Polyamory relationship between us, our girlfriend, and her husband

[VanHlebar 187]

So I was talking briefly with a friend the other day about this situation and he had asked how things where going. It made me think about this post and I thought when I got time I would come back and update it for what has gone on for the past 5 months or so.

 

It has been a very bumpy road over the past 5 months, no doubt about it. It took probably close to a month for MrsVan to wrap her head around things and during that first month she also actually admitted that she too had romantic feelings for our friend. She finally talked to our friend about these feelings and our GF actually was feeling the same way. After this moment, while we where all really beginning our "poly" journey, MrsVan still really disliked this word and we pretty much agreed that the relationships where what they where but we pretty much stayed away from the word. Splitting hairs, yup but eventually everyone came around and just admitted that this really was what we where all living and are now comfortable with the description of this.

 

Things have progressed very well within our group, but like all relationships we have had a lot of struggles just figuring things out. Over the months we have had a lot of discussion among the group and we all are in this for the long haul. We may have disagreements and some of them have been very major "growing pains" but nobody is willing to throw away the relationships over the issues we have had. So far the good FAR out weighs the bad.

 

I guess we would be in what is considered a poly-fi relationship? We are no longer in the swinging lifestyle as our GF and her husband have never been in the lifestyle and they have no desire to enter it. Our GF has indicated that the thought of us re-entering the lifestyle causes her pain and for the time being MrsVan and I have agreed that we need to concentrate on this relationship and ours solely. We have told our GF that IF we ever decided to re-enter the lifestyle we would discuss this with them first. While they would not be given a veto power to keep us out of it, we would seriously consider and listen to their feelings because we love them dearly and well, that is what we would do with each other, so we feel it is the "right" thing to do with them.

 

MrsVan and I had been going to see a therapist who has experience with poly relationships. It was going great and we where really making great progress, however he had to move suddenly out of state after our last session last week so now we are searching yet again for a therapist in our area.

 

So things in our new group are going wonderful and I am very glad to report that things are doing wonderful for all of us. When things are good, they are great, but unfortunately when things aren't so good, well they can be really bad too.

 

-Van

[VanHlebar 187]

We are still working on dates and things. I have had a couple of dates with our GF alone, one was just a movie date and one was dinner, movie and quality alone time after the movie at home. MrsVan has also had some alone dates with our GF and she actually spent the night with her after one of those dates. Our GF's husband was out of town at that time and I watched the little one for them while they went out. I took her home later and MrsVan was able to stay all night there. She loved it! As for MrsVan and the husband, they have no emotional connection really. They are pretty much swing partners. They both enjoy spending time with each other and enjoy playing together, but neither feels an emotional connection with the other, so they have no desire for dates together.

 

As I said, it is still all a work in progress, only been going now for what about 5mos or so? So we still hit come major bumps in the road but all in all I think we are moving in the right direction. While I still would not say this is the best approach for folks, in the end it is working for us. It just means maybe a lot more work than others? I don't really know for sure on that part because I have nothing to compare it to.

 

-Van

[Guest MrsVan]

The Mrs here,

 

Just wanted to give everyone an update regarding our situation and well, I am sad to say that MrVan and I have split after 12 years together. Between losing our jobs, financial issues and me not being able to handle the Poly relationship with my best friend well, MrVan felt that it was time for him to move on and find someone that has the same values that he is now looking for.

 

He is looking for someone who will be accepting of his relationship with my best friend and while I was trying to work on accepting it, because I had a lot of other things to deal with, this relationship was on the back burner for me. I had lost my sister 6 months ago this past Monday and it has had me pretty depressed and life has just got me down and made me unhappy. I admit I have not been a happy person the past couple of years but a lot has happened in our lives that made it hard to stay positive.

 

It has been a little over a month now since MrVan has left, and while my heart still aches I know that we both must move on. I am not here to bash him in any way but wanted to give everyone an update on how things are going.

 

MrVan is still friends with my best friend and her husband and I am still friends with my best friend as well. This friendship is rocky and difficult right now as we all adjust. There is a lot lost here and I hate that I have lost a big part of my life not only MrVan but the family that we created with my best friend. I was getting comfortable with things but needed to sort other things out and I did not make this a priority and well, it cost me big time.

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, advise and for your ears as we asked for help and advise.

 

I have learned a very valuable lesson (which I should have listened a long time ago)...do not mix friends into the lifestyle if they are not already in it. It can create a LOT of issues for everyone involved.

 

For me, after having a 3rd man hurt me, I am now seeking counseling and help so that I can heal and have some healthy relationships going forward. I am going to work on me and enjoy life to the fullest.

 

MrsVan

[LFM2 1,482]

Mrs. Van...

 

I am so sorry to read your post. You had many unseen forces working against you and your marriage.

 

I really hoped that the poly thing would work with you all. I'm sorry to read that it didn't. I'm pleased to read that you're going to counseling, though. It's worth every penny.

 

Holly

[Guest MrsVan]

So I have had another set back with the situation this past week. On Tuesday, my best friend sends me a text and says "we need to talk and I am not going to do this via text". I had originally had plans Tuesday night but they had not been completely confirmed. So I asked her if she might be able to meet that evening to talk. She said she was not sure and had to ask her husband. In the meantime, waiting to hear from her to see if we were going to get together, my plans that I had previously made had worked out. So I texted her and told her we would just do it on Wednesday as we previously had planned.

 

So I go out that night, and I get an EMAIL from her advising that the situation has caused too much stress on her and her family and she feels that it is best for us to go our separate ways. Because I was having issues with them both being friends, and more so because he was at their house every weekend since we split and she would only find time for me once a week, I was feeling like she was not there for me. I think anyone in my shoes would have felt the same. So she has ended her friendship with me to keep her relationship with MrVan.

 

It is so hard to believe. We had a great friendship and today is a day we would celebrate together and now I do not have her here. I am so frustrated with myself for this entire situation. I feel like I was being played or used by them both to get to each other. She is not happy in her marriage and has told us this numerous times but says she will never leave her husband. I tried to warn him to watch his back cause he could be next. And I meant that. He does not see it, he refuses to see it, and did not want to see it the entire time we all tried to allow this to go on. It is a very sad situation.

 

I do not know if anyone here has had any similar experience but any advise on how to get through this would be appreciated. I have now lost 3 people I love within 6 months and this really has me down.

 

MrsVan

[slevin 1,374]

I haven't had a similar experience and I can only imagine how tough it must be going through that. I think given the circumstances it was always going to be extremely tough for you and her to remain close. At best it was going to strain your relationship and change it. At worst it would end it. For now it has gotten too tough for her and I do understand that to a degree. We've been friends with people who've gotten divorced and the only times we've been able to remain friends with both of them is when they both left us out of their relationship. That was nearly impossible here given MrVan's ongoing relationship with her, and if you were struggling with their relationship it would only add to the situation.

 

For your mental health I think this is a good thing, even though it sucks losing a close friend like that. I would definitely encourage you to find a professional to talk to about everything going on in your life. You need an outlet for all of this, someone who can help you wrap your head around it, figure things out and come out of this in a healthy mental state.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I know it's painful to lose so much in so short a time. There's no fixing that. All you can do is keep walking forward.

 

Your friend's decision to sever the friendship is painful to you. It's most likely painful to her. If I might add, it might be a very good decision overall. The situation is obviously very complex. She's right; it's inducing a lot of stress. Reducing the amount of factors in the situation helps reduce that stress. Obviously it's no picnic for you. But, in the long run this might be the best thing for you as well.

 

Also, your kids are in this mix too, even if tangential. The happier and healthier you are, the better for them.

[Guest MrsVan]

My warning was after she cut ties with me. I can see this coming and I pray that he sees it before it is too late. I know how she feels in her marriage and I also know how both her and MrVan feel about each other. They say it won't happen but I think it will. Just give it time.

 

As for him spending time at their house. He does it alone with her and also with them both. I don't know what goes on inside the house but I have been in the house when the two have been together. So I am sure I can figure it out.

 

MrsVan

[Guest MrsVan]

 

For your mental health I think this is a good thing, even though it sucks losing a close friend like that. I would definitely encourage you to find a professional to talk to about everything going on in your life. You need an outlet for all of this, someone who can help you wrap your head around it, figure things out and come out of this in a healthy mental state.

 

Slevin,

 

I actually have started seeing a professional. He is the 3rd man in my life who has hurt me and I need to find a way to heal from all of the pain I have been through. I have to start focusing on ME and my girls. I know that this will be the best thing for me and hopefully I will be able to have healthy relationships in the future.

 

MrsVan

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I hate to hear this for your sake MrsVan, but I am not very surprised. In your previous thread, as I mentioned, you two seemed to be on different paths.

 

I am sure warning him did no good, but I understand your reasoning for doing so. He, his wife and MrV seem to be on a path that will not end well for someone, unfortunately, almost certainly, not well for the children involved.

 

Advice in a situation like this is difficult to give. But something that I learned early in life is when tragedy hits you there is almost always someone around that is willing and able to help lift you up. Sometimes we don't even realize they are there until much later.

[Guest MrsVan]

I hate to hear this for your sake MrsVan, but I am not very surprised. In your previous thread, as I mentioned, you two seemed to be on different paths.

 

I am sure warning him did no good, but I understand your reasoning for doing so. He, his wife and MrV seem to be on a path that will not end well for someone, unfortunately, almost certainly, not well for the children involved.

 

Advice in a situation like this is difficult to give. But something that I learned early in life is when tragedy hits you there is almost always someone around that is willing and able to help lift you up. Sometimes we don't even realize they are there until much later.

 

And you are very right. I found out I had A LOT of friends and support that I did not know existed. I have a great group of ladies that keep me busy, check on me daily and invite me out to have a good time or chill and watch movies. It is amazing. Here I thought I knew who would be there for me but she turned against me. Her loss. She will regret this decision down the road.

 

MrsVan

[MN Tom 251]

Wow, that is a lot of stuff to go through.

 

Really surprised about your friend, I wouldn't have expected that either, although after coming across a rocky poly relationship this weekend (some people we know in the lifestyle) I have seen that it can be quite challenging at times.

 

Hope your life improves for the better

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

First of all, I'm so very sorry this happened to both of you. It seems so complex, with all the external forces at play (job loss, finances, death in the family, etc.)

 

However, I get the impression that even if Mr. & Mrs. Van didn't introduce their friends to the LS, that Mr. Van may have STILL fallen in love with her best friend and left. It would have just taken more time. The LS may have just acted as a catalyst and helped things develop faster. I could be barking up the wrong tree here, but in reading between the lines it is not that hard to see.

 

Mrs. Van -- I would suggest getting some therapy like you've been doing, for as long as it takes. Also consider taking an anti-depressant. Cymbalta is very good. There is no generic version so it tends to be pricey. Your primary care physician can help you choose the right one. Ask for samples; they will usually give you a 30-day supply.