotionally! That is NOT to say that women can't enjoy a "sex only" relationship as well as understand the difference! What I am saying is that women seek a man who can completely take care of her....from financial, to physical, to spiritual, to emotional! If she finds such a man, other than you, there is a great possibility that she will "unknowingly" become bonded to him in a way that she has never experienced with you...(you have at least acknowledged that in a physical area) and emotional bonding where a woman is concerned, leads directly to falling in love!

 

As long as you go into this with your eyes wide open, then YOU have to take half the responsibility for the outcome! The ONLY thing (in MY opinion) that makes a couple's relationship with each other sacred...is the physical act of intercourse...aka "making love". You can play with others to spice up your own relationship, but if that one act isn't kept sacred then there is nothing to differentiate you from anyone else!

 

I understand that others may hold a different opinion, and if you are one of those then best wishes to you! As long as you have acknowledged the opinion of another woman who sees smoke...which leads to fire! Hopefully the agreement you two have come to will be the catalyst to ensure a faithful and committed relationship that endures to the end!

 

Best of wishes for the both of you!!!

[yumyum29a 16]

Please at least be aware that you are playing with fire when your wife finds a man that can please her beyond your capabilities! As a woman I am telling you that women tend to bond emotionally! That is NOT to say that women can't enjoy a "sex only" relationship as well as understand the difference! What I am saying is that women seek a man who can completely take care of her....from financial, to physical, to spiritual, to emotional! If she finds such a man, other than you, there is a great possibility that she will "unknowingly" become bonded to him in a way that she has never experienced with you...(you have at least acknowledged that in a physical area) and emotional bonding where a woman is concerned, leads directly to falling in love!

 

As long as you go into this with your eyes wide open, then YOU have to take half the responsibility for the outcome! The ONLY thing (in MY opinion) that makes a couple's relationship with each other sacred...is the physical act of intercourse...aka "making love". You can play with others to spice up your own relationship, but if that one act isn't kept sacred then there is nothing to differentiate you from anyone else!

 

I understand that others may hold a different opinion, and if you are one of those then best wishes to you! As long as you have acknowledged the opinion of another woman who sees smoke...which leads to fire! Hopefully the agreement you two have come to will be the catalyst to ensure a faithful and committed relationship that endures to the end!

 

Best of wishes for the both of you!!!

 

I think we all can benefit from your advice sogood, a man with super sexual powers is one to be watched. Her guy certainly had them in spades, handsome, great body, a very large dick and according to her staying power and stamina you wouldn't believe, to top it off he was also a well to do lawyer and a money...on second thought I think I'LL sleep with him lol.

 

I have to admit that I do feel your opinion is a little biologically slanted. Yes I do believe that this guy had some huge factors that would compel any woman to forget her man, at least for awhile. However what about everything above the waste-line? He may make her panties soak in seconds but I feel that the brain is the largest factor and yes, as corny\cliche' as it sounds where her mind goes her heart follows. One thing I have learned from all this is if someone controls your heart they control you and she definitely had my heart and definitely controlled me. It wasn't until I woke up and realized that it was hurting us that I took control and basically reminded her that I had her heart as well.

I believe that the physical act is only a part of what makes a relationship there are SO many other parts and its the quality of all those parts that make the relationship work. The physical act is only a portion (though important).

 

sogood - It sounds like you have a really great thing going, it sounds like it works well for you, believe me there are many who could learn from your example. Thanks so much for contributing and believe me I will keep it all in mind!

[Chicup 41]

Nicely done Yumyum.

[savcpl912 15]

We had a similar situation. We started as a couple and it has turned into a HotWife senario. Not sure how it came to be but it has. She got so caught up with 1 guy that she was writting love letters. It was hard but it had to be talked and limits made. We ended pulling back some and this one is no longer allowed and she either has 0 or more then 2.