Seeing your man with another woman

[kk5569420 15]

This is my biggest fear from woman to woman, what is it like to see and hear your man with another woman? Our marriage is great and sex life is amazing, communication is great between us and just nervous on what to do when we do decide to take part in lifestyle, what I will feel, just ANY advice in this lifestyle will be great.

 

thank you

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

(Hope you don't mind a man butting in with some input)

 

Your concern is a common one, and very valid. How will you feel seeing your wife pleasuring another woman, and another woman pleasuring him? It can be frightening. What if you're upset by it? What happens? It's uncertain territory.

 

My wife and I were concerned about the very same issue. It turned out to be a non-issue. But, for us, we decided that after we'd talked about it for a long time, and felt we'd answered our questions as best we could, eventually moving forward made the most sense. We created a rule, and still have the rule though it's never been used, that we call the parachute clause. If either of us wants to leave, we leave. Period. No questions asked, no objections, we both get up and leave. We'll talk about it later, but at that moment we leave. It empowers both of us to be able to pull the plug if either of us is not comfortable. In such situations we (and you in your notional situation) owe nothing to anyone but yourselves. If you're not happy about it, leave.

 

Also, there's nothing that says you have to dive in from the ten meter board the first time you do something swing related. You can dip your foot in the pool. If you've had lots of conversations about swinging, and can discuss it outside of the bedroom while doing mundane things (a reasonable metric for seeing if it's just fantasy or not), you both have your questions answered in as much as you think you can answer them, you trust each other, you communicate well, you love each other very much, then dipping the toe probably won't be a bad idea.

 

You can go to a swinger club and just check out the scene. Maybe watch other people having sex, or just soaking up the atmosphere. Go home, discuss, and see where you are. There's no race here, and going slow isn't a bad idea.

 

Also, there's been a poll about this subject that asked both men and women if they were aroused by their partner having sex with someone else. Just 10% of women said it bothers them a bit. Now, that's kind of self selective; for swingers where one or the other spouse is bothered by seeing their partner having sex with someone else, it's very likely they're not swinging anymore. But, it does show that quite a lot of women are aroused by their husbands having sex with other women. Poll: Are you aroused by your partner having sex with someone else? - View Poll Results

[sweet_tna 680]

It's a common and valid question, and this is a great place to ask. I didn't really have that worry because I was my hubby's first lover and wanted him to have the chance to experience sex with another woman. I found that what turned me on wasn't so much seeing him with her, but hearing her noises and knowing he was pleasing her. After all, I know how good what he's doing feels to me.

 

If you already have good communication with your husband, you're on the right track. It is SO important to be able to discuss anything you're thinking and/or feeling with your partner. If thoughts of having sex with others (or in front of others, or watching others) turns you on, then by all means consider exploring the lifestyle a bit further. Talk about what things excite you and what doesn't. Talk about how you think you'll feel about having sex with others and seeing each other do the same. Talk about what guidelines or rules you think you should have to keep each of you and your marriage safe. Peruse this site, read any forums that interest you, and talk some more.

 

When/if you feel your ready, you can try going to a club or a meet and greet . . . Just see what's out there, and observe. Or you could jump in feet first (like Mr. Sweet and I did)!

 

Either way, just proceed at whatever pace you're both comfortable, and have FUN.

 

=)

[Brian and Jo 344]

Like many women Jo was quite worried about how she would react the first time she saw Brian with another woman. Would she be jealous? Would he like the other woman more than he liked her? Would she be upset when she realised how much they were enjoying each other? How would she react when they had orgasms? This was over 30 years ago. As it turned out her fears were completely unfounded. Watching Brian mount another woman and slide his cock inside her was an incredibly erotic and exciting moment for Jo. She was transfixed as she watched Brian thrusting in and out of her pussy and she could not believe the look on Brian's face when he was cumming. Since then of course Jo has watched Brian with many other women (and vice versa of course) and never tires of it. It is as much a turn on for her now as it was all those years ago.

[swmnkdinthervr 52]

We both revel in watching the pleasure our partner is having, what a wonderful gift to be able to bestow to the person you love!!! Neither of us can quite comprehend anyone not wanting their partner to have the ultimate in sensual/sexual experience and pleasure!!!

 

The "lifestyle" has only strengthened the bond we have, adding to the respect, trust and security in our relationship. Jealousy and insecurity are wasted emotions that have no place in a healthy relationship, let alone the lifestyle. Separating sex from love and good communication go a long way towards banishing those fears!

[JM153 346]

bbarnsworth said:

(Hope you don't mind a man butting in with some input)

 

Your concern is a common one, and very valid. How will you feel seeing your wife pleasuring another woman, and another woman pleasuring him? It can be frightening. What if you're upset by it? What happens? It's uncertain territory.

 

Another male here. I totally agree with barn. In our case she was sure she would be OK and I thought I probably would, but the truth is you never know until you experience it. So, once you have talked about your concerns and reach the decision that you will go ahead and try it - then do so. But, since you may find that you can't stand the site or sound or thought or the partner or whatever put a stop to it. So do work out a code that means STOP RIGHT NOW and agree to do so with no repercussions or judgments. That way if you find yourself jealous or angry you can end it. Afterward you can evaluate what, why, and whether to try this again. Good luck and be sure and let us know what you do and how it works out.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Funny thing is I think it's almost better to not get so wrapped up in watching your partner. It doesn't bother me to see my hubby with someone else, but I don't get into watching it either. In past relationships I've had guys who were too into watching me with someone else, to the point that they ignored the person they should have been focused on.

 

Everyone has their own things. If you don't want to play in the same room, don't. If he doesn't get into watching you with someone else, he doesn't have to watch. Just go with what you feel is going to make both of you the most comfortable.

[MN Tom 251]

We agree, you don't have to jump all the way in from the get go if you aren't ready.

 

Have you seen your guy kiss another woman? If not, that could be a nice first step. How about touch another woman in a sexual manner?

 

This was definitely a concern for mrs tom when we first started, but it turned out to be not a big deal. At this point mrs tom isn't turned on by seeing myself with another woman, she's not turned off either. It's just there.

Which honestly isn't too different from how I view seeing mrs tom with another guy.

I went into this with the opposite thought, I thought that I would be highly turned on seeing her with another guy, and at this point I like it, it's not that stimulating to me though. Instead, I have discovered that I vastly prefer to see my wife's face and hear her describe the event afterwards.

 

During playtime Im way more concerned with my own partner.

[NaturistWife 16]

I don't usually pay that much attention even though we're just a few feet apart - I like to concentrate on my partner. I've always thought that watching your spouse is kind of a "man" thing anyway. I do watch a little while we're warming up, and I tend to be a little bit critical, because I'm thinking things like "Touch her a little higher," or "Kiss her tummy a little." But I keep it to myself!

[hardrockers70 16]

One of the reasons I led Mr. HR into this LS was because I was very turned on at the thought of seeing him with other women. He wasn't so sure however, until our first playdate. We played some games and I dared him often to do things to other wifey, such as kiss her long and passionately, suck on her breasts, rub up against her, etc. As it turned out, Mr. HR was equally turned on, he says, by me watching. Our first playdate ended up not so great for me, because it was my time of the month, so other hubs had to do his own wife, which he didn't seem to mind of course, but I was so into watching Mr. HR I don't think I paid much attention.

 

So now, of course, Mr. HR prefers we meet other couples as opposed to a SF, but I'm thinking maybe seeking out a few SF's because my ongoing fantasy is seeing him with others.

[couplers 4,568]

Quite frankly, don't be surprised if it hurts, and don't be surprised when you can't wait to do it again. And that feeling for me hasn't gone away. For me just knowing, or more intensely when watching my husband and another woman enjoying each other sexually is simultaneously crushing and exhilarating. Like a good work out where your legs or whole body hurts as you push to the end, but you're so glad you did. Or a thrill ride that scares you shitless, even though you know it's safe, and you want to do it again. And not only do I enjoy watching the act itself, there's the afterplay of licking her pussy or taking his gooey, limp dick in my mouth that makes me fell both used and, since all done at my instigation, sexually dominant. And the follow up sex with hubby is incredible.

 

This behavior and type of relationship is not part of my upbringing or background. I used to be the typical jealous woman. Now all of this makes me I feel like I am spitting in the green eye of the monster. Emotionally you will get bumped around a little, but in the sane, quiet moments removed from it you realize there is no harm done and much gained. Similar to the realization after my first orgasm masturbating as a girl that I hadn't broken anything and it felt good. The adventure of sharing my spouse is without a doubt the most thrilling thing I have ever done.

 

P.S. We don't have and never had an "escape" phrase or signal. I didn't want it. I want to be strapped in for the ride and not have the option of bailing out. Strange that I like the control of setting it up, but also the thrill of not being able to control where it went. No regrets.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I agree with couplers. The first time I saw Bob pleasuring another woman, from going down on her to intercourse was extremely difficult for me emotionally. As I've mentioned before Bob is very talented in the oral department and he likes both vaginal and anal play. To watch him do that so naturally and to witness the pleasure being received took me some time to overcome, but I now pay little attention to what he is doing and focus my attention and direction of my partner to what I want him to do to me.

[VikingGirl 15]

Great thread, this has been my biggest concern too, I'm even trying to picture it in my head just to kind of prepare myself, I guess I truly won't know my own reaction until I see it Guess we'll have to see & discuss as we go along

[MissConfused 67]

And here I've been thinking maybe I shouldn't be a swinger or in the alt lifestyle lol. I'm the female and we've never played with a couple yet. I'm a little apprehensive about it because I don't know what my reaction would be in seeing my hubby please another woman. I was worried that if I do get the jelousy feelings we're not meant to be in the lifestyle. I have seen him touch other woman with intent behind it but it has never bothered me at all. I just used to think I might get worked up in a bad way if I saw him pleasing another woman to the max. But alas, I guess I won't know until we try. He on the other hand knows he loves to see me with another man

[swmnkdinthervr 52]

It definitely gets easier, especially after the love and bond between the couple is validated because you have become closer.

 

Exactly our somewhat long winded point!!!

[Tommythecat 0]

This is an issue my wife is having. We have been in the lifestyle for about 3 years and she has played with a couple guys, one  been steady for about a year, but she has had issues with going forward with me playing. She has seen me making out, and oral with another woman, but she can't figure out why she's so scared to see me go all the way with another woman.

 

[couplers 4,568]

1 hour ago, Tommythecat said:

she can't figure out why she's so scared to see me go all the way with another woman.

This was pretty much the same with me - I had a boyfriend for two years while hubby was patiently monogamous. (Although I was extremely grateful and took very good care of him.)  One day a friend of mine and I were talking of sex and she said that it must be nice to have sex with David.  The words just came out of my mouth, "That can be arranged."  "He finds you attractive too." (I lied, he never said anything about her, but knowing him, he wouldn't mind.)  I told her I would set it up.  I went home and told David that I arranged for him to fuck Amy, in a way that it wasn't a request.  Was I jealous?  Hell yes, but I felt so powerful it didn't matter.  It happened that weekend and we've never been better.

Edited December 12, 2020 by couplers

[Tommythecat 0]

There is just some kinda mental block, the only time she watched a woman give me oral she whispered in my ear "Does it feel good", then she said i wanna hear you. She instantly squirted! But just shuts down when it comes time to have sex.

[JessicaJamison 858]

On 1/3/2011 at 5:13 PM, kk5569420 said:

This is my biggest fear from woman to woman, what is it like to see and hear your man with another woman? Our marriage is great and sex life is amazing, communication is great between us and just nervous on what to do when we do decide to take part in lifestyle, what I will feel, just ANY advice in this lifestyle will be great.

Not gonna lie I was nervous the first time we full swapped.  But once he started making out with her, undressing her, fingering her, and when she started stroking him it was like I had a front row seat to the hottest show in town starring my husband.  Now the first time we did the hard swap stuff in seperate rooms, but after the show of oral sex I was so wet, and so in the mood.  It was a fantastic night.  You'll be fine babe.  

[couplers 4,568]

21 hours ago, JessicaJamison said:

the first time we did the hard swap stuff in seperate rooms, but after the show of oral sex I was so wet, and so in the mood.

Same here, it wasn't until after the first couple of times that I got to watch and even later before participating.  But when hubby got home the first thing I did was suck his dick back up and screw our brains out.