How do I tell them I don't want to play again? - Help

[Pretty Blue Eye 15]

My boyfriend and I are fairly new swingers. Started about 6 months ago, and have had a few encounters. We've had 3 MFM's, been with 3 couples and on New Year's Eve, attended our first party.

 

When we arrived, there were 2 other couples, 2 single men, and a single woman who came with another couple. The single woman was quite young (22) and feeling overwhelmed. She decided she wanted to leave. The couple she came with decided to leave with her and take her home.

 

So that left the hosting couple, my boyfriend and I, and the 2 single men. I decided, to stay and have a good time. My boyfriend was very pleased that I didn't want to leave.

 

We played and had a good time. I found out there is something better than being the center of attention of 2 men. being the center of attention of 3 men. We also played with the host couple. Again, we had a good time. She is bi-sexual. I would call myself bi-curious. I do not find myself attracted to her. Her SO, has ED and does not enjoy giving oral sex. I'm not attracted to him either. But the 4 of us played together and had a good time.

 

So far, no problems, right? They like us very much and want to become regular play partners. My boyfriend, in his enthusiasm, readily agreed. We have since talked about that. He agrees we need to talk about things together before he commits us to anything. I have explained to him my position. I feel like there's not much in this situation for me. I'm not interested in playing with her. And he doesn't do oral and has ED. We are looking for friends in the lifestyle. They want to be friends too. But they also want to be friends that play. My boyfriend would be fine with that too, except he now knows how I feel about it. I'm ok with friends. I just don't want to play with them. I would like to attend parties they host. I would be ok with some play at the parties with other people to also play with.

 

So here's the situation. My boyfriend and the other couple want to play. I'm the hold up. I'm interested in being friends with them, but not playing. They called last night, wanting to get together as a "four-some" sometime this weekend. I said we could just hang out, play cards, I'd make them dinner, and see where it goes. I'm feeling very pressured to play with them because I know that's what everyone except me wants. How do I tell them I don't want to play, just be friends, without hurting their feelings?

 

Sorry this was so long. Thank you to everyone for reading and sharing your wisdom.

[sweet_tna 680]

First of all, I'm glad to hear you had fun at the party, and that you had let your boyfriend know right away that you were NOT interested in the other couple. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be listening. If he were, he would have stood by you and not put you in this uncomfortable position.

 

You should NOT feel pressured, and it's probably best to go ahead and tell the other couple right off that you're not interested in playing with them. Something like, "We enjoy your company as friends, but we'd like to keep it that way. You're more than welcome to join us for dinner and a game of cards," should suffice.

 

Rejection is part of the lifestyle, and if they're mature adults, they'll accept that and either join you for an evening of platonic fun, or they won't.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

=)

[LFM2 1,482]

That's great and all that your boyfriend wants to play, but he volunteered you before talking to you and he should be the one to man-up and go back to the couple and say that he spoke up before talking to you.

 

You don't have to give reasons why you don't want to play. A simple, "No, Thank You" should suffice and your boyfriend should have your back on this. The other couple should be mature enough to simply say, "OK". Maybe the other party will still want to have a social life with you two and say, "Great, let's play cards, watch a movie and have dinner then".

 

We have many swinger couples we're friends with. We LOVE having dinner with them though and getting together socially even though the thoughts of having sex with them is long gone.

[lizandtom 512]

Agree with LFM2, tell your BF that you don't feel the chemistry with her, and the guy won't be doing it for you anytime soon, so he should handle it. Obviously your BF feels something for her, so it you're cool with it then tell him if he wants to hang with them for sex, go for it.

[Pretty Blue Eye 15]

Thanks for all the great advice. My boyfriend is one of those rare men who finds something beautiful about every woman. So there will rarely be a woman he's not interested in playing with. And, one of our very few swinging rules is we always play together.

 

He says he doesn't want me to feel pressured, or to take one for the team. But I do feel he hopes I'll change my mind and want to play with them. That's where a lot of the pressure I feel is coming from.

[spvcouple 123]

While I agree that you should never feel pressured to play or "take one for the team" I would like you to consider this side.

 

You state that you have had MFMs and met other couples. At this party you were the center of attention for 3 guys and you are only bi-curious. Could it be that you have no interest in them because the host gentleman cannot perform for you? That you don't want to because you would NOT be the center of attention?

 

Go with your gut, but I am just giving you food for thought.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Pretty Blue Eye said:

. . .My boyfriend is one of those rare men who finds something beautiful about every woman. . .

Not as rare as you might think. I will not pretend to speak for the male gender in general; just for myself. My wife has said to me more than once, "you'd do anything in a skirt." I am fortunate to have her watching after me. Stay with your rule of playing together. It will serve you both well.

[Learning 160]

Oh I don't see this ending good. Your boyfriend is "hoping" that you will change your mind? He needs to open those ears....you are not interested. Not good. It is difficult to hang with "swinger friends" if you have already had experiences with them. Good luck and stick to your guns...

[lizandtom 512]

He says he doesn't want me to feel pressured, or to take one for the team. But I do feel he hopes I'll change my mind and want to play with them.

 

From what you've written, this is the Opposite of taking one for the team; it's not getting any. While your BF is playing with her, what are you and the other guy going to be doing, watching the new Oprah network? Taking one for the team is having sex with someone who really doesn't do it for you, but that's not even an option here because of the guys ED and lack of oral skills (or trying).

 

After six years we simply do not date where there isn't mutual sextraction for my wife and her potential partner(s), and for me and my potential partner(s), otherwise someone is going to be disappointed. That's one reason why 3 or 4 couples works out well which we do often; variety for everyone.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I am kind of wondering what this couple desires as far as playing with you, the female half of the couple. Since the male has ED and doesn't want to give oral sex, is he just wanting kissing and caressing? Or does he even want that? And does the lady expect you to play with her? I'm a little confused as to what they want from you.

 

Is it possible that they just want you to kind of be around and be open to snuggling while your boyfriend plays with the female half? If so, would you be comfortable with that?

 

I ask this because it seems like your boyfriend has been pretty giving as far as being happy about you getting attention from lots of single men in MFMs and at the party. Is he really turned on by this or is he really doing it as mostly a gift for you? Would you want to give him a similar gift by letting him play with this couple while you're around, but not doing much sexually? If you really are only going to play together, then perhaps you could give some thought to this kind of arrangement.

 

If you are really put off by the idea of getting close to either one of them even to the extent of light kissing or whatever it is they want, then by all means it's a no-go.

[JM153 346]

I have a couple of observations that hopefully will provide food for thought. You stated that you are new to swinging. Assuming that statement is true for each of you as well as you as a couple, I understand your BF's reaction. When we first started we had several false starts. When we did hook up it was great, but we didn't know if there would be another opportunity or when it would happen. This led me to want to continue with the couple even though my better half was not that turned on. We did not continue, but I remember the anxiety. Flash forward and after several successful play partners I have no problem in giving a pass. I know there will be others. Maybe this is what is going on with your BF. In that case the two of you need to tell them thanks but no thanks. ( I disagree with putting it only on him to tell them, because in his present state of mind there will be the temptation to say he wants to play but you don't. This can encourage the other couple to put pressure on you to get you to change your mind.)

 

My other observation is in response to your statement you do not see what is in it for you. There is nothing wrong with this being the controlling feeling, but you should recognize it is a self centered feeling. Some of us on this board swing not only for us but also as a gift to our partner. In your case, since you are not being asked to do something you do not want to do and since there is not a personality conflict, perhaps you should consider going along and treat it as a FMF with your BF. You can tell the other woman you are not interested in a bi relationship with her.

 

The bottom line, though, is for you to do what you want to do and not because of pressure from anyone including your BF.

[sexcupid 809]

This part is for JM153 mostly:

 

The dynamics of being in a party situation with multiple partners to choose from compared to a one on one meet up with another couple are entirely different. In the party set, there are more opportunities, so if there is someone I am not clicking with or not enjoying their performance, I can ideally move on to find someone else more to my liking.

 

Using the OP's predicament of not really enjoying the playtime they had at the party with this couple (why she describes it as a good time when apparently it wasn't is a little beyond me right now...but there we go lol ) and knowing this couple wants to play with them again and she isn't attracted to the female or the male. Wondering what is in the arrangement for her is a logical sort of question particularly since it seems in their previous experiences that they have played together (either in a MFM or swapping with other couples) and it doesn't seem unreasonable that she/they would want to meet up with couples that they will both be playing with...not with someone (or potentially someone from each couple) sitting on the sidelines while the others play.

 

For the OP:

 

If the other hubby wasn't having ED issues that night, would this be a couple you would want to play with again? Did he actually perform oral and the technique/amount of time/etc were just not to your liking or did he not do it at all? Are you afraid to say something to this couple because you think you will be struck from the guest list of future parties?

[padoc 1,704]

Many people fall into this kind of situation from time to time. Your b/f is completely missing the point. He likes the other woman and can't see beyond that. Her husband can't get it up and doesn't do oral so frankly, what good is he to you? The key to this is that you and your b/f are in this for what you want as a couple, not specifically to please any other couple. If something doesn't work for one of you, it doesn't work for you as a couple and your b'f should be supporting you, not the other couples desire for a 4-some. It may hurt their feelings, but this really isn't about them is it? Your b/f needs to adjust his priorities.

[Pretty Blue Eye 15]

There are many more details to this situation. Unfortunately, I'm not really comfortable discussing them in a public forum. If there is someone willing to talk to me on the phone about all of this, please PM me and I will send you my phone number. Thank you.

[JM153 346]

sexcupid said:

This part is for JM153 mostly:

 

The dynamics of being in a party situation with multiple partners to choose from compared to a one on one meet up with another couple are entirely different. In the party set, there are more opportunities, so if there is someone I am not clicking with or not enjoying their performance, I can ideally move on to find someone else more to my liking.

 

Using the OP's predicament of not really enjoying the playtime they had at the party with this couple (why she describes it as a good time when apparently it wasn't is a little beyond me right now...but there we go lol ) and knowing this couple wants to play with them again and she isn't attracted to the female or the male. Wondering what is in the arrangement for her is a logical sort of question particularly since it seems in their previous experiences that they have played together (either in a MFM or swapping with other couples) and it doesn't seem unreasonable that she/they would want to meet up with couples that they will both be playing with...not with someone (or potentially someone from each couple) sitting on the sidelines while the others play.

 

I agree it is not unreasonable on the OP's part to ask the question what's in it for me. My effort, perhaps poorly done, was to reframe the question and the issue. While it is not unreasonable to ask what's in it for me - the answer may not be only what physical pleasure she gets, but giving her BF the physical pleasure he gets. For example, where I was not being asked to do anything that violated my boundaries and all it would take is for me to be a spectator I would gladly go along for my partner's pleasure.

 

As I said I suspect his motivation relates to his newness to the LS. He has found a playmate that will play with him. It's the bird in hand syndrome. What he does not realize is there really are a lot more birds in the bushes and there will be other playmates. If he were asking the question of whether he should ask his GF to play under these circumstances I would tell him no, because there will be couples that both of you will get physical pleasure from playing with.

 

Hope this clarifies what I am trying to say and thank you SexCupid for raising the question.

[Chicup 42]

There are many more details to this situation. Unfortunately, I'm not really comfortable discussing them in a public forum. If there is someone willing to talk to me on the phone about all of this, please PM me and I will send you my phone number. Thank you.

 

Rule #12 of the internet, never give out your phone number to a complete stranger.

 

(Rule #1 is unless you see them naked assume its a man)

 

Anyways there is a private message system on the board and IM style chatting you can use which might be more secure for you.