Discouraged - difficulty getting hard - help?

[troubled 15]

Hi All,

 

My wife and I are about 8 months into "this" and have had some good fun. My wife takes to this much more naturally than me. I am more reserved, nervous, shy, etc. My problem in a nutshell is getting and maintaining an erection. I have no problems at all with my wife, but with new people, it just won't work.

 

We did meet one couple and saw them numerous times (like maybe 10?). Around the 4th or 5th I had some success, and towards the end, it was no longer an issue. Unfortunately, it did come to an end (another story).

 

Multiple experiences before and after this couple have been a "flop" for me. One couple recently we have seen three times - no luck.

 

My wife and I have no jealousy issues. She (and her counterparts) have been having a blast - and I am happy for her. I mostly feel bad for the women I have left disappointed. I have tried to make the best of the situations in this regard, but....

 

I tried viagra - no difference. My problem is clearly psychological - anxiety. I suppose at this point it is anxiety that I won't get hard and has become self fulfilling. I would guess I am also anxious about disappointing the women I am with. Like I said earlier - no erectile issues with my wife. My wife and I are open - we have been in the same room and separate rooms with other couples. No apparent difference. One interesting point is that We have had a MFM two times with the same guy, and I was fine. I am super straight bordering on homophobic, so it wasn't the guy, but I do find it really erotic seeing my wife with another guy. I have been attracted to these other women... I want this.. My wife wants this...

 

I know I should discuss with my partners, but it isn't easy. I know I should relax and just try and have a good time, but it isn't easy. Unfortunately it isn't hard either

 

In case it helps you guys help me, my wife and I are both very attractive. I have an average size penis. I generally don't suffer from confidence in other areas except perhaps public speaking. I perform fine as an athlete and at work under stress. With the couple when things worked, she and I became very close/caring - perhaps bordering on polyamory.

 

At this point, I am really discouraged. While I know erectile issues in swinging are not uncommon, it is embarrassing, and disappointing for all four people potentially. I don't want to give up, but so far persistence isnt getting me far.

 

ANy thoughts? While I doubt many people have had THIS much of a problem, is it unheard of? Please help....

 

troubled

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

First, as I see this is your first message posted at Swingersboard, I am glad that you have joined us here. WELCOME.

 

I will not pretend to be an expert in this area. But the question has been brought here many times. The conclusion seems to be different each time but the process for arriving at a conclusion always seems to be the same; a game of twenty questions. So I will ask the first question. While you are with the other woman, is you wife typically present in the room? My reason for asking: I am fine and functional with three, four or more people in the room but I am more likely to become "adventurous" when away from the watchful eye of my wife.

[MN Tom 251]

So does it not get hard at all (even when the gals are playing with it?) or does it not stay hard?

 

Is this before putting on a condom (if you use one) ?

 

 

If it's not getting hard at all even with stimulation, what have you done in terms of mental thoughts/mind blocking? Im referring to closing your eyes or really just focusing on the gal, or even letting your mind think of good mental images instead of directly what you are doing. Sorta like fantasizing while you are playing.

[WildMiCouple 325]

Hey Troubled, I bet it must be very frustating. There have been times when I, just like you, couldn't get it up with some very hot playmates. In fact, our very first time (with 2 other couples yet ) ended up with every one having fun, but I couldn't get it up So I can appreciate your frustration. What I've found works for me is being as comfortable and relaxed as I can be. Have you tried a hottub for a warmup? Erections are very easy to come by nude in a hottub when hands are wandering beneath the water Makes for an easy transition to the bedroom ......or even out on the deck Or how about getting frisky with your playmate before you get nekkid. I'll bet if you make out with her first while the clothes are still on......you know getting hot and heavy like you were teenagers....that you'll easily get aroused. Then once you are good and hard, take it to the next level....maybe taking her while you both are still clothed. Just put yourself in some comfortable sexy situations and you'll find yourself easily aroused. And when you do......jump on it Your confidense will be back strong.

 

Brett

[MrsPandMe 150]

Hey first off WELCOME! As SW PA had mentioned, this topic is certainly nothing new in the swinging circles, and I dare say it's the BIG DARK SECRET no one likes to talk about. Something to do with male machismo and the such. I know exactly how you feel because I was in the exact same situation for a while. Everything is going great, everyone is having a wonderful time, and when it's finally time to make the move, Dick heads for his shell! Like you, I wasn't in situations where you'd expect to have performance issues (at home, with a couple that is clearly into it and you, relaxed, feeling good, couple is SMOKIN hot), yet for whatever reason I couldn't get that damn thing in gear.

 

As PA had also eluded to, there is no boilerplate solution to the problem, as everyone is wired a little bit different, but there are a lot of discussions on the issue in the archives ( Performance/ Erection Issues - The Swingers Board ). A few things I have personally learned...

 

This is DEFINITELY a psychological issue. You said so yourself, you can get hard enough to cut diamonds with your wife, so everything works fine. What you might not realize is this isn't a "high brain function" issue. Think about it, logically, you shouldn't have a problem. Hot chick wants to screw your brains out. Duh! Yet the more you will your dick to get hard, the more it rebels! What's happening is that though we've certainly evolved over the last million or so years, we still carry that little caveman inside us and like it or not, you and I are still subjected to "alpha male" syndrome. So, the question of course is, how do I shove Grog back into his proverbial cave? That's the complicated part, but never forget the raging hard-on you can get at will with your wife. The shit works, you KNOW it works, so stop thinking about whether it will work!

 

The Magic Blue Pill. Ah yes, the miracle of modern chemistry! I am not ashamed to admit that this baby got me over the proverbial "hump" when I was falling on soft times. Some people seem to think that using something like Viagra is taboo, but honestly I can't understand why. After all, the point of this whole operation is to have fun and be able to please and be pleased. Who gives a damn HOW you got wood, you've got it! She's happy! DONE! Anyway, my point is this. You mentioned you tried the big V. My question is where did you get it? As of right now there is NO GENERIC VERSION of Viagra. Much as these websites would like you to believe there is, it just ain't true. The only way you KNOW you're getting the real McCoy is from a pharmacist. My advice is if you want to give the Big "V" a shot, ring up your doc and ask for a sample. All I can say is, I've talked to several guys who have had performance issues, and a majority of them saw results. THAT BEING SAID, here is my caution statement. Talk to your doctor before you try this stuff. Viagra works on the circulatory system, so if you have blood pressure or heart problems or are taking other medications, this stuff can screw you up.

 

Also, if you don't have insurance, Viagra costs more per ounce then gold. An alternative that I have heard has worked is something called "Stiff Nights". Oddly, it got pulled from the shelves because it contained an analog to Sildenafil (active ingredient in Viagra). Probably why it worked! It's still out there, but it'll take some work to find it. Good news is it's FAR more affordable then Viagra (last I heard around $80 for 30 pills). I've tried it and it seemed to hit me with the same side effects at V.

 

The only other thing I can think to say is, try to keep your mind off your dick. I know how difficult that can be when it's the problem, but if you can somehow distract yourself from Stubborn Willie and concentrate on something else, you might find that will do the trick.

 

Head to the archives, but don't read too much into it. Just stick to the facts. You know it works! Simple as that.

[wisconsin 58]

From a female prospective.

 

When I play with new partner I never undress him before I make sure I got a hard on. Some teasing, kissing, caressing. Men are visual people they need to see what they are playing with, let her undress first her bra, panties, show you her pussy and show you what's she got for you. I know how intimidating for some men can be a first time with a woman they never played before and when he stands in front of her naked with a limp one and desperately waiting for it to get up it could be too much for a fragile man's personality.Usually men need clues that they are doing something right, they can't read our minds.Just get more experienced couple or partner who understands newbies. Even with my regular partner I never made him stand in front of me naked when he isn't not ready. Lots of foreplay and teasing first only then his pants come of.

 

Especially men who are new to LS they can be timid and uncertain. They need to feel accepted and wanted and then everything will work.

I wouldn't tell your prospective partners that you have this problem. It automatically sets you up for a failure. Too much attention to this matter is never good. Get to know them, make yourself comfortable, maybe go in a separate rooms,don't get undressed right away, relax and you will have time of your life. Sometimes men can have guilt that they enjoy it too much and they don't want show it to their partner in order to protect their feelings, again separate room makes you feel relaxed and more willing to experiment without anybody watching you.

 

One more thing, I noticed many men we invited for 3 some would get limp when they see may husband's cock, almost always he is bigger and thicker. For some men who are not very confident it could be too much. They feel aroused but never get up fully erected. That's why I mentioned separate rooms, less distraction,more concentration on your partner and yourself.

 

That's funny how we all are different. You mentioned public speaking. I can't do public speaking at all I just freeze but have no problem making out with several guys in front big group of people and I won't be passive participant. I will be fully in control and lead it but no public speaking for me.I guess it's all matter of practice. The more you practice the more comfortable you feel.

 

Good luck.

[troubled 15]

Wow! Thank you for the welcomes and all the detailed and thoughtful responses! What a community! Sorry it has taken me so long to respond back to the follow up questions - I couldn't post again until my account was verified.

 

SW_PA_Couple: I am pretty convinced the issue is not the presence of my wife. Most of my play attempts have been in separate rooms. Some with her. No real difference. We are both really comfortable and secure with each other having a GREAT time.

 

MN Tom: I'd say my erections when attempting to play are a mix of nothing happening, to erections that go away. I have not even got to the point of putting on a condom, except with the one successful play partner I had. I think you are on to something with trying to influence my mental state/mind blocking.

 

WildMiCouple: I think you are dead on with my need to be comfortable. Unfortunately, this seems to take a lot of encounters with the right person for me (for example, my one success that took 5+ dates before I got there). We happen to have a hot tub, and I did get an erection in the tub on our first play attempt with the couple we recently have been seeing. Then we went upstairs to the bedroom (separate rooms), and it was nowhere to be found As you say, perhaps I need to jump on it...

 

MrsPandMe: I did try Viagra, but as you suspected, it was not an "authentic" version. I ordered it from India.. maybe not the smartest idea, but 10x cheaper... In experiments with my wife, it seems to make a difference, but like I said, not really necessary. At 100mg with playmates, no difference. I will look into trying the real deal. I also hit the archives - more on that later.

 

wisconsin: You got me - "timid and uncertain. They need to feel accepted and wanted and then everything will work". That's me. Delayed undressing is also an interesting idea. As I mentioned earlier, I don't think my wife is the issue - have tried separate rooms... As for public speaking - remember the "imagine the people in the room are naked" trick? I tried that, but she was already naked and it didn't work

 

 

Again, THANK YOU to all those trying to help. We want this to work as we have had some great times!

[JM153 346]

Troubled, You have undoubtedly encountered the most vexing issue men face in swinging. Our brains are so important to our successful functioning and at the same time when we do not function so difficult to decipher. It happens to so many men that one would think there must be a common psychological source, yet it appears there are as many causes as there are men. In reading antidotes on this board you will learn that many men have struggled with this issue and have finally found solutions that work for them. You have probably asked yourself why and have not received a helpful answer. I suggest that as you read about others experiences pay attention to what feels like it may be true for you and then try their work around. If you want to seek help of others then turn to a sex positive physician and/or counselor. The physician can help you understand how to properly use medication and a counselor can help you understand the psychological origin of the erection resistance. There is a clue in your posts that if I were you I would want to examine. The partner you finally had success with was one you became very attached to - you mentioned almost polyamory. This would lead me to believe you may have a need for a strong emotional connection to a woman you have sex with. If I were you and working with a counselor I would want to explore this possible need and how to change my behavior so I could enjoy non emotional sex. Of course this may not be the issue at all - just something that stood out to me. One truism in this area is the more you worry about it the softer it becomes. You mentioned athletics - you no doubt are aware that the worst thing a coach can say to a batter is "don't swing at the high fast ball" because the batter will do exactly that. If I tell you not to think about an elephant in your living room, you will visualize an elephant in your living room. So keep your thoughts positive. Good luck and let us know how things go.

[wisconsin 58]

As I said previously I won't even reach down to his cock until I make sure I got a fully erected cock. Teasing, kissing,slowly undressing, work her up a little bit. I usually press myself hard into him and check his progress , move my hips a little bit and feel what I have got there. Don't like starting in a bed, couch is a good start or just standing in front of each other...

 

Most of women like men who is leading and knows what he is doing so offer her your game gently but make sure she follows you.

If I had played with a man for 10-15 min and he is barely responding I know he is too stressed out and I probably won't get anything out of him even if i will blow him for 30 min.

 

Women warm up little bit slower then men, make sure she is nice and wet, ask her to play with herself so you can watch it. Don't touch your cock either it will do it's job as soon as you will see you are doing something right and she is hot and ready for you.

[bjersr 49]

You didn't state how old you are. At about the age of 35 Testosterone levels start falling off. This can definately effect the quality of your erections. I started having a problem with the quality of my erections. I would get hard and then it would kind of go down a little and I would have trouble climaxing. I finally went to my doc (I was 43) he checked my Testosterone levels and mine were below normal. I started taking injections and about 3 or 4 weeks later it was like I was 18 again. Injections are not the only way. There is a cream, and patches. The injections work the best however and are cheaper than the cream or patches. Please go and get checked it's a simple blood test and you will know. It also helps with sleep patterns, weight gain, and cholesterol levels, and mood changes. It has been a miracle drug for me.

[troubled 15]

As you suggest JM, an emotional bond does seem critical to my success. Before I even started, the notion of "sport fucking" didn't really appeal to me. I even think I am much more on the other extreme. Having said that, I would like to be able to enjoy sex with a woman I know, like, and have some connection with. I don't want to have to be significantly attached. I think that in my case the emotional connection leads to comfort which leads to sexual success. I am hoping that this is not the only thing that allows me to be comfortable.

 

You mentioned medication... I did read a thread on the forum where someone suggested anti-anxiety medication (valium, xanax, etc). I'd prefer not go this route for several reasons. First, I am guessing it would be difficult to find a doc that would support using these potentially addictive drugs for a potentially unhealthy activity like swinging. It also would not be easy to bring up. Then of course I would prefer not require medication to get there. I suppose if it was a bridge to comfort and confidence it would be OK. Are there really docs experienced in this kind of thing?

 

One thing I read suggested would be to find another couple that has a male with a similar challenge. This was interesting, but we have a hard enough time finding people we like enough to consider sex; adding another filter will make this more challenging.

 

Wisconsin - In our most recent experienced, the four of us tried same room (third sexual meeting with this couple, first time same room). As I mentioned, things didn't work for me, and we did all start naked in bed. After she and I tried for a bit, I stayed on the periphery, and the three of them had fun. As I "lightly" participated, I got an erection. Didn't really want to jump up and say "Hallelujah", so I just let things go on.

 

Thanks again for the comments!

[WildMiCouple 325]

We happen to have a hot tub, and I did get an erection in the tub on our first play attempt with the couple we recently have been seeing. Then we went upstairs to the bedroom (separate rooms), and it was nowhere to be found As you say, perhaps I need to jump on it...

Troubled......don't make this more complicated than it is. You don't need to go see a professional......just pay attention to yourself. You said above that you got a woody in the hottub. So......use it when it's there Next time in the hottub.....fuck her on the edge after you're sportin'. When you're aroused.......geez.....don't dilly-dally around.....bend her over Come on.....take advantage of the situation. To put it bluntly.....when you've got a boner......fuck her

 

Good luck and don't overthink this.

Brett

[charms123 52]

Troubled...

 

As I understand it, you do not have trouble standing at attention with the wife... If so...

 

Let me go off the board here with my Joker and off this....

 

When you guys start, have someone blindfold you and have wife start on you... At some point, trade off... this way you have a comfort level to start and the wife can encourage you.

 

Do you like dirty talk? throw some of that in. Hubby can be like that with new people. While she is playing with him, I whisper things like "Baby, her mouth is taking all of your cock and you should see it appear and disappear.. I cannot want it see it get lost in her hot pussy...."

 

Ok maybe that does not read as hot as I say it in a Marilyn Monroe-type voice (Happy Birthday Mr. President) but it works for him!

 

Think outside the box to give him a little help!

 

Good luck.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Why is a hard cock the end all and be all of sex for a man??? If it doesn't get erect, the game isn't over. For many women orgasms are not the province of fucking; they need more attention. So go down on her, give her a bunch of orgasms, enjoy the taste and energy of her sexual moans and pleasures.

 

Needing some kind of connection with the woman is much more common than men often let on, or even women let on. We've never been fans of the sport fuck. That's why we're not club and party players. The first time with a woman rarely progresses to penetration for me, unless there is a nice connection quickly. Sure age may play a factor, but age is part of life and I prefer to embrace it and work with all that age offers rather than takes away.

 

Viagra doesn't work for me unless there is that connection. I do not like the headache and stuffiness that almost always accompanies it. I'd rather be clear and erectionless than hard and stuffed. My advice is to relax and not worry about it. If the connection is there enjoy it. If it's not there enough for an erection, then enjoy it with lips, tongue, hands and fingers. It can be very hot without penetration and something different and unique for her.

[MrsPandMe 150]

L&L does hit on a great point. Your dick isn't your only weapon in the pleasure arsenal! Most women I've been with really love oral, and it's a great way to take your mind off you and keep it on her!

 

As for the Indian Viagra, yeah, not the real thing. Again, as L&L said, even with the blue pill on board, you have to be into it. I have found that the V helps me to keep the erection I would have gotten anyway, and it's really helpful for those times where you're fucking around trying to get the condom on, or moving to another room, or whatever other things happen that become delays and, ultimately, wood killers. It also helps me with recovery should I lose my bone. Anyway, if you don't want to see the doc about this, you could try the Stiff Nights stuff. Heard good things about it, and it's over the counter, though you will need to look around for the stuff since it's effectively black market now.

 

The bottom line though, don't let your dick dictate the night. If you can't get it up, get on down and give her an oral lashing the likes of which she will not soon forget!

[realcplub2 513]

Troubled, the first thing to do is take your head, out of the equation. In your mind the performance anxiety is tripping you up, and taking you out of the game.

 

Sure, getting hard and finishing a round is a big deal, BUT, did anyone say there HAD TO BE? Or there is a TIME LIMIT? You are there to enjoy the company of friends.. they are there to PLAY.. So ... PLAY!!

 

Does your fingers stop working too? Did your oral skills leave the room too?

 

We all take part in this HOBBY/ LIFESTYLE for a basic reason

 

SEX IS FUN... Right? If you are SOOOO focused on hitting this mark or that one.. you arent really enjoying the GAME..

 

Sure there are times when its strip fuck and move along, quickies are better than a blank.. BUT, ask any woman, quickies are ok, but the toe curling mind numbing BLISS isnt usually associated with a QUICKIE

 

The other part is, these are willing partners.. so RELAX, they arent there to JUDGE you, they are there to PLAY..

 

Make any sense to you?

[joaninla 162]

Depending where you live, check out the Boston Medical Group. Many locations in large cities. Without going into a lot of details here, their approach has been incredible for a guy we often have MFM's with (great for me too!)

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Some great advice here, As someone whom has been active in the lifestyle for many years and had at points trouble with this myself. I have a few ideas for you to try.

 

Go to town with your mouth and fingers, make her cum, once that is done there is less pressure on you to "preform" you have done what you came to do and now you can relax.

 

Try a different position, there have been times when I was just not able to keep a hard on in the missionary position, but doggy or cowgirl did the trick just fine.

 

Practice with the condoms at home, once you are used to using them then it will make things easier.

 

Like others have said get your mind on other things.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You aren't alone, so don't remotely think you are. The difference between guys and girls is that for guys when they have performance issues, it's visible. For us girls, we can grab some lube and just keep going. A lot of us really need a bigger connection to our play partners than JUST physical attraction. It sounds like you are in that segment and the good news is that you've been able to prove it by getting past it and performing with someone you've gotten to know better (which puts you a step ahead of a lot of guys in your situation).

 

I know it's difficult but since you do know the issue now it will make life a lot easier if you can and do talk to your play partners about it and let them know that you will need to take things slow, and perhaps your first few times playing with a couple need to be planned to be soft swap so there isn't that pressure on you to perform.

 

As a woman, I'd appreciate knowing the situation and being told upfront that it's NOT ME. Trust me, every woman has this worry when we have a guy we can't get hard. So telling her BEFORE anything ever happens, before the clothes even come off with take a huge load off her mind.

[swmnkdinthervr 52]

To "MrsPandMe" and others...there IS a generic Viagra, Cialis and Levitra but you can't get it here. You can however get it in Canada through online sources. You will still need a prescription because their pharmacies are just as careful about your health. All the claims made by US pharmaceutical companies about buying in Canada are crap! Most of our drugs are now produced in India, under the same brand name/license as you see here and sold all over the world...it's just that other countries don't allow the US pharmaceutical companies to stretch out/extend a patent by changing the spelling of a word or a tiny percentage in the make up of the drug. The generics named above are available everywhere in the world but here and for about a tenth the price!!!

 

Oh yeah...the FDA doesn't test drugs to make sure you're safe...they take the word of the drug companies on the safety of your medications!!!

[exploringRM 305]

Oh yeah...the FDA doesn't test drugs to make sure you're safe...they take the word of the drug companies on the safety of your medications!!!

 

I work in an FDA regulated environment and you are correct the FDA themselves do not do the testing, but they are thorough on submission requirements. Additionally knowingly falsifying submissions has significant personal penalties: fines and jail time.

[twohots4u2 188]

As I have gotten older, I have had the same problem. Fortunately, a doctor I consulted, who also was a swinger, asked me if I had tried bi-mix shots. I was wary, shots in my cock! But, he showed me how, there was almost no pain because the needle was tiny, and it worked! Now before a swing party, I give myself a shot in my cock and I have a very nice erection for 2-1/2 to 3 hours.

 

My doctor told me that the shots were safer than Viagra, Apparently, while the medicine is similar, the shot is given locally in the cock and does not have to go throughout the blood stream as Viagra does to get there. Each shot cost $15, less than the pills.

 

So, see your urologist, and have a good hard time!

[Chicup 41]

Now before a swing party, I give myself a shot in my cock and I have a very nice erection for 2-1/2 to 3 hours.

 

[troubled 15]

Wow - you guys are all amazing. THANK YOU for the comments, and sorry I have not returned for so long.

 

Alas, my situation has not improved much, but not for lack of trying I think realcplub2 has it right for me - I need to take my head out of it. I have been with the same woman for so long. Even before marriage, I had a small number of partners, and only after a pretty serious relationship was established. So without knowing the person and that they have some basic care and respect for me, I think insecurity kicks in. Couple that with performance fear and you have... me and my problem!

 

I have tried numerous things - positions, talking about it, pills, mental exercises, etc. No real luck. I've even become concerned that this problem could bleed into sex with my wife - fortunately it hasn't.

 

We continue to enjoy our LS experiences (yes as suggested, I have had lots of oral sex It just isn't the same carrying this anxiety and of course the guilt of not satisfying my partners and finally myself.

 

The needles in the penis approach just seems too much for me. Not so much the needle, but this automatic and uncontrolled erection. I dunno... I think the next step for me is to discuss with a sex counselor. As JM153 suggested, I need to find a way to allow myself to enjoy sex without a serious emotional component. I have never seen a psyc* type doctor, so am a bit uncomfortable with the idea, but expect it may benefit me in other aspects of my life beyond swinging. Now I have to figure out how to find the right doc. Not exactly something you ask your neighbors or co-workers about!

 

Thanks again for all the helpful comments!

[Alura 2,774]

Sorry for starting late on this thread. I just want to share the following:

 

In 28 years of marriage, I never had a problem getting it up with my wife; even when we had play times in which I DID have the problem with Mrs. Playmate. I did have trouble with women whom I felt didn't want to be there. In both cases, we chose to not play with the couple again.

 

I also never had trouble with our long-term Mrs. Playmates. I got to know them well, although they were not poly situations. I think Julie has hit on something. You may need to spend more time getting to know your playmates.

 

I don't have to love a woman to fuck her, but I do need to like her and I do need to know she wants to be with me.

 

Especially on a first-swap, I liked to start with a massage... a nice slow one in which a lot of conversation took place. While rubbing her back and dropping an occasional kiss onto the back of her neck, I learned a lot about her by asking questions that can't be answered by "yes" or "no."

 

"Tell me about your home town."

 

"What attracts you most about swinging?"

 

"What does your husband do sexually that you really, really, like?"

 

"What's your favorite sexual fantasy?" (Laura would have told you that hers was to have three men: One vacuuming, one dusting, and one cooking.)

 

By the time I had her talking, we were both relaxed.

 

Also, there is an unconcious ritual we Americans are conditioned to go through before mating, according to Laura, who had degrees in both Psychology and Communication. She had made a study of Body Language, in particular. If I remember correctly the specific steps were:

 

1. Friendly conversation.

2. Light touching of the fingertips

3. Clasped hands

4. Hands clasped with fingers interlaced

5. Glances at lips

6. THE KISS!

 

Laura's theory was that we Americans are uneasy about a sexual relationship that doesn't proceed in this way. "Woe to the person who attempts a kiss before the fingers have been interlaced!" she once told me. "It throws the whole process off balance so that it seems wrong to us."

 

It's obvious the problem is not physical. Be patient, explore, and you'll find the reason for your discomfort. Keep us posted!

 

Alura

[Dont.Stop 339]

Great post Alura.

 

I'm in the same boat as the OP and next week we are set to meet (at least) 2 couples we've connected with on SLS, plus a date this weekend with local friends. The club scene, while fun, isn't (yet) conducive to my physical arousal. I've already figured out that I need some process, perhaps much like you've outlined, to pique my interest.

 

It's a common problem, and perhaps the older (and more sophisticated?) we get, the more the mental aspect becomes involved. If I 19 and had this problem I probably question my own sexuality.

 

And besides, the more you analyze it, the bigger the problem becomes. So I won't be posting to this topic again.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

One way to calm an overanxious mind is to drop the "must have intercourse in order to swing" attitude. Women can be very pleased with a change of pace, an erotic time with a new partner that focuses on other pleasures than penetration by a cock. There is oral, yes, and that is a wonderful mainstay if you are good at it and really enjoy it. But there's more, there's the whole nature of your touch during the play.

 

I like to start with a massage. Who doesn't enjoy a slow, very sensually erotic massage? The pressure to perform is off and as Alura suggested, it's a great way to get to know her, not only through conversation, but also through touch, what touch she enjoys, what arouses her. Follow the arousal. For me there is nothing more erection provoking than the arousal of a woman. So if you follow massage touch to where her arousal leads, you'll find her orgasms and you just might find an erection ready for penetration. Still, if your erection holds back, you don't have to. Follow her arousal to her orgasm or orgasms. She won't be complaining.

[Guest mike&leigh]

You say you tried Viagra and it didn't work..... How many times have you tried it? More than once?

 

I ask this because I too suffered a lot from anxiety. First time I tried Viagra it didn't work, but there were, I realized, a lot of other issues going on in my mind. I'd suggest you try it again, but maybe only take 1/2 or even 1/4 of a pill.

 

I take 1/4 of a pill each time just as 'insurance'. Does it work? I don't know but it puts my mind at ease and I have no trouble getting an erection.

Cheers

[MacNfries 123]

troubled ... I notice you haven't acknowledged going to your doctor and asking for a trial sample of Viagra yet. Have you done that yet? As several posters have already suggested, if you're ordering your pills off the internet, you're getting what you pay for. A year or so ago 60 Minutes ran a segment on prescription drug fraud. Some of the suppliers, even in the USA, were getting some of their supplies from overseas, as well as Canada, and they were fake. Some really serious types of medications ...liver disease, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

 

So, if you haven't tried a Viagra sample from your doctor, I really encourage you to try it before going to a counselor. I'm betting that's going to be your ticket, man!

 

Something else to try as well, and this is more to help get your largest sex organ (brain) in line with whats going on. As you are providing oral on your new partner, peel back the hood to the clit, and really investigate that "little guy in the boat", and give it some thoughtful, and special attention. What you're wanting to do here is take your mind off your second largest sex organ and focus on her's to reprogram your mind. This female checkup even works on spouses when the excitement of sex begins to falter a bit. lol