Expecting too much to want more than just sex?

[grabbyzz 26]

Howdy all. Wifes about ready to quit playing with new people and just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex. Is it to much to ask for the guy to text or call sometimes about random stuff? Does it always have to be about sex? Looking for people that are friends first then fuck buddies. People that you can just go out to dinner with occasionally without expecting to end up in the sack....

[two4youinswva 3,068]

The female half of a couple we are friends with feels the same way. She is quickly turned off by guys that only talk about sex, or, act like Todd from Scrubs and turn everything into sexual innuendo.

 

If she's happy playing with the two guys she has now, then that leaves plenty of time to go slowly in picking up another partner. That will allow the "Friends First" to happen at a natural pace, then bonus activities can be added later.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I don't think it is so much a question of too much to ask, but in fairness to them, I think you both should let them know that it is ok to have that type of contact with her, and she in fact hopes they do. I wouldn't be pushy about it though, I would just let them know the door is open and then see if something develops. Push very hard and it will probably scare them off, or it would me anyway.

 

They may be holding back not wanting to appear like they are overstepping their bounds, or they in fact may just not be interested in that themselves, in which case she will have to decide how important it is to her and maybe let that connection drift apart if it is not providing what she wants.

[LagniappeDC 313]

No, it's not too much to ask. We've found it's just a matter of finding the couples with the similar outlook. Though we respect that not everyone wants the "friends with benefits" aspect.

 

Cplnuswing makes an excellent point. We try to be as up front and clear in our profile about what we are looking for. We also try to ensure that any texting or emailing sets the tone that we like the sex banter, but we also like to know there is interest in talking about other things.

 

It's just a search. Be happy that you have two good guys. Enjoy them and take your time finding others.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

It certainly is not asking too much. The great thing about the LS is people are looking for different things. Find what you are comfortable with and go with it. Just realize that some out there will not share your same desires in that regard.

 

For us it runs the gamut. With some of our playmates we chat and talk regularly about non swinging/sexual topics, others we just like to get bizy with, and still others we wish would talk less.

 

Our desires have shifted over the last year. At first we had a "friends first" mentality. We wanted to know more about them and have conversations outside of sex and swinging. But we have found that the friendship aspect is MOSTLY what some people want or they want six months of getting to know us before playing.

 

We are fine with the chat and getting to know you, and being friends, but at some point (in the not too distant future) we want to get naked and have some fun. If there is no chemistry then fine, we can find some elsewhere, but continue to be friends with them as well. We are also fine with it being just about sex and only seeing someone when we are both ready to have some fun. To each his own.

[it'sso 198]

grabbyzz, I hope you don't mind asking, but just what do YOU get out of these relationships?

[VegasLee 1,486]

We are with cplnuswing on this one.

 

We only meet people at the club. Very few will we give contact information to. We do make friends with some but we are not out to make friends from meet ups we have.

 

Most single guys feel they are over stepping by contacting the wife after the fact. The ones that do tend to be stockers that we don't want to deal with anyway.

[grabbyzz 26]

I like sharing her, whether I watch or not. Plus I have a gf's. Easier to find couples than single women.

[sexcupid 809]

On one hand...yes it is asking a bit. One of my SF friends and I have discussed this at length. My thought is in a swing setting, what is the lowest common denominator? Having sex. For example, my friend has complained of this often...guys being rude, not really observing the social "niceities" so to speak. They are looking for a hook up straight and simple...no strings.

 

On the other hand I can appreciate where your wife is coming from and not wanting to feel like she's just being used for sex. From what you've posted she seems to be desiring a connection with the playmate beyond the booty call.

 

If she needs that, even if it is a superficial connection, be more explicit. Particularly if she is looking for repeat playmates...or is she expecting the continued contact/random how you doin' texts/etc from guys that are one time only events? Are the guys aware that she may be auditioning to add to her rotation?

[good times 991]

I am not going to say it is to much to ask or not. What I can say is that our experience has been that the guys who call or text my wife generally turn out to be problems that lead to serious drama. The fact is, most folks in the lifestyle are looking for fun people to have recreational sex with. They are not looking for a boyfriend or girl friend. If they are, we run like hell, because we don't need the drama. So while we thought it was nice when a playmate called and asked about the weather, or how we were doing when we were new, now days we see that as a major red flag and avoid those folks like they have the plague.

[incommunicado 228]

The unrealistic thing that you said on her behalf was

 

"just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex."

 

If you had said "stick with the two couples" you have or even "the two girls" you have, I would say, yes it's possible. But, if she has two guys that you play with together or she plays with separately, they are in it for the sex, not the polite conversation. They don't want to hang out, go shopping, watch movies, or whatever. They want to get their knobs polished. Sure, they want to oblige the woman doing the polishing, but that's what they are there for. Plain and simple.

 

My advice (and others have mirrored this) is seek out some "friends first" couples, and see where it goes. Some (we've met several) just say "friends first" but want sex within a "date" or two. But some, if you click as people, will go for months developing a real friendship, ultimately letting the sex happen (or not) on it's own. Those are the people you can talk about non-sexual things with. Those are the people you can go to movies or dinner with, and then go home without having sex sometimes, or jump each other if you feel like it.

 

That's all I've got. Good luck!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Wifes about ready to quit playing with new people and just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex.

 

 

Maybe I misunderstood grabbyzz, but I think she was sticking with the two guys and forgetting about the rest because they are, to some degree, providing that, while others are not.

 

two guys.......... they are in it for the sex, not the polite conversation..............They want to get their knobs polished. ...........that's what they are there for. Plain and simple.

 

So let me get this straight, females and couples, presumably the female half since men are there for one thing only, are capable of carrying on conversation, while guys are simply robots that are there to stick their manhood in her?

 

I don't know, it seems to me that we have met more different personality types of females, couples AND male, than there are shades of gray.

 

I always find it perplexing, if not somewhat amusing, when people attribute monolithic traits to any group. If your observation were true, then I would imagine there would be far less jealousy and fear from husbands about swinging as the potential for their wives to leave their them for the lone male would be far more unlikely.

[incommunicado 228]

Maybe I misunderstood grabbyzz, but I think she was sticking with the two guys and forgetting about the rest because they are, to some degree, providing that, while others are not.

 

 

 

So let me get this straight, females and couples, presumably the female half since men are there for one thing only, are capable of carrying on conversation, while guys are simply robots that are there to stick their manhood in her?

 

I don't know, it seems to me that we have met more different personality types of females, couples AND male, than there are shades of gray.

 

I always find it perplexing, if not somewhat amusing, when people attribute monolithic traits to any group. If your observation were true, then I would imagine there would be far less jealousy and fear from husbands about swinging as the potential for their wives to leave their them for the lone male would be far more unlikely.

 

Sorry, I stand by my statement and you are trying to twist it. I have known many couples and many singles, both lifestylers and mainstreamers.

 

In both cases, couples generally have, effectively, a gestalt personality. Who they are, how they behave, there intentions and interests are different than when they are together, than when you separate them. TOGETHER, they may share interests in food, wine, antiquing, etc., which lends itself well to friendship, and non-sexual conversation with another couple (the originator never actually mentions if his wife wants someone to be friends with both him and her, or just her). Conversely, most straight, single men (swingers or no) who are seeking a non-committal relationship with a woman, are not going to be your best choice as hanging-out, chatting about the weather, watching TV friends. Make them lifestylers, and you can MOST LIKELY count them out. They may be nice, they may be considerate, they may be charming and flirtatious. But, they MOST LIKELY aren't forging a dynamic with the originator's wife, beyond mutual attraction and sex.

 

But, you know what? I can insist all I want and I could be wrong. She should give it a try. Call one, or both up, and try to schedule a non-sexual friend's night. I would be very interested to hear the outcome.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Howdy all. Wifes about ready to quit playing with new people and just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex. Is it to much to ask for the guy to text or call sometimes about random stuff? Does it always have to be about sex? Looking for people that are friends first then fuck buddies. People that you can just go out to dinner with occasionally without expecting to end up in the sack....

 

I like sharing her, whether I watch or not. Plus I have a gf's. Easier to find couples than single women.

 

I'm confused, grabbyzz, by how your statements are worded.

 

Who is your wife not happy with?

 

What does your second statement have to do with the concerns you mention in your opening statement?

 

LM

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Sorry, I stand by my statement and you are trying to twist it.

 

No need to apologize for standing by your statement. But I am not twisting anything. The language of your first post was absolute, and frankly, pretty negative toward SM's. Our experience has not been as dismal.

 

In your second post you use qualifiers several times; most, MOST LIKELY, usually, etc. I certainly wouldn't argue with your point that many SM's, perhaps even most, are as you describe them. But is certainly not universal.

[incommunicado 228]

No need to apologize for standing by your statement. But I am not twisting anything. The language of your first post was absolute, and frankly, pretty negative toward SM's. Our experience has not been as dismal.

 

In your second post you use qualifiers several times; most, MOST LIKELY, usually, etc. I certainly wouldn't argue with your point that many SM's, perhaps even most, are as you describe them. But is certainly not universal.

 

I'm not suggesting that most experiences are negative, or that they have been anything but perfect gentlemen. Let me ask you though... are you genuine friends with any of the straight males you have experienced? Do you hang out and watch TV, go to a game or movie, double date with them, or whatever else vanilla friends would do? Do you regularly have non sex related conversations with them? Is the sex secondary or tertiary to your friendship with them? Because that's how I interpreted the originators question. That his wife wants that kind of dynamic. It would be interesting to learn how that has worked for different folks.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex. Is it to much to ask for the guy to text or call sometimes about random stuff?

 

Is the sex secondary or tertiary to your friendship with them? Because that's how I interpreted the originators question.

 

That is not at all how I interpreted his post. She simply desires that every conversation not be about sex. That "sometimes" they call about "random stuff."

 

Let me ask you though... are you genuine friends with any of the straight males you have experienced? Do you hang out and watch TV, go to a game or movie, double date with them, or whatever else vanilla friends would do?

 

To the same extent that we do with couples or single females in the lifestyle? Yes. My time is roughly broken down into four broad non overlapping categories where I spend my time. In descending order; family, work, friends, swinging. The vast majority of my time is spent with family and working. I see my vanilla friends on average once or twice a month. And swinging, including friends there, less than that. But we do occasionally have vanilla time with swinging friends, including single males. We might get together from dinner or drinks knowing full well that a friendly kiss on the cheek and hug will be as close as things get to sex for the evening.

 

Do you regularly have non sex related conversations with them?

 

Absolutely.

 

I would say there a a few categories of single guys (and couples for that matter) we converse with.

1. The guys that call, pm, chat, where the entire conversation is only about sex, every time. It can be annoying, and I think that is part of what the OP is about.

2. The ones that drop the occasional hello email or pm and leave it at that. When we contact them, the conversation is usually only about sex.

3. The guys that leave it to us to contact them when she is ready to play. We almost never hear from them until we contact them wanting to play.

4. The ones that we converse with on all manner of topics. Sometimes sex is involved sometimes not.

 

We are good with all of those categories except the first. It does get old frequently hearing from a guy and that all they talk about is sex. It's not even that it is only about sex, but that it is frequent and only about sex.

 

Now maybe they are all like that guy, but the others are just smart enough to put on an act. But I prefer to believe that they are genuine and I think my wife and are both good at telling when it is an act and when its not.

 

In fact the last conversation I had with a single male was this last week. He pm'ed me (I am always on the computer involving my work) and he was asking how my father-in-law was doing, he has been ill. He also asked how my wife was holding up. Not once did he bring up sex. The closest thing was toward the end when I mentioned that we both wanted to get out and play but have not had time between my work and our family. He said he was sorry to hear that and that I needed to get out and get laid. (Knowing that meant a couple and not him). He did add that if we decided to do a MFM, keep him in mind.

 

So yes, the is absolutely the possibility to have conversations with single males that do not revolve or even include the topic of sex.

 

If I read the OP correctly, his wife would like to find more single males like that.

[incommunicado 228]

That is not at all how I interpreted his post. She simply desires that every conversation not be about sex. That "sometimes" they call about "random stuff."

 

 

 

To the same extent that we do with couples or single females in the lifestyle? Yes. My time is roughly broken down into four broad non overlapping categories where I spend my time. In descending order; family, work, friends, swinging. The vast majority of my time is spent with family and working. I see my vanilla friends on average once or twice a month. And swinging, including friends there, less than that. But we do occasionally have vanilla time with swinging friends, including single males. We might get together from dinner or drinks knowing full well that a friendly kiss on the cheek and hug will be as close as things get to sex for the evening.

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

I would say there a a few categories of single guys (and couples for that matter) we converse with.

1. The guys that call, pm, chat, where the entire conversation is only about sex, every time. It can be annoying, and I think that is part of what the OP is about.

2. The ones that drop the occasional hello email or pm and leave it at that. When we contact them, the conversation is usually only about sex.

3. The guys that leave it to us to contact them when she is ready to play. We almost never hear from them until we contact them wanting to play.

4. The ones that we converse with on all manner of topics. Sometimes sex is involved sometimes not.

 

We are good with all of those categories except the first. It does get old frequently hearing from a guy and that all they talk about is sex. It's not even that it is only about sex, but that it is frequent and only about sex.

 

Now maybe they are all like that guy, but the others are just smart enough to put on an act. But I prefer to believe that they are genuine and I think my wife and are both good at telling when it is an act and when its not.

 

In fact the last conversation I had with a single male was this last week. He pm'ed me (I am always on the computer involving my work) and he was asking how my father-in-law was doing, he has been ill. He also asked how my wife was holding up. Not once did he bring up sex. The closest thing was toward the end when I mentioned that we both wanted to get out and play but have not had time between my work and our family. He said he was sorry to hear that and that I needed to get out and get laid. (Knowing that meant a couple and not him). He did add that if we decided to do a MFM, keep him in mind.

 

So yes, the is absolutely the possibility to have conversations with single males that do not revolve or even include the topic of sex.

 

If I read the OP correctly, his wife would like to find more single males like that.

 

Wow. You've put a lot of thought into this. You know, I never said it was impossible. Just highly unlikely, especially if that was not the foundation on which their relationship was initially based. And, I don't think I'm the only one to suggest this.

 

If I may ask, is this notably thoughtful single male you associate with, someone you met through lifestyle resources, who began, essentially, as a bed partner and later became a friend? Or is this someone who you knew, or got to know, for a while before he was invited into the bedroom? We have male friends like this, but our relationships to them stretch back well over 10 years before we ever played together. So, the friendship really is the foundation of the relationship.

 

I can understand a woman wanting to be sure than her husband wants her for more than just sex.

 

As someone who prefers "friends first", when it comes to our guests, I can understand ANYONE, male or female, wanting more than just mere carnality from their bed partners.

 

I even think it's certainly worth a try, asking the guys she has chosen as her playmates, if they want to be buds. She just shouldn't be too surprised or disappointed if she has to look down other paths to achieve this.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Howdy all. Wifes about ready to quit playing with new people and just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex. Is it to much to ask for the guy to text or call sometimes about random stuff? Does it always have to be about sex? Looking for people that are friends first then fuck buddies. People that you can just go out to dinner with occasionally without expecting to end up in the sack....

 

 

Most couples would not want a single guy to text or call about random stuff... it begins crossing a line that starts to feel like the guy is interested in the wife for more than just sex (which is exactly what you evidently want). However, most would worry that crossing that line would lead the guy to have feelings and therefore he might try to "steal" your wife or she might have feelings back and things might become more than just a swinging relationship.

 

Perhaps what you really want is a Poly type relationship with a single guy?

 

Whatever the case, I think in order to get what you want you have to be upfront with the guy and tell him what you want. If the single guys is familiar with swinging he's not likely to just call or text your wife randomly as to him that would be crossing a line and would be a disrespect to YOU. So, if that's something you want you need to tell him/them.

 

That said, if a single guy is doing that on his own without you telling him, I'd be worried about his intentions. Just sayin...

[magnum 78]

Howdy all. Wifes about ready to quit playing with new people and just stick to the 2 guys she has because she wants someone that will talk to her about other things besides sex. Is it to much to ask for the guy to text or call sometimes about random stuff? Does it always have to be about sex? Looking for people that are friends first then fuck buddies. People that you can just go out to dinner with occasionally without expecting to end up in the sack....

 

Interesting question you pose. The couple play with, the husband would like me to call his wife more offten and talk sex with her. I have been told I need to get more dirty with her. Some times I find it diffecult, she does not seem like the nasty type. We do other things together besides sex, although the husband would like it if I fucked his wife daily.

 

I would say that is not impossible to find a male playmate and friend,

[MN Tom 251]

From our limited experience, it's like anything else, some people are chattier than others.

 

And to be honest at times we want it (and cultivate it) that way. There are some people we have played with that we have little to no desire to chat with outside of play. Scheduling and play is it, very little chat.

 

And then there are other people that we chat with much more, we talk about all sorts of topics besides play.

 

Both parties have to be willing to talk about more than play for it to happen, and both parties have to feel like talking about more than play also.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

If I may ask, is this notably thoughtful single male you associate with, someone you met through lifestyle resources, who began, essentially, as a bed partner and later became a friend? Or is this someone who you knew, or got to know, for a while before he was invited into the bedroom?

 

As someone who prefers "friends first", when it comes to our guests, I can understand ANYONE, male or female, wanting more than just mere carnality from their bed partners.

 

I even think it's certainly worth a try, asking the guys she has chosen as her playmates, if they want to be buds. She just shouldn't be too surprised or disappointed if she has to look down other paths to achieve this.

 

We met both single males I was referring to through the lifestyle.

 

When we started out we were very much into friends first situation. We made that clear in our profile. So the guys knew up front that this would not be just a booty call, there would need to be chemistry with both of us. One of them we have know for over a year and the other about 9-10 months.

 

Let me clear something up though. I don't want or do I consider them buds per se. We just wanted (past tense) them to be somewhere between booty call and buddies. We met a number of guys online more than willing to be sex partners for my wife, but many just did not cut the mustard for various reasons. Some because they were not genuine and others because all they could talk about was sex, that got boring for the wife, and myself. And others for various reason did not become partners.

 

These two are at least smart enough, although we both think it is genuine, to at least have conversations that do not pertain to sex. They let my wife take the lead on moving the conversation to sex. Yes, she likes to talk about sex, but if that is all the other guy wants to talk about then it gets boring for her, she prefers, requires even, some intellectual stimulation as well.

 

They also understand the she and I are a partnership, if you want to be with her you need to have my blessing, so they are active in conversing with me as well. We have had guys that attempt to be that way but usually falter quickly, making it clear they only playing along to get laid. And sometimes that is fine, they just hold my wife's attention for a shorter time. Again, the biggest sex organ is the brain.

 

You noticed I said past tense in parenthesis above. That is because as we have "matured" into the lifestyle we have learned what we mean by "friends first" and what others mean can be vastly different, as it is with many definitions in the LS. What we are looking for is people, couples and singles, that there is a chemistry with and not just physical attraction, which is what many we have found mean by chemistry.

 

By chemistry we mean someone that we can have a conversation with that does not always pertain to sex, that we can occasionally have dinner and drinks where sex is not the ultimate goal or outcome. We have de-emphasized the "friends first" stance because we have found that many people want the friendship portion to be 80-90% of the relationship.

 

Think of it as opportunity cost. We have limited time. Work and managing our lives/family are things we MUST do, our highest priority of what we want to spend the rest of the time on is quality time with family. Since we cannot short shrift the work/management responsibilities and WILL NOT sort shrift spending quality time with the family that leave little time for vanilla friends and less for swinging. So we put less emphasis on the "friends first" portion of swinging and more on the sex part.

 

If we are lucky we get to spend a few hours a month swinging. IF WE ARE LUCKY. We have realized that we would much rather spend the majority of that time having sex rather than having dinner and drinks. Not 100% mind you, but somewhere between 60-80% rather than 10-20%. So we are gradually moving the friendship part down the list and replacing the concept with chemistry. Maybe when we can retire or cut way back on work we will want to spend a greater percentage on the friendship part, maybe not

[sweet_tna 680]

Wow. You've put a lot of thought into this. You know, I never said it was impossible. Just highly unlikely, especially if that was not the foundation on which their relationship was initially based. And, I don't think I'm the only one to suggest this.

 

If I may ask, is this notably thoughtful single male you associate with, someone you met through lifestyle resources, who began, essentially, as a bed partner and later became a friend? Or is this someone who you knew, or got to know, for a while before he was invited into the bedroom? We have male friends like this, but our relationships to them stretch back well over 10 years before we ever played together. So, the friendship really is the foundation of the relationship.

 

I can understand a woman wanting to be sure than her husband wants her for more than just sex.

 

As someone who prefers "friends first", when it comes to our guests, I can understand ANYONE, male or female, wanting more than just mere carnality from their bed partners.

 

I even think it's certainly worth a try, asking the guys she has chosen as her playmates, if they want to be buds. She just shouldn't be too surprised or disappointed if she has to look down other paths to achieve this.

 

I've been following your debate with Coupleerotic22 here, and have found it very interesting. Initially, my response to the OP would have been that most SM's that "get it" probably won't be interested in anything beyond the booty call aspect of things. And that may well still be true. But then I had to give consideration to my own experience, and I'm happy to say I DO have an honest-to-goodness friendship (where we see each other for non-swinging activities and talk about "general stuff"). with a single male playmate.

 

And yes, I met this SM through the lifestyle, though he wasn't a SM at the time. Does that fact make a difference? Perhaps, but it doesn't change what is.

 

That said, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this type of experience. I think in the OP's case, his wife needs to let the guys know what it is she does want from them. If the guys are in question as to whether it's okay, they should ask the OP for confirmation. They may not be interested in that, and I agree she should be prepared for that outcome, as well. In this vein, I understand your suggestion that another couple might better provide the friendship aspect the OP's wife may be seeking. We are blessed to have quite a few playmates who are genuinely friends, and with whom we do vanilla things.

 

=)

[grybear 16]

Yes - freinds with intelegent conversation and like intrests in hobbies make casual sex a lot more interesting - kinda more natural -- several of my sex partners were people I worked with - yes sexual harasment could have gotten me fired if I was not so carefull in my choices - also customers in the stores - yes I was the horny guy in the produce dept. - also I have had a couple encounters will out camping/fishing - yes life is good.

Grybear