Compartmentalizing trust

[WhatisTruth 41]

So first, a story. My wife and I have been together for about 6.5 years and married for 3.5. We started swinging about six months ago and everything in that area has been dandy. However, a couple weeks ago a friend told me that my wife has been smoking behind my back. When I confronted her about it, she lied. The next day she came to me in tears admitting that she had lied, and that she has been doing it for the majority of our relationship (five of the six years).

 

She admitted she was wrong, stating that it just got to be this big awful secret that she was afraid and paralyzed by. The truth is that I could care less that she was smoking, but the lies and deceit it what really broke my heart. As far as I know, this is the only time/thing she has ever been deceitful about. When I found out, I immediately decided to take an extended break from swinging until I could get my barrings back.

 

Now, two different friends, one a swinger who knows about our LS and the other being my best friend, have both suggested that trust can be compartmentalized. Meaning, just because she lied/deceived about smoking doesn't mean I cant trust her in general. For example, I may not trust her to smoke but I can trust her to swing with other people and still be faithful.

 

Interesting.

 

Ive always believed that you either trusted a person, or you didn't. They either have your best interest in mind, or they don't. Simple as that.

 

What do you guys think?

[VegasLee 1,486]

She came clean.

 

You can dwell on it and put your life on hold or you can move on and have a good relationship with her, that is your choice.

 

As you stated, she has given you no reason to think she is lying about anything else so I see no reason personally to dwell on this and make more of it then it is.

 

You wake up tomorrow and it is a new day, use it for good and forget what happened yesterday, makes for a much easier life.

[Alura 2,774]

At least part of the reason for being deceitful was a fear of your reaction. That fear is the issue y'all need to address, not the lie itself.

 

Alura

[WhatisTruth 41]

At least part of the reason for being deceitful was a fear of your reaction. That fear is the issue y'all need to address, not the lie itself.

 

Alura

 

Yeah, I recognized that too Alura. We talked about it, and she said she was afraid of losing me. She has a low self-esteem and is constantly afraid of loosing what she has. She has a great job as a Nanny is afraid she will be unexpectedly fired, she has a great husband and is afraid he will ask for a divorce, a great home that she is afraid will be foreclosed.

 

She knows all of these fears are unwarranted, but are persistent nonetheless.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

You can also use this as an opportunity. She lied about this because of some level of fear.

 

Maybe you have something, even very small, that you have not confided to your wife. Like, "I really think your chicken soup is horrible, but I eat it because I love you." I doesn't have to be a big thing, but maybe you have one or two big ones as well.

 

Now is a good time to have a talk about putting EVERYTHING on the table. Everything you each might have kept hidden.

 

I can tell you from experience it is cathartic and completely changes your relationship, for the better, if handled properly. IF you approach it with an open mind, non judgmental and non confrontational way, you may find out a great deal of wonderful new things about your wife.

 

My wife and I had that discussion after being married for almost 20 years. Nothing devastating was there, just little miscues from 20 years of poor communication.

 

Knowing we could discuss anything lead to a much closer relationship and eventually even to swinging. She was no longer worried about thinking about "naughty thoughts," she discovered she might want to try some things and she wasn't worried about talking to me about her desires.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

The truth will set you free. I heard that somewhere before.

 

Yeah, I recognized that too Alura. We talked about it, and she said she was afraid of losing me. She has a low self-esteem and is constantly afraid of loosing what she has. She has a great job as a Nanny is afraid she will be unexpectedly fired, she has a great husband and is afraid he will ask for a divorce, a great home that she is afraid will be foreclosed.

 

She knows all of these fears are unwarranted, but are persistent nonetheless.

 

This bothers me the most. She may need some professional help. Her smoking is probably related to these fears and her not wanting to fess up to it.

 

VegasLee's advice was spot on. He speaks the truth plainly and it works. More people need to do this to make this a better world.

[sweet_tna 680]

My hubby has admitted to putting off tell me things he knows will piss me off. But he always does come clean, and it's usually that he forgot to do something I asked, or that he might have a business trip coming up for a time we already have plans. This leaves us with two issues:

 

1) His reluctance to tell me anything (which upsets me more than whatever it was he wasn't telling me)

2) My reactions that have caused him to feel this way.

 

We've talked these issues over, and are working on them. I suggest you and your wife do the same. Hopefully, you can let go and forgive her, and that will help ease some of her fears about opening up to you. Communication is essential to any good relationship, and critical if you're in the lifestyle.

[celtic239 297]

Was she smoking a Lucky Strike or crack? If it is the later, there could be a really big problem. If the former, it's not a big deal unless you're allergic to smoke. People don't normally tell the truth 24/7, hence the term "white lie".

I wonder how many times I've asked my wife after sex "was it good for you?" and didn't get the "whole truth and nothing but the truth". Was I upset, No. Was she upset, No.

[it'sso 198]

Lie about this, you'll lie about "that".

I found out my wife had been smoking for eight years after she talked me into quitting "with her" when I had never even given any thought to quitting at all.

I found out when I was looking for something in one of our suit cases while we were on a cruise in the Caribbean.

Two years later, she started having operations to clean out plugged arteries in a leg she had broken a few years before.

I'll always suspect that had she quit when she conned me into it, her leg would be fine instead of giving her constant pain.

My Opinion Only

[bjersr 49]

The big question is do you love her? If the answer is yes then forgive her and help over come this addiction. We have been married for 24 years and this is the type of thing that can bring you closer together or distroy your marriage. We all and I do mean ALL of us make mistakes. Get past this forget about it and get back to loving each other.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

As I was reading this I couldn't help but think of the movie "She's Not That Into You", one of the couples in it was dealing with the same issue (smoking) except that the guy was also just at the beginning stages of having an affair.

 

You are right, it's not the smoking, it's the lying about it, which as others have pointed out was simply out of fear of how you would react... but then that's pretty much always why we lie.

 

You were right to put swinging on hold until you get your barrings back, but it's up to you to decide whether or not you will trust her from here. I would suggest sitting her down and talking it out. Let her know that you love her no matter what and you want to start fresh, no ill will, no bad feelings. Ask her if there is anything else that she needs to tell you. Let her know that no matter what she tells you, you will love her and you will move on together from this point. And make sure she knows that in the future, you should be able to talk about anything.

 

This has to go both ways, and you have to show her that by telling her little things. Often it's the little things that matter the most and the longer we go without telling something small the easier it becomes to just not talk about it and then we forget that we never told them and it just builds and builds. If you can start fresh with telling each other all the little things right away, it will be much easier in the future and much more difficult to not tell them.

 

It's funny sometimes, something small will happen around here, perhaps and issue with friends. I know it's something Pet needs to know about but maybe I'm just not in the mood to talk that day, so I don't tell him right away. Not telling him really racks at me and drives me nuts until I do tell him - which usually occurs at the first available moment when I feel like having a conversation.

 

I've seen couples get upset because things weren't told immediately "well that happened last Tuesday, you should have told me already" and it's just not always prudent to express things that quickly. There are some things you know are going to take a conversation, and maybe you don't have time to sit down together and have that conversation right away. But, if you both know you are telling each other everything regularly, it won't matter if it was right away or next Thursday.

[WhatisTruth 41]

Thanks for all the replies guys. I very much appreciate the counsel and I'm letting your words of wisdom stew around for a bit.

 

In the meantime, what do you think about the actual idea of compartmentalizing trust?

 

As I've thought about it over the past couple days, I believe it can be compartmentalized to a degree. Mostly, i can be separated into different behaviors. I can trust that a person will be financially responsible, that they will get their work done, that they will be somewhere on time. However, lying I believe, is category unto itself. If your capable of lying to me about one thing, then your capable of lying to me about anything.

[sweet_tna 680]

Then it seems you've answered your own question.

[LFM2 1,482]

I think it depends on the population you're wanting to trust.

 

I used to work with incarcerated juveniles. For the most part, they would tell me the truth, no matter how much trouble they faced because of it. Sometimes, the same kid would lie, because she/he didn't want to deal with the hassle of me being in his/her face. I had a very hard time trusting them from then on because, well.... they lied to me. How can I believe what they ever say again.

 

Now, to my knowledge, Dave has never lied to me. By omission, maybe, but not because he purposely kept something from me. It might have been because he plain forgot about it. Eventually, he's remembered and told me. No biggie. I sometimes do the same. Is it really lying? IMHO, not really. Just forgetfulness

 

If he lied to me that he did something without really do it? Yeah, a lie, but I can get over that. Does that mean he might lie to me about something else? Yeah, but doubtful. I know his character and his is stronger than lying to me, even knowing it would make me mad or be life changing. I would still trust him with everything I have.

 

I know VegasLee sleeps soundly at night. Unlike him, sometimes I dwell on things that in the long run, mean nothing. It's just my nature, damn me. If I were more like him, (if we were all more like him) life would be more harmonious.