Psychologically, why are we so turned on by swinging?

[rogerwithlove 15]

Hi there everyone,

 

We've just joined swingersboard which is both interesting and informative.

 

Here is a little bit about us by way of an introduction together with a question for your kind consideration and comments.

 

We look forward to hearing from you.xxx

 

My wife and I are very happily married (15 yrs, mid/late 40's, male-straight, female bi-curious) and are now very secure with each other having both been a little jealous/insecure - we were both extemely jealous and over the top on occasions. We are now both very secure. Quite a significant change of mindset for us both.

 

We have a lot of really great sex with each other. We have never tried a threesome -just talked about it. We have both been faithful during all our years together. We both want to have threesomes - she with another woman and me, and me with another man and her, but we would both go with any threesome mix with the right person. We would also probably do a swing swap in the same room so we could watch each other having sex with another person which we both find a turn on, but this is the least exciting scenario to us but still of interest. One question WHY?

 

Interestingly enough the larger part of our interest is not about our individual personal desire to have sex with a different partner,(which I would have thought would have been the case, although this obviously has great appeal), but more about an erotica and powerful sexual arousal brought about by, in my case watching my wife having sex with another man and me fully taking part sexing her as part of the threesome. I want her to really get into the excitement and enjoy the incredible intensity and satisfaction of being looked after by two competent men. I want the sex acts to be as exciting as possible with particular attention to oral sex performed on her and the vista of her being penetrated in turn by both her sex partners. My wife has the same reciprocal interest in a threesome with me and another girl, obviously she wants to watch me penetrate another woman. We have both discussed this in great depth and now agree that our new thinking is that we can find other people sexually attractive but we seem to want each other's approval otherwise our interest in the 3rd party disappears.

 

Before we embark on such a relatively radical activity we should like to understand the psychology of these desires so we can be sure our marriage is improved and not harmed by our own hand!

 

Look forward to hearing from you.xxx

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

A professional psychologist might be able to provide more clinical understanding of why non-traditional sexual relations are so erotic. There's many ways of considering it in layman's terms.

 

I've heard threesomes described as getting to watch a porn movie where your spouse is one of the stars. I personally don't think of it much this way, as I'm not terrifically into porn. But, in one respect this applies; I get to watch 'porn' with absolutely no doubts that my wife is faking her pleasure (she just doesn't do that).

 

Another aspect is the strong taboo we are 'programmed' with in regards to non-traditional sex. This sort of eroticism can readily apply to monogamous sex as well, but having such sex in, for example, unusual places. The simple knowledge your are dong something taboo, something kinky, something unusual can be a powerful erotic engine.

 

Another aspect, and this is the one that most applies to us and I expect probably applies to the two of you; wanting and seeing my wife so happily pleasured and fulfilled in her sexual desires. My wife really, really enjoys having sex with other men, and knowing she is deriving such pleasure from it is a powerful motivator for me.

 

Similar to you, our desires in this are intertwined. There isn't a desire to have sex with other people per se, but a desire to experience our sexual lives completely. We enjoy it together. We can't imagine having an 'open' marriage where we each get to have sex with whomever we like. That works for some people (and more power to them) but not for us. For us, it's a together thing; the mutual expression of joy and happiness in sharing sexual pleasures with others.My wife would never want to swing or find it very erotic really if I wasn't in full approval, and vice versa. We're a team.

 

I remember another poster her describing to his wife their joint pleasure. As I recall, he said "I'm making love to you by way of another man". It is very, very pleasurable watching her have sex with another man. It's not just the erotic picture of it, but knowing how happy she is, how happy we both are in the mutual experience. We do enjoy playing with couples, but we also enjoy playing with singles for precisely this reason; we get to really feast on the pleasure of our spouses in ways that a foursome sometimes does not.

 

I have on several occasions just held my wife in my arms while she was having sex with another man. It felt wonderful, just to be close and intimate with her while she was engaged in such wonderful pleasure. It's definitely a mutual experience within each other. If it were not, I don't think we'd be swinging.

 

VegasLee, a regular poster here and operator of a swingers club in Vegas, is fond of saying that swinging is not for everybody, or even many. He's right. Adding on to that, I think there's precursors that need to be in place to ensure things go well for you. A big, big part of that is very open, honest, and forthright communication between the two of you is paramount. Also, an understanding that you're together and this isn't about having your cake and eating it too; it's about enjoying each other on a very different level. Another thing is to remember there is no finish line here, no deadline, no goal of having sex with a million people by July 1. Take things at the pace you both feel comfortable with. There's a saying around here that applies; proceed at the pace of the slower-to-warm-to-it spouse.

 

Now, with that you may find that swinging isn't for you. That's ok, and a perfectly valid response. It may be that you both thoroughly enjoy swinging and it becomes a part of your life. That's perfectly fine too.

 

In your post, I'm not seeing any red flags that set me off thinking the two of you aren't at a place in your relationship where you shouldn't swing. Only the two of you know your relationship well enough to know when you'll be ready. For my wife and I, it was after months of discussion and realizing we'd discussed and answered every question we could without actually swinging, and found no objections in either of us to moving forward. You may find yourself in a similar situation, or you may not. The journey continues!

[rogerwithlove 15]

Hi there bbarnsworth,

 

Many thanks indeed for your eloquent and comprehensive posting.

 

We think in very similar terms to you and your good lady wife. Its reassuring to hear in depth from those who have already travelled the road.

 

Thanks again!

[Alura 2,774]

Laura and I called it "Delicious Naughtiness." There's something thrilling about going against society's norms, and the naughtier, the better. We hooked up long ago (quite by chance) with a couple, the husband of which was a cousin of Laura's supervisor, a lady she was not fond of. They didn't figure that out until they were having an apres-sex conversation.

 

"Wow, Mr. Playmate, what would 'Melinda' think if she knew I had just fucked you silly?"

 

"I shudder to think! Let's not tell her, okay?"

 

"Okay. Wanna fuck me some more?" she said with an

 

Alura

[celtic239 297]

I believe that adventurous people are naturally attracted to things or activities that are exciting, have an "edge" and experiencing each event (whatever that may be) brings with it a uniqueness. I would venture a guess that swingers are "sexual" adventurous living life on life's terms.

[slevin 1,374]

If the psychology of swinging is of interest to you then you should definitely read the book Sex at Dawn. Regardless of whether you agree with their conclusions, it's a very interesting read on that topic.

[WhatisTruth 41]

Interestingly enough just last night I was perusing through the academic databases for published journal articles on swinging. While I haven't begun to read the articles I have found, it is interesting to note that there was a large gap in the research. There was a decent amount of published material in the mid-80's, but then more or less disappeared until the mid 2000's...

[ViSexual 1,008]

You know, I think that swinging allows a couple to become best friends. We've all had those 'best friends' at some point in our lives but it's still very rare.

 

A best friend is a friend you can tell absolutely anything to. You can tell them secrets that you'd never admit to anyone else.

 

Now think back before you and your spouse indulged in swinging? You did keep secrets, right? You didn't admit to lusting after that mutual acquaintance, right?

 

The couple who swings together never has to worry about what they say! And, that's being best friends!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

You know, I think that swinging allows a couple to become best friends. We've all had those 'best friends' at some point in our lives but it's still very rare.

 

A best friend is a friend you can tell absolutely anything to. You can tell them secrets that you'd never admit to anyone else.

 

Well said!!

 

Now think back before you and your spouse indulged in swinging? You did keep secrets, right?

 

We never kept secrets from one another, but that may be because we were fuck buddies first.

 

You didn't admit to lusting after that mutual acquaintance, right?.

Acually I did have that happen, I was having dreams just about every night about one of our vanilla friends. I told Leah about the dreams after the 2nd or 3rd one. Her advice was to tell this other woman about the dreams, and it worked, I told her and the dreams stopped almost right away thank god, I was tired of starching the sheets.

 

The couple who swings together never has to worry about what they say! And, that's being best friends!

 

This is so true, but it's not so much about swinging as it is about love, understanding and open honest communication.

 

K

[SheerBliss 92]

I have lots of thoughts on this subject, but for now would like to recommend a book that a psychologist friend wrote. It's called "Insatiable Wives and the Men Who Love Them". It's mostly about the "hotwife" lifestyle, but a lot of the info also pertains to swinging. This is a serious book based on research that he did showing historical and genetic precedence for non-monogamy.

 

Here's a link:Amazon.com: Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them (9781442200302): David J. Ley: Books

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Hi there everyone,

 

We've just joined swingersboard which is both interesting and informative.

 

Here is a little bit about us by way of an introduction together with a question for your kind consideration and comments.

 

We look forward to hearing from you.xxx

Welcome to the Swingers Board, Roger~ with love. You have asked worthy and stimulating questions. There may be allot of swingers face these questions some day. Not only understanding themselves, but those around them too.

 

My wife and I are very happily married (15 yrs, mid/late 40's, male-straight, female bi-curious) and are now very secure with each other having both been a little jealous/insecure - we were both extemely jealous and over the top on occasions. We are now both very secure. Quite a significant change of mindset for us both.

You mentioned of being extremely jealous. I'm certainly glad to hear you have changed that mindset. Jealousy, does not belong in the lifestyle of swinging.

 

We have a lot of really great sex with each other. We have never tried a threesome -just talked about it. We have both been faithful during all our years together. We both want to have threesomes - she with another woman and me, and me with another man and her, but we would both go with any threesome mix with the right person. We would also probably do a swing swap in the same room so we could watch each other having sex with another person which we both find a turn on, but this is the least exciting scenario to us but still of interest. One question WHY?

Why is because your normal, or at least just like us. Or at least the question of HOW, is in your near future

 

Interestingly enough the larger part of our interest is not about our individual personal desire to have sex with a different partner,(which I would have thought would have been the case, although this obviously has great appeal), but more about an erotica and powerful sexual arousal brought about by, in my case watching my wife having sex with another man and me fully taking part sexing her as part of the threesome. I want her to really get into the excitement and enjoy the incredible intensity and satisfaction of being looked after by two competent men. I want the sex acts to be as exciting as possible with particular attention to oral sex performed on her and the vista of her being penetrated in turn by both her sex partners. My wife has the same reciprocal interest in a threesome with me and another girl, obviously she wants to watch me penetrate another woman. We have both discussed this in great depth and now agree that our new thinking is that we can find other people sexually attractive but we seem to want each other's approval otherwise our interest in the 3rd party disappears.

 

I think what you have just said is great ! I think anyone coming in the lifestyle should read this comment. Many don't "get it" I think, you do....

 

 

Before we embark on such a relatively radical activity we should like to understand the psychology of these desires so we can be sure our marriage is improved and not harmed by our own hand!

When it comes down to it, your relationship itself will be what decides your own fate. We found any "harm", was quinched by pleasure and understanding. I think you should agree now that if any harm comes, you'll understand that, together. Or, be sure that walking into the unknown is what you really want to do.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

What was that commercial....

 

"Why Ask Why?"

 

I don't try to understand the psychology behind it, it can be explained a million different ways. What's important is that you both share these fantasies and both want to see them happen. We can spend our whole lives asking "why" and let our whole lives pass us by without ever acting on things and enjoying the great pleasures of life.

[IVcents 115]

Many good replies. One that I have thought about is that after time sex between a couple looses a bit of excitement. Remebering the first time sex with someone, the excitement of the foreplay knowing it was leading to sexual intercourse, the feelings felt getting naked for the first time in front of them or being undressed and seeing your partner naked the very first time, the expectation felt as you got into position and the desire to feel penetration and the ecstasy of feeling entery begin and the tremendous pleasure felt at full penetration when eyes rolled and the oohhs and aaahhs were uncontrollable utterances from the incredible stimulation of the in and out thrusting and the lustful desire for it.

All those feelings and the excitement of the first time cannot be equaled again after the familiarity of time with the same person. I think swinging is a gift of that sexual intensity the spouse can no longer give, but can provide, giving their love and desire vicariously to their spouse to experience again. I feel that is where a couples love for each other is strengthened. By knowing the love it takes and is felt in giving each other that experience. It is the proof of love for each other that is greater than any other that can be given.