How do I get my husband into it?

[prettygirl 15]

Ok, a friend of mine is in this lifestyle and I am so intrigued by it. I would like to bring this up to my husband but based on his personality I'm scared he will be upset about it. We were invited to a party once where swingers attended and I was flirted with a lot by men and he did NOT like it at all.

 

Also, a conversation came up on the radio about mens' fantasies and threesomes. So I asked him if that is something he fantasized about. He said NO, why do you want to be with a girl? (in a disgusted tone). I was scared to say, yes, I'm curious. But because of his tone I said no, I'm asking you and he said NO that I was all he needed and I did the job great for him.

 

So now, I'm not sure if is because I was not honest, he's not being honest or what. I guess if he asked me in a more curious or excited way, I would have been honest.

 

So based on this, do you think I should bring it up again? if so, how can I do it so that it does not seem I am not dissatisfied with HIM and just want to try something exciting and new together with him? I do love him, just bored in the bedroom and curious. Is that a bad reason to want to try this lifestyle? How else can I get him interested in it without him feeling rejected?

 

Thanks

[MissConfused 67]

Sounds like there is communication issues here already. Right now, I wouldn't persue an alternate LS. I would work more with the current communication. If he gets a disgusted tone just talking about fantasies, I honestly don't think he could really picture any situation involving more than just the two of you.

 

Maybe you're not happy with your sex life the way it is ie bored, but it sounds as though he's fine with. Have you thought about bringing toys into the bedroom or anything like that? Not necessarily another person, but just extras that can make sex between the two of you more exciting.

 

Before we got into the lifestyle we did things at home to improve our sexlives. Once that became almost a routine, we then decided to join an adult website and play around with camming. All in all, it lead us to where we are today.

 

But communication is key, and I think you need to work on that first.

[Alura 2,774]

from Oklahoma, Pretty Girl! I'm sure you will get some valuable answers here. The folks who hang out here are fabulous people!

 

We get this question a lot, from both men and women. It usually boils down to a matter of communication (or lack thereof). As long as y'all can't talk about any subject without fear of reprisal, the lifestyle is not for you. I'm not really sure marriage is, either.

 

When my late wife and I first met, we made the agreement that we would never become angry because a question was asked and we would always answer as completely as possible. "I don't want to talk about it!" was never acceptable. Inaccurate answers, based on what we thought the other wanted to hear, were also excluded by that agreement. It worked well for almost thirty years.

 

A good place to start with your husband might be, "Darling, sometimes I'm not totally honest when we talk because I'm afraid of your reaction. We need to fix that." Put this in your own words and start developing honest communication. Once y'all are successful at that, swinging can be considered.

 

Alura

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I think you both need to learn to communicate with each other better first. Being able to have complete trust, and that includes being able to talk about anything, is critical.

 

You may or may not end up in the lifestyle in the future, but it starts there. Perhaps once you start talking that will help relieve some of the boredom in the bedroom as well.

 

Entering the lifestyle to "fix" anything in a marriage is a bad idea. Read these forums and you will see that same advice over an over. A strong, healthy marriage with open communication is the foundation to being successful in the lifestyle.

[SaSsyNsWeEt 41]

Its hard to bring up new fantasies to your spouse when you feel like the outcome will be judgment. I would sit down and first ask him about any fantasies he is having. Let him know first that it is a safe zone and nothing he says will be judged by you. When he is feeling more comfortable to be open with you he may be more accepting of what you have to say as well. Best of luck!

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

No easy answers here. You know him far, far better than any of us ever will.

 

No, being a bit bored in the bedroom and curious isn't a wrong reason to want to swing per se. If there's problems in the marriage, for example in the bedroom, then swinging won't fix them; it'll just make it worse.

 

The #1 best thing you can do is love him as deeply as you do. Also, don't play games with him. That said, you can skirt around the subject over time, planting seeds as it were, and maybe eventually he'll start to wonder what it would be like. Another thing you can try is having a very open, very honest, discussion between each other. But, make it crystal clear that it is a discussion ONLY and there is nothing in any of this that means you love him any less.

 

My wife was absolutely 100 percent against the idea of swinging. There was no chance it was ever going to happen. I'd dabbled in the lifestyle before meeting her, just with one couple, and she was not happy about it. She wasn't judgmental per se, just that she knew there's no way she was ever going to do that. Fast forward a few years, and we're considering getting a Sybian. A local swing club has one, as I found out, and I suggested the idea of going there to try it out. Bzzt; wrong answer. Not going to happen, no way, no how. That was ~4 years ago or so.

 

Now, through all of this I never engaged in any conscious effort to get her thinking about swinging, or to even consider it in any respect. I was absolutely content that we'd never swing. No worries, on with life with my wonderful wife. And then...

 

About 2 1/2 years ago, she brought up a scenario of very, very light swinging; just having a few men give her sensuous massage, with her naked. Fast forward to now, and she's had sex with many men in the lifestyle, some of them multiple times, and thoroughly enjoys the lifestyle. She's very glad she's a swinger, and looks forward to swing encounters.

 

You just never know.

 

Time, patience, love, honesty, communication, togetherness. Even if that doesn't pan out in the two of you swinging, it's still 100 percent worthwhile.

[Alura 2,774]

What, pray tell, does "100%" mean?

 

Alura

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

What, pray tell, does "100%" mean?

 

Alura

 

I typed "%", it typed out "%". It's an HTML ascii substitution code. I didn't do it! Honest! I even tried to fix it, to no avail. Changed it to "percent"

[Alura 2,774]

Thanks, B.

 

Alura

[VegasLee 1,486]

This lifestyle is not for most people. Many/Most married people are perfectly happy just being with their spouse. Nothing wrong with that, that is how they are.

 

Sounds like your husband has no interest at all in sharing you and that is what works for him.

 

You can talk to him all you want but if he is happy with the way things are then all you will do is drive him away or upset him.

 

He does not like you being flirted with, sounds like he may be a jealous type person. Most men are. Nothing wrong with it but he is not someone that will fit into the Lifestyle at all if that is the case.

 

I will tell you just as I tell me that want to "convert" their women. You married him knowing how he is and you can either accept it or move on.

 

Not everyone wants to be a swinger. Very few people really want to be swingers if you look at all the people in this world.

 

If he gets upset about talking about this, then it is NOT something he wants.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I'm going to start this out with a little background and a short story. We are event promoters so we get alot of new couples, and men and women who want to get into swinging, and or want to get their spouses into it.

 

Last week I got an IM from a woman who was very intrigued by the thought of swinging with her husband. Like you she has a friend who is in the lifestyle and has heard many stories about the fun. She and her husband have had talks about it and he is okay with the thought of bringing other women into their bed but no men! He is very adamant about this, he has no desire to see her or hear her with another male. She on the other hand not only would like to bring in women but men as well. After chatting with her for over 2 hours, and many questions about her life, it turns out that her husband is very controlling. He controls the checkbook, he makes all the decisions about everything from what she is allowed to wear to what they will have for dinner. He has already cheated on her as well. They have only been married for 2 years and she said that he was not like this at all when they were dating.

 

Even though he is willing to bring another woman into their bed, I told her what they needed was not swing partners but a good marriage counselor.

I'm sorry to say that I made this woman cry, but in the end it was a good thing, she sent me an e-mail on Sunday saying that they had had a few long talks and that they were going to seek out professional help to work on their marriage. She was very thankful to me for pointing her in that direction and not just telling her to buzz off.

 

Now like others have stated, you need to be able to talk and more importantly you need to both be able to "hear" what each other are saying!

While swinging is fun and exciting it is not for everyone, only you and your spouse can figure out if it's right for you.

 

If I were you I would work on the talking and hearing first, then in the future when you are able to say anything to each other, and I do mean ANYTHING with out being judged, it will be time to have a long discussion about fantasies, swinging, and what you want in the bedroom.

 

K

[Tina and Bob 236]

I would also like to know more about this couple. How long have they been married? What is the age difference? Has she been with many other men before and has he been with many other women? He sounds to be a bit overbearing and not much of a communicator. If you can work out your differences you might want to start by just asking him how he feels about going to nude beaches or clothing optional resorts or spas. Good luck, you've already received alot of good advice here.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

A few observations.

The happiest folks we have met

1. have been together for decades with an unambiguously secure relationship;

2. see their partner as the most important person in their world;

3. communicate openly, verbally and nonverbally;

4. share pleasure on multiple levels.

 

Swinging is a part of their joy, never the basis for it.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

prettygirl!

 

As others suggested, you've got to work on your communication before you attempt to add swinging. Being bored in the bedroom is a perfectly good reason to try swinging, but it sounds like you may need to try some other things first. Do you use toys together?

 

Perhaps take him to a toy store and do some looking (and some buying) have him involved in the process of helping you pick out a new toy AND use it. Start small and work on communication and being honest.

[prettygirl 15]

Wow, so much great advice! Thank you so much for the responses. Everything that was mentioned makes a lot of sense. I'm going to try to work on the communication and add spice in other ways. Until then, I guess my fantasy of being with another woman and man is just that, a fantasy.

 

Thanks again.