My hubby seems very eager to find another couple?

[mtneers 15]

HELLO ALL!!!!

 

We are new at this whole lifestyle and want to learn more. We have done MFM and a full swap with a couple in separate rooms....I didnt particularly like that part, since we talked about same room only and i let myself get talked into separate. Long story short, we are gonna try it again but stick to the rules we set right off. I am up for any advice anyone wants to give.

 

One question I have though is this....My hubby seems very eager to find another couple and this weekend he didnt even ask me anything before he started chatting with a couple and asking to meet them. I have told him that I didnt appreciate that and Im not gonna just take one for the team to get him laid by a different woman. It kinda pissed me off honestly. Is he just eager because its all new to us or is this how he will be always?

 

Thanks....

S

[exploringRM 305]

I can't really say if this is something he will do all of the time. One thing that is important in swinging is communication. Talking about your rules, preferences, etc. You should agree that before your husband initiates contact, or agrees to meet with a couple that initiated contact with you, that you need to agree on the meeting. We operate that way. The only exception fur us would be setting up a quick meet at a meet and greet, to say hi, have a few drinks. That's not a "date", just meeting.

[MN Tom 251]

Yes, communicate and talk some more after that. Then have a chat for dessert.

 

Just sounds like he's really excited and is letting the excitement get the better of him. Is the same room rule originally your preference or his?

 

The issue you are running into happens quite often, part of the reason is because guys tend to be pictured far less in profiles, so it's a bit harder to really get a feel for the attraction.

 

We pick couples by having us both read the profile, for example I will find one and tell my wife the name and she will look at it, or vice versa. We have a fairly good idea of what the other wants at this point, but there can always be surprises. Then we chat with them through the online mail system typically and try to set up a meeting (for us the first meeting is almost always at a pre planned event, but that's just our preference).

[LagniappeDC 313]

Honestly, your post sent our alarm bells ringing! You guys are fairly new, and you've already "let yourself get talked into" breaking an important rule, and now after talking, your husband is leading the charge again without consulting you.

 

In our humble opinion, it's time to slow way down and figure out how to communicate better. Swinging is a couples activity and your husband seems to be doing his own thing and simply bringing you along.

 

There is no doubt that when many of us first get into this or meet a new couple, there is a big excitement level and can lead to bad judgment. We'll be the first to admit we hit a few bumps in the road. Each time it was do to lack of communication.

 

Slow down, establish firm ground rules that work for you and go from there. If he doesn't respect your rules then you'll need to deal with that. Assuming that you do come to agreement, there is no need to rush if you aren't comfortable. There is nothing wrong with just meeting a couple for drinks with no expectations. Believe me, if the couple is truly interested they'll wait for a second date.

 

Good luck!

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

My wife and I always discuss potential play partners before we contact them. It's not a rule per se that we ever established. We just do. As others have said, I think your husband just got excited and pushed the envelope in a direction you didn't expect.

 

Back up a square, communicate, make sure you're both on the same page. No major problem really; just make sure all expectations and thoughts are on the table.

[Tina and Bob 236]

My husband and I always discuss who I share my body with. He might find the female half attractive and I may not feel the same way about the other half and if I don't, we don't, end of discussion. To be honest I find that I am a bit more discerning than he is when it comes to these matters. Bottom line is that it's my body so we both have equal veto power.

[sweet_tna 680]

I didnt particularly like that part, since we talked about same room only and i let myself get talked into separate. Long story short, we are gonna try it again but stick to the rules we set right off. I am up for any advice anyone wants to give.

 

The point to setting rules/guidelines is to prevent you and your SO from doing anything that would make you uncomfortable/cause issues between you. That's why it's important to stick to your rules. If you did not want to do separate rooms, it's your right--nay, your responsibility to say NO. And he needs to remember that NO means NO and hold off until you can sit down and talk to each other about making any changes.

 

One question I have though is this....My hubby seems very eager to find another couple and this weekend he didnt even ask me anything before he started chatting with a couple and asking to meet them. I have told him that I didnt appreciate that and Im not gonna just take one for the team to get him laid by a different woman. It kinda pissed me off honestly. Is he just eager because its all new to us or is this how he will be always?

 

I'm glad you told him how you felt. You didn't mention what his response was, though. Yes, he's probably excited, BUT that does not excuse his ignoring your rule and trying to set up a meet with a couple without consulting you first.

 

I suggest you guys hold off on meeting this couple or any other swinging activities until you can work on your communication. You need to know you've got each others' backs--no matter how exciting things are.

[JM153 346]

Is your husband usually a take charge guy? Does he usually make decisions that involve both of you without consulting you? Would it be normal for him to accept an invitation for both of you and then tell you about it? If so then he is just doing what he always does. What you have to make clear to him is that this is different and you want to be consulted before he sets anything up or even communicates with the other couple if that is your desire. I am guessing he does this a lot and did it without thinking.

[mtneers 15]

You guys are absolutely right. We do need to communicate more. question is...How do I get him to do that. When I ask him to talk about it he says OK and then asks what about it I wanna talk about and i tell him certain things and his response every time is "if you dont wanna do it we will never do it again" I am not sure where he is getting I dont wanna do it again, but it seems to be his answer to everything. I guess my newbie mistake (separate rooms) was a killer to him cause i did cry afterward and knowing that i was upset and a little hurt he said he would never do that to me again. I just want this to be something we do together.

 

Is my hubby a take charge guy? not really. He always talks to me before spending money or doing things. IDK whats gotten into him. IDK how to get him to talk to me about it. I try all the time, but he doesnt. Whats the best way to approach him about it?

[sexcupid 809]

Whose idea was it to do separate rooms that first time? Perhaps he feels guilty if it was his idea?

 

Have you actually said "just because I have concerns does not mean this isn't something I want to do...but I need to be able to talk to you when something is bothering me"? Also...during these conversations, ask him what he hears you say. He may be interpreting your concerns as "she's just trying to come up with reasons to not do this anymore" or "by offering to quit when she has concerns shows her I'm (fill in the blank)". Good communication takes work and unfortunately in a lot of long term relationships we forget to listen and just assume we know what our partner is saying. Listening is not something most people are naturally good at.

[oldrrob 20]

That 'we'll never do it again' line is at best an immature response and even more likely, he's playing you like a cheap guitar. If you don't get his attention with a very strong 'sit down and listen to what I have to say' conversation, nothing will change except your attitude, and for the worse. How hard it that to understand? You don't want him initiating things or, worse yet, making arrangements without your participation in the decision from the the get go!

 

Sorry if that sounds a little strong, I've seen this before. I'll stop short of suggesting you respond with, 'Ok, fine, we'll never do it again' and just drop it. Ha! See how long that lasts. Nothing will change unless you change it.

 

That's not how we did it.

[mtneers 15]

Whose idea was it to do separate rooms that first time? Perhaps he feels guilty if it was his idea?

 

Have you actually said "just because I have concerns does not mean this isn't something I want to do...but I need to be able to talk to you when something is bothering me"? Also...during these conversations, ask him what he hears you say. He may be interpreting your concerns as "she's just trying to come up with reasons to not do this anymore" or "by offering to quit when she has concerns shows her I'm (fill in the blank)". Good communication takes work and unfortunately in a lot of long term relationships we forget to listen and just assume we know what our partner is saying. Listening is not something most people are naturally good at.

 

The other couple didnt feel comfy in the same room together and I asked him if he wanted that and he said it wouldnt bother him, even though we both talked about same room only. He didnt push me into it, nor did the other couple. What happened was I saw how much he wanted this and I caved. I think he does feel guilty a little maybe over it because he knew it wasnt what i was comfy with but we went ahead with it any ways. I should have said NO. I have a real problem with wanting to make him happy no matter what. I do regret it and its something I'll never do to myself again.

 

I have asked him why he assumes I dont want to try it again when I have concerns. He just gets kinda defensive. We dont communicate like we should about it or anything for that matter. I think, Maria, You are absolutely right when you say long term relationships forget how to listen. He has.

[JM153 346]

OK, I was trying to give him an out, but if this is not his normal way, then IDK either. You have received some good advice as to how to communicate with him and maybe others will also chime in. We have some very smart, astute, and caring folks on this board that give very good advice. Good Luck and Welcome to the Board.

[Chicup 41]

Possible situation.

 

He REALLY wanted to swing, this is common for first timers, and was willing to take anything that would allow that.

 

After hes feeling guilty and maybe jealous, which is in my experience made worse by separate rooms, but he won't tell you that, especially since he is the one who set it up. So if you say you had a problem hes willing to make you the one who puts the breaks on instead of himself.

[mtneers 15]

After hes feeling guilty and maybe jealous, which is in my experience made worse by separate rooms, but he won't tell you that, especially since he is the one who set it up. So if you say you had a problem hes willing to make you the one who puts the breaks on instead of himself.

 

That is exactly what I was thinking!!!! Im the one with the problem so im the one who stopped the whole thing. and then later on, would he be angry with me cause I didnt wanna do it anymore? I swear if it wasnt so fun that Id say forget the whole thing.....

[sweet_tna 680]

Sexcupid gave you some really good advice. You need to make sure your hubby knows that you ARE interested, but you have some concerns. And remember, men are not typically good at sharing/dealing with their feelings. So making sure they are really listening and understand what you're saying is important. It's important for women to do that too, since we don't always hear what our men are really saying.

 

Hopefully, ya'll can sort things out and figure out where to go from here.

 

=)

[LFM2 1,482]

Oh gosh... I've had this conversation with Dave a time or two. He has on occasion twisted off and thought with his "little Dave brain" more than his big Dave brain. I have no problem calling him on this, but, alas, he just loves sex. Luckily, it's a rare thing.

 

Ok... I love sex, too... but... we've had to have that important conversation that he does not have my permission to volunteer me to meet a couple that night and have sex with them without talking with me first.

 

He's also PMd with couples without my knowledge and before I know it, he's set up a meeting. He tells me about it after the fact, but again, he's just too damn excited.

 

I say this in a loving way and I'm actually smiling as I type this: He's a He-whore and he knows it.

 

I know with my honey, I have to remind him that we're a couple and we play as a couple. We do things together which mean we talk about meetings and we talk about these potential couples together. He does the basic work of looking and talking with them, but he's supposed to be telling me about these wonderful people before setting up dates, ideas, etc.

 

He knows that, but gets carried away once in a while.

 

There was a couple that we met last month. He was the PMer and talked with her/him. I had no idea they even existed for a week or so. Between the three of them, they'd already kinda set up a play date. Right before we left to go meet, I told him to please not count his chickens because I hadn't even talked to them, although I did see a picture of them. I wasn't sure I'd even be attracted to either one of them. Great thing for all four of us, we hit it off immediately.

 

He's lived and learned. Just takes some real communication and reminding once in a while that I'm with part of the couple.

[mrfixit 15]

Oh gosh... I've had this conversation with Dave a time or two. He has on occasion twisted off and thought with his "little Dave brain" more than his big Dave brain. I have no problem calling him on this, but, alas, he just loves sex. Luckily, it's a rare thing.

 

Ok... I love sex, too... but... we've had to have that important conversation that he does not have my permission to volunteer me to meet a couple that night and have sex with them without talking with me first.

 

He's also PMd with couples without my knowledge and before I know it, he's set up a meeting. He tells me about it after the fact, but again, he's just too damn excited.

 

I say this in a loving way and I'm actually smiling as I type this: He's a He-whore and he knows it.

 

I know with my honey, I have to remind him that we're a couple and we play as a couple. We do things together which mean we talk about meetings and we talk about these potential couples together. He does the basic work of looking and talking with them, but he's supposed to be telling me about these wonderful people before setting up dates, ideas, etc.

 

He knows that, but gets carried away once in a while.

 

There was a couple that we met last month. He was the PMer and talked with her/him. I had no idea they even existed for a week or so. Between the three of them, they'd already kinda set up a play date. Right before we left to go meet, I told him to please not count his chickens because I hadn't even talked to them, although I did see a picture of them. I wasn't sure I'd even be attracted to either one of them. Great thing for all four of us, we hit it off immediately.

 

He's lived and learned. Just takes some real communication and reminding once in a while that I'm with part of the couple.

 

Being a man slut, as the wife calls me, those are all good things to keep in mind , LOL

 

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[mtneers 15]

Being a man slut, as the wife calls me, those are all good things to keep in mind , LOL

 

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Being a "man slut" isnt that bad is it??? I call my hubby that all the time....I do think hes just excited. We've talked a little, and i hope he will open up to me soon about what he wants.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I just read your other thread first and now I'm reading this one and getting a little more insight into your situation. My thoughts on what is probably going on now...

 

He wanted to find another couple, and found one. Maybe he jumped the gun a bit. You weren't happy with that situation. Then you went and found a single guy to play with. He's feeling hurt because you were obviously unhappy with what he did, but instead of just communicating how he's feeling he's taking the "whatever" approach. In his mind he's thinking "well obviously to her her what she wants is more important than something that could make us both happy. I'm not going to get my way anyway, so I'll just let her do whatever she wants".

 

You guys really need to sit down and talk this out and work together to find playmates rather than each of you doing it on your own.

[mtneers 15]

I just read your other thread first and now I'm reading this one and getting a little more insight into your situation. My thoughts on what is probably going on now...

 

He wanted to find another couple, and found one. Maybe he jumped the gun a bit. You weren't happy with that situation. Then you went and found a single guy to play with. He's feeling hurt because you were obviously unhappy with what he did, but instead of just communicating how he's feeling he's taking the "whatever" approach. In his mind he's thinking "well obviously to her her what she wants is more important than something that could make us both happy. I'm not going to get my way anyway, so I'll just let her do whatever she wants".

 

You guys really need to sit down and talk this out and work together to find playmates rather than each of you doing it on your own.

 

No its not like that at all. he knew about the single guy. He even talked to him with me. I didnt know he was even looking for a couple until I saw him talking to them online. I asked him how he felt about meeting the guy. He didnt ask me.

[Alura 2,774]

"Darlin', I adore you! We need to talk truthfully about this here Swingin' stuff or there ain't no way we're goin' to be able to do it without gettin' crossways with each other! I wanna know what you really want to do. Whatever we do or don't do, I want to stay married."

 

His turn:

 

Alura

[mtneers 15]

"Darlin', I adore you! We need to talk truthfully about this here Swingin' stuff or there ain't no way we're goin' to be able to do it without gettin' crossways with each other! I wanna know what you really want to do. Whatever we do or don't do, I want to stay married."

 

His turn:

 

Alura

 

Love it!!! I love your accent too!!! Just like mine....lol

[Alura 2,774]

Thanks, Mtneers! I'm just a hick Okie. It's not surprisin' our accents are similar. My ancesters came to Indian Territory from the Carolinas... 'course, that was in 1836...

 

I hope things work our for y'all. Keep talkin'!

 

Alura