She had a better experience...

[Guest Unregistered]

My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for about a year. We have had lots of fun and met some great couples. We have grown closer through the lifestyle and dramatically improved our communication and trust in each other, not to mention being better lovers for each other. We have always had a fantastic sexual connection together.

 

A couple of weekends ago we decided to stay the night for the first time at another couples house who we had met at a club and chatted with online extensively. All went well, we went to dinner, did some flirting and eventually all ended up in bed. At first it was awesome, I could tell my wife was having fun, I was having fun - all is well.

 

Eventually (after about 3 hours of playing) though I felt like I was feeling a little disconnected with her. As either of us do when we start to feel this way, I moved closer to her when we had a little 'down' time and touched her. Rather than react / reassure me, I felt her pull away. This happened a couple of times and I could tell she was really connected with her playmate. While this really started to make me feel more disconnected and anxious, I could also tell she was really really enjoying her playmate. I am truly happy that she enjoyed herself as she has probably had more disappointing experiences than enjoyable ones over the last year.

 

Even in the moment I was aware that my disconnected / anxious feelings were all about my own insecurities. Unfortunately, I was still feeling the way I was feeling. Ever since we started swinging, I was aware that she would eventually have a playmate that might make her feel better physically than I do. I have such mixed emotions about it. Loving seeing her feel so good vs. disappointment that I don't make her feel that way.

 

In looking back I should have been more direct in communicating my feelings to her in the moment, perhaps even suggesting we take a break and going to the other room. I was worried about disappointing her knowing that she was really enjoying herself and creating "drama". We have discussed this all with each other and I take ownership for my own insecurity. She has never said flat out said that he made her feel better but I certainly have not pushed the issue, nor do I feel that I need to. Perhaps I should add that I have not had a play partner that was ever even close to making me feel physically what my wife makes me feel.

 

Ultimately, I would like to get to the point that I don't have that kind of insecurity and concerns around being disconnected. I think it would make me a better husband. I should add that I am not at all worried about her having an emotional connection. I didn't think or feel that way at the time and I don't now two weeks later.

 

Bottomline: I am feeling the dilemma of being happy for her and being disappointed - anyone else ever feel that way?

- any suggestions on how to handle the situation better?

- Anyone have similar feelings and work through them over time?

 

Sorry about the long post - even writing this all out has helped my clarify my thoughts. I really appreciate any help / comments / suggestions.

 

D

[padoc 1,703]

In a perfect world, everybody would have exactly the same amount of fun, the same orgasms and the same sense of satisfaction. It ain't a perfect world. She had a better time than you, so what? Her partner hit her buttons and she enjoyed it, be happy for her. If you continue in the ls, there will be a time when the situation is reversed. Surely, she had lovers before you, maybe better. Again, so what? It's over, move on and don't belabor the point either in your head or with her. If you remain hung up on an issue like this, you might want to revisit your decision to swing.

[dandkm 15]

You are right - I appreciate the tough love

[wisconsin 58]

Let me tell you something and probably half of swingers community or even more would not agree with me. I know my (ours) way of thinking slightly different then most of the people here but it doesn't make us to be worse lovers or spouses. You are welcome to trash my post if you want...

We started playing separately because it was easier to find a right match without taking one for the team.

In a beginning of our journey I found a partner who could push all the right buttons. I don't like multitasking and I believe my playmates deserve my undivided attention so do I. It helps better with energy exchange.

And really what kind of BJ can you do when you get pounded same time, or you have to constantly think, "Do I show that enjoy it too much, should I slow down,what is the wife of my playmate thinking,is everybody ok?''

I requested 1 on 1 session with my new partner. My husband agreed. He has a big heart and he really wants me to be happy.

At first it was hard because when I would come home I would be disconnected and my mind would be everywhere. I would think about my playmate I would constantly replay our session in my mind. My head is usually spinning when I come home in a morning or late at night after 6 hours of a sexual bliss. My hubby is a smart man he knows everything and can see that, I can't hind it.

What helped me was I stopped comparing them. They are both great and both have different techniques, skills. I love them both even they are very different. I guess I am more of a polyamorous person then a swinger.

I read somewhere that definition of true love is when you put your spouse’s interests ahead of yours. My husband is man who has a core and has a big heart and I wouldn't trade him for anybody, no matter how good this person makes me feel.

This situation makes you feel confused and scared and you have all rights to be scared. When you start swinging you always have a chance that your spouse find somebody better but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Communicate with her validate both of your feelings, don't blame her and give her some time. She is in a aftermath stage yet. It will go away and she would cool down. Swinging has its potential risks that's why only stable couples can do that.

We all go trough different stages in our lives and hopefully we come out as a better spouses, partners, lovers. We start appreciating a lot if things we never thought of. Sorry, I know I rumble sometimes.

For most of the women it's really hard to find a right match, so be happy for her.

[Powerglide 235]

Wisconsin nailed it: 'What helped me was I stopped comparing them" -- Well, that's the crux, isn't it. And every delightful sexual encounter is delightful in its own way. Your wife almost certainly isn't comparing, so why are you?

 

Two, anyone who swings need to know that the longer you swing the more inevitable it becomes that she will find someone with better stuff. And she's going to really enjoy it. I mean, really enjoy it. Would you want it any other way?

 

Three, you frame the issue in two ways, as "she had a better experience," and as "he made her feel better." First, "better" than what? What she had was an experience in a particular time and place that was really good. It is not reproducible; it depended on a very particular and unique set of circumstances. Second, sorry to tell all you, but it's not just, or even primarily, the sexual prowess of the guy that determines how much fun she has. My SO is constantly telling me that I'm a terrific lover, but truth be told, it's her enjoyment that makes the sex great. I just scramble to keep up.

 

Finally, let it inspire you. When we're playing in different rooms, I sometimes hear my SO's sexual vocalizations reach new heights. At first this did trigger a twinge or two of anxiety, but now I just think, just wait til the next time; I'll show her some new heights, by golly! It keeps our sex fresh as I keep trying to find new ways to please her.

[exploringRM 305]

Why not make a point of connecting after? Sure you may have wanted reassurance at that very moment, but don't dwell on it.

[incommunicado 228]

There's an old phrase, "just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean people aren't out to get you."

 

Just because you are insecure or uncomfortable about something doesn't mean you are wrong.

 

If what you were seeing was just her experiencing great pleasure, and it made you insecure, it's understandable, and overcomable. But, the way you described, if I am not misinterpreting your writing, was the kind of "Our eyes locked, our clothes came off, and we fucked for hours in the middle of the freeway," kind of passion that I have heard swingers say they stopped seeing people because of. The connection was too strong and it risked jeopardizing the primary relationship. And, I agree with this.

 

My wife always makes a human and a physical connection. But, she never loses sight of her connection to me. Even when she is getting pounded by a guy with a 10 inch penis and is caught up in pleasure, she never loses sight of me. She would never push me away because she either wanted so much attention on her partner that she couldn't stand to touch my hand, or because she wanted to, possibly, not be reminded that there is someone else she should be anchored to. Even when she has played separately, she does it with me in mind. I gave her permission, I asked for a story. She says, it's easy to do, because it's like I'm there with her. And she never comes home acting like she needs time to reconnect with me.

 

What Wisconsin describes as the way she does things, sounds a lot like what you described your wife doing. And, I have to say I'm one of those folks that will disagree with her, politely. I believe you can be emotionally connected to a partner, and enjoy great pleasure with them, without being carried away by them so much that it takes you time to pull yourself 100 percent; back from them, and give yourself 100 percent; back to the person you belong with. Sure you replay it in your head. It was hot. Then you replay it for your partner.

 

If someone is physically better, you can be glad for your partner, and you can learn what they know. But, if your partner connects with that person on a noticeably greater, more visceral level, than you do, and that connection manifests in the way they have sex, I believe it's something to be concerned about and avoided

 

One of the more pervasive undercurrents I have noticed lately in topics is of men that are getting insecure, however justifiably so, and being told to "buck up", because they are only threatened by their wives' pleasure and shouldn't deprive them. Isn't one of the first rules, of swinging, that if either partner isn't comfortable with something it stops? You shouldn't be afraid to tell her you want to back things off, or back away from HIM. Does that mean depriving her of pleasure? Hell yes. Sorry. She's YOUR wife. If necessary, she can get pleasure from you.

 

Hope this gives another perspective. Good luck.

[exploringRM 305]

My take on the "buck up" responses is they appear when one half is enjoying swinging, but has issues when their perception (which can be real or clouded) is that their partner is enjoying it too much, or is not giving them the attention they desire at that moment (physical or emotional). The phrases "be careful what you wish for" or "you can't put the genie back into the bottle" come to mind.

 

Sex is powerful and people are drawn into and react different ways when they are with a playmate. And every situation can be different. The original poster knew his wife was really into her playmate as well as recognizing the issue is his.

 

Are these feelings real? yes. Do they need to discuss this right away, perhaps if it really becomes an issue? One either adjusts the behavior/expectations (and that can be hers or his) or they remove themselves from the situations that causes it.

[lovinher 505]

Well I guess I'm one of those insecure males also then. If my wife pulled away from me (a couple of times) I would have been upset and had a WTF moment in my head. When given the chance (during a break) I would have politely asked for a moment alone and had a conversation. Not too accuse or be confrontational, but to reconnect and discuss it. I would have been very honest with what I was feeling and asked why she pulled away. You messed up by not communicating at the time. She messed up by blowing you off when you needed her.

 

Knowing our relationship, everything would have been fine. If you can't talk about these things without it turning bad, then you shouldn't be swinging. As you said yourself, you should have been more direct at the moment.

 

As far as her having a better time than you or really getting into her partner, it's going happen and I'd have been happy for her. For me, it's all about her pleasure.

 

This is one of those posts where if the male half had pulled away most of the responses would have been different.

 

I like what incommunicado said so no need to repeat it-well put.

[incommunicado 228]

My take on the "buck up" responses is they appear when one half is enjoying swinging, but has issues when their perception (which can be real or clouded) is that their partner is enjoying it too much, or is not giving them the attention they desire at that moment (physical or emotional). The phrases "be careful what you wish for" or "you can't put the genie back into the bottle" come to mind.

 

Sex is powerful and people are drawn into and react different ways when they are with a playmate. And every situation can be different. The original poster knew his wife was really into her playmate as well as recognizing the issue is his.

 

Are these feelings real? yes. Do they need to discuss this right away, perhaps if it really becomes an issue? One either adjusts the behavior/expectations (and that can be hers or his) or they remove themselves from the situations that causes it.

 

I would completely agree on most accounts. But, in recognizing the issue as his, he questions the accuracy of his perceptions of her behavior. He MIGHT not be wrong about what he saw and experienced when he tried to connect with her. She MAY have been not just really caught up, but TOO caught up.

 

My wife is the ultimate hostess. She may get very into her partners, and very en-rapt in what she is feeling. She may be experiencing something I can't give her (see afore-mentioned 10 inch penis). But I'm always part of the equation, and she can, and will, always pull back from it for me.

 

What I'm getting at is, he may be very emotionally close to the situation. But, she pushed his hand away when he needed to connect with her. She didn't want him to be part of the equation, even as her "anchor" because she was so wrapped up in her partner.

 

Let's give the benefit of the doubt and suggest that, perhaps the original poster's emotional state caused him to misinterpret what happened. Let's say she didn't REALLY push him away, he just thought she did. He should still be able to talk with her about it. She should be willing and able to put his mind at ease, at least for the moment. But, if it happens again...NOT her extreme pleasure, BUT her pushing her husband away, he would not be wrong in asking her to NOT be with him anymore. Because the connection is threatening.

 

I realize when someone seems TOO close to a situation, it's easy to dismiss, or diminish their perception of an experience. I've seen it with my own eyes what happens when two people connect and lock onto each other like that. I was emotionally close to the situation. I also wasn't wrong about what I saw or the harm it can do. You don't have to be swingers for it to happen, and it seriously risks crossing a line.

[wisconsin 58]

In swinging there are always lines that can be crossed, that's why we sit down and talk about it and make sure our feelings are acknowledged.

Incommunicado...

Your quote''

What Wisconsin describes as the way she does things, sounds a lot like what you described your wife doing. And, I have to say I'm one of those folks that will disagree with her, politely. I believe you can be emotionally connected to a partner, and enjoy great pleasure with them, without being carried away by them so much that it takes you time to pull yourself 100 percent; back from them, and give yourself 100 percent; back to the person you belong with. Sure you replay it in your head. It was hot. Then you replay it for your partner.''

Thanks for your polite disagreement with me.

We all are different and have different opinions. You are a man and men think slightly different then women.:)How many times you have seen people saying they want friends first and then playmates . They all want some sort of connection, especially us women. We don't need love from our playmates, (oh,well maybe I do from my BF:blush:) but we need to like this person in order to get better sexual experience. I tell my BF,'' you want passion in bed, you get it everywhere.''We all get carried away sometimes..

 

How many times we saw our kids playing with their toys and if some kid takes their favorite toy away their primary reaction is to push this person and get their toy back.I know it's primitive example and we as adults should know better, but it takes time to disengage from what you were enjoying and get back to reality, especially if you got very good toy to play with.

Some partners can be very good and completely blow you away, or chemistry can be to strong.

 

I personally believe that I don't need my husband to hold my hand when I am getting pounded by 10 inch cock and I don't want think about my husband all that time and I don't expect him think about me either. When I am with somebody I believe that they deserve my undivided attention and I expect it in return. Don't want be a tool in their sexual exploration. I am not a vibrator or a rubber doll you order from a sex shop.

 

There were times when my hubby would be done faster then me and I would enjoy myself with my partner. My hubby would just go in a kitchen get some snacks,chat with somebody and wait for me until I am done or just find other playmate to play with ,yes I would have to cut my session slightly shorter if I see him already done. Don't want drama. Nobody is perfect and I don't push him too much, men are fragile creatures and should be handled with care...

I always tell my husband,''I won't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, last thing in a world I want do is to get my pleasure by your expense,nobody is worth of our arguments, especially a stranger in our bed, but please don't show me that you own me.''

Talk to her and next time she will handle the situation more gently.

[sexcupid 809]

Okay...just so I am clear, you haven't spoken to your wife about how you are feeling?

 

When you do, it really needs to happen, be mindful of your phrasing. For example, saying something like "I was feeling a bit disconnected when we were playing with so and so...when I reached over to reconnect with you it seemed like you were pulling away from me and I felt even more disconnected and it threw me off kilter...can we talk about it?" is more conducive opening than "you made me feel worse by pulling away". Hopefully the difference is apparent in these approaches.

 

Just a few more questions, is this the first time you and your wife have had an extended play time like this? When you say you attempted this during 'down time' what was actually happening? Since by your description she was obviously still engrossed in some activity.

[incommunicado 228]

In swinging there are always lines that can be crossed, that's why we sit down and talk about it and make sure our feelings are acknowledged.

Incommunicado...

Your quote''

What Wisconsin describes as the way she does things, sounds a lot like what you described your wife doing. And, I have to say I'm one of those folks that will disagree with her, politely. I believe you can be emotionally connected to a partner, and enjoy great pleasure with them, without being carried away by them so much that it takes you time to pull yourself 100 percent; back from them, and give yourself 100 percent; back to the person you belong with. Sure you replay it in your head. It was hot. Then you replay it for your partner.''

Thanks for your polite disagreement with me.

We all are different and have different opinions. You are a man and men think slightly different then women.:)How many times you have seen people saying they want friends first and then playmates . They all want some sort of connection, especially us women. We don't need love from our playmates, (oh,well maybe I do from my BF:blush:) but we need to like this person in order to get better sexual experience. I tell my BF,'' you want passion in bed, you get it everywhere.''We all get carried away sometimes..

 

How many times we saw our kids playing with their toys and if some kid takes their favorite toy away their primary reaction is to push this person and get their toy back.I know it's primitive example and we as adults should know better, but it takes time to disengage from what you were enjoying and get back to reality, especially if you got very good toy to play with.

Some partners can be very good and completely blow you away, or chemistry can be to strong.

 

I personally believe that I don't need my husband to hold my hand when I am getting pounded by 10 inch cock and I don't want think about my husband all that time and I don't expect him think about me either. When I am with somebody I believe that they deserve my undivided attention and I expect it in return. Don't want be a tool in their sexual exploration. I am not a vibrator or a rubber doll you order from a sex shop.

 

There were times when my hubby would be done faster then me and I would enjoy myself with my partner. My hubby would just go in a kitchen get some snacks,chat with somebody and wait for me until I am done or just find other playmate to play with ,yes I would have to cut my session slightly shorter if I see him already done. Don't want drama. Nobody is perfect and I don't push him too much, men are fragile creatures and should be handled with care...

I always tell my husband,''I won't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, last thing in a world I want do is to get my pleasure by your expense,nobody is worth of our arguments, especially a stranger in our bed, but please don't show me that you own me.''

Talk to her and next time she will handle the situation more gently.

 

I'm a lot more like a woman in my thinking than my wife is. I need friendship and trust. What made swinging work for me was that our main partners were vanilla friends we had known for 6 , 11 and 12 years respectively. There was a lot of social intimacy and trust in addition to the attraction that ultimately led us to play. The few people we have played with in the lifestyle, were people we just managed to hit it off with, but there was definitely a "friends first" kind of connection. For my wife, a strong, confident personality, some attractiveness, and my permission, and she's ready to roll. Sure, there's a social interaction, but I could take weeks or months to bond enough with people and she can take an hour or two.

 

So, closeness, friendship and trust are something I think you and I can agree upon. But, that may be where we split off in our thinking. I used the sex toy analogy, to say that, playmates, however close our friendship may be with them, are not people we bond with on either a romantic level, or one of irresistible, mountain moving passion for one another level. To us, there's a huge difference between being very attracted and turned on my someone and being so swept up in a giant wave of ardeur with them. It's one thing to come down from your orgasm. It's another thing entirely to have to come down from your partner because they are so intoxicating, and to reconnect with your husband or wife.

 

But, we're not poly-amorous in the slightest. Our feelings, attraction, and connection to others will never be allowed to be that strong. And, on the rare occasion it's become too intense, we've cut it off. We also don't belief that we (note I said WE, not YOU) can be "in love" with more than one person at a time. And, if it seems to happen, we believe that it is because love and connection is being taken away from someone else. This is what we attribute to that need to come down and reconnect with a spouse after an incredibly connected sexual experience. It's because emotional energy that would normally always belong to your spouse, was given completely to someone else, and has to be taken back from the other person to be given to your spouse again.

 

But, I agree, in the end, it's about what you and your partner agree too, and how you maintain your communication with one another.

 

I think the questions the original poster still needs to answer are: Was his wife really having just a great time, or did she get a little too swept away? And, what is there comfort level.

 

I would find the level of intensity he described seeing, and you describe in your situation as very threatening to my relationship. I want my wife to have a great time. I don't want her even temporarily "in love with", or unable to resist, another man. I would be very hurt if my wife pushed me away like that, or if my wife didn't want to have to think about me all the time while she was having sex with someone else. For us (different strokes, I understand) being a presence in each others hearts and minds, whether we are playing together or along, is important to us. s

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sometimes we get more out of writing a post than we do out of the answers given. I think you already have the answers you were seeking.

 

As for the insecurity, I think we've all felt it at some point, so no you aren't alone.