Are we being blown off?

[Let's Play 15]

We had a single male we were interested in contact us on sls about 3 weeks ago. We've done some chatting by email and IM over this time and agreed we'd get together some time this coming week. He also gave us his phone number, but I don't feel comfortable giving ours out to anyone I haven't met yet so I haven't called. He had promised to give us at least 2 weeks notice of the actual date he'd be able to get together (traveling for business) as we need to set up a babysitter and he's well aware of that. I sent a reminder email about needing an exact date 4 days ago, and the last time we heard from him was 2 days before that. I have checked his account at sls and know he's been on daily since that time.

 

At this point, do I try and make further contact? Mr. Play says no because he gets the impression that he's a flake (history of not promptly responding to emails), but I feel bad not giving someone a warning that they're on thin ice with us. I wanted to send a message to his sls account so we'll know for sure he got it and didn't respond. So do I now just assume he's done with us and move on? What if he finally does contact us in the next couple of days and we have the opportunity to get a babysitter, do we go ahead and set up a meet?

[PB&J 1,086]

Well, if he's like some of the single males we've been in contact with... just cut him loose and move on. We've had several twerps get to the point of arranging place, time, etc, and then just disappear in the middle of an online chat, never to be heard from again. You've given him a chance and time to move on.

[Alura 2,778]

My guess is he's either a married guy, lying to his wife, or a thirteen-year-old getting his jollies on the internet. In either case, you don't want to meet him.

 

The married guy probably can't figure out how to tell his wife why he's going out at a time of day when he's always home, and if he did, she'd want to go with him or have him take the kids along. "I'd like to go grocery shopping alone," he knows she'd say.

 

I have no experience with this, but after seeing the subject here on the board for some years now, I've come to believe those are the main reasons "single guys" are so famous for being "no Shows."

 

Alura

[mrfixit 15]

My guess is he's either a married guy, lying to his wife, or a thirteen-year-old getting his jollies on the internet. In either case, you don't want to meet him.

 

The married guy probably can't figure out how to tell his wife why he's going out at a time of day when he's always home, and if he did, she'd want to go with him or have him take the kids along. "I'd like to go grocery shopping alone," he knows she'd say.

 

I have no experience with this, but after seeing the subject here on the board for some years now, I've come to believe those are the main reasons "single guys" are so famous for being "no Shows."

 

Alura

 

Ok, We have been here a while, and you hit the ol nail on the head about everytime, with a meaningful, thoughtful, correct answer to many questions.

 

Ding Ding Ding you got it again,

 

mrfixit

[two4youinswva 3,069]

Doesn't really matter whether or not he's blowing you off.

Doesn't really matter what his real "status" is.

 

What does matter is that he's wasting your time.

[Let's Play 15]

Well, he lists as being about 250 miles away from us and says that he comes to our area about 1-2 times a month for business. Not sure if people mess with that part of their profile for the purpose of lying or not, though I wouldn't be surprised with all I've read here already. So could he be married? There's always a chance of it, but probably not quite the scenario you mentioned if he does in fact live that far away. I've found myself wondering if he messed up at home and his wife found out or something (if he was married, again I obviously can't say for sure).

 

We do know for sure he's not a kid though. We had the chance to do webcams to make sure we both matched up with our profile pictures.

 

We very much appreciate the input and advice you're all offering. This really stinks because it was going to be our first meeting with someone so we're already getting off to a bad start.

[Let's Play 15]

Doesn't really matter whether or not he's blowing you off.

Doesn't really matter what his real "status" is.

 

What does matter is that he's wasting your time.

 

Yeah, that's a big factor here as well. We have not had a lack of interest, and most likely could have focused our efforts elsewhere and already met with someone by now if it wasn't for this. Now I'm feeling discouraged because I have to go back and sort through all these emails again.

[want2watch40 20]

This scenario seems to happen a lot. We have had similar experiences and I (Mr. Want) was getting very discouraged and wondered if we should look at different avenues to take in finding someone.

 

We went through those that met with us, said they were interested and then *POOF*, they are gone.........

 

We went through those that wanted to meet, set a time and place but stood us up with no further communication.........

 

We have met with a few but the actual connections seem to be far and few between.

 

I look at it just like any other "dating" type scenario. It's a numbers game. The more you make contact with, the better chances are that you'll finally score.

 

PS: Yes, we have met with some that weren't who they said they were.

[N8ture Girl 318]

Well, he lists as being about 250 miles away from us and says that he comes to our area about 1-2 times a month for business. Not sure if people mess with that part of their profile for the purpose of lying or not, though I wouldn't be surprised with all I've read here already. So could he be married? There's always a chance of it, but probably not quite the scenario you mentioned if he does in fact live that far away. I've found myself wondering if he messed up at home and his wife found out or something (if he was married, again I obviously can't say for sure).

 

We do know for sure he's not a kid though. We had the chance to do webcams to make sure we both matched up with our profile pictures.

 

We very much appreciate the input and advice you're all offering. This really stinks because it was going to be our first meeting with someone so we're already getting off to a bad start.

 

Who really knows what this guy is doing or if he is married or not. I have my opinion but it doesnt matter. Maybe he just doesnt have a date yet.. The ball is in his court. I'd move on, if you hear from him then great if not there are plenty more out there. And I doubt you will get lucky with the first guy or two you chat with. Lastly, I dont think this is a bad start, you will meet or just chat with a number of guys before you will likely find a good match. You will have to weed through the married ones, the flakes and fakes first. Dont' give up yet!

 

I once spoke with a very nice and charming fella off and on for a few months. He also traveled to my area once a month or so. One day I asked him via chat why he has never been married (cause he was in his late 40's early 50's) and with a little hesitation he said he is married. I pressed a little further and she didn't know about his other life.

I said see ya and told him thanks but no thanks!

[sweet_tna 680]

My gut says either married or changed his mind. BUT . . . We've had the experience of meeting a great SM whose job genuinely keeps him on the go. We may not hear from him often, but once we set a time/place, he did show up.

 

Come to think of it, we've gotten emails from couples in whom we were genuinely interested, but we simply did not have the time in our schedules to get together. I'd wager they thought we were flakes and gave up on us, too. Life happens.

 

I say put him on the back burner and keep looking. If you hear from him, you can go from there. If not, it's his loss.

 

=)

[Alura 2,778]

We do know for sure he's not a kid though.

 

That is a serious plus!

 

Alura

[fun4Ds 1,098]

If he gave you his phone number, call him ? I'm pretty sure *69 or 79 leaves your number undisplayed on his end. A cheap throw away phone without registering your name would work too. Especially if your going to pursue this more often. Call him a few times....

 

We always call if its someone from the Internet. Actually, you could call via the Internet through google phone and not be traceable, I think ?

 

He might be experienced enough and think your just teasing him. He might have that disposable phone too though.

 

Our vote is to find a comfortable way to call at your discretion.

[Let's Play 15]

I just want to thank you all again for all the thoughts and advice. It is very much appreciated.

 

I told Mr. Play that we could just try blocking our number and calling him, but he just wants to write this guy off for now and focus elsewhere, so I guess that's what we're doing. If he actually does contact us again we'll see where it goes, and if not then you're right, sweet, it's his loss.

[JM153 346]

We have not looked for SM or SFs but we have couples. When we first started we looked for couples on the Internet. We had all of the experiences that others have reported and it was very frustrating. Initially we would find a couple we were interested in and who seemed interested in us and would focus on them alone. What we came to learn is that it is better to correspond with several at the same time. Don't know what the percentage of success was, but it was low. Having more couples increased the odds of one working out.

 

Have you considered visiting an on-premises club or a meet and greet. Since your in Chicago you should be able to find several options there. We prefer that over the Internet, because it is much more efficient since your face to face. Also the throw away phone from Wal-Mart is a good idea. Your name is not attached to the phone and if you start getting too many calls you just get another one.

 

Good luck. Getting started is the hardest. Once you meet some people you will begin to meet others and it gets a lot easier to hook up.

[MN Tom 251]

Yeah, just expect this kind of thing to happen from time to time.

 

I would also guess that he's married or something of the sort.

 

Basically if the other party stops contacting you, just assume that they have cold feet/are fakes/dont want to/... And leave it at that.

 

Usually what we do is expect mails to be one for one, back and forth like a tennis game. And if they have been online (and aren't always logged online), then just assume that they aren't ready at this time.

 

 

For us the "solution" to this was like other posters have said, and that was to have several contacts in the hopper at once.

[Let's Play 15]

Thanks for the suggestion of having a few guys at once. We seem to be trying to keep about 3 going at once. Of this first group one flaked out kind of early on, one still seems interested but I think I'm losing interest, and this last guy we were both really excited about when he flaked out. I think part of the problem is that we currently have too many prospects. I know we're fortunate in a way with this, but it's somewhat overwhelming to have all of it to sort through again when I had my top 3 of the moment picked out.

 

As for the clubs, we're a little too nervous to do the face to face stuff right now, plus the clubs around us are pretty limited in allowing single guys in. Add to that that I have a hard time telling someone no to their face and hurting their feelings (the emails are hard enough) that I know I need to be more comfortable with that before we get into that kind of situation. Now if we meet a guy finally and it's just not clicking I know I'm going to have to say no, but the plan for that is meet once for dinner/drinks with no intention of playing, then have the chance to really think about it and let him know in a kindly worded email. If we click then he will be on for a second date and the fun stuff. We just want to be more comfortable and not be in a situation where either of us might feel any pressure until we have a better idea of what we're doing.

 

To the possibility of him being married, I know it exists and would certainly explain his actions, or lack thereof. I'd just feel terrible even though I didn't know about it, I somehow contributed to his delinquency, so I'm really hoping he is just a flake and I didn't help hurt someone's relationship.

[Alura 2,778]

Have y'all considered finding a couple who would be willing to take turns having threesomes? One doesn't have to put up with all that cheating stuff, multiple exposures, lack of understanding of y'all's motives, etc. I believe the risks couples face are too unbalanced when a single person is involved.

 

Plus, the permutations and combinations of possibilities are much more advantageous. There is a lot more four people can do!

 

Just a thought from a swinger who retired from playing when he became a widower.

 

Alura

[Let's Play 15]

Alura, I (wife) am the only one who will be playing with anyone else at this point. Mr. Play is just going to be involved with me, so I don't feel comfortable bringing a couple into it. I've been contacted by couples saying the male half is welcome to play separate, but it just feels kind of funny to me to separate a couple. That and there's been hints from a few of them that maybe we can all play some time, but we're not even considering that at this point until I'm more comfortable and neither of us want that pressure on me. Thank you for the thought though, that would make sense if that's what we were going for.

 

Now for an update... He actually just emailed me. Said he's very sorry, he's had a terrible case of pneumonia and will be getting back to me soon. I sent an email back saying, "I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better and we'll hear from you soon. Please keep in touch if you're still serious about meeting us." I decided to err on the side of not being a jerk to him if it's for real, but I wanted to imply at the end that we're questioning him as of now. Thoughts?

[Alura 2,778]

I've been contacted by couples saying the male half is welcome to play separate' date=' but it just feels kind of funny to me to separate a couple. ... Thoughts?[/quote']

 

Provided y'all could verify that with the wife, it might be a good solution, especially if he's experienced in the lifestyle.

 

The only thing you owe a couple would be a pledge of honesty... but you'd probably want to owe that to a single as well.

 

Alura

[JDApopka 54]

well we only play MFM and our main criteria is must be local within an's hours travel at most. that way if something should happen we can contact him.

as far as the phone numvber thing If we agree to meet then i will trust my phone number to him (mine mind you not hers)

the way I look at it is if we are a greeing to meet then you are 75% in her pants because we tray to be very picky.

 

So far this has worked well for us the wifes current FWB is only about 5 miles away and works great for all of us

[PB&J 1,086]

Now for an update... He actually just emailed me. Said he's very sorry' date=' he's had a terrible case of pneumonia and will be getting back to me soon. I sent an email back saying, "I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better and we'll hear from you soon. Please keep in touch if you're still serious about meeting us." I decided to err on the side of not being a jerk to him if it's for real, but I wanted to imply at the end that we're questioning him as of now. Thoughts?[/quote']

 

Best to be wary... again, single men are the king of excuses. We had one cry off from a date at the last minute, saying that his mom had had an car accident and he'd been helping her all day.. even texted me pics of the accident. Then a friend of mine at the club that night said she'd had an identical experience with a guy the year before- right down to the texted pics. We continued to communicate, but he ended up being one of those ones who disappeared without a word. So yeah, he might have had pneumonia... or not.

[JM153 346]

Thanks for the suggestion of having a few guys at once. We seem to be trying to keep about 3 going at once. Of this first group one flaked out kind of early on, one still seems interested but I think I'm losing interest, and this last guy we were both really excited about when he flaked out. I think part of the problem is that we currently have too many prospects. I know we're fortunate in a way with this, but it's somewhat overwhelming to have all of it to sort through again when I had my top 3 of the moment picked out.

 

As for the clubs, we're a little too nervous to do the face to face stuff right now, plus the clubs around us are pretty limited in allowing single guys in. Add to that that I have a hard time telling someone no to their face and hurting their feelings (the emails are hard enough) that I know I need to be more comfortable with that before we get into that kind of situation. Now if we meet a guy finally and it's just not clicking I know I'm going to have to say no, but the plan for that is meet once for dinner/drinks with no intention of playing, then have the chance to really think about it and let him know in a kindly worded email. If we click then he will be on for a second date and the fun stuff. We just want to be more comfortable and not be in a situation where either of us might feel any pressure until we have a better idea of what we're doing.

 

 

I understand the problems you post. When we were communicating with people only on the Internet, it was a huge commitment of time and energy. And trying to keep straight the communication stream over a period of days or weeks with several was really difficult. But, we felt it necessary in order to find some compatible playmates within a reasonable time period. As to the face to face issues you mention, neither of us have them. It does occur to me a meet and greet where you make arrangements to meet on another day may be a workable solution. In this case you will know they are real, you will know there is some chemistry, and you will have time to think and discuss with each other whether the guy is someone you want to follow through with. If he is not you can let him know by email or if he is then you can follow through.

[JustAskJulie 2,597]

I wouldn't put too much more energy into worry about it (let alone giving him warnings). If he really wants to meet he'll make it happen. That said, he's given you his phone number, he may feel like since you didn't return the favor or call him that you aren't really interested. It can/does go both ways.

[Let's Play 15]

Just a little update.... We have not heard from him at all since the last email he sent with the excuse of having pneumonia. We're not going to be the ones to initiate any new contact, and truly it's probably the best thing that could have happened anyway. We were supposed to meet last week, but since we didn't it left us open to pursue another guy I had my eye on. That encounter went great and this weekend we are getting together with him and his gf.