How would you all have handled this bad experience?

[hardrockers70 16]

As you remember, we are the ones who had extensive phone conversations with male half of other couple. We met/played with them this past weekend...if you can call what we did "played" at all. I will try to be brief, but I'm just so flustered over the whole thing and I think I handled it badly.

 

History: This is only second couple my hubby and I have played with, our first couple who are also regulars with us, had been in the LS a very long time and were very experienced yet not pushy, and we have grown to love and appreciate them, esp. after our recent fiasco.

 

So we met up for dinner, then back to a motel for drinks and to see how everyone clicked. In our ad on the other site, I made no bones about my size, I am big, not huge, but definitely overweight. Other female was heavy as well, but more curvy, whereas I stick out a bit in the belly. My hubby and I were both very attracted to her, him not so much, but he wasn't bad looking either. Other female and my hubby flirted a lot at dinner, I was literally quivering with anticipation of what was to come.

 

We go back to motel room to play cards, have a few drinks, then go from there. We're all feeling pretty good and as I am an exhibitionist, I am the first to lose my clothes. Other male exclaims to me: "Damn, girl, you look 9 months pregnant" I know my belly is probably my worst feature, so I laugh at him and agree. Later I get up to fix myself another drink and then he says "your ass is huge and your thighs are really wide" and this time I am getting insulted so I give him a dirty look and bang my bottle down on the table. Other female says something to him and then he tells me that I'm taking it all wrong. WTH???

 

Then, other female, who has some health problems, says she isn't feeling well and my hubby and I look at each other, the flirting stopped after dinner, and it was clear she really wasn't into this at all. So I got up and got dressed, thinking we would just be friends and continue the cards or even suggest turning in for the night. Other male immediately starts telling me to undress again, that other female's illness would resolve after a few more drinks. My hubby and I exchange looks again, but I sit there with my shirt on. Other female says she has to pee, and goes into bathroom with other male trailing her. My hubby and I decide to somehow tell them politely that we aren't into this as we aren't pushy people and think other female is uncomfortable.

 

They come back into the room and they start undressing. Other male motions to me and hubby so we undress and lay on the bed and make out, thinking maybe they will join us but no swapping, we are into each other and are hot by this time and ready to just go at it, just the 2 of us. So we start in and other gal again says she isn't feeling well but other male is begging her by this time. My hubby gets really mad and excuses himself to the bathroom, I follow and am quite upset myself. We don't play separately but other male is hollering for me, my hubby tells me to just go out there and fondle a bit but that is it. I go out there and other male grabs my head and pushes me down into her vagina and is moving my head up and down, which is NOT the way I do things. Then he whirls me around and shoves 3 fingers up into my vagina, badly injuring my cervix. I try to squirm away with tears streaming down my face and asked him to please stop, he snaps at me that he knows what he is doing, and that is it.

 

I go into bathroom with my hubby crying and bleeding too. My hubby is irate at this point, not at me, but at other male and we stay in the bathroom all the rest of the time. They get done and say they are going back to their own room. We are very relieved...polite the next morning but have no plans to communicate or anything with them again. Then other male starts texting me, I do not respond.

 

What should we have done differently? Hubby and I talked and we have decided to continue only with our regular couple...which is sad because I'm sure there are others out there that aren't like this new couple, but now we feel we have been badly burned. Help!

 

Mrs. HR

[slevin 1,374]

Personally I think this is a case where you need to follow your gut. Early on your gut was telling you this probably wasn't working out and that it was time to end it. This is a good experience to learn to follow your gut. My wife and I have had an experience that reinforced that for us too.

 

Personally, I would have ended things as soon as he insulted you the first time. Even if he was joking, that is rude and insensitive. I wouldn't hesitate to tell my wife we were leaving if someone ever spoke to either of us that way.

 

No need to beat yourself up about it or anything. Chalk it up to a learning experience and agree to follow your gut in the future.

[hardrockers70 16]

Slevin: Thank you much for your insight! When I was swinging as a single, I enountered a similar situation and stood up for myself and left. It has been years since I was a single though, lol...and things may have changed a bit. Should I have said something like: "I don't appreciate your comments (about my size) and if all feelings are not taken into consideration, then this may be over" or something like that? Then, when I felt the least bit pressured should I have said: "We are not comfortable with this and feel like calling it a night" or something along those lines?

 

Mrs. HR

[slevin 1,374]

Slevin: Thank you much for your insight! When I was swinging as a single, I enountered a similar situation and stood up for myself and left. It has been years since I was a single though, lol...and things may have changed a bit. Should I have said something like: "I don't appreciate your comments (about my size) and if all feelings are not taken into consideration, then this may be over" or something like that? Then, when I felt the least bit pressured should I have said: "We are not comfortable with this and feel like calling it a night" or something along those lines?

 

Mrs. HR

 

If you didn't feel like leaving after the first comment then I think something along the lines of your comment are ok. I likely would have just left, but if I was going to say something it would be similar to:

 

"I am sure you were just trying to be funny, but I didn't appreciate that"

 

After that whether we stuck around would be determined by their reaction. I prefer to not verbalize what I am going to do by saying if they can't be respectful we'll leave. I'd rather give them the chance to be respectful then act on whatever they do. If they are respectful we'd stay, if not we'd leave. That is just how I'd handle it though, how you worded it is definitely fine as well.

 

When we decided to leave I wouldn't bother telling them why. I'd just tell them we felt it was time to go. If they press I'd say that we just didn't feel the chemistry now that we are in the moment. If they still pressed I'm not sure what I'd say. My basic approach in those kind of situations isn't to be truthful or to get a feeling of satisfaction. It's to get out of there quickly and without friction/drama. My goal is to leave, not to confront.

[exploringRM 305]

First, not all couples are like the ones you met. Not much help at this point, but remember that you have no obligations to any couple that you have met. If you are uncomfortable for any reason then it is time to put the brakes on. It's an uncomfortable situation to be in, but then again so was the end result.

[Alura 2,773]

This is a lot more than an uncomfortable situation. It involved force and physical injury. That's a crime. Mr. Playmate should be prosecuted at least for assault, if not for rape.

 

Unfortunately, as swingers, most of us have something to hide so that's not likely to happen. Since it's also illegal to beat the living shit out of the asshole, I fear y'all did the only thing that could be done.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Not to sound harsh, but as to the question of what you should have done differently, I would have to say about everything. As others have said though, best not to dwell on it, just learn from your mistakes and move on. I'll admit that's easier said than done though.

 

How you reacted to the first comment is I guess up to the individual, some women would be furious, some would be reduced to tears, and some may just laugh if they thought it was intended as a poor joke. Despite how their personality may have caused them to outwardly react to such a comment, I think nearly all would have had immediate serious doubts about what kind of partner this guy was going to be and would have halted the whole thing right there and made a quick exit.

 

When the second comments removed any doubt what this guy was all about, time to get the hell out. Add on top of that the other wife not feeling well, why would you want to stay? For me, swinging is about everyone having a good time, and if any one of the four seems like they are not going to, then I am done. It just doesn't work if everyone involved aren't into it.

 

Now for my biggest concern. After all that had transpired, why in the hell would your husband send you out there and why would you do it? By your own admission, you and your husband are both upset, the other wife is not feeling well or whatever, and the only person who seems to be ok with all of this is the other guy who has already made abundantly clear that he is a total ass.

 

No one should be "telling" anyone to do anything in swinging. Until you get that part worked out, then it may be time to take a break until you can learn to swing together by always putting your spouse's needs first on your list, and not what may be first on your list. I just can't imagine me telling the Mrs. to go out and continue with what is already a bad situation. Sometimes things may not going not terrible but not as well as hoped either, and we will communicate about it and decide together what to do. But, for one spouse to try to keep the other involved in something that has already turned into a train wreck, that's something else entirely.

 

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, the hardest part for me to get over would be the feeling that your husband doesn't have your back no matter what happens. Just reading the words as you have written them, over your objections and his own misgivings, he kept you involved in a bad situation that turned out to be dangerous and could have turned truly ugly. If we ever lost that feeling of security that each gives the other, I don't think I would be interested in swinging any more.

[Gordo 618]

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, the hardest part for me to get over would be the feeling that your husband doesn't have your back no matter what happens.

 

That's what gets me too. Hiding in the bathroom while sending his wife back out to placate an obvious asshole. I'm guessing he was too scared to stand up to the other male.

 

Not a good recipe for future events.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

hardrockers70 said:

 

As you remember, we are the ones who had extensive phone conversations with male half of other couple.

Here is that thread:

 

Do both spouses talk to both other spouses before playdates?

 

Other posts have already expressed my reaction to this situation. But I want to reiterate what I said in that other thread, because I feel it was your first mistake, among many, that you both made.

 

LikeMinds321 said:

 

...And you are right about spouses often being different in how outgoing they are (both in person and over the phone) so I would suggest not spending time over the phone with people you've never met. I think doing so puts pressure on you to play with them when you meet, and when you meet you may discover you all aren't connecting in person as you may have through e-mail/phone.

I believe you made the decision to continue with this couple because you had already developed a feeling of commitment to play with this couple after spending so much time in phone calls.

 

It can be dangerous to give too much of yourselves to people prior to meeting them. A false sense of bonding can occur that can have horrible consequences. There is a point where being nice and trying to keep things going can place you in danger, leave you at odds with yourself, and result in feeling awful about what you allowed to happen.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Red flags were all over this before things got very far. Mistakes were made by both of you, and you both need to learn to stand up and leave, and be able to recognize a bad situation for what it is.

 

I was shocked by the other husband's comment about his wife having medical issues that could be solved with drinking? Wow. Any 'problem' that can be solved with drinking in swinging is a major, major red flag the size of Mt. Everest. I would have walked out, right then and there.

 

My wife and I have a parachute rule; if either one of us ever wants to leave, we leave. No questions, no objections, no resistance, we leave. We'll discuss it when we're away form the situation. Your husband should have pulled the plug, and so should you.

 

There are many threads here on this board that show common mistakes to avoid, and stupid things to avoid. Have a look at Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes and Top 10 Stupid Things to Do in Swinging for starters.

 

I agree that what this other guy did was criminal. I would never contact them again, even to say "no thanks".

 

With all that said, understand that such situations in swinging are rare. You ran into a bad situation. It's uncommon. Learn from it, be prepared to pull the plug in the future. You made some mistakes, but you are not a bad person for making them. Also, cplnuswing is right. You need to have the comfort of knowing your husband's got your back. I would never allow a disrespectful man to touch my wife.

[hardrockers70 16]

Thank you everyone for responding. I talked to my hubby last night and cried too, saying everything I'd done was a bad choice, a terrible mistake. He consoled me and told me it was not all my fault, that he felt awkward and wasn't sure how to handle things either.

 

We had a big heart to heart. Hubby says while he likes to get to know people prior to playing, he said this couple, even on the phone, caused him to feel uncomfortable. We will not make that mistake again. We are very comfortable with our regulars and hubby says we can continue with them but he will need time, and I think I will too, before meeting anyone new.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

Mrs. HR

[LagniappeDC 313]

Good for the both of you for working through this bad experience. I couldn't possibly add any more to the incredible advice that has been given. Just remember, talk, talk, talk, and talk some more.

 

What I will add is that there are some truly awesome couples out there just waiting for you to meet them. It's too bad you had this happen, but know that that is the very rare exception and not the norm.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

One of our few rules is we are both 100% in or we are both 100% out. If there is ever a concern about our potential playmates by either of us we put on the breaks. Thanks, it been nice meeting you, but this is not happening. When your H had concerns about the phone conversation you should have at the very least slowed down and re-evaluated the other couple.

 

At the point the other male insulted you, party over. There is zero excuse for being rude, even if it is meant to be funny.

 

And certainly when you two were regrouping in the bathroom it should have been over.

 

I can only imagine my reaction (or my wife's for that matter) if he had physically man handled her.

 

Some guideline advice.

 

If you are ever uncertain, like on the phone conversation, talk about it and slow down until you are both 100% comfortable.

 

Neither of us are comfortable if the other party is insulting or rude to either of us. If you insult, disrespect or mistreat my wife that is far worse than doing the same to me. Game over.

 

Never be afraid, concerned or hesitant to stand up for yourself and end it on the spot it things are going wrong. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[swing.kidz 367]

Not to sound like an uncivilized jerk, but I couldn't imagine if some prick acted like that towards my wife. It would take all that was in me to not beat the hell out of him. I could feel my blood beginning to boil just from reading your post...oh man.

[Alura 2,773]

Quote

 

Mrs. H.R. wrote:

 

I go into bathroom with my hubby crying and bleeding too.

 

 

It's the bleeding part that set me off. Before that he was only a supreme drunken asshole. After that he was a criminal and deserved whatever he might have gotten. Unfortunately, telling that to a judge would have been difficult at best.

 

I think the reason the Hardrockers didn't leave is that this took place in their own room. Did I read this wrong?

[sweet_tna 680]

I am sooo sorry this happened to ya'll, and I hope after reading the others' responses here you know that situations like this are NOT the norm. And kudos to you for talking it out and working through it.

 

While you now know to follow your instincts and pull the plug on anything, no matter how small that makes you uncomfortable, I can understand how, as newbies, you might've felt intimidated--especially as this occurred in your hotel room. It's not as easy to make an exit in that situation.

 

I hope that man gets his nuts caught in a bear trap someday and that ya'll have a much better experience the next time around.

 

(Hugs)

[PB&J 1,086]

My hubby gets really mad and excuses himself to the bathroom, I follow and am quite upset myself. We don't play separately but other male is hollering for me, my hubby tells me to just go out there and fondle a bit!! but that is it.

 

I talked to my hubby last night and cried too, saying everything I'd done was a bad choice, a terrible mistake. He consoled me and told me it was not all my fault, that he felt awkward and wasn't sure how to handle things either.

 

I think that you are taking too much of this blame upon yourself. Your husband, knowing this guy was a major-league asshole, sent you out there WITHOUT HIM. In a situation like this I, the wife, would expect my husband to tell me to stand aside and let him deal with the situation without using me.

 

No, situations like this are not common. But if you can't trust your husband to act like a man in a situation like this, or even take more responsibility after the fact, you need to take a step back and be more clear about what you can expect from him in terms of protection from jerks like this without having to do it all yourself. (fondling him to keep him him happy? WTF??)

 

Hey, I'm a feminist. But in a case like this, unless you are willing to man up and knee this jerk in the balls (and some women would be able to pull that off, not me), you need your husband to do what's necessary, even if that's just telling jerk and wife in no uncertain terms to get the hell out of your room.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. But I am trying to imagine my husband doing this to me, and my brain literally cannot handle it.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think the reason the Hardrockers didn't leave is that this took place in their own room. Did I read this wrong?

 

I don't think you read it wrong. Nevertheless, I would have collected our things and left if they wouldn't leave after being asked. Alternatively, I would have called the front desk to send security or the police to have the people removed from the room.

[sweet_tna 680]

I don't think you read it wrong. Nevertheless, I would have collected our things and left if they wouldn't leave after being asked. Alternatively, I would have called the front desk to send security or the police to have the people removed from the room.

 

Absolutely!

[exploringRM 305]

In your later response you mentioned that your husband was uncomfortable even on the phone. Learn to heed that feeling and just do not move forward when that occurs. if it does not feel right, it's not going to be right.

[hardrockers70 16]

Yes, they were in our room. Today, earlier, I felt a stabbing pain in my cervix/pelvis and a big bloody chunk of something came out of me. I am going to have to make an emergency appt. with my GYN tomorrow, I think it may actually be a piece of cervical tissue. When he shoved his fingers in me, it felt like his nails were scraping my cervix. Now I'm worried that real damage may have been done.

 

In all honesty, I think we will take a break from all this and re-evaluate everything...although we have both said we won't turn down a playdate with our regulars. Sigh.

 

Mrs. HR

[DocWill 83]

The bottom line here is that what happened was nothing short of a crime. After you said "no" and the guy continued anyway... the law had been broken. Group sex is not a crime, but Sexual misconduct is. Had I been there that guy would have woken up with less teeth in his mouth.

 

This is exactly why we pick our playmates from other's experiences, or because we already know them well enough to want to get naked with them.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Yes, they were in our room. Today, earlier, I felt a stabbing pain in my cervix/pelvis and a big bloody chunk of something came out of me. I am going to have to make an emergency appt. with my GYN tomorrow, I think it may actually be a piece of cervical tissue. When he shoved his fingers in me, it felt like his nails were scraping my cervix. Now I'm worried that real damage may have been done.

 

In all honesty, I think we will take a break from all this and re-evaluate everything...although we have both said we won't turn down a playdate with our regulars. Sigh.

 

Mrs. HR

 

I sincerely hope nothing serious is revealed in your appointment and that you are quickly on the mend.

 

I would add to please do not attribute to swinging what must be attributed to a criminal, and criminal act. The situation you encountered is very, very rare. With the knowledge you now have in hand, I very seriously doubt such a situation would ever evolve again with the two of you in it.

[Learning 160]

Goodness...I just want to give you a big hug. Your whole experience was a nightmare. I too agree that you are bearing the burden of what happened. This man not only was trying to emotionally hurt you but also physically. Listen to your gut. Your hubby has to also communicate too this is a very rare experience and it will only make you wiser. There are so many great couples out there. Slow down and work on that communication with your spouse.

[MN Tom 251]

I hope all is well and your recovery is quick and painless.

 

I had my wife read this one too, and her reaction was pretty much what I would expect. She was amazed that your husband or yourself managed to make it out of there without committing a violent crime yourselves.

[sweet2eat30 17]

That's what gets me too. Hiding in the bathroom while sending his wife back out to placate an obvious asshole. I'm guessing he was too scared to stand up to the other male.

 

Not a good recipe for future events.

 

That was my first thought. He should have asked them to leave when it was obvious that you were upset

[savcpl912 15]

Rules are rules and no is no.. Everyone has to agree to the rules and if not then all stops. Not sure if I would have stayed in the bathroom or went to the bar till they got out. Hard to judge the dynamics of the situation when you are not in the line of it.

[hardrockers70 16]

Update: Other male texted me today and asked me if we would ever play again...I politely told him no. I very honestly said that I felt we didn't mesh well together and basically told him to move on.

 

It was a learning experience, and other than our regs, we have to take a sabbatical for hubs' mother's health issues. Although, hubs said the other night that we shouldn't let this couple ruin other couples for us. I was really glad he said that, as I felt the same way basically; just knowing we are on the same page about it and all.

 

I have shared with him what was advised here and other situations I've read about on here; I really like this forum!

 

Mrs. HR

[MN Tom 251]

hardrockers70 said:

Update: Other male texted me today and asked me if we would ever play again...I politely told him no. I very honestly said that I felt we didn't mesh well together and basically told him to move on.

 

It was a learning experience, and other than our regs, we have to take a sabbatical for hubs' mother's health issues. Although, hubs said the other night that we shouldn't let this couple ruin other couples for us. I was really glad he said that, as I felt the same way basically; just knowing we are on the same page about it and all.

 

I have shared with him what was advised here and other situations I've read about on here; I really like this forum!

 

Mrs. HR

 

Umm, that guy is completely blind and/or he is completely tasteless. How could he not figure out that it went very poorly the last time?

 

Anyway, great job handling the text. Hopefully he gets the idea and vanishes.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Thanks for the update Mrs. HR!

 

I presume your health appointment turned out ok? If so, very glad to hear it!

 

Also glad to hear that you and your husband aren't letting this experience ruin things for you.

 

Hope your mother in law's health issues resolve well!