Problems Not being Bi

[MissConfused 67]

This is a stronger question then my last and it has been bothering me for some time.

 

We are 100% straight couple and we've received quite a bit of grief because of it. Recently, we decided we wanted to experiment with couples. We've had numerous chances in the past to act on this but weren't ready to take that route.

 

Anyways, as our search started and progressed, we found it is almost a bad thing to be a straight couple. Mainly with the female halves of other couples. We receive numerous messages and IM's stating they would love to get together with us and the question that always comes up is our sexuality. We are immediately shut down when it is voiced that we're straight OR I'm insulted to the point where I want to retaliate with the meanest come backs possible. I haven't but its tough when it's being dished out for absolutely no reason.

 

I guess I don't know what to do. We look for straight couples but their few and far between. It says right in our profile in BOLD letters that we are both straight and not looking to experiment with bi sexuality right now.

 

You could say I'm high school bi, I'll kiss a girl and might fondle but I'm not into leading people on, nor do I want it to seem the chance of it going any further is there, so it's not included in our profile.

 

Another thing we get is the couples who are OK with us being straight, slowly bring into the conversation that they would like me to have an open mind and consider trying the woman of the couple out. Makes me nervous to play with any couples with the words bi or bi-curious in them. It's not what I want nor what I am looking for right now.

 

Has anyone else ever had this problem? We've already stated what we are and what we're looking for. We've told interested parties what's in our profiles and then get grief for it. It's very confusing and frustrating.

When voiced on our local swinger board we were told I needed to convert to get anywhere in the swinging world. We'd be one lonely couple if I didn't at least go bi curious.

 

:confused:

 

We want to have fun with other couples, but not if it means I have to change what I like or try to like something I'm not interested in. In time, my views may change but right now they are what they are.

 

Does anyone else out there have these issues?

[Alura 2,774]

Hi, Miss Confused!

 

I wonder if we lost something when "mate-swapping" became "swinging" or "The Lifestyle"? I don't remember any bi-sexual issues "in the old days."

 

I don't remember any of the couples we played with ever broaching the subject. Once, a single female friend got in our spa with us. She asked Mrs. Alura if she'd ever kissed a girl. Laura said she hadn't, but the idea didn't disgust her. I watched a very sexy making-out session with dancing tongues and hands playing under the water. Our friend then kissed me for awhile and eventually went home, but she left me with a very turned on "straight" wife on my hands.

 

I'd suggest putting something like, "Husband is straight; wife has not had any woman-to-woman experience but is not disgusted by the idea of kissing a girl." Of course, you'd need to put that into your own words and describe exactly how you feel about the issue.

 

Communication is important in life; it's key in swinging. Good luck, and thanks for an interesting thread!

 

Alura

[wifes_toy 53]

Hello. I am sorry you are getting this sort of response. We go with NO means NO.

 

I do have a couple of thoughts. I wonder if your feelings are related to how men view being BI. I am 100% strait BUT I am OK if another guy happens to touch me. In the right situation I may even accept a BJ from a guy. However I am not going there on my own.

 

Another thought is weather the problem is HOW your communicating your views and desires. I do not know how the exchanges went but I will give some examples:

 

"I am strait so don't expect me to play with the wife." Comes across pretty strongly negative.

 

"I am strait." Comes across neutral.

 

"I am strait but if a woman touches me during play that's OK and part of the fun." comes across positive yet still says strait. From your comment about kissing a girl I THINK this describes your real comfort level.

 

If you really are getting shot down for not being BI instead of miscommunicating your comfort level I think yo hit a pocket of mean swingers.

 

Swingers are just like other people, it takes all kinds. Some are friendly, some are asshats. We all also have our comfort levels.

 

BTW my wife is listed as BI curious because she is interested in seeing if she wants to play that way. To date all our encounters have been 100% strait.

[MissConfused 67]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Alura- By no means am I disgusted by kissing a woman, but I won't kiss just any woman either. I have to feel somewhat attracted or comfortable with her. I guess you could say "mild bi-curious" or "soft bi-curious". I'm just not interested in going down on a woman or a woman going down on me. Sure under the right circumstances it may happen but it's not what I'm actually looking for.

 

Wifes toy- I've never been rude to anyone who asks. It usually goes like this:

 

Them- so what kind of things are you looking at trying or what are you into?

Us- We're looking for full swap, see where it goes.

Them- Are both of you bi? Straight?

Us- We're both straight.

Them- Well that's to bad, you guys could have been what we were looking for if she was Bi.

 

That's one of the nicer versions. We have had people come right out and say we'll have no luck what so ever with the LS. OR we had one woman say I had insecurities and maybe some body issues if I didn't want a woman to have sex with me. . Ridiculous- yes. Farfetched- I wish.

 

I'm confused about " I wonder if your feelings are related to how men view being BI". What do you mean by that?

 

I've never felt the need to say I'm straight so don't expect me to play with your wife. Actually, if its the man of the couple inquiring on the wifes behalf they are usually quite polite about it. Just ok, thats not what we want. Although, the husbands are also the ones who tend to try and "convince" me to play with their wives.

 

Maybe we are attracting mean swingers....... or maybe I'm every bi womans fantasy heh heh . Kidding.

I don't know. All I know is seems we get quite the negative response for not being bi.

 

It is exhausting saying the same thing over and over again regardless when it is written in what we're looking for on our profile.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Just because you are not what someone else wants you to be does not mean you are wrong.

 

Laura is not Bi, never has been and has no interest in being bi. We have been Swingers longer then most here have been alive.

 

It is not a problem unless you let it be a problem.

 

If someone does not want you because she is not bi, so what, move on. There are 1000's more out there that are just as happy without you being bi.

 

Don't let the desires of others get in your way of having fun. This is about you having fun and not what they demand or hope for.

 

There are many couples in this lifestyle that are not bi, not a big deal.

 

We did a poll, many times over the years and found more wives are "bi" to fit in then are truly are bi for their own sexual pleasure. Don't do anything you don't want to do and don't fret over the things you don't want to do.

 

Life is to short to worry about what others want of you.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

From our stand point it looks like this, Leah is bi, but prefers men. Girl play is fun and can trip her trigger, but when all is said and done she needs a real dick made of flesh not rubber.

If we come across a couple that is straight we play that way. We will never push another woman to play bi, there is just to much fun to be had playing straight.

 

K

[slevin 1,374]

Vegas Lee is bang on as always.

 

No matter what your limits are, there are cuples who are going to try and push your boundaries. Or couples who think you need to "open up". We ran into a couple who tried to talk us into swinging separately, a girl who wanted to meet my wife 1:1 and a bunch of girls who were cheating and wanted us to overlook that. None of that is ok with us, but we definitely don't let their opinions change our comfort levels and interests. I don't mind being politely asked once, but anything after that is not cool. We move on. Not as easy to do in a small town, but it's better to have fewer encounters of the kind you enjoy than lots of encounters that you don't enjoy.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Sounds like you are having a terrible run of bad luck. Or could it be something in your profile or chats that is leaving the door open? Not being able to view your profile it is difficult to say. But your post has given some clues that you might be doing this.

 

For example:

From your first post

"We are 100% straight couple"

"Makes me nervous to play with any couples with the words bi or bi-curious in them. It's not what I want nor what I am looking for right now."

 

Later in your first post

"You could say I'm highschool bi, I'll kiss a girl and might fondle but I'm not into leading people on, nor do I want it to seem the chance of it going any further is there, so it's not included in our profile."

 

From your second post.

"I guess you could say "mild bi-curious" or "soft bi-curious"."

 

Reading this I can see how someone on the other side of a chat or conversation can get confused as well. Your profile says STRAIGHT, but it is not unheard of for women (men for that matter) to say straight on their profile do deflect the question, but play bi if the mood strikes them. I have seen it more than once. So if in conversation (or possible how you have written your profile) you are giving off a vibe that says your are at least mildly curious, then you will continue to get those questions.

 

That said there is absolutely no excuse for someone being rude to you for NOT being bi or even being a little undecided/unclear.

 

My wife list straight and so far she is, but she has stated to me that she is curious but is very very particular and won't know if she will try until the right woman comes along and the mood strikes her, if ever.

 

Another reason she list straight is that we have noticed that if there is chemistry between me and the other woman, and my wife and the other man, there is the assumption that there is chemistry between the two women. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just because I find the woman attractive does not mean my wife will. If it turns out my wife is attracted and wants to give it a whirl then she will let the other woman know.

 

But we don't have the problems you are describing. Sure we have people ask, and some decide to move on when they hear the word straight, and that is fine, it is what they are looking for and they have nothing to lose by asking. I can respect them for asking and being honest enough to move on because that is not always some people play it. While it has not happened to us we have friends that have told us of couples feigning interest in the husband so the women could play. Then it becomes more of a threesome with the husband looking on more than playing. If that is their game then neither of us are interested, it is dishonest.

 

We have had partners where the wife is bi curious, at least, but they have always respected my wife's position.

 

My advice is:

1. Figure out positively what you want, you still sound a little undecided to me.

2. If you are sure you want to play straight. Say it, stick to it and don't use terminology that will lead someone to think you MIGHT be interested in FF play. If they think you might they will take the chance and push forward.

3. If you are not sure, I would still not use language that left the door open. Again, people will go for that opening if they see it.

4. If you are sure you want to try it, but it will take nearly a perfect storm to get you interested, then say that. But be clear that this is about both you and your husband having a good time, so there is where the relationship needs to start and will likely stop right there as well. If lighting strikes and you find the woman attractive you will let her know, otherwise there is not need to broach the subject.

5. Remain polite, but firm in your responses.

6. Forget about the ones that blow you off because you are not bi, it is not worth getting yourself worked up over and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[MissConfused 67]

Sounds like you are having a terrible run of bad luck. Or could it be something in your profile or chats that is leaving the door open? Not being able to view your profile it is difficult to say. But your post has given some clues that you might be doing this.

 

For example:

From your first post

"We are 100% straight couple"

"Makes me nervous to play with any couples with the words bi or bi-curious in them. It's not what I want nor what I am looking for right now."

 

Later in your first post

"You could say I'm highschool bi, I'll kiss a girl and might fondle but I'm not into leading people on, nor do I want it to seem the chance of it going any further is there, so it's not included in our profile."

 

From your second post.

"I guess you could say "mild bi-curious" or "soft bi-curious"."

 

Reading this I can see how someone on the other side of a chat or conversation can get confused as well. Your profile says STRAIGHT, but it is not unheard of for women (men for that matter) to say straight on their profile do deflect the question, but play bi if the mood strikes them. I have seen it more than once. So if in conversation (or possible how you have written your profile) you are giving off a vibe that says your are at least mildly curious, then you will continue to get those questions.

 

That said there is absolutely no excuse for someone being rude to you for NOT being bi or even being a little undecided/unclear.

 

My wife list straight and so far she is, but she has stated to me that she is curious but is very very particular and won't know if she will try until the right woman comes along and the mood strikes her, if ever.

 

Another reason she list straight is that we have noticed that if there is chemistry between me and the other woman, and my wife and the other man, there is the assumption that there is chemistry between the two women. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just because I find the woman attractive does not mean my wife will. If it turns out my wife is attracted and wants to give it a whirl then she will let the other woman know.

 

But we don't have the problems you are describing. Sure we have people ask, and some decide to move on when they hear the word straight, and that is fine, it is what they are looking for and they have nothing to lose by asking. I can respect them for asking and being honest enough to move on because that is not always some people play it. While it has not happened to us we have friends that have told us of couples feigning interest in the husband so the women could play. Then it becomes more of a threesome with the husband looking on more than playing. If that is their game then neither of us are interested, it is dishonest.

 

We have had partners where the wife is bi curious, at least, but they have always respected my wife's position.

 

My advice is:

1. Figure out positively what you want, you still sound a little undecided to me.

2. If you are sure you want to play straight. Say it, stick to it and don't use terminology that will lead someone to think you MIGHT be interested in FF play. If they think you might they will take the chance and push forward.

3. If you are not sure, I would still not use language that left the door open. Again, people will go for that opening if they see it.

4. If you are sure you want to try it, but it will take nearly a perfect storm to get you interested, then say that. But be clear that this is about both you and your husband having a good time, so there is where the relationship needs to start and will likely stop right there as well. If lighting strikes and you find the woman attractive you will let her know, otherwise there is not need to broach the subject.

5. Remain polite, but firm in your responses.

6. Forget about the ones that blow you off because you are not bi, it is not worth getting yourself worked up over and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

I can understand confusion from what I've posted on these threads, but I do not put any girl girl activity in our profile. I do not want girl girl play so I do not advertise this. And in chat my previous encounters with women do not come up.

I'm not anti-bi, but I won't do it to follow some sort of social standard/norm that says its ok. If I do decide to try a woman it will be for me and nobody else. When I did have my girl girl play it was for an audience and did absolutly nothing for me. I believe putting something like that in our profile would lead people to believe I am a pussy tease if you will. A wannabe bi.

Maybe I should have specified better. But no, none of the people who have inquired know that I have done anything remotely sexual with a woman for the reason you stated "If they think you might they will take the chance and push forward."

I'm not experienced enough with swinging to know if I want to take that leap. Thus far we have only been with males, and are thinking about branching into couples and maybe eventually females. I said I worry about bicurious and bi couples with women because there seems to be a huge amount of women in these couples who want or think they can and will "convert" me. And yes the word convert has been used.

If I missed anything I'll post again.

I'm beginning to think though, maybe where we are isn't the best place. We HAVE been looking into the couples in our area ourselves to see if we can find the right ones to have our first experience with. But thousands? Unlikely, definitley not here anyways.

And I do not plan on changing the way we want to play. The only person I'd ever do that for is myself or my husband.

 

 

But thank you to everyone who has put in their input. I appreciate every post each of you have made

[exploringRM 305]

My wife will do some g/g interaction, if in the right mood, more on the flirty side. She tells anyone she's an above the waste kinda girl. We state in our profile: "She is bi-playful, enjoys flirting, kissing, caressing another woman but is not into full F-F play." I know Julie mentioned the bi-furious may ignore this information and try to force you but we've not experienced this reaction.

 

I do the online searching and avoid any profile where they state they are looking for a couple with a bi-female, or that the female half is very bi. If a couple contacts us and I see that the female is bi I state right off what my wife's boundardies are. Never received any negative things based on my wife's bi-lessness.

 

We have played with couples with both straight and bi women. We've never experienced any pressure (sure there's always some playful sighs and rolling of the eyes when partners get frustrated they can't go all the way but these are friends and it's taken in the playful nature its given).

 

Are we missing some opportunities, yeah, probably. But we are never in a rush and we have more than enough interested couples where it's not a problem.

[sweet_tna 680]

I'm not anti-bi, but I won't do it to follow some sort of social standard/norm that says its ok. If I do decide to try a woman it will be for me and nobody else.

 

Good for you! After reading this thread, I can only conclude that you're run into a bad lot of swingers in your area. But there are good apples out there. Oddly enough, we don't have that issue even though I'm listed as bicurious. I'd say 95% of our play has been straight, which is fine by me.

 

I hope ya'll are able to find folks who are more considerate of your preferences.

 

=)

[lakelife69 15]

we contacted a couple on sls that the female was straight. my wife is also straight. we met them for a drink.they knew we were lifestyle virgins and told us alot about their experiences and such. they also told us it was difficult finding straight couples to play with, too. well, we ended up hitting it off and had a second date at their house in separate rooms. this turned out to be our first full swap. (or any swap for that matter.)

 

anyway, i would think it would be even harder for two couples to click with the opposite sex and then for the ladies to click also. does that make sense?

[ALilOEverything 901]

It doesn't hurt to read profiles where the wife is bi or bicurious. We've had awesome time with couples with straight women. We put in our profile it's not a requirement and I'm always very respectful and never feel disappointed. Many women list themselves as bicurious because they are mostly straight but if the situation is right they may do more. We avoid couples who are looking for the women to put on a show, most often those seem to be the pushy ones about it.

[MissConfused 67]

Well we haven't had any luck yet, and we're not tryng our hardest to find it either. We know people who are searching day in and day out. We might just wait for the right ones to find us. I'm sure there's couples looking for the same things as us, but it has been a task to find any ourselves.

And yeah, I'm sticking to my guns on this one. I'm not going to bend for people to have the couple experience we want to. I think that would damage the first time to the point where I wouldn't want to play with couples anymore. I think if I was more experienced with swapping it would be a different story. It's a completely different world from singles play.

Even if we did find a mass amount of straight couples, we'd still be selective. Just so everyone doesn;t think we're going to jump the first straight couple we find remotely appealing. :P

 

Again, thanks for the responses. I think up here women tend to go both ways more than other more populated places. And it IS usually couples looking for the bi or bicurious couples or females.

[Tia Vampire 167]

I'm also a straight female. When we started in the life-style 5 years ago, it was hard to find straight couples. I've never been told that I would not be successful by not being bi. The only thing I could suggest is, look for couples that are interested in the same things you are. We have been very successful in the couples we have played with. Only one of our encounters was a bi curious moment, all the rest have been with straight couples. Good luck in your search.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Just because you are not what someone else wants you to be does not mean you are wrong.

 

Laura is not Bi, never has been and has no interest in being bi. We have been Swingers longer then most here have been alive.

 

It is not a problem unless you let it be a problem.

 

If someone does not want you because she is not bi, so what, move on. There are 1000's more out there that are just as happy without you being bi.

 

Don't let the desires of others get in your way of having fun. This is about you having fun and not what they demand or hope for.

 

There are many couples in this lifestyle that are not bi, not a big deal.

 

We did a poll, many times over the years and found more wives are "bi" to fit in then are truly are bi for their own sexual pleasure. Don't do anything you don't want to do and don't fret over the things you don't want to do.

 

Life is to short to worry about what others want of you.

 

What he said!

 

Yes, it will be harder for you to find playmates that you click with. But, if you can accept that then there shouldn't be a problem. There are plenty of couples with bi females who wouldn't even have an issue with a couple where she was straight (we are one of them).

 

I know several couples in the lifestyle that have straight females and while I often have to remind myself that she's straight and may not be comfortable with me flirting with her, I can honor her wishes and still play with them as a couple. As bi as I am I still prefer guys and have no problem at all with a straight swap.

 

Even us bi girls have to deal with the couples who want it to all be about the girls playing together. We've had too many couples we've had to turn down because it was obvious they were only interested in the girls playing or in me playing with them.

[Guest screaminggood]

I'm bi-furious but that doesn't mean that I won't play straight. I wonder if it's a problem with using online profiles? Perhaps you'd have more success at a club or party? The key would be to phrase it to me, "I'm interested in your husband and my husband is interested in you," not, "we're interested in playing."

[MissConfused 67]

I'm bi-furious but that doesn't mean that I won't play straight. I wonder if it's a problem with using online profiles? Perhaps you'd have more success at a club or party? The key would be to phrase it to me, "I'm interested in your husband and my husband is interested in you," not, "we're interested in playing."

 

Yes, we'd do the club and party atmospheres if they existed in our area. Canada isn't as open to the lifestyle as the US. I know there are a few clubs in Alberta, but that's also a very very long drive for us. We do have annual meets and greets, which are almost exactly like a regular dance with some booze. Nothing happens at these functions except getting to meet people.

 

I don't know what the difference is from Canada and the US but it is difficult here. Straight couples are few and far between, hard for us to find anyways. We pay for our membership and still haven't had much luck.

 

I wasn't complaining, I was just asking if anyone had had any hostility about not being bi. That was the original question of the post.

[whatwewant 38]

We've have had similar problems. She is slightly bi-curious but we don't list it on our profile for the same reason, not to lead anyone on. We almost get no responses and mostly receive either turn downs, or people that disappear, or we get the "oh she isn't bi? I thought it said that on your profile...", after chatting for a week or two, exchanging pics and setting up a meeting...whatever. I suppose it doesn't help that we're in a pretty conservative/rural area. Around here, it is much more difficult to find couples that don't have the bi-female requirement.

[MissConfused 67]

We've have had similar problems. She is slightly bi-curious but we don't list it on our profile for the same reason, not to lead anyone on. We almost get no responses and mostly receive either turn downs, or people that disappear, or we get the "oh she isn't bi? I thought it said that on your profile...", after chatting for a week or two, exchanging pics and setting up a meeting...whatever. I suppose it doesn't help that we're in a pretty conservative/rural area. Around here, it is much more difficult to find couples that don't have the bi-female requirement.

 

Well then, you can mostly relate to what we're going through. Minus the hostility part.

It's actually been improving though. I have less to ask about, which is a relief for me lol. Not so much hostility anymore, just polite "okays, thats not what we're looking for", which is refreshing for a change.

[twistedpretzels 100]

despite living with a woman for 13 years i put my profile as straight and then in the body i say i am bi selective. i am interested in MEN at this point in my life-- i have little or NO desire for being with a woman. i guess there could be that one woman that would make me want to get friendly.....