Help! My jealousy of my husband and his poly partner is making me crazy!

[kayjay2k 15]

Wow, ok, where to begin...jealousy is tearing me (Mrs. Jay) apart. I've told my husband on several occasions that I am fine with everything and he has developed a very non-threatening relationship with another lady. I know her and we hang out on occasion and she is a great girl! She is not interested in women at all, so it has developed as just an awesome relationship for my husband. And she is completely aware of the situation and totally fine with what she has with my husband and actually knows that eventually she will move on and find a husband of her own.

 

Unfortunately I have been dealing with a lot of feelings of jealousy, which I never thought would happen and found myself trying to hide it... from myself first and therefore also from my husband. Over the last two months however, it has been rearing its ugly head pretty much every few days. And I have very badly jaded my husband by it. I didn't even realize that it was happening even though my husband on several occasions told me that it was likely the culprit.

 

I had another freak out session yesterday and have completely turned my husband off to me for the time being. I fear I am trying to hold so tight to him now that I just keep pushing him further away. I feel rather helpless and hopeless at this point. Any constructive advice would be great! (Please no, "you shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place..." We knew exactly what we were getting into.)

[BiloxiCouple 695]

The thing to do is back away from the girl in this situation, both of you until you resolve these feelings. You and your husband are the most important thing in this relationship. Talk about it and let the lady know what is going on. I hope your husband agrees to this.

[lardub 170]

Constructive advice would be for your husband to end it with the woman and to take your feelings into consideration period. Everyone goes through jealousy at one time and your partner should care enough to understand and do the right thing..

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

What have you and your husband done to work on your jealousy? Do you feel it's something you can and want to work through? You can grow as a person and as a couple by working on your jealousy. Is it this person in particular, some situation with her in particular, or swinging in general?

 

It sounds like there are good things about this relationship that you may not want to just toss out. Maybe taking a break for a set amount of time from her or setting new boundaries for their relationship would help?

 

Please come back and update us on the situation.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Yes, jealousy is an ugly thing, but sometimes the green monster just gets the best of us.

 

But if your husband values your relationship he needs to take a break from the other woman until, and if, you two can work this out.

 

Without more detail it is difficult to say what, if anything, you can do to work it out. But there is likely some solution.

[slevin 1,374]

Yes, jealousy is an ugly thing, but sometimes the green monster just gets the best of us.

 

But if your husband values your relationship he needs to take a break from the other woman until, and if, you two can work this out.

 

Without more detail it is difficult to say what, if anything, you can do to work it out. But there is likely some solution.

 

Agreed. The Mrs. also needs to make it clear that she /is/ feeling jealousy and that she needs for them to back away from this girl and spend some time just the two of them to work it out together. From what I read in the OP, she hasn't yet made it clear. Perhaps he should have sensed it and pulled back from the girl on his own, but I wouldn't expect him to do that.

[traveling cpl 59]

First of all, give yourself a 'pat' on the back for well done conclusion about what is causing you concern, in knowing what it is, as many will not recognize jealousy or the issue. And, it is your concern and it is real. Secondly, talk to your husband and let him know direct what your concern/s are for both of you, but it must also be constructive.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I agree with many others above that taking a break from the other woman would be an excellent idea. I would like to add to that in one aspect; sometimes jealousy issues can be fairly quickly resolved. I would go for the break, but maybe not communicate it as such to the other person...yet. See if the two of you can work it out together in short order. If so, then returning to the arrangement you have can happen if you're all agreeable. Finding another single woman for your husband to play with is tricky. It seems you've found a very good one. Don't close her out until you have reason to believe the jealousy isn't going to be resolved quickly.

 

Also; remember who the home team is. Don't allow a divide to build between you and your husband. The best way to help prevent that is communicate absolutely openly with him. He seems to be perceptive; go with it.

[sweet_tna 680]

It's not always easy to admit feeling jealous, so don't give yourself too hard a time about that. The important thing is that you are acknowledging it now. The best advice I can offer is to ask your hubby to take a break from playing with this gal to give you time to work things out. You are his WIFE after all, and his relationship with you should be the priority. If it needs to be a long term or permanent break (only you can know that), then you should talk to the other gal, too.

 

Hopefully, ya'll can get things sorted out soon.

[lovinher 505]

Over the last two months however, it has been rearing its ugly head... pretty much every few days... and I have very badly jaded my husband by it. I didn't even realize that it was happening... even though my husband on several occasions told me that it was likely the culprit. I had another freak out session yesterday and have completely turned my husband off to me for the time being...

 

This tells me they have talked about it in one fashion or another. Your jealousy issues aside, I think the more immediate problem is your husbands reaction. If he cared about your feelings, all play would have stopped the minute he knew what you were feeling. Give your self a break here and just put it all the table for discussion with him and let us know how it goes. There is always more to the story and his reaction will be very telling.

[Gordo 618]

Was there one issue that caused this sudden change or is it just the overall situation?

[Big Rock 173]

First off, OP, you needn't feel guilty for having fits of jealousy. We all do every now and then, it's called being human. So not to worry about that. I echo the others who say that your H should take a hiatus from the OW, until this issue is settled or a permanent break if it cannot be settled. Respect for your feelings should always be foremost to your H, and he needs to understand that , if he doesn't already. Take some "down time", with him, away from any distractions and work on it together.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

What others have said it correct. Do not feel bad about the emotions you have. You do need to work through them WITH your husband. If you are jealous there is a reason. Perhaps you are sensing something that they share that you are missing out on? I don't know the reason why you are feeling jealous and perhaps you don't know the reason at this moment but think through it and talk through it with your husband. If your hubby is shutting down your feelings that is a HUGE issue and needs to be dealt with, as he's basically telling you by doing so that his relationship with this other woman is more important than your own relationship.

[JustNTerested 15]

KJ,

 

I am the MR JustNTerested and let me tell you, you are NOT alone. My wife and I have this arrangement where she is able to play. I do not desire to and furthermore, she doesn't want me to. My wife has been with several others over the past year and I have to tell you, my jealousy issues have surfaced. I want her to do this but then when it's happening, I have 'issues'.

 

The arrangement is that I watch and occasionally join if the other man is okay with that. The thing is, she has to be with them a couple to a few times before I "step in". She has told them about our arrangement and they are okay with it. One has only happened once so that was the two of them while I was gone doing some running around and with the newest person, she has been with him several times and he's okay with it but needs to work up to it which I understand.

 

The other night, we had agreed that he come over to the house and I stayed in the bedroom while they were in the living room. I felt different things while hearing them but it was okay. Then, I felt like she was paying more attention to him in certain departments of sex than she does me and it totally turned me off. Afterward, he left and she came in the bedroom totally naked wanting to satisfy me. I wasn't for it and this lead to first an argument over how I felt but then us talking it out and my concerns and issues. After hearing her tell me why she was doing this and that she was NOT interested in them and I was sure she wasn't, it was okay.

 

The reason I tell you this is that you have to talk this out. You have to be an "open book" so to say with your husband and he HAS to be understanding and above all, LISTENING TO YOU! If you have reservations about something, talk it out. I have found that I need reassurance from time to time. Not to be funny, but ask yourself if you would feel better if you watched instead of being away.

 

This is my trigger. If I'm there watching, I have no issues what so ever. If I'm away or can't see what's going on, I have these feelings. One of the reason we do this is that our bedroom time is freaking awesome. She has never been multi-orgasmic but is now and more open to other kinky things that turn me on and I like all of it. That may be bad advice but it's something that works for me. If that's out of the question, talk about what your concerns are and work them out. If you can't work them out, take a break or call it off. If you are NOT involved and are allowing him to do this, you can pull the plug or should be able to pull the plug until you work thru it.

[Tina and Bob 236]

All this advice is pretty much my viewpoint as well. I wonder if your husband would feel differently if the roles were reversed? Possibly you should consider having your own male friend on the side or at least asking him how he would feel about that?

[couplers 4,648]

... jealousy is tearing me (Mrs. Jay) apart. I had another freak out session yesterday and have completely turned my husband off to me for the time being... I fear I am tryin to hold so tight to him now that I jus keep pushing him further away. I feel rather helpless and hopeless at this point... any contructive advice would be great! (Please no, "you shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place..." We knew exactly what we were gettin into...)

 

 

My husband often plays alone, and I had and still have those feelings as well (face it, it is an emotionally wild ride to know some other woman is screwing your husband), but I have come to really enjoy the jealousy. Maybe it's because I'm the confident, competitve type and like the challenge of being better than the other woman. Or maybe because I know that my husband loves me no matter what else is going on.

 

 

One thing I have found that not only relieves the jealousy, but also turns me on and makes sex with hubby extremely intense is to rant, wail, pound on his chest and scream about her while having sex with hubby. I know that many here recommend having a cool, calm discussion while all passions are put aside, and I agree there is a place for that and after all, it is only sex. But there is also a place for letting out the strictly irrational, emotional, and passionate feelings. So when these feelings overcome you be agressive, pull his clothes off and bring it all right out in the open. Call him a cunt-chaser and every name in the book, force his head between your legs and demand that he give you what he is giving her and tell him to take what is his and fuck you hard. This is not usually how I act, but after one of those sessions is over I fell great and tell hubby (and really mean it) that I can't wait for him to see her again.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- If my husband ever felt jealous about a man I was having sex with, I would simply end things with the other man. I wouldn't try and make it 'work' or some other compromise. That relationship would simply conclude and if it's really 'just sex' it's not difficult to do at all. Some day, down the road, Ed may feel differently, but I need to respond to the current moment in time and that would be that my marriage is first and foremost.

 

On his part, about three years ago, we played with a single woman. Ed and I both agreed it was a really stellar romp we had. Yet, when she contacted him, I said,"Ed, I cannot explain it. Things just don't feel right to me." Ed simply ended it. No big deal. The marriage comes first.

[gatorvol64 216]

Wow, ok, where to begin... jealousy is tearing me (Mrs. Jay) apart. I've told my husband on several occasions that I am fine with everything and he has developed a very non-threatening realtionship with another lady. I know her and we hang out on occasion and she is a great girl! She is not interested in women at all, so it has developed as just an awesome realtionship for my husband. And she is completely aware of the situation and totally fine with what she has with my husband and actually knows that eventually she will move on and find a husband of her own. Unfortunately I have been dealing with a lot of feelings of jealousy, which I never thought would happen and found myself tryin to hide it... from myself first and therefore also from my husband. Over the last two months however, it has been rearing its ugly head... pretty much every few days... and I have very badly jaded my husband by it. I didn't even realize that it was happening... even though my husband on several occasions told me that it was likely the culprit. I had another freak out session yesterday and have completely turned my husband off to me for the time being... I fear I am tryin to hold so tight to him now that I jus keep pushing him further away. I feel rather helpless and hopeless at this point... any contructive advice would be great! (Please no, "you shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place..." We knew exactly what we were gettin into...)

 

I freely admit it may have been too long since I've been here to really know what is going on but, this is the polyamory forum. Doesn't that mean your husband and this woman are in love with each other?

 

You also state this is a non-threatening relationship. Which doesn't preclude jealousy. But then it could be envy as well. I don't know enough about what is going on from this post.

 

Is he doing things with her that, due to life and things we let slide, he is no longer doing with you? For example, does he snuggle with her watching a movie on the couch and no longer does that with you?

 

I've been here in the poly relationship we've had. It's a matter of telling him, you know I miss that we don't do X (fill in what X is) any more. I didn't realize this until I saw you doing this with your GF (or he could have told you they did this).

 

Life gets in the way of our live in relationships and some things go by the wayside without us realizing it.

 

This may not be the reason you say jealousy is rearing but, you need to get to the bottom of why it is. Otherwise, even if he stops seeing her or just backs off for a while, the issue will not get resolved. It may appear to go away while he isn't involved with her but it really hasn't gone away until you deal with the underlying reason behind this.

 

Good luck!

[WesternSwing 504]

I see many of the advice here approaching the situation from a swingers perspective (which I know very well also) rather than that of a polyamorous perspective. So here is my take on it.

 

Jealousy, as you know, is insecurity. It's the fear that someone else may be "better" or valued or desired more than yourself by your loved one: your husband. Sure, there are things that can be done to reduce the jealousy a little bit, but nothing short of fixing yourself will eliminate what you are feeling. And by "fixing" I mean understanding that you are worthy, you are "enough", you are awesome and you do mean the world to your husband.

 

That said, if he is in love with her just ending it like many have suggested won't work - it's neither fair to her, nor to your husband who could end-up resenting you for the implied ultimatum.

 

In my experience vetoes can work in swinging, but they don't work so well in polyamory. With the emotions in the game the stakes are much higher when trying to control your partner's actions and who they are in a relationship with besides yourself.

 

On top of that, his girlfriend is not just a shoe that can be thrown away, she also has a vested emotional interest in your husband and you.

 

My advice, and it's not easy, is to look deep within yourself and figure-out what it is that is triggering such strong emotions of jealousy. Then, when you think you can articulate it well, sit down with your husband and the other woman and talk it out. Let both of them know how you feel and why you are feeling it.

 

They can't fix your feelings of jealousy, but they can empathize and maybe help you work through them. I think you'll get further working on it as a triad than just as a couple.