Is it bad to be Judgemental?

[exploringRM 305]

I was reading an online profile today stating there are so many judgemental people out there. (I'm assuming the writer was getting turned down too much?)

 

I don't see being judgemental as a bad thing, provided the "judging" is not hurtfull. We all have our preferences. There are so many reasons not to play with another couple and my feeling is we are here to have fun, so why not interact with couples that fit one's desires/likes, etc. I do feel bad saying no to another couple, but then again when we receive a no (or no response) I just shrug and move on.

 

What are your thoughts? Is this just a fact of life in swinging? Do people need to get over it; don't dwell on rejection?

[LFM2 1,482]

I wonder what this writer described as being judgmental. Believe me, I have many flaws, and if someone wanted to pass because of that, so be it... There are others who don't mind them.

 

We don't think it's judgmental to pass on another couple. Now, the other couple may take it that we're being judgmental, while we see it as our preference.

 

My preference is to have someone who will kiss during sex/foreplay. It's not judgmental to pass on them because I can't (or don't) want to forgo one of my favorite things.

 

My preference is for someone to have teeth. It's not judgmental to pass on someone with one tooth. It's my preference they have more than ten.

 

The "judgment" word seems to be thrown around when you can't empathize with the other person. "They don't want me because I have three eyes. They're being judgmental."

 

No, it my preference that you have less than three.

 

Did I answer this question?

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Making judgments is perfectly normal and acceptable in my mind depending on what you are judging, for what purpose and how you act toward people.

 

I think it is perfectly fine to decide who you want to have sex with based on looks, personality, manners and chemistry.

 

I think it is fine to decide not to associate with someone based on moral conflicts, illegal or unethical behavior or their bigoted attitudes.

 

I do not think it is acceptable to treat people unfairly or infringe on their rights based on their race, gender, religion etc. Unfortunately, too may people assume that if you don't care for them, it is based on one of those characteristics rather than the fact they are crude, rude or just flat out jerks. I guess it is easier to explain away rejection by attributing it to the worst part of the other persons nature, rather than realizing it may be something that makes them unappealing or even they are simple not what the person is looking for.

 

As for swinging, I have no right to anyone's body nor they to mine. So if one of us decides that we are just not interested, for what ever reason, then that is just how it goes, regardless how petty or "judgmental" the rejected party thinks it may be. Why waste time being upset about it.

[sexcupid 809]

Agreeing somewhat with the other posters...what does this person mean by judgmental? To me, it kind of feels like "open-minded" or "are there any 'real' people/non-flakes" or any other statements of the like. If you don't agree with their point of view then you are the small minded, flaky, judgmental one.

 

But, yes, its human nature to be judgmental, categorize, etc.

[Chicup 41]

I am not judgmental and people who are judgmental are just wrong.

[sweet_tna 680]

I think it's a matter of semantics. The word "judgement" carries a negative connotation, though we all use our sense of judgement to make decisions every day. Where the lifestyle is concerned, we make decisions about whether we are interested enough in another person/couple to interact and possibly have sex with them.

 

I'd venture a guess that the folks that put stuff like that in their profiles feel they are being slighted by others' decisions (judgements) to not have sex with them. Oh well.

[padoc 1,703]

I'd guess that the couple complaining about "judgmental people" is either unattractive, pushy, or way out there kink wise or simply overly sensitive. We make judgements (substitute "choices") all the time in life and particularly with regard to those with whom we'll get naked. If we judge (substitute "decide") a couple does not fit within our play parameters, that is our right. Another couple is not entitled to play with us simply because they want to, it should be a 4-way decision. If we judge (substitute "determine") couple as somehow not ringing our bell how is that a bad thing? Isn't that our prerogative as a couple in the lifestyle?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I am not judgmental and people who are judgmental are just wrong.

 

This post makes me want a "like" button.

 

I'm with everyone else... I really don't like people who get upset over other people being judgmental....

 

Seriously, I put this profile in the same category as those who say they hate drama (and are typically the people who bring it).

 

They most likely have some major personality flaw that is causing them to get little interest or get turned down a lot, and they don't get that it's really their problem. Perhaps instead of just turning them down someone needs to explain the reasoning... then again if this person doesn't see their flaw as an issue and isn't willing to accept that if many other people do see it as an issue it is an issue... then they'll just continue to complain about judgmental people.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

For example, I could see perhaps a couple who are married but not to each other getting pissed off at all the "judgmental swingers" who won't play with them and say they are cheaters.

[MN Tom 251]

For example, I could see perhaps a couple who are married but not to each other getting pissed off at all the "judgmental swingers" who won't play with them and say they are cheaters.

 

We came across that exact couple a few weeks ago.

 

They didn't hide the fact, but they didnt come out and say it right away either. After talking with them for about 10 minutes, we noticed they had some disparities in their lives that seemed to lead to them not living together. So we asked, and lo and behold they didnt. One said she was in an open marriage (they had a small text only profile on a free swingers website, not very good proof in my mind), and the guy said he was legally separated (again with no offer of confirmation).

 

So we passed. And they considered us judgemental, but in our minds it was more of just not wanting to put ourselves into the potential shitstorm that hits if/when their spouses find out.

 

We talked about it afterwards, and to be honest it's not a huge issue if a couple we might play with is married or not. We still have rules though, and they apply across the board, to singles and couples. If someone seems to be cheating or playing without their spouse and we cant confirm, we dont play.

[exploringRM 305]

For example, I could see perhaps a couple who are married but not to each other getting pissed off at all the "judgmental swingers" who won't play with them and say they are cheaters.

 

I'm not going to judge them. I just have a preference that they not be married to other people. But I can understand the negative reaction. Typically our repsonse to something like this is we respect your choices or rules (which ever apply) but this is not something we are interested in. I know you are not supposed to give a reason why you are turning someone down, but sometimes I feel if it's a line we will not cross or deal with it should be said.

[Powerglide 235]

What is it that makes some judgments "judgmental?" I think some contributing factors are: not being open to context and circumstance; refusing to look at both sides; and failing to exercise the power of compassion, of putting oneself in the other's shoes.

[Learning 160]

Judgmental = not so good, judgment=very good, listening to ones gut. In my vanilla life I have to rely on my gut and what people tell me, their language, body language, how people act, etc. I have to pay so much attention to it. To me, judgmental consists of judging others by age, education, wealth, sex orientation, color of skin, and list goes on. When we come across couples who flip my judgment switch to a red flag, we run....as most would. I haven't been wrong yet with my gut. Can that be viewed as judgmental by others, maybe...but I never doubt my intution about people.

[exploringRM 305]

What is it that makes some judgments "judgmental?" I think some contributing factors are: not being open to context and circumstance; refusing to look at both sides; and failing to exercise the power of compassion, of putting oneself in the other's shoes.

 

I don't I agree with this in the l/s context. As swingers do we need to exercise compasion and play with others just cause we don't want to make them feel bad? If we don't enjoy rejection, do we need to avoid rejecting others as we put ourselves in their place?

 

In humanitarian situations (poverty, illness, etc) these compassionate behaviors are great. In swinging though, if we are not going to enjoy the situation, we are not going to tough it out and do it anyway. I don't mean this in a malicious way, but we are not going to make another couple happy if we are not.

[Powerglide 235]

Hmm. I did have a vauge feeling that my post might be misinterpreted, but not like this. You ask (rhetorically) " As swingers do we need to exercise compasion and play with others just cause we don't want to make them feel bad?" The answer is of course not. Putting yourself in the others context doesn't mean agreeing with them. I don't know where you might have gotten that idea. Understanding another's point of view does not require ignoring your own. I was advocating taking a broad view of the situation and considering other interpretations before making a judgment. And that is, alas, what you failed to do when reading my post.

 

Clearly, not swinging with someone cannot be equated with being judgmental. And there simply is no logical route from what I said to what you concluded. But I do advocate being open to reconsidering a judgment as new facts about the context emerge. Suppose, for example, I have a rule not to swing with nuns. But then I discover a couple of them who are 19 year old Swedish twins. I might have to reconsider my rule. See?

 

Nor does anything I said mean not hurting anyone's feelings. It means not making an uninformed judgment. I think that's almost always a pretty good policy.

[exploringRM 305]

Hmm. I did have a vauge feeling that my post might be misinterpreted, but not like this. You ask (rhetorically) " As swingers do we need to exercise compasion and play with others just cause we don't want to make them feel bad?" The answer is of course not. Putting yourself in the others context doesn't mean agreeing with them. I don't know where you might have gotten that idea. Understanding another's point of view does not require ignoring your own. I was advocating taking a broad view of the situation and considering other interpretations before making a judgment. And that is, alas, what you failed to do when reading my post.

 

Clearly, not swinging with someone cannot be equated with being judgmental. And there simply is no logical route from what I said to what you concluded. But I do advocate being open to reconsidering a judgment as new facts about the context emerge. Suppose, for example, I have a rule not to swing with nuns. But then I discover a couple of them who are 19 year old Swedish twins. I might have to reconsider my rule. See?

 

Nor does anything I said mean not hurting anyone's feelings. It means not making an uninformed judgment. I think that's almost always a pretty good policy.

 

I agree that making blanket or blind judgments is wrong, especially in areas that really do not make or break chemistry on their own. I'm curious what circumstances would we need to consider/evaluate before making a judgement? What would be an example of being incompassionate when turning down another? or compassionate when deciding you may want to meet. I'm curious, not tring to be adversarial.