Could you give up swinging for your spouse?

[incommunicado 228]

I've seen a lot of threads lately where the wife has an experience that shakes the husband's confidence. I've also seen posts, periodically, that say something like, my wife/my husband, wants to quit swinging, and I don't, what should I do?

 

All situations the did, or could, call into question continuing in swinging.

 

Which made me wonder...

 

Could you quit? I mean for good. Not bide your time until he/she comes around again. Could you walk away from it today, (virtually) never look back, and live happily only having sex with your spouse for the rest of your life?

 

I'll start... I could.

[bicuriocpl 90]

Seeing as its all about her happiness, I could.

[LFM2 1,482]

I could quit in an instant. I'm pretty sure would Dave would say the same thing.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Well, it's easy to say it.

 

My wife joined me in the early years of our marriage and then she decided to quit so I had to as well.

 

I was OK with it except for when those 'opportunities' just fell out of the sky and I had to pretend I wasn't aware of what might have been each time.

 

Then when she, on her own twenty years later, decided that we could soft swing again if we found the right couple I was on clowd nine! And, we had some really fun times for several years before she, once again, decided enough.

 

I miss it a lot and do have some regrets of all the, what might have beens.

 

But I never, ever, even once..., gave any thought to us splitting up over this difference in opinion.

 

Remember the old WW2 song, 'How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm, after the've seen Paris'? Well, if you find the excitement and adventure of any form of swinging fun, then you're always going to want it.

 

It's easy to say you could give up chocolate but you'll always look in the window and smell that fragrance when you pass a Godiva store in a mall, right?

 

OK, hope this doesn't sound like I'm ditzing the folks who say they could. But, I am being honest about my feelings. And, I wouldn't have remained a member here, after my wife discontinued her participation, if I didn't still hold out hope that someday, some couple, will once again pique her interest.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

ViSexual, I don't feel ditzed by your comments. I think anyone who understands themselves, as well as their partner and the dynamics of their relationship would understand clearly what you've said. Thinking of what could have been.... Is met with a smile, of just knowing the possibilities.

 

We can turn off the physical swinging, in one short conversation. But we can't erase memories of those experiences we shared, nor the people we shared them with. That, we would never ask of each other.

[exploringRM 305]

I voted Yes, but it would not be an easy over, done, don't look back situation. We have come to enjoy our swing friends for more than just sex. It is fun hanging out in l/s atmosphere. I think it would be difficult to become swinging celebate but still try to maintain (or attending) the social aspect.

[incommunicado 228]

I voted Yes, but it would not be an easy over, done, don't look back situation. We have come to enjoy our swing friends for more than just sex. It is fun hanging out in l/s atmosphere. I think it would be difficult to become swinging celebate but still try to maintain (or attending) the social aspect.

 

I agree with everyone who said they could do it, but not erase the memories. We have an advantage, in that our swinging has been VERY infrequent, and we have no friends in the lifestyle to give up or try to transition to vanilla status.

[red96 17]

We have been inactive for about a year now. A change in jobs and our schedules made it a necessity. Hubby works allot of weekends, so whatever down time we do have we keep for ourselves and family. If things change we will pickup where we left off. We have each other and that is all we really need.

[incommunicado 228]

I find the poll results very interesting thus far...

 

Better than twice as many men, as women have posted that they could just quit for their spouse. I wonder if that is because more men than women have read the thread? Or have women who read it have abstained from voting?

 

I also see that, of the few that voted "NO", 3 times the number of women voted "NO", than men. I find this interesting because of the stats that it's the men that get the women into swinging and the women that take to it like ducks to water.

 

Considering that sex outside the marriage has been know to end even swinging marriages, this begs the question... if you couldn't or wouldn't quite swinging for your spouse, if he/she asked you to, what would be the alternative? An ultimatum? Cheating? Are you prepared to sacrifice your relationship if it came down to it? Are you prepared to counter "You would if you value our relationship." with "You wouldn't ask me to if you did."?

 

At the end of the day, what price are you willing to pay?

 

Thank you all for playing our show!

[couplers 4,648]

Hi, this is Petra. I am a woman that voted "No." My husband and I are in a poly situation where both hubby and I have our respective lovers. Being intimate with another sexual partner has become so much of what I am, and what we are, that for him to just demand that I become monogamous (or for him to become monogamous) would represent such a change in his personality and our relationship that hubby would no longer be the man I know.

 

Having said that an outright insistence on monogamy would be unacceptable doesn't mean that hubby is not my first priority. Before I had my one other sexual relationship besides my current bf, I discussed it with hubby and had his approval (actually, encouragement), as did he with the other girlfriends/play partners he has had. So if it were a matter of simple sex on the side the issue would be easy. Now that we both have deep feelings for other our lovers (and I for her as well), it would be extremely difficult if a dispute broke out between the guys or us girls and demands were made. Fortunately, that hasn't happened and actually the roles each of us have among the four, although very asymmetric, seem to be getting more solid as time goes on.

 

Anyone else have this observation, that a demand for monogamy would make your spouse seem like a different person?

[LuvliLady 15]

Part of the difficulty in us having to give up the lifestyle, is we have been in it for so long that the majority of our close friends are also swingers. We travel together, we go out to vanilla events together, we watch each others children, we support each others children playing ball, in plays, etc. We would be giving up our lives as we know it, not just the sex.

 

We could easily live a monogamous lifestyle, without giving up the friends we've gotten close to in the lifestyle. It is a lifestyle choice with us, not just about sex.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I could and would. Would I miss it, hell yes, but I would miss her more. So it is an easy call for me.

[sweet_tna 680]

Absolutely, and I know Mr. Sweet feels the same. In fact, we that conversation just yesterday. I was frustrated, and debating walking away from the lifestyle. My hubby said without hesitation, "If that's what you want, then I have no problem with that." He didn't even ask why first.

 

Yes, we'd always have the memories, but our future together is way more important.

 

=)

[slevin 1,374]

I think we'd both have no problem moving on and going back to being monogamous. We've been monogamous before and it would certainly work for us again I think. Personally I know I would miss some of the experiences, but my wife is far more important to me. Our relationship comes first, always.

 

As for whether it would make me feel like my wife was a different person, I don't think we're in that boat. We started out being monogamous, so going back isn't really a huge change in personality. That said, I think part of sustaining a long relationship means understanding that people change over time. My wife and I are very different people from when we first met. We have grown together. We have given each other room to figure out who we are, how we're changing. That is a part of life

[MN Tom 251]

Depends on how much would have to be turned off.

 

We could quit having sex with other people, assuming that the situation in our lives dictated such a happening. That would be fairly straightforward.

 

It would be very difficult though to stop the playful flirting or complimenting of others, or even the light touching of others (I give massages fairly often).

 

If the situation was grave enough though, that could stop too, although it would really have to be something bad (like bad health or whatever) and not just a change of mindset on one person's part.

 

Part of this is interwoven into who we are, and stopping it would be changing who we are.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This is a great question. Often when people come here it's one partner wanting to and another not (or sometimes like you said they are already active and one wants to quit but the other doesn't) and my advice is usually somewhere along the lines of deciding what is more important to you, swinging or your spouse.

 

I think the fact that I know I have the right spouse know affects my answer to this question. Yes, I could stop in a heartbeat if he didn't want to. Could I turn off looking at other people? No. Could I turn off being attracted to other people? No. But, could I walk away and CHOOSE not to play with other people anymore. YES. And I think we are both in the same boat on this one.

 

I think (just my opinion here) that if you can't walk away from swinging and choose your spouse over it, then there is probably an issue in your relationship that needs to be fixed and you probably shouldn't be swinging anyway.

[couplers 4,648]

JustAskJulie said:

I think (just my opinion here) that if you can't walk away from swinging and choose your spouse over it, then there is probably an issue in your relationship that needs to be fixed and you probably shouldn't be swinging anyway.

 

Agreed if there is something looming larger like an affliction or work or children. But if your spouse demands that you give up swinging (or poly or whatever form of non-monogamy you two do) then there is probably an issue in your relationship that needs to be fixed.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I've remarked on this elsewhere, but the 'partner comes first in all decisions' attitude is both essential and refreshing, even if it means walking away from play without a moment's hesitation.

 

That simple concept of "partner takes priority over all" is one of the reasons that we read (and submit) posts here.

[padoc 1,703]

We are a team. We entered the lifestyle as a team and will leave as one when the time comes. This is about us. If one of us decides that he/she is no longer getting anything positive out of our lifestyle activities then there is no point in continuing.