Complimenting Other Women But Not the Mrs.?

[Crosswords 92]

My husband and I have a problem that seems simple enough on its surface, but apparently is not. We have been married for seven years, together nine. Overall, we have an amazing relationship. We love each other completely, and both believe that we are soul mates. We have a connection that I have never experienced or even seen in another couple.

 

He has never been one to compliment me much, particularly physically. When asked, he says that he does think I'm physically attractive, but it seems excruciatingly difficult for him to initiate any compliments to me. I am a pretty confident woman, but the absence of what seems to be a fairly normal part of a relationship has hurt me and made me question his attraction to me, in spite of knowing that he loves me and that we have a wonderful sex life. I do compliment him frequently about his appearance, his sexiness, his abilities, his personality, and a host of other things.

 

This issue has always bothered me, and it is one that has surfaced periodically during our marriage. However, we started exploring swinging a few months ago and have had a couple of wonderful experiences, and swinging seems to have brought the issue into higher relief. For some reason, he is able to compliment women we are playing with, saying things to them that I would love for him to say to me. Like most people, I have a few bodily insecurities, and it doesn't help that many of his compliments to others have focused on the parts of their bodies that are problem areas for me. I am repeatedly left feeling hurt and questioning his attraction to me.

 

He has never really understood why this is so difficult for him. He has tried to verbalize the comments that he knows I need, but his efforts (which I do greatly appreciate when they happen, and I tell him so) are shortlived and usually require me reminding him. (I.e., "is there anything nice you want to say to me?")

 

I thought I would be too jealous to even try swinging. However, during our experiences so far, I have experienced far less jealousy than I had expected, and I think our explorations are going well. We've done two soft swaps and are eager to have more fun and go further. However, I've been very uncomfortable with him chatting with our swing partners online, and it bothers me when he compliments women in person or on chat. I feel that what jealousy I do experience could be much reduced if we could resolve our compliment issue. I do not want to stop swinging, but when he compliments other women and continues not complimenting me, it creates some negative feelings for me about our explorations.

 

Just telling him to compliment me more will not work. He wants badly to give me what I'm asking for, but for some reason can't bring himself to do it consistently.

 

After a great deal of soul searching, he has come to a realization that his reticence may be rooted in a fear of abandonment. That is, he fears that if he compliments me and says what he thinks of my appearance, sexiness, etc., I will realize I can do better than him and I will leave him. I have reassured him that this is absolutely not the case, but it is an irrational and deeply rooted fear. I have also let him know that the times I feel most vulnerable to developing emotional connections with others are the times when he is not verbalizing his attraction to me, but other men are.

 

We have discussed couples therapy, but have been unable to find a sex-positive therapist in our area. In addition, my husband's schedule makes therapy appointments impossible to plan, as he usually doesn't know his schedule at work until the day before.

 

Does anyone have any insight into this matter? We would appreciate any thoughts or ideas that might help. Thanks for reading this long post.

[Alura 2,774]

Hi, Crosswinds! Thanks for the great question. There will be many other comments from experienced and caring folks.

 

Perhaps you can teach by example. Compliment him more than you usually do. Try to pick out specific traits and begin your remark by saying, "Thank you for being so ...! It's one of the things that make me love you so much." When y'all are talking about another couple, try saying "You're much more handsome than he." Keep doing it until he responds in kind.

 

Say, "I love you." twice as much as you do now. As he gets used to hearing it from you, it'll be easier for him.

 

Kiss him several times a day with kisses that last at least ten seconds. Yes, count. At first that will seem like a long time but as both of you get used to it, it will become second nature.

 

Good luck to both of you!

 

Alura

[ViSexual 1,008]

What an interesting post. And, an interesting situation too.

 

Alura had a great suggestion but I think he overlooked where you wrote that you already do compliment your husband often now.

 

I've known guys that have trouble saying "I love you" and this is probably something similar to that. But those guys don't say it to other women either so it is different.

 

OK, now this may seem silly but, try both of you writing down one feature about each other that you especially like. Then, when you're both relaxed and have some free time with each other, read what you wrote to each other and talk about that feature and why you like it so much.

 

Now this might be a physical feature or a personality trait or even a gesture.

 

Then center your sex with each other for that evening on these two features. For example, if he says your eyes then keep eye contact the whole time your making love.

 

OK, if it seems to work then do it other evenings too with other features.

 

This way you and he will find out what features you have that are especially attractive to him. And, he just might be more comfortable pointing them out.

 

When he meets someone new he sees the features that gets his attention and he comments on them. Maybe he's simply not remembering the features of yours that turned him on to you so much when you first met?

 

Anyway, it does sound like you have a pretty special relationship other than the one flaw of his.

[Alura 2,774]

I did notice that she compliments him now, ViSexual. My suggestion was that she "up the ante" a bit in compliments and other things which might help.

 

Sorry for being unclear.

 

One other thought: In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said one should "...give honest, sincere appreciation." I think that's key in marriage, too, and can "rub off" on the other person.

 

Alura

[sexcupid 809]

After a great deal of soul searching, he has come to a realization that his reticence may be rooted in a fear of abandonment. That is, he fears that if he compliments me and says what he thinks of my appearance, sexiness, etc., I will realize I can do better than him and I will leave him.

 

Let's look at this from another angle: by not complimenting you, he could drive you away...yes, you have assured him that it won't, but you also admit to being vulnerable when other men compliment you and he is complimenting other women when all you really want to hear is a genuine compliment from your hubby. Worst case scenario, you leave him...then we have a self fulfilling prophecy..."see I knew one of these days she would realize she was too good for me". Was there a time in his life when something like that happened?

 

And honestly, how satisfied do you feel having to prompt and then finally get a compliment? It sort of reminds me of trying to teach my kids manners: "what do you say" please/thank you/whatever. Yes, training him to give compliments may be necessary if it is something he is unfamiliar doing...but it doesn't seem like it is something he can't do (since he can do so without prompting from other women).

 

Have you asked him what his intentions are when complimenting another woman? What about how he feels when you compliment him?

 

We have discussed couples therapy, but have been unable to find a sex-positive therapist in our area. In addition, my husband's schedule makes therapy appointments impossible to plan, as he usually doesn't know his schedule at work until the day before.

 

It sounds like this is not necessarily a swinging related issue and could be restated in a manner that the LS stuff not really have to be disclosed until you get a feel for the therapist. "My husband has no problems complimenting other women, but I have to prompt him to compliment me". Although IMO he may find more benefit in individual sessions to start with.

 

Also...it is easy to make excuses not to do something. If it is important, time will be found or made for it...whatever 'it' is for you...family, hobbies, exercise, personal wellness.

[slevin 1,374]

I did notice that she compliments him now, ViSexual. My suggestion was that she "up the ante" a bit in compliments and other things which might help.

 

Sorry for being unclear.

 

One other thought: In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said one should "...give honest, sincere appreciation." I think that's key in marriage, too, and can "rub off" on the other person.

 

Alura

 

An alternative to complimenting more might be to compliment less. Remove the boost that you give to him and see how he reacts to that. It would be interesting to see if not getting regular compliments has any effect on him. If he doesn't even notice and it doesn't bother him then it explains why he is not concerned about complimenting you. If he notices that you stopped perhaps it will help him appreciate how you feel.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

An alternative to complimenting more might be to compliment less. Remove the boost that you give to him and see how he reacts to that. It would be interesting to see if not getting regular compliments has any effect on him. If he doesn't even notice and it doesn't bother him then it explains why he is not concerned about complimenting you. If he notices that you stopped perhaps it will help him appreciate how you feel.

I agree with trying this approach. I see no point in complimenting him more.

 

He has tried to verbalize the comments that he knows I need, but his efforts (which I do greatly appreciate when they happen, and I tell him so) are shortlived and usually require me reminding him. (I.e., "is there anything nice you want to say to me?")

The statement I made bold would not set right with me if it were used on me. I would resist giving a compliment if I were approached that way. It sounds like nagging and men don't usually respond positively to nagging.

 

As sexcupid said, your husband knows how to compliment because he has no problem complimenting other women, but he has decided--for whatever reason--not to compliment you. There are some men who only compliment women as a means to gain something for themselves, and in this case he is attempting to get sex from other women.

 

Did he compliment you before you married? If he did, I would say he was using the compliments to get you to be his wife. And you married him. He got what he wanted.

 

Did he not compliment you before you married? If he didn't, and being complimented is important to you, why did you marry him?

 

I am also curious to know what prompted you to start swinging and who brought the subject up?

 

I have also let him know that the times I feel most vulnerable to developing emotional connections with others are the times when he is not verbalizing his attraction to me, but other men are.

This was a very good thing to say to him. If my spouse said this to me it would have a huge impact on me. I'd realize the severity of the situation and I'd take action. I'd change.

 

If your husband didn't understand you or that message didn't get through, he needs to hear it again.

 

I feel for you.

 

LM

[lizandtom 512]

For some reason, he is able to compliment women we are playing with, saying things to them that I would love for him to say to me. Like most people, I have a few bodily insecurities, and it doesn't help that many of his compliments to others have focused on the parts of their bodies that are problem areas for me. I am repeatedly left feeling hurt and questioning his attraction to me.

 

Having only heard one side of the situation, I'd like to ask what particular body parts are you referring to, and if you could describe them and what you feel apprehensive about. Are they something you could work on to feel better about yourself? My wife see's other guys who work their abs into a 6 pack and it's an attraction point, understandably so; I have a few extra lbs there and it's more like a mini Heineken keg, and don't really work at it so therefore would not expect my wife to compliment me on something where it's not deserving.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Hey Tom,

Now that's funny about the keg! I've often thought that a cool body painting for a man at Fantasy Fest or Mardi Gras would be a twelve pack of beer painted on the abs! LOL!

I've often said that I have twelve-pack abs!

[Crosswords 92]

Thanks for all the ideas. Alura, I agree that “honest, sincere appreciation” is important in marriage. That’s a nice way to put it.

 

I have previously tried complimenting him both more and less, with no results.

 

ViSexual: I like the idea of writing down things we like about each other and centering our lovemaking on that feature. It sounds fun, whether or not it results in the verbal compliments I want.

 

Worst case scenario, you leave him...then we have a self fulfilling prophecy..."see I knew one of these days she would realize she was too good for me". Was there a time in his life when something like that happened?

 

Without going into detail, my husband does have severe abandonment issues that stem from his childhood.

 

And honestly, how satisfied do you feel having to prompt and then finally get a compliment?

 

You are right that prompting him isn’t ideal, but the compliments that result are sincere. Our hope was that in giving me compliments with prompting, he would become better able to give me those types of compliments without prompting.

 

Have you asked him what his intentions are when complimenting another woman? What about how he feels when you compliment him?

 

When he compliments other women in swinging situations, he says he is just trying to get them into bed. And he isn’t emotionally invested, so he doesn’t worry about abandonment.

 

When I compliment him, he says he kind of likes it but also feels a little embarrassed.

 

It sounds like this is not necessarily a swinging related issue and could be restated in a manner that the LS stuff not really have to be disclosed until you get a feel for the therapist.

 

I know what you are saying about this not being a swinging related issue, but I fear that if we tried to leave swinging out of it, the therapist would delve into why he was complimenting other women like that to begin with, leading us to spend a lot of useless time on infidelity issues instead of the subject at hand.

 

Also...it is easy to make excuses not to do something. If it is important, time will be found or made for it...whatever 'it' is for you...family, hobbies, exercise, personal wellness.

 

My husband is a doctor whose schedule changes up until five or later the day before. We honestly can’t predict whether we will be able to make an appointment until the day before. We don't tend to make excuses not to do things: we both work out, spend time with the kids, find time for hobbies, etc. But making an appointment, particularly a recurring one, is a challenge.

 

The statement I made bold would not set right with me if it were used on me. I would resist giving a compliment if I were approached that way. It sounds like nagging and men don't usually respond positively to nagging.

 

I suppose the statement does sound like nagging in print. However, I say it in a flirtatious way, often while rubbing against him suggestively. He says he has never experienced it as nagging.

 

Did he compliment you before you married? If he did, I would say he was using the compliments to get you to be his wife. And you married him. He got what he wanted.

 

Did he not compliment you before you married? If he didn't, and being complimented is important to you, why did you marry him?

 

He complimented me before we were married, but not as frequently as I would’ve liked. However, even though it’s a moot point, I’m a little surprised that you think him not complimenting me would alone be enough reason not to marry him. With the incredibleness of our relationship overall, it would’ve taken a much greater issue to make me reconsider marrying him.

 

I am also curious to know what prompted you to start swinging and who brought the subject up?

 

He brought up swinging because he was feeling attracted to other women and wanted to explore my previously unexplored bi side together. After going to some strip clubs together, we both wanted to take things further. Since then I’ve taken the lead of finding couples and setting up dates. At this point, I'd say we're equally involved and invested.

 

Having only heard one side of the situation, I'd like to ask what particular body parts are you referring to, and if you could describe them and what you feel apprehensive about. Are they something you could work on to feel better about yourself? My wife see's other guys who work their abs into a 6 pack and it's an attraction point, understandably so; I have a few extra lbs there and it's more like a mini Heineken keg, and don't really work at it so therefore would not expect my wife to compliment me on something where it's not deserving.

 

The main body area I have issues with are my breasts. They’re very large and I dislike that they sag. However, he (when asked) says he loves them. The men (and women!) we’ve swung with have been very complimentary, surprising me greatly, sometimes saying they are their favorite part of my body. So I guess it’s a personal insecurity. Regardless, there’s not much I can do about the sagginess without surgery. But it does hurt when my husband tells other women how great their breasts are.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

He complimented me before we were married, but not as frequently as I would’ve liked. However, even though it’s a moot point, I’m a little surprised that you think him not complimenting me would alone be enough reason not to marry him. With the incredibleness of our relationship overall, it would’ve taken a much greater issue to make me reconsider marrying him.

I asked because I wanted to hear what you would say. I was hoping you'd say what you did.

 

When a single issue about a couple's relationship is brought here, it can seem bigger than it is. It is one small part of your working relationship. You know this, but I wanted to hear it from you.

 

With all the wonderful, good things that you can say about your husband, maybe this one aspect of his character can be tolerated. The inclusion of swinging has brought the compliment issue to the forefront. In time, I think you will feel more comfortable hearing your husband give other women compliments. And, if he hears men giving you compliments and sees how you respond to those men, your husband may find giving you compliments becomes easier.

 

I'm glad you joined the Swingers Board.

 

LM

[Alura 2,774]

Sorry, folks! I just don't think punishment is going to improve the situation.

 

Alura

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Sorry, folks! I just don't think punishment is going to improve the situation.

 

Alura

I see now what has concerned you.

 

For me, not complimenting him more, or holding off complimenting for a while, would not be done to punish. I would do it to see if changing my pattern may have an influence on his pattern. If I found it didn't make things better I would return to my usual behavior of giving genuine compliments.

 

On a personal note, if I stopped complimenting my husband it would be very difficult for me to do because I am so used to it. I give him compliments daily--without a prior thought--it comes so naturally. It would feel odd to hold back compliments, but I would be willing to give it a try to see if something could be improved in our relationship. This would be a test, and tried for only a reasonable period of time.

 

LM

[Crosswords 92]

I asked because I wanted to hear what you would say. I was hoping you'd say what you did.

 

When a single issue about a couple's relationship is brought here, it can seem bigger than it is. It is one small part of your working relationship. You know this, but I wanted to hear it from you.

 

With all the wonderful, good things that you can say about your husband, maybe this one aspect of his character can be tolerated. The inclusion of swinging has brought the compliment issue to the forefront. In time, I think you will feel more comfortable hearing your husband give other women compliments. And, if he hears men giving you compliments and sees how you respond to those men, your husband may find giving you compliments becomes easier.

 

I'm glad you joined the Swingers Board.

 

LM

 

Thanks, LM. We do indeed have a wonderful relationship, and we love each other deeply. This problem is a small thing. I don't know about just tolerating it, though. That is what I've been doing for years, but it's really getting in the way since we started swinging. Things bother me that otherwise wouldn't, and I find myself feeling emotionally drawn to men who compliment me, in ways that I'm not sure are appropriate. Please understand, it's not that I would consider leaving or cheating on my husband, but I'd rather not feel emotionally drawn to play partners in this way, and we both feel sure this issue is at the root of it.

 

Since my original post, he has begun trying a new strategy of calling me pet names that signify certain compliments. He's comfortable with pet names, so he's using that as a way to work into giving me compliments. I know what each pet name means, so I'm enjoying his efforts, and it seems to be working for him. Hopefully once this is more of a habit, we can take things up another level.

 

I'm still open to any ideas you guys might have.

 

Crosswords

[Alura 2,774]

Well, LM, I'm sure Laura would have agreed with me that it's easy to come up with a myriad of compliments for both you and your husband. Among them would be physical attractiveness, sense of humor, and minds like steel traps!

 

I'm just a hick Okie, but it seems to me Mrs. Crosswords has failed to impress her husband with her need for compliments from him. He's a doctor, for Mother Earth's sake! Surely he's smart enough to get the idea! Somewhere in his psyche lies the reason for his reluctance. It needs to be found, then he needs to work on eliminating the demons causing it.

 

Practice makes improvement.

 

Alura

[Alura 2,774]

Since my original post, he has begun trying a new strategy of calling me pet names that signify certain compliments. He's comfortable with pet names, so he's using that as a way to work into giving me compliments. I know what each pet name means, so I'm enjoying his efforts, and it seems to be working for him. Hopefully once this is more of a habit, we can take things up another level.

 

Right on, Mrs. Crosswords! What a great idea! I think y'all are on your way!

 

Alura

[sexcupid 809]

Since my original post, he has begun trying a new strategy of calling me pet names that signify certain compliments. He's comfortable with pet names, so he's using that as a way to work into giving me compliments. I know what each pet name means, so I'm enjoying his efforts, and it seems to be working for him. Hopefully once this is more of a habit, we can take things up another level.

 

This is a cool compromise.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Over the years, there have been a few men who've been very informal mentors (for lack of a better word) to me in one way or another. Most of them had no idea that I held them in high esteem for a particular reason. I found myself emulating some of their actions when they seemed effective. Most of these actions became habits for me over time.

 

If there is a gentleman in your social circle that is good about complimenting his wife, you may try to spend time in that couple's company when possible, without making it looked forced. If your husband is exposed to this behavior in a positive way by someone he has a healthy regard for, he may incorporate this behavior as well.

 

Also, DO NOT point it out whenever another husband compliments his wife. Your husband really has to "get it" on his own.

 

This may not be easy, of even possible to do, but, could provide some positive results if you manage to make that connection with someone.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[Alura 2,774]

Also, make sure you know how to acknowledge a compliment. The proper answer is "Thank you, Darling!" not "Whaddaya want now?"

 

Alura

[Crosswords 92]

 

If there is a gentleman in your social circle that is good about complimenting his wife, you may try to spend time in that couple's company when possible, without making it looked forced. If your husband is exposed to this behavior in a positive way by someone he has a healthy regard for, he may incorporate this behavior as well.

 

Also, DO NOT point it out whenever another husband compliments his wife. Your husband really has to "get it" on his own.

 

This may not be easy, of even possible to do, but, could provide some positive results if you manage to make that connection with someone.

 

Best of luck to you both!

 

Good idea! Most of the couples we know in our vanilla life don't necessarily compliment each other much in front of us, although in talking with their wives, I know they do give compliments. The most compliments we hear are in swinging situations. Hopefully hearing those will help eventually as we swing more. ;-)

 

Also, make sure you know how to acknowledge a compliment. The proper answer is "Thank you, Darling!" not "Whaddaya want now?"

 

Alura

 

Oh, I'm good at accepting compliments. I always give him a smile and a "Thank you, Honey!" usually followed by "I love you!"

 

I'm just a hick Okie, but it seems to me Mrs. Crosswords has failed to impress her husband with her need for compliments from him. He's a doctor, for Mother Earth's sake! Surely he's smart enough to get the idea! Somewhere in his psyche lies the reason for his reluctance. It needs to be found, then he needs to work on eliminating the demons causing it.

 

Practice makes improvement.

 

Alura

 

I asked my husband if he was sufficiently impressed, and he said he is, no further impression necessary. I think intellectually he gets it completely. You are correct that it's buried in his psyche.

 

But he is doing quite well with the pet names! So far so good. Maybe in a few weeks? months? we can ramp up to more verbalized compliments.

 

Mrs. C.

[Alura 2,774]

It seems to me that this situation is improving by leaps and bounds, Mrs. C! I see a wonderful future for y'all!

 

Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I see swinging as a very dangerous thing in this situation. As you said the times you feel most vulnerable to attraction to others is when he's not complimenting you but others are (you are attracted to that thing which you are missing). This is pretty much always the case with infidelity, it's not about cheating so much as seeing/finding what you are missing (sometimes you don't even know you are missing it). The good news is that you both recognize this and you can work on it together.

 

If you don't have time/ don't feel that counseling is an option, would he be willing to read a book with you? If so, I would suggest picking up/ ordering a copy of "Communication Miracles for Couples" by Jonathan Robinson. Read it together, and discuss each chapter together after you read it. Even if he won't read it, I'd suggest you getting it and doing what is suggested as it can make a world of difference.

 

Also, if you haven't read it, read the book that Alura mentioned.

 

 

One other thought: In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said one should "...give honest, sincere appreciation." I think that's key in marriage, too, and can "rub off" on the other person.

 

Alura

 

Alura - I'm so glad you mentioned this, wasn't it this same book where he told the story about the couple where the husband had decided he wanted a divorce and the wife convinced him to wait 90 days (or vice versa). In the meantime she began treating him the way she wanted to be treated, instead of how she had been treating him (expecting him to change) and by the end of the 90 days it was like he'd forgotten he'd ever said he wanted to leave? I can't remember, it may have been the book I mentioned above, but I want to say it was Carnagie.

[Alura 2,774]

Alura - I'm so glad you mentioned this, wasn't it this same book where he told the story about the couple where the husband had decided he wanted a divorce and the wife convinced him to wait 90 days (or vice versa). In the meantime she began treating him the way she wanted to be treated, instead of how she had been treating him (expecting him to change) and by the end of the 90 days it was like he'd forgotten he'd ever said he wanted to leave? I can't remember, it may have been the book I mentioned above, but I want to say it was Carnagie.

 

It's been so long since I read that book, Julie, that I don't remember that particular part. It does sound like something Carnegie would have written and excellent advice to all of us.

 

Alura

[Crosswords 92]

If you don't have time/ don't feel that counseling is an option, would he be willing to read a book with you? If so, I would suggest picking up/ ordering a copy of "Communication Miracles for Couples" by Jonathan Robinson. Read it together, and discuss each chapter together after you read it. Even if he won't read it, I'd suggest you getting it and doing what is suggested as it can make a world of difference.

 

Ordered it. Thanks for the suggestion!

 

Also, if you haven't read it, read the book that Alura mentioned.

 

I've read that one. That (and others like it) are what inspired one of my (failed unfortunately) attempts to inspire him.

 

However, he's still using the pet names! And I love it.

 

Thanks for continued great ideas, everyone!

[JM153 346]

Sounds like you may be well on your way to solving the problem by his using pet names. Congratulations. I do have a couple of thoughts that have not been expressed by others:

 

On counseling - I agree a sex positive and open counselor would be my requirement as well. Now the scheduling part could be an insurmountable obstacle, but your in a major city and I am sure there are many qualified sex therapists who can aid you. I suggest you Google sex therapists and your city to locate some candidates.

 

On your self image - we all have body parts we are self conscious about. One thing we have to do to be whole adults is come to grips with these parts and learn to accept our bodies as they are, which does not mean we do not work on improving our looks. If you were more accepting of the beauty of a mature woman's breasts complete with sagging then his failure to compliment you on your breasts would be less of an issue.

 

On his abandonment fear - again all of us have fears and part of the maturing process is to learn to come to grips with our fears. With regard to you his fear is irrational but nevertheless real to him. He has to learn that you are not his past and just because someone abandoned him in the past does not mean you will.

 

Both self image and abandonment issues are appropriate for counseling.

 

Finally, for communication to be good it has to be honest. Let's say for example that unlike me he just does not appreciate a mature woman's body. He cannot honestly say he finds breasts like your's attractive. Then he needs to be able to say that without fear of hurting you or reprisal. On the other hand if he wants you to have surgery to make your breasts more attractive to him, but you are dead set against surgery, then you need to say that without fear of losing his love or reprisal. From what you have said about your relationship there are so many more things you cherish in each other that even if you do not have a behavior change you can learn to accept these deficiencies.

[Crosswords 92]

On counseling - I agree a sex positive and open counselor would be my requirement as well. Now the scheduling part could be an insurmountable obstacle, but your in a major city and I am sure there are many qualified sex therapists who can aid you. I suggest you Google sex therapists and your city to locate some candidates.

 

Did it. I emailed some that sounded fairly open-minded. Not only could they not accommodate his schedule, but their response to my question about swinging wasn't good. I asked in a neutral way what their position on swinging was, so that they wouldn't know what answer I wanted to hear. All of them discouraged swinging and mentioned how destructive to a marriage swinging is.

 

On your self image - we all have body parts we are self conscious about. One thing we have to do to be whole adults is come to grips with these parts and learn to accept our bodies as they are, which does not mean we do not work on improving our looks. If you were more accepting of the beauty of a mature woman's breasts complete with sagging then his failure to compliment you on your breasts would be less of an issue.

 

True, although my breasts/his compliments of other women's breasts are just the most difficult issue for me because of my self-image. I am also unhappy that he doesn't compliment those parts of my being (physical and otherwise) that I have no issues with.

 

On his abandonment fear - again all of us have fears and part of the maturing process is to learn to come to grips with our fears. With regard to you his fear is irrational but nevertheless real to him. He has to learn that you are not his past and just because someone abandoned him in the past does not mean you will.

 

Yes, I think he's working on that. Just realizing why he fails to compliment me was a huge breakthrough for him.

 

Finally, for communication to be good it has to be honest. Let's say for example that unlike me he just does not appreciate a mature woman's body. He cannot honestly say he finds breasts like your's attractive. Then he needs to be able to say that without fear of hurting you or reprisal. On the other hand if he wants you to have surgery to make your breasts more attractive to him, but you are dead set against surgery, then you need to say that without fear of losing his love or reprisal. From what you have said about your relationship there are so many more things you cherish in each other that even if you do not have a behavior change you can learn to accept these deficiencies.

 

That makes sense. He says (when I ask) that he loves my breasts, and I believe him. I have considered surgery, and he has said he would support me if I decided to have surgery, but he loves them the way they are. I am still still considering surgery, but if I do that, I would like to lose 20 pounds first so that weight loss doesn't impair the results of the surgery. I'm working hard on the weight loss right now, which will be healthy in any case.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

 

Mrs. C

[JM153 346]

Hi Mrs C

Sorry you have not been able to find a therapist. I assume you looked at AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists as well as individuals that showed up in your search. A couple of other possibilities for finding a therapist who is not opposed to swinging would be the owners of any swinger clubs or groups in your area. We also have a high scale adult store that has seminars from time to time and these are usually taught by a therapist. If you have a similar store they may be able to direct you. Even if a therapist cannot be flexible enough to accommodate your husband's schedule, you might benefit from seeing a counselor about your self image and your reaction to your husband.

 

And as others have said, his complementing other woman, particularly ones he is trying to seduce is probably not an indicator of how he feels about you. The complements may not even be honest, but rather an effort to get her in the sack. Men are terrible about not complementing their wives and taking them for granted. Not a good a trait, but a common one.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- While this does not occur in my marriage, I have had this in the distant past and more than once. Typically, here's the deal: He's not complimenting you out of some absent feeling or emotion. It simply never occurs to him as a function of a relationship . He's not going to be able to change except with self-review where he decides to make the improvement. Nothing you say or do will help, except to validate the behavior when it occurs.

 

Regarding therapists: Many will see patients in the evening or on a Saturday.

[Crosswords 92]

Hi Mrs C

Sorry you have not been able to find a therapist. I assume you looked at AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists as well as individuals that showed up in your search.

 

Thanks! Someone else PM'd me with this information as well. There is one therapist listed in my area, so I'm going to look into her schedule.

 

And as others have said, his complementing other woman, particularly ones he is trying to seduce is probably not an indicator of how he feels about you. The complements may not even be honest, but rather an effort to get her in the sack. Men are terrible about not complementing their wives and taking them for granted. Not a good a trait, but a common one.

 

I do feel secure in his love for me. I actually believe that he thinks I'm pretty etc. too, but I just want and need to hear it verbalized. I actually think I have a pretty healthy self-esteem.

 

Also, I wanted to brag: on Tuesday, he forgot to take the garbage cans to the street before work. He came home to find that I'd done that, and also had secretly gone to get my clit hood pierced. He was beaming at me, and said, "You're the best wife in the whole world!" Not bad!

 

Mrs. C.