Gifts to swing partners: How much is too much

[Tina and Bob 236]

I originally posted this as a blog, but am adding it here as I am looking for more responses.

"Has anyone received or given gifts to their swing friends, and if so what were the circumstances, i.e., birthday, Christmas, etc." ?

 

The second part of the question for those that have received or given gifts is what is an appropriate max amount that one should spend before it's considered exorbitant?

 

I ask this question because Bob and I are in a bit of a disagreement. In the past I have given my male swing friends gifts, usually $25 or $50 gift cards and typically because it's their birthday, xmas or other special occasion.

 

Last Saturday, our newest single female swing friend Chrissie (I wrote a swinger story about her) spent over $400 on Bob. They went out golfing and she decided she wanted to buy him a new driver and golf bag. They played golf and they also played after golf at her hotel, I met up with them for dinner, but nothing was said about "the gift". She also picked up the dinner that was almost $300. Very nice steak restaurant and nice bottle of wine.

 

When we got home we talked about the golf and their bedroom play, and we had great sex as well, but no mention of the gift until Sunday morning. I told Bob he should not have accepted such an expensive gift. He said he attempted to tell her it was not necessary, but she would not take no for an answer, so he conceded to her wishes. He said she told him it was something she wanted to do for him, and that money was not an issue for her. I still disagreed with him and told him he should return the items and send her back a check or if he didn't want to return them that he should still send a check to her. He feels I am over reacting so I'd like to see what other members think.

[WhatisTruth 41]

I think it depends on a few factors.

 

First, it depends on the nature of the relationship Is it one of friendship with benefits that you would hang out with even if you weren't swinging? Are they people you only see when you play?

 

To me, gift giving is a social mechanism. It is one way to measure the relationship between individuals (or couples).

 

As far as how much to give? I think that depends on the person's financial capability. The greater the sacrifice the more the meaning in the gift.

 

This is particularly true when swingers can come from such varied backgrounds...

[padoc 1,703]

Bob's putter must be working well! I guess I'll have to work harder if I want one of our swing friends to give me a new Caddy Coupe. I suspect Mrs Doc would have much better luck in that area!

[VegasLee 1,486]

I give gifts to friends and family and not all of them.

 

I receive gifts from friends and family and once again, not all of them.

 

I do not give gifts to playmates and I will not accept a gift from them. I tell them I don't feel it is appropriate.

 

If in time they become a friend of mine then ok, but until then it is not going to happen.

 

I don't like blurred lines in relationships.

 

You two do what works for you though.

[Learning 160]

That is overkill for a gift, even if you are best friends. I'm wondering if your partner felt odd about the gift since he didn't mention it? That is strange and in a way, myself I would be questioning the friend of her intentions. Just serms odd to me. We exchange birthday gifts, Christmas gifts with a couple but they have turned into vanilla friends that it's acceptable. Our gifts to them are usually under $40.

[LFM2 1,482]

We have received a few gifts from playmates, but one of these playmates and I went to high school together.

 

We didn't really talk in high school, but he graduated a year before I did and he's really more than a playmate. He's a very good friend that I know I could call in a vanilla situation and he'd be there in a flash. It's weird that we're playmates and I still like him as a friend. Him and his wife is someone we would enjoy in any vanilla situation. They're generally both good eggs. He travels to foreign countries for his job and he brought us back some stuff from one of the countries. A nice trinket.

 

Another male swinger friend and his wife (We hadn't played with them, but met socially every once in a while) gave me a candle for Christmas. A very nice gesture, I thought. They've moved away and we really do miss them.

 

I've never given a gift, though.

[slevin 1,374]

We got a gift from a couple once. They gave us a paddle. It was a bit odd to us since we aren't into BDSM, but it wasn't an expensive gift. Just a nice gesture though, but a bit unusual. I don't think we would have given a gift unless we had become good friends.

 

We had another couple invite us to their wedding. That was far more uncomfortable to us. We declined.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I am definitely not the jealous type, we both are very comfortable and secure in our relationship, but when someone spends more on my husband than I ever have, xmas is an agreed max of $300, I am thinking that's not appropriate especially since we hardly know her. Bob says she's just showing her appreciation for us having helped her move on with her life after her husband died suddenly in a motorcycle accident 3 years ago, but in the back of my mind, I am feeling a little bit like she's disrespecting me a bit, but then again, maybe I am over reacting. I appreciate the comments so far.

[slevin 1,374]

I am definitely not the jealous type, we both are very comfortable and secure in our relationship, but when someone spends more on my husband than I ever have, xmas is an agreed max of $300, I am thinking that's not appropriate especially since we hardly know her. Bob says she's just showing her appreciation for us having helped her move on with her life after her husband died suddenly in a motorcycle accident 3 years ago, but in the back of my mind, I am feeling a little bit like she's disrespecting me a bit, but then again, maybe I am over reacting. I appreciate the comments so far.

 

I think the relevance of the amount depends on her situation. For us a $300 gift to a friend is extravagant. To a friend of ours a $300 gift is tiny; the amount is so small to him that he doesn't even realize someone else might find it extravagant. If she is in a very financially secure place then perhaps she just saw it as a nice gesture. If the money is a big deal to her as well, then I'd be uncomfortable.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I should add that Bob has really never given or received gifts before, while I have received as well as given them, so I think he is now gloating and enjoying my obvious annoyance.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I accept gifts from others. I think it means allot to them, to give me a gift. Given the circumstances, I don't see this as over the top.

 

In this circumstance, Bob looks kinda cheap if he didn't insist to pay for diner. May be, he sacrificed that because it might have hurt your feelings. Would that have made a difference ? If he would have payed for lunch ?

 

If you give gifts of 25-50, don't they accumulate ? Does that bother Bob ?

 

I'm trying to think past the issue at hand. Will this effect Bob's game in the future, now knowing how this gift makes you feel ?

 

Bob, has a reputation to uphold on the golf course. Don't take away from a mans game. I know if it was me, my wife would enhance the gift. She would say things like my new "lucky driver" LOL, and buy me some new clubs to go along with the one.

 

Be fair to Bob, he needs more clubs now.

 

Be fair to Mrs playmate, buy her dinner next time

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Mrs CE and I recently discussed gifts. If it is NSA, like the sex, then it is no big deal. If either of us felt it was a quid pro quo or something meant to go beyond a NSA sexual relationship then we would decline it. If we realized later it was something more then we would return it or pay for it. We certainly would not give gifts with those conditions attached.

 

As for the amount, we think that is situational. The amount is relative to that persons financial position AND what they normally do. At different times in our lives we have spent more freely than others, for example before we had kids. And we have had friends that would spend serious money on friends or just on a whim. They would do it often, and at the drop of a hat. If one of them spent more on a gift, I don't think we see it unusual.

 

Others friends we have were/are not able to spend money so freely. If all of a sudden they started giving gifts that were out of the norm then it would raise questions.

[sexcupid 809]

Okay if I read this right, your hubby's playmate dropped nearly a thousand dollars that day between the gift and a meal for the three of you?

 

The answer the general question, no we have not received or given random gifts to swing partners. Unless you count the holiday treats I sent with my guy to his office (which I would have done anyway) and specified he put part of them on a former playmate's desk who also works there. We also have a SF friend that my guy has played with a few times in the past that we exchange Christmas and her and I exchange birthday gifts, but that is only because we were friends outside the lifestyle before any of us ever got involved in it.

 

I would feel weird accepting a gift from a playmate...although I do thank you for your thought provoking topic, now I'll have to discuss it with my sweetie.

 

For this situation in particular, sure he can gloat a bit lol If the person is in a financial position that dropping 1k in an afternoon is no big deal, I'm inclined to say let them spend their money how they choose. Sometimes gifts come with strings that may not readily be apparent.

 

When you met up for dinner...who chose the place and what arrangements did you think were in place to pay the tab? Were you familiar with the place and their pricing? Since paying for a meal is similar to a gift IMO, I would also be uncomfortable letting a playmate pick up such a large tab...heck I don't think I would be okay with them picking up a tab that was a fourth of that size. Again, possible strings/expectations.

 

Now, since it does appear that you were friends with this person before she entered the lifestyle and helped her through bad times, it is understandable she may want to pay back your goodwill/support in a way that she feels she can.

 

While I do feel it is extravagant all the way around (plus she was footing her own hotel bill it sounds like)...if you are good friends, just talk to her. Perhaps it would do some good to hear directly from her. Given your history with her, I could understand her picking up the dinner tab when both of you are present if she was wanting to show appreciation to you as a couple for your past support...but sorry Bob...I think the $400+ golf gift was perhaps just a bit inappropriate.

 

Now, I'm off to think more about what if anything would be a "reasonable" amount to spend on a playmate...although right off the top of my head, the answer is zero.

[Tina and Bob 236]

It seems that the responses are split here, but I do want to make a clarification here in terms of our perceived cheapness here. When we first met Chrissie in early March, Bob had picked up the tab for drinks and appetizers, granted it was under $100, but we still picked it up. She had told us that day that when she got back from her Florida vacation that she wanted to treat us to a nice dinner, and that we should pick the place since she was not familiar with the area. We asked her what type of food she liked, and she said a good seafood or steak place so we picked a restaurant that was known for both.

 

She stayed at the hotel because she wanted to and had already paid for it since the hotel lets you park your car there for up to two weeks, at no additional cost, if you rent a room. What I didn't mention because I didn't know at the time,was that Bob picked up the green fees for Chrissie, $65, and lunch at the turn and drinks afterwards, another $75.

 

I still think that the $400+ was too much, but the dinner was something she insisted on doing and had been pre agreed to. I did speak with Chrissie over the weekend, in fact we spoke twice, and she's invited us to stay at her place next weekend and I've already told her that dinner will be on us.

[MN Tom 251]

We try to not refuse gifts if they are given, but we do make it clear that it's never expected and that we likely wont be giving any gifts.

 

My wife and her best vanilla friend exchange gifts for their birthdays, but we havent done any gift giving with anyone else outside of family, not counting special days (30th, 40th, wedddings..).

 

To each their own. Some people like to give, and some people find a lot of pleasure in it. And some have a ton of money. So why deprive them of an enjoyment as long as they understand the boundaries.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would have a hard time with a gift of that level from my best friend, let alone a swing friend. The dinner alone would have been more than enough for a great bday present from a really good friend. Then again, for me even the $25/$50 level would be too much for a swing friend (unless they were also a really really good friend).

 

We have a few really good swing friends, friends that we might play with on occasion but first and foremost they are good friends. I would feel comfortable buying them a nice bottle of scotch or something equal (that they would enjoy) for a birthday present. But, they are friends first.

 

I'm a little concerned too, that he didn't mention the gift till the next day. To me that says that he was bothered by the excess of the gift and felt a little ashamed to tell you about it. Felt, that you would say it was too much.

[JsWife 49]

JustAskJulie said:

I'm a little concerned too, that he didn't mention the gift till the next day. To me that says that he was bothered by the excess of the gift and felt a little ashamed to tell you about it. Felt, that you would say it was too much.

 

I completely agree with this. Although we are so new to this LS, so that we haven't had the opportunity to even think about receiving or giving gifts other than drinks bought for me while out this past Friday, I would agree that the fact your hubby didn't tell you immediately may be a flag to be discussed to find out the reason behind his waiting to tell you. Hopefully, you two can continue to communicate this issue and get it worked out to an agreement before this behavior happens again...his or the other woman's.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

A different take...

 

Gifting should always be about the giver, and never with the expectation of reciprocation. One gives because it makes one feel good to give. Not everyone can afford to reciprocate. Nor should the receiver ever feel bad about not being able to reciprocate.

 

Sometimes, people need real help. For example, a couple of our friends, one LS and one vanilla, have recently been diagnosed with advanced cancer. Figuring out what will help them most, and giving what we are able, is meaningful to all. No one expects reciprocation here--giving is its own reward.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

If this lady has lots of money then I wouldnt be so upset. If she is just an average every day person though, yeah I would feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is at this point though. If you give the gifts back it may hurt her feelings and make for some awkard conversations.

 

I don't know...

[couplers 4,649]

This is a response from the totally opposite end of the swinging spectrum, the poly side, so take it for what it is worth. We have all given gifts to one another among the four in our family, some large, thousands. As someone posted above, it is about the giver feeling good, not the gift itself. I mean we have given relatively large amounts to causes and individuals just because we felt it was right and we had the resources. Before Clair became hubby's permanent gf, I used to recruit sex partners for him and I, then we, would spend generously (dinner, shows, vacations including separate rooms) on these women simply because we liked them. Only a handful became sexual, but that was OK, we were only creating opportunities, not trying to buy something. Everyone had fun, no one was ever hurt, and sex or not we are all still friends. And my bf gives very generous gifts to hubby's gf Clair with whom he is not even intimate.

 

 

I think what is left unsaid is a worry that a generous gift may indicate that it is more than just recreational sex, that emotions may be growing. As someone in a poly relationship I don't see that necessarily as a bad thing, just a shift on the spectrum. As my hubby has said, someone treating me well is not disrespecting him, it makes him fell good that someone else in this cold world truly cares about me.

[Wifeypoo 42]

We are meeting a couple tonight at a restaurant and bar for some pool and drinks. IF everyone clicks we are heading back to their home. I know that if it were my home we were possibly returning to, that I would have put some serious work into cleaning and whatnot. I was thinking of bringing a gift for the couple (bottle of local wine, spring potted flower?) even if we don't go back to their house...they still put in the work. Customary? Overly nice? Creepy?

[angelkin 1,326]

Because there's an "if" involved as in if you're going back to their house I wouldn't take them a gift. Somehow that would seem presumptuous. We host quite a lot and no one ever brings anything, which is fine by us.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I'm inclined to pass on the gift, since there is an "IF" involved.

 

If all goes well, and another visit is agreed upon in the future, a bottle of wine, or their favorite beverage, would be a nice gesture at that point.

 

Hope the date goes well.

[Wifeypoo 42]

Thanks guys! Swinger etiquette...things your mama didn't teach you!!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm with the others, since it is an IF thing, then we wouldn't worry about it. If it was a planned thing and we were going to their house, we would probably take something for a gift, or else ask what they would like us to bring for food or drink for everyone to enjoy. If we were hosting, we wouldn't expect that and wouldn't be offended if someone didn't make the same offer, but it's just something we like to do to show our appreciation for the invite and the work and expense they probably put into hosting.

[km34 672]

I have never really considered taking a gift... I am very much one to take drinks or a snack or something for everyone, though, since I hate feeling like I am using up someone's resources (food, beverages, dishes) without contributing at all.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Gifts are very difficult and can make people really uncomfortable. We have a vanilla friend that loves to give gifts and now that we know his personality well we accept them with ease, understanding that there is no reciprocity desired, it's just who he is. In the swinger world, the most you'd want to bring to someone's house would be a bottle of wine or their favorite beverage (once you know what it is).

 

IF things work out so that you head to their home, you'll likely want to stop on the way and pick up a beverage for yourself. A lot of times when going from a restaurant to someone's home it can be fun to swap for the car ride, to give everyone a little chance to get to know each other better that way (whether it's sending the girls in one car together or swapping partners).

[LFM2 1,482]

Gifts are very difficult and can make people really uncomfortable.

 

Agreed. We met a couple for the first time and we never meet with expectations. I don't think they did either, to be fair. But he brought a little present and it really did make me feel uncomfortable. I say, bring nothing for now. If you by chance get together another time, a bottle of their favorite beverage or some other bauble would be more appropriate.

[Wifeypoo 42]

Great advice! I was always told by my Grandmother never to show up to anyone's house empty handed! This is a hard lesson to UN-learn. But I can definitely see how a gift could create an idea of expectations and seem a little creepy when what I was really trying to say was "Play or no play ... thank you SO much for cleaning your home in preparation and offering to host."

 

Turns out all this was unnecessary since they cancelled! She called and let us know that she was sick (sounded horrible and genuinely ill), I appreciated the call instead of text, as well as her NOT sharing whatever germs she has with us. We will try again another time when all of us can be at 100%. Hubby and I still went out to the local club and had a great time : )

[Wifeypoo 42]

I know I like closure. So I thought I would bring this back up since we finally met up with this couple this weekend! My inner Grandma would not let go, and I did bring them a bottle of wine. I didn't give it to them until they asked if we wanted to go back to their place for drinks. Then I said "Oh, I totally forgot! We picked you up a bottle of wine. Even if nothing had come of our meeting - I wanted to let you know I appreciated the effort of cleaning and offering to host!". They were very thankful and said they bring a little something along with them for first meets too for the host couple...even if nothing comes of it. I was SO relieved. The evening went really well. Our turn to host next time ; ). I'm still thankful for the advice here. This worked for these people, but if things had gone poorly from the start - or even if they had different personalities...I could see how this could have been misconstrued or inappropriate. The worst that would have come of NOT giving the wine that evening was that WE keep it....shucks.

[LFM2 1,482]

Glad to hear the meetup went well -- and that the bottle of wine was shared!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

YAY! Glad it worked out. A bottle of wine never goes to waste And, now you have new friends too! It sounds like you were all a good match.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Glad that all worked out for you.

 

The worst that would have come of NOT giving the wine that evening was that WE keep it....shucks.

 

A good point.

[angelkin 1,326]

Yeah! Glad it worked out and double glad you came back to tell us how things went!!