Nervous about my SO's first time hall pass

[little firefly 64]

Hi everyone,

 

For those who have seen me post here in the past you know my back story, but for those who haven't, here's the Cliffs Notes version: My SO (David) plays, I don't (my choice), I had a hard time with it at first (being in uncharted territory), but came to be accepting and happy with letting him play (as long as I was present).

 

Fast forward to now. I had a miscarriage near the end of the year with what would have been a first child for both of us. As difficult as that was, it was actually a blessing in disguise because my primary doctor insisted I see a GYN for a pelvic and PAP exam. Long story short, the GYN found something not so nice growing on my cervix......I'm not here throwing a pity party, I just wanted to explain how I came to make the choice I did.

 

As the Doctor is trying to take the best course of action for me, I find that there are a lot of days that I just don't feel good and can't be with David sexually in the way that I want. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to let him have a hall pass because I haven't really felt up to going out and I don't want him to give up all of his fun for my sake. He's been reluctant to use it or to even go out at all, but tonight I just wanted time to myself, so he's gone out now to the club that we frequent to shoot pool and hang out with our friends. I reminded him that he was free to play if the chance arose.

 

He went to his car about an hour ago to call me (as cell phones of course aren't allowed inside), and told me he'd been chatting up a woman that he'd seen at the club a couple of times and wanted to know if I was really ok with him playing. I assured him I was at which time he put her on the phone so I could verify. So now I'm sitting at home, biting my nails, wondering whats happening, and hoping I made the right choice to let him play alone.

 

I guess my question is, for all of you that have given hall passes, were you nervous the first time your SO used it? Did you ask for the details, and if so, when? As soon as they got home? The next day? How in depth did you want them to go in telling you? I just want to know if my being nervous is normal and to know how I might handle asking for all the details later. I know I'm probably making myself nervous for nothing, but I tend to get that way when I'm in unfamiliar territory.......If nothing else, just writing this thread has been a helpful way for me to pass some time and get my feelings out, LOL

[little firefly 64]

It just occurred to me that I posted this at a time when most everyone is probably out for the evening, Duh!! Haha on me for bad timing, LOL......Anyway, I'll still appreciate your responses and compare what you would/have done, to what I end up doing to see if I totally goofed it!

[sexcupid 809]

The one time my SO took advantage of alone playtime was not a good time for me. I was seriously sick to my stomach most of the day, found stuff to keep myself busy until he was on the way home (staying at school, going to see a movie, going to the gym, etc). I posted about it a few years back...something about being a big ol' hypocrite.

 

I didn't have any real desire to have all the details of what he was up to during his alone playtime.

 

I think being nervous over any new experience is normal.

[little firefly 64]

The one time my SO took advantage of alone playtime was not a good time for me. I was seriously sick to my stomach most of the day, found stuff to keep myself busy until he was on the way home (staying at school, going to see a movie, going to the gym, etc). I posted about it a few years back...something about being a big ol' hypocrite.

 

I didn't have any real desire to have all the details of what he was up to during his alone playtime.

 

I think being nervous over any new experience is normal.

 

Thank you sexcupid. Yes, that's about how it's been for me tonight. I'd been feeling queasy but keeping myself busy. I think I've pretty much finished my spring cleaning, lol. He did call me just a little while ago to see what I was up to. I didn't ask him anything about what had taken place as I'd rather he tell me about his night in person. I don't know that I'll want all the details either, but time will tell if my curiosity begs me to know!

[ViSexual 1,008]

Some couples use 'telling' as a turn-on after. But this is usually more experienced swingers who both play alone.

 

I know that if my wife were out alone that I'd be turned-on thinking about what she's doing and love to hear the blow-by-blow (pun intended) when she got home but, if the situation were reversed, she'd probably feel more like you are.

 

It so depends on the individual and the situation.

 

If you want the details I'd suggest asking him soon after he gets home. And, since you did give full permission, at least pretend to enjoy hearing them. If you don't he's going to be put in a very defensive position that could cause you both some drama.

[DarkenFreaky 15]

Good advice!

 

Some couples use 'telling' as a turn-on after. But this is usually more experienced swingers who both play alone.

 

I know that if my wife were out alone that I'd be turned-on thinking about what she's doing and love to hear the blow-by-blow (pun intended) when she got home but, if the situation were reversed, she'd probably feel more like you are.

 

It so depends on the individual and the situation.

 

If you want the details I'd suggest asking him soon after he gets home. And, since you did give full permission, at least pretend to enjoy hearing them. If you don't he's going to be put in a very defensive position that could cause you both some drama.

[little firefly 64]

If you want the details I'd suggest asking him soon after he gets home. And, since you did give full permission, at least pretend to enjoy hearing them. If you don't he's going to be put in a very defensive position that could cause you both some drama.

 

I was actually pretty much asleep when he came in and I barely remember him kissing me and asking if I wanted to talk, which I replied that we'd talk when we woke up. So, this morning over our coffee and cheese danishes, he told me what happened. I didn't ask for every little detail, but he answered every question that I asked of him. My heart was pounding out of my chest from anxiety at listening to him, but I took a genuine interest in hearing him tell of his night. I was honestly glad that he was able to enjoy himself and I loved the time we spent together this morning, just talking.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm really sorry to hear about your pap smear results. I see that as the major issue that needs to be dealt with.

 

If it's genital warts, David should not be playing at all, lest he pass the malady on to another lady.

 

If it's cervical cancer, there are many issues that are far more important than swinging, Y'all need to face them as a couple.

 

First, deal with your health issues, then worry about David's sexual satisfaction.

 

Alura

[little firefly 64]

I'm really sorry to hear about your pap smear results. I see that as the major issue that needs to be dealt with.

 

If it's genital warts, David should not be playing at all, lest he pass the malady on to another lady.

 

If it's cervical cancer, there are many issues that are far more important than swinging, Y'all need to face them as a couple.

 

First, deal with your health issues, then worry about David's sexual satisfaction.

 

Alura

 

Thank you Alura. After a few tests that showed severe Cervical Dysplasia the doctor ruled out genital warts and is talking probable cancer. David has never played unless a condom is used, that's one of my unchangeable rules, as well as a dental dam for any oral (having watched a best friend suffer and then die from AIDS 10 years ago, I don't take chances when it comes to safe sex). I have no doubt that he will be right by my side through whatever battle I face (and I'm ready to tackle it head on). I just want him to have the chance to still be able to have a little bit of fun. His happiness and satisfaction is as important to me as my health and well being are important to him. It won't be a regular thing, but I'm happy that I'm secure enough to give him the green light for some play.

[Alura 2,774]

My best to you, Little Firefly. There have been many encouraging advances in the treatment of cancer since Mrs. Alura was diagnosed.

 

Alura

[incommunicado 228]

You will probably get some different types of advice because people have different experiences that color their perspectives. So, let me give you little of mine.

 

My wife is more sexually bohemian, I am more a monogamist at heart (wayward though I may be). Our swinging stretches over years, and has not been frequent. We have both played separately as well as together. She is totally cool about me doing it, I am VERY situational about her doing it, and she is OK with that. She has had a LOT more partners than I have, both before our marriage and since we started swinging. She understands and supports my (however unrealistic) desire to even the playing field.

 

She has also had quite a few more opportunities to play separately than I have. Most of these were with people I knew well, had played with together, and was totally cool with. But one, was on a business trip, back in November of last year. I had given her a free pass because it was her first business trip, she was going to the other side of the country, and I thought letting her have fun if she wanted to would be a nice gesture, as long as she came back with a really good story for me. But, I was wrong. Not about the story, but the circumstances. I will be happy to PM you if you want the details, in case they are of value, but, suffice-it-to-say, two months later, I am still very jealous over it.

 

So, have we played separately? yes. Was it cool? Most of the time. How much do I want to hear? Every last pornographic detail of their pleasure. How did I handle it? Again, most of the time, I was cool. I hope this answers your question and helps give you perspective.

 

Now, if I may offer some advice...

 

This is not a judgment about your arrangement in general. Nor towards you for your generosity (under the circumstances) or towards him for accepting it. But, you need your SO 100% right now, and he needs to be there for you 100%. In my mind, that can't happen while he is going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs. You are not comfortable with it, or you wouldn't be writing, and your stress-level can directly affect your health and your recovery.

 

It's noble that you don't want him to live without physical pleasure while you don't feel up to providing it. But, there is more to personal and physical intimacy than sex. Sitting with you, holding you, holding your hand, giving you massages or sharing a bath, being there while you are at the doctor or receive treatment... offering the things that make you feel supported and connected to one another, can be of immeasurable support during difficult physical and/ emotional times.

 

And, I know this may come across harsh in print, and I truly don't mean it to, but, he can take care of his OWN physical needs if necessary (we are, after all, "master of our domain" ). This is not too much to ask of him. It's part of what being in a relationship is about... being there in each others' time of need, sometimes at the expense of our own. However long your treatment is necessary, it is still a temporary situation, but your relationship is supposed to be permanent.

 

If you were my wife, I would be very receptive to you if you came to me and said, "You know I love you, and I really wanted to do this for you because I can't be what you need physically right now. But, I was wrong, this is a really bad time, this is hurting me, and I really need you to be with just me right now, even if I can't be everything I want to be for you." If it were us, I would totally understand.

 

I hope this helps!

 

Mr. Incommunicado

[little firefly 64]

@incommunicado, thank you so much for your input. It's very helpful. I followed the thread about the misfired experience with your wife and I could understand why you were feeling as you were.

 

You're totally right. I do need him 100% and I know that I have him. Ever since the miscarriage and everything that came after, he's been watching over me like a hawk and afraid for me to do much of anything. I'll admit that although I love how attentive he's been, he's also made me feel a bit smothered as well at times. He wouldn't have even gone out last night if I hadn't practically pushed him out the door, lol. As much as I love spending time with him and being held, massaged, etc., there are times that I just like to be alone to think and clear my mind. Knowing how sexual he is, I knew that a hall pass would be an extra incentive for him to get out sometimes. I know I'm the most important person in his life, but I also want him to continue being able to have some fun and not constantly worry over me. After he and I talked this morning I knew that I was ok with what he did and as long as it's not an all the time thing, then I'm fine with it.

[incommunicado 228]

Thanks little firefly. It's good to know my reputation precedes me (or is it my laundry?).

 

It's good to hear that his is that devoted, even if it can be a little smothering at times. If this arrangement truly works for you, great. If not, don't be afraid to change your mind. It sounds like he would be very understanding. Perhaps talking to his "vanilla" friends and getting them to alternate dragging him out regularly, might be a better way, for the time being, to get him to blow off steam, and give you a little space, without risk of affecting what may be a tenuous balance for a while?

 

We wish you the best for a full and speedy recovery.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Incommunicado

 

@incommunicado, thank you so much for your input. It's very helpful. I followed the thread about the misfired experience with your wife and I could understand why you were feeling as you were.

 

You're totally right. I do need him 100% and I know that I have him. Ever since the miscarriage and everything that came after, he's been watching over me like a hawk and afraid for me to do much of anything. I'll admit that although I love how attentive he's been, he's also made me feel a bit smothered as well at times. He wouldn't have even gone out last night if I hadn't practically pushed him out the door, lol. As much as I love spending time with him and being held, massaged, etc., there are times that I just like to be alone to think and clear my mind. Knowing how sexual he is, I knew that a hall pass would be an extra incentive for him to get out sometimes. I know I'm the most important person in his life, but I also want him to continue being able to have some fun and not constantly worry over me. After he and I talked this morning I knew that I was ok with what he did and as long as it's not an all the time thing, then I'm fine with it.

[JustNTerested 15]

To Firefly,

 

Although the reasoning of you giving your SO a "Hall Pass" is not the same as mine, I can relate almost to the tee of how you were feeling and the feelings that come on.

 

I (Mr. JustNTerested), am not allowed to play. My wife is. In the beginning she wanted some one on one time and at the beginning, I was okay with it. After I rezlized it was going to happen, a lot more things came up such as questions, concerns and I finally reallized that all these years, I had been taking my wife for granite. I love my wife very dearly and she knows I do but it also made me realize just how easy she could get someone else. Long story short, I needed reassurance in the beginning. When she left the first few times to "get together", I found myself a nervous wreck wonder what they were doing, how was he treating her, what were they talking about, was he doing something to her that I hadn't and did she really like it. Is he a threat? (this was the question I asked myself.)

 

So, to answer your question, yes, it is normal. If you both love each other which I'm sure you do more than any of us know, there would be something wrong if you didn't feel the way you did.

 

Communications is the KEY here (hence your screen name.) We found that we were talking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT about my concerns as I wanted "him" to know that I knew what was going on but I was alright with it. This was the base of several arguments but one thing led to another and ended up having my fantasy come true. Watching her with another man and a 3-some.

 

We made the story(s) of her "affair" a sexual turn on for me when she got home. How ever you want to do it, just lay down your ground rules, if you've not already) and stick to them. If you (or him) need to adjust, add or take away, do so with a complete understanding and stick to the changes.

 

I have back issues, had two surgeries and this past year, some other back issues have flared up and with the narcotics I've been taking, it kills my sex drive so I've even encouraged her to find some new ones (which she has) and go. So, while I'm somewhat in the same boat as you are, it's different in another sense. Just know that you are not alone.

 

Hope that helps.

Good luck with your recovery

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This thread saddens me... Little Firefly, I feel for you and I'm so sorry about all you've gone through lately. That said, I feel better about your overall situation simply to hear that David has been by your side and smothering you a bit with love and affection and not wanting/ willing to go out until you made him. I only hope that now that he's gone out he continues to smother you with that love and affection until you push him out the door again.

 

As far as your feelings while he was out, they are perfectly normal. In my first marriage, we played alone a lot; me more than him. But, I do remember the feeling when it was him out playing and it was very much the same. The wondering what was happening, where he was, what was going on... all the same. Whether or not to get the details really depends on how you feel about hearing them. For us is was part of the fun to return to each other and share the details, get worked up and have great sex with each other. That may not be something you are comfortable with, or even able to do at this point. It's really up to you.

[little firefly 64]

@JustAskJulie, Thank you very much. The health issues have definitely not been a walk in the park to deal with and I know that I have a tough road ahead. My doctor has already told me that sometimes my bad days will seem to outnumber the good ones while I'm getting treatment, which of course means I won't feel well enough for sex. I don't like the reality of that of course, but I do know that David will be right beside me no matter what!

 

I'm feeling so much more secure in our relationship as far as allowing him the freedom to play without me there, which is a long way from how it was in the beginning when I was having trouble with him playing period! I'm really glad to know that my nervousness was normal. He's been out without me once since that night (at my insistence), and had oral play with a woman we know. He gave me whatever details I asked for without hesitation, which put me even more at ease, knowing that he has no desire to hide even the most trivial detail from me if I ask for it.

 

I feel that we're becoming stronger as a couple. I'm secure, knowing I have him for as long as I can put up with him (LOL), and I feel good about myself for being able to let him have the freedom to play on occasion, even if I don't feel well enough to be with him.

[padoc 1,703]

Your health concerns are truly scary and we wish you well and better. Regarding the issue at hand, the key is that he is emotionally and physically available for you. His needs at this time should be secondary but if you've freely given him a pass, then try to remember that it's just sex. So long as he maintains a mind set that there is no emotional involvement with his partners and it's entirely NSA its the equivalent of masturbation with a partner instead of a tissue.

 

On the other hand, if he recognizes that this hall pass is causing you anxiety, angst or pain, perhaps the loving thing for him would be to turn it back in.

[little firefly 64]

So long as he maintains a mind set that there is no emotional involvement with his partners and it's entirely NSA its the equivalent of masturbation with a partner instead of a tissue.

 

I don't have to worry in the least about his maintaining that mindset. He's been in the lifestyle for many years and has no problem separating emotional attachment from just sex. I know that he'd give back his hall pass no questions asked if he felt that I was being caused any kind of discomfort from it. He wouldn't even go out at all if it wasn't for me insisting on it, but sometimes I need time to myself, just as I know he needs time to let his hair down (so to speak). So far, aside from my initial nervousness, there haven't been any problems at all

[wisconsin 58]

You are a very good person and have a lot on your plate. Don't know how many people would be able to do it.

Usually when I come come after playing with my BF I don't give details since I have a feeling it may hurt my hubby. He knows what I am capable of and what we are usually into and saw me with my BF several times in a days when we played 3 somes. I even try to make myself not to smile that much. Feel a littlle guilty.

He asks me if I had fun and I usually say," it was fun as usual''

When my hubby comes home from his playdates I usually can see on his face if he enjoyed it. If he didn't like it that much I try to comfort him and we can go in some details I can give him some advice and empathy.

What a weird family, huh?

Just take care of yourself and don't think about this too much. think about it like he went to the gym:)

.

[sweet_tna 680]

I feel that we're becoming stronger as a couple. I'm secure, knowing I have him for as long as I can put up with him (LOL), and I feel good about myself for being able to let him have the freedom to play on occasion, even if I don't feel well enough to be with him

 

To me, this is what it's all about. And after reading about your situation, I just want to give you a big ole' hug and tell you it'll all be okay. Hang in there, and keep us posted on your progress, please.

 

=)