Is my wife swinging for all the wrong reasons?

[AsianSwirl 15]

TLDR: She's in lifestyle only because she likes pleasing her husband and fulfilling his desires.

 

Background: We got married out of high school, both virgins at the time, and have been together 15 years. Never any infidelity. She's hot as all fuck and we love each other. Sex is great, she and I do everything and fulfill each others fantasies. She wanted us to fuck in a Moon Bounce once, so I rented one and made it happen in the backyard. But I digress.

 

I thought watching her with another man would be hot, and told her that fantasy. She thought me watching her fulfill said fantasy would be a turn on for her and she was curious about other men anyway. So with some good friends, we all talked it over and then "took the plunge", so to speak, by going away for a weekend together, sharing a room, and swapping. First time for all of us and it was great.

 

I was right, I loved watching her. And of course, I enjoyed playing with my buddy's wife. It was awesome, she said it was awesome, friends said it was awesome and wanted to do more, and we have.

 

But now it seems like the novelty wore off and her curiosity has been satisfied. She says playing is "fine" and she "doesn't mind it at all" and she just wants to "make me happy". I know in my heart of hearts that she truly has no ethical or moral qualms about it and doesn't feel coerced - that's not the issue.

 

She doesn't even care about the other guy or girl, she only cares that I'm enjoying myself; she just cares that she's putting on a "good show" for me - HER WORDS! "If it makes you happy, let's do it" - again, her words!

 

Certainly married people do things for their partners all the time that they may not personally enjoy, but it makes the other so happy that they want to keep doing it - like dishes, vacuuming, watching Titanic, and going anal, but isn't this a little different?

 

Since this epiphany I have put a stop to everything, but damnit, I like the lifestyle and want to continue! And it always LOOKED like she was enjoying things, but apparently it's just an act for my benefit. If we continue to do stuff that she only wants to do because she likes "performing" for me, would that make me a royal d-bag? Help!

 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I can see three different scenarios here.

1. The first is she really does not care for the lifestyle and would get out if it were not making you happy.

2. She enjoys it, would like to stay in but it is not as exciting now as it was, but she is happy to stay in to make you happy.

3. She enjoys it more than she lets on.

 

First, stop playing immediately until you figure this out.

 

Second answer the questions above.

 

If you cannot answer which it is definitively then you two are not communicating well enough. You two need to make sure you are communicating completely, openly and truthfully. No secrets, no holding back. You can't guess on these, you need to know for a certainty. Just asking, as it appears you are doing now, will get you the answers you are getting, "it's fine," "as long as it makes you happy," etc. You need to talk to her about her feelings, what she enjoys and doesn't about the lifestyle, if she would continue if not for you.

 

Okay, let's take scenario 1 first. She is not happy, wants out, but wants to make you happy.

 

Do you love being in the lifestyle more or your wife more? If she is not enjoying it then you need to get out. Some people may argue that if she is okay with but doing it for you then it's all good. I don't subscribe to that. If she is not happy about being in the lifestyle then you should stop and focus your attentions on her. You are correct, this is different from watching Titanic, it is much more personal, it has potential risk to her physical health, and her mental health if she is unhappy about doing this.

 

Scenario 2. She likes the lifestyle, but is bored and fallen into a rut.

 

IF and ONLY IF she really enjoys being in the lifestyle but has grown board, then perhaps you two should mix things up. Maybe she is tired of this couple, maybe she wants to try some different things and is afraid to let you know. Maybe you two are just playing too frequently or she may be having some issue with you playing with another woman. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Bottom line is you two need to communicate better.

 

Scenario 3. She really likes it more than she lets on.

 

I almost left this out, because it seems unlikely. But she could just be playing coy because she dos not want to hurt your feelings or is afraid you might become jealous. Maybe her excitement really is seeing you get off. Which is fine too, but she needs to be more clear. Again you two need to communicate.

 

I suppose there is a 4th scenario. She has absolutely no feelings one way or another about having sex with someone else or you having sex with someone else. I have never met anyone that was apathetic about sex, I am sure they exist, but I would think it extremely rare. Most people enjoy it or they don't. I would still stop if that were the case and work on your marriage. Yes, it is just sex, but that level of apathy would disturb me somewhat.

[Alura 2,774]

The late Mrs. Alura once remarked to me:

 

"I admit that I was 'playing to my audience' but let me assure you that the orgasms were real!"

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I agree with Coupleerotic22. There's a very great need for direct, open, honest communication here.

 

It could be ok. It could. If she's playing because it makes you happy, and she's performing for you, that itself can be a reason why she WANTS to do it, and there's nothing wrong with that. Consider a flip scenario; I thoroughly enjoy watching my wife have sex with another man. I get vicarious pleasure from this. Is that wrong? Your wife gets pleasure from you having a good time. Is that wrong? If one is and the other isn't, why the difference?

 

What must not be present is any sense that she doesn't really want to be doing it. If she enjoys swinging, but could take it or leave it for herself, but gets pleasure from you doing it, I don't see that there is a problem...if and only if your lines of communication are wide, wide open.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Hi and welcome!

 

Are you playing with these friends exclusively? Please return to explain.

 

If your only swinging with this couple, your wife may be bored. Few people play exclusively with only one couple, especially if it is on a regular basis.

 

The solution may be as simple as finding new people to play with.

[playdays4fun 15]

LikeMinds321 said:

Are you playing with these friends exclusively? Please return to explain.

 

If your only swinging with this couple, your wife may be bored. Few people play exclusively with only one couple, especially if it is on a regular basis.

 

The solution may be as simple as finding new people to play with.

 

I agree with this. The first few times, it's all new and exciting even if the actual sex is just OK. It's very possible that she may not have mind blowing sex with this particular couple but it's OK sex and she really enjoys seeing you enjoy it.

 

I know we have had instances where, honestly, the sex is really not as good as with my own partner but the whole setting of being with others and watching my partner enjoy himself and enjoy watching me made it exciting. However, if we continued playing exclusively with just that couple, I could definitely see the excitement wearing thin. I would still do it, and it wouldn't bother me in the least, if my partner still wanted to because I love to see him turned on, but my preference would be to try something new.

 

~Ms. PD

[sweet_tna 680]

Do ya'll only play with this couple, or do you/have you played with others? I ask because one of the main reasons Mr. Sweet and I got into the lifestyle was because neither of us had much prior experience with sex, and we were curious about what it would be like with others. In other words, we wanted variety.

 

There have been times when playtime with certain couples got to be a bit too frequent, and a bit of ennui did set in. At that point, we'd start seeking out others. Nine times out of ten, that did the trick, and all was well.

 

The only way to know if this or anything else is what your wife means is to TALK to her. Let her know that this is about BOTH of ya'll, and if one of you isn't happy, then it's time to stop. She may be afraid of hurting your or the other couples' feelings. But HER feelings matter, too.

[AsianSwirl 15]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

We've talked about this to great length. My wife and I have no issues in the communication department. I know what her reasoning is; that's not the question.

 

As she put it, she's not opposed to the lifestyle, but not all that thrilled about it, either. She "likes" the lifestyle only because she "likes" how much I enjoy it. She wants to continue solely for that reason.

 

Maybe I'm expecting too much and should just be happy with the situation? She does say she has fun performing for me.

 

As for who we've played with, only the one couple because we're still noobs at this. Yall may be right, a new couple might bring her a different level of enjoyment.

[ViSexual 1,008]

If you decide on a new couple then tell her that's what you think would be best and then tell her that it's her pick. And, don't pressure or hurry her. The same with your current couple..., let it be her idea when, and if, you get with them again.

 

This way when, and if, you do have more experiences you won't have to feel like you are the one it's for.

[Learning 160]

I agree with the above posters about meeting some new couples. It's always great to have FWB but expand the horizons. The lifestyle offers some killer parties, clubs, etc. That mat increase overall statisifaction. Also since you two engaged with swinging with friends that you already know, there's soooooo many people out that could potentially be a great match. When we we're swinging, the sex was great but we loved just engaging people on the various levels... You are missing that right now.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Talk to her about any fantasies she may have OTHER than performing for you. Maybe there is something she would like to explore that would giver her some more enjoyment in swinging.

 

If not, and she really is just comme ci, comme ca about swinging, then I guess I would just sit back and enjoy it until such time as she decides it is not for her. It does not appear that there is any harm being done.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I love to give blowjobs. What do I get out of blowjobs? Not much other than knowing how much pleasure I'm giving the receiver. Perhaps that is how she feels about swinging. It's not that the idea of swinging itself really turns her on or that she is all hot to get some other woman or guy, but she knows that you really enjoy watching her with others guys, she enjoys the sex of it, so what of it.

 

Now, if she said she absolutely didn't like it, didn't like being with other people, and she was only doing it to please you, that would be another story. I didn't read that in what you described (and perhaps I'm wrong), what I read was that the real pleasure she gets out of swinging is in knowing how much YOU enjoy it and watching her.

[AsianSwirl 15]

JustAskJulie said:

Perhaps that is how she feels about swinging. It's not that the idea of swinging itself really turns her on or that she is all hot to get some other woman or guy, but she knows that you really enjoy watching her with others guys, she enjoys the sex of it, so what of it.

 

I hope you don't mind, but I sat her down and had her read your post because I thought you hit the nail on the head. Sure enough, she concurred with your assessment of the situation (the one I quoted, not the unpleasant one below it )

 

Well, y'all have been a big help. I feel a lot better and I've come to appreciate my wife's point of view on this. Right now she only gets pleasure from performing for me, but who knows, she might start liking other aspects of the lifestyle, too, right? I'll just try to be as supportive as I can and not push things.

 

Thanks for talking to me/us. It appreciated more than you know.