Same Room vs. Separate Room?

[PassionIsIn 15]

There are many moving parts to this, so I'll try not to ramble on here. Would love some input though!

 

I consider hubby and I "experienced" in the swinging world, we've been involved for 5 years, with short periods of no activity. We just came back into things after a short hiatus, and our first experience in really perplexed me a bit. We'd never had seperate room or same room be an issue for anyone before...if they were same room only, they would say so...if they were seperate room only they would say so, and depending on how good the chemistry was, we'd move forward accordingly.

 

Well this first couple we met since we've been back said it really didn't matter, that they had only done same room but were open to anything. Apparently that was not the case. We told them what we tell everyone, that we don't mind warming up together in 4some, but like to enjoy the other partner more intimately later in the evening.

 

Everything was fine, we got along like old friends. It was getting late, and hubby from the other couple was getting really pushy about where the night was going, it was obvious he wanted to play (that would have usually had me end the evening without play, since that's a huge turnoff for me) but because we had such a good time/good chemistry, I wanted to see how things would go.

 

We did as we usually do, started with a 4some, then my husband asked the lady if she'd like to go upstairs and both her and her husband agreed. Her hubby finished with me quickly and then went upstairs saying he wanted to watch them in hopes he'd get his mojo back again He was very apologetic with me, and kept making excuses for being so quick, even after I'd told him again and again that I didn't need an all-nighter. Regardless, he persisted.

 

Thing is, MY hubby has issues with his equipment when another man watches him, he gets distracted and feels like he can't focus on the person he's with (hence the stated preferences). When the other hubby came upstairs, mine let him watch for a while, and as usual, started to have equipment issues. He stopped and told the husband was a bit distracted with another man watching, and he said the man apologized and left the room. The guy left and came downstairs and was noticeably annoyed.

 

Then he threw a complete temper-tantrum like a 2 year old saying "I should be able to watch my own wife if I want to" and went on and on about it. I told him several times, if separate rooms made him uncomfortable, all he had to do is say the word and playtime would end. I apologized for any miscommunication there might have been, he said there was no hard-feelings but that he wanted to leave. He then MADE me go upstairs and get his wife (who was very obviously having a good time) for him so they could leave. Wife was seemingly shocked when I came upstairs to get her, acted as if she wanted to stay and was confused at why they were suddenly leaving.

 

Anyway, they left, and there we sat, completely confused and befuddled by what had just happened. Rooms had never been a problem with anyone we had ever met/played with before. I guess my question is...what do you think the problem here could have been, and is same room/separate room a deal-breaker for many? I really don't think I want to see this couple again if this is how immature the husband is going to act the minute his wife leaves the room. Was it wrong of me to assume separate rooms would be fine, like they said, even if it was there first time trying it??? I don't know whether to be apologetic or just throw in the towel, as I do feel like we were open about EVERYTHING on our side.

 

Insight?

[sexcupid 809]

If it was their first time doing a separate room scenario, then I could understand why there was conflicting signals...in theory he/they were fine with separating, but when push came to shove he was probably dealing with some unexpected feelings. Couple that with an apparently quick performance (which may have also attributed to the guy's conflict if it wasn't the norm for his performance) and then him not being able to enjoy the show so to speak when he went to watch your hub and his wife. Did you go with him? Would you have been open to changing course midstream and regrouping as a foursome?

 

It may have been for the best that you were the one to go retrieve his wife from the other room, he may not have trusted himself to not make a huge scene (and may have already been feeling like an ass with you).

 

Everyone has their preferences, for the most part I also prefer separate room play b/c of distractibility issues. What happens when you and your hubby start with a couple together? Can he get hard and/or maintain an erection? Does he have the same issue if other women watch, and if not, why not? Have you made contact or heard from this couple since this happened?

 

No one did anything "wrong" here...I think the hubby of the other couple was experiencing some major growing pains with the first separate room playtime and wasn't dealing with it well.

[Tina and Bob 236]

Sounds like what should have been a very enjoyable evening went down fast. If we all had a redo card, maybe some oral play with you in the beginning would have been in order and then the vaginal penetration. or maybe keep porno films going on the TV so he could have gotten rearoused that way. Just chalk it up to a bad experience for you, sounds like everyone got off but you. Just hang in there, nothing to feel guilty about, you obviously had him so aroused he came too quickly.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

If I remember correctly way back when we did our first separate rooms, I also had a few issues dealing with it. I have always loved watching the Mrs. have her fun. The second time to help me with my issues we used adjoining rooms where I could hear her and her playmate, this seems to have gotten me over whatever insecurities I had at the time. Good lord that was a long time ago.

 

I agree that it was most likely because it was their first time in separate rooms that caused the issues. Separate rooms are not for everyone just as same room isn't. We know several couples where they only do one or the other.

 

If your hubby can't preform at his best while in the same room as others then I guess this might be a deal breaker for you, one thing I can suggest trying if this is the case, is filming yourselves and watching it back. For some seeing that they don't look like a complete idiot while having sex calms their nerves.

 

Three or four years ago we hooked up with a couple where the hubby only wanted to watch, him sitting there just watching was quite creepy for me, I don't mind being on stage so to speak but someone just staring at me gives me the shivers, I finally got him to drop trou and jerk off while he was watching and that made things better for me.

 

K

[PassionIsIn 15]

Everyone has their preferences, for the most part I also prefer separate room play b/c of distractibility issues. What happens when you and your hubby start with a couple together? Can he get hard and/or maintain an erection? Does he have the same issue if other women watch, and if not, why not? Have you made contact or heard from this couple since this happened?

 

I know what you mean. It doesn't matter to me either way, same room is good for me because I have the opportunity to kiss and play with the lady, but separate room is just as fine with me. Hubby's problem really just depends on his comfort level with who we are with. If we have known the couple for a long time/they are regular play-pals and close friends, he doesn't have any problems. Maybe just a little new-people anxiety? It's only when they are new to us that he seems to have that issue.

 

When that happens, he might get "a little chubby" (LOL) but not fully erect, so he uses the time in a 4some to warm up the lady and get to know her body a bit and let's me have "girl time" while he plays with me. We've had several FMFs and he's never had the same problem with another woman, only with other men.

 

We've talked to the wife since this little issue, and she said it was absolutely no big deal, and that they really like us. But not the husband. I get the feeling he's embarassed, and would rather avoid us than deal with his embarassment. I really feel there's no reason for embarassment as I wasn't dissatisfied and tried to make that as clear as possible. What I did want was for him to relax a little, as he seemed so uptight, a little pushy and definitely insecure.

 

Not to sound uncompassionate, but the whining and insecurity was a huge turn off. I felt, this man is 15 years my senior and he's acting like a child... I guess the insecurity could've spawned from my age and being much younger than him...I don't suppose it would be a first, but if I didn't like older men, I simply wouldn't see them. And mid-twenties certainly doesn't mean ridiculous or immeasurable expectations. I'm an understanding person, and would be willing to see them again if I knew this wouldn't become a problem again.

 

I really don't think that's going to happen though, unless this hubby can balls-up a bit and handle his issues in a more mature fashion. That was my only problem with the whole thing. If he had said "I'm not as comfortable as I thought I'd be", I would have given him the same courtesy and maybe we could've worked something out where everyone was happy.

 

He was drinking most of the night, I suppose that did not help the problem!

 

Lesson learned, ease into new situations! lol.

Thanks so much for all the input. You guys are so fast and so helpful.

 

Glad to be here!

 

Samantha (Sam & Ryan)

[exploringRM 305]

We will do same or separate room. Our first separate room experience we sort of fell into, we went back to a couples house and we really did not discuss same or separate but they assumed separate. We were both fine with it though. I think I prefer separate as I can focus on my playmate as well as less distractions; though I have also had some great times in same room (and with more than two couples at times).

 

Just from reading profiles, I see many that state they are same-room only. And I have also seen a few same-room couples, look down on separate rooms as it removes the shared experience in their opinion. (Though we share post playtime if separate rooms!)

[WildMiCouple 325]

Samantha, we're a same room/separate room go with the flow couple too. If I had to declare a preference....it'd probably be separate rooms by a slim margin. It was obviously their first time trying it separately. But if I were you, I wouldn't beat myself up over it. This is one of those times that you couldn't foresee the turn of events as there wasn't any telltale signs. You mentioned the age difference in your second post. This could have been part of his insecurity, but certainly not something that was predictable.

 

However........I see in your profile that you are an aspiring counselor. Maybe you missed a golden opportunity to help him deal with his insecurity at that moment I'm not suggesting any ways to help him through it, as I'm about as far from insecure as possible. And I'm sure I would have felt the same way you did at the time. But if it should happen again with another couple in the future, perhaps be a little more understanding and see if you can help him work through it. Just a thought

 

Brett

[PassionIsIn 15]

I see in your profile that you are an aspiring counselor. Maybe you missed a golden opportunity to help him deal with his insecurity at that moment I'm not suggesting any ways to help him through it, as I'm about as far from insecure as possible. And I'm sure I would have felt the same way you did at the time. But if it should happen again with another couple in the future, perhaps be a little more understanding and see if you can help him work through it. Just a thought

 

Brett

 

Oh look at you, you research. Lol. That is very good advice, Brett. As hard as it is to do, I try my best to control the urge to psycho-analyze or "counsel" nonsuspecting victims but you're right it was a good opportunity for me to try and help him through whatever insecurity he may have been having. I think the sudden change in the flow of the evening or turbulence really caught me off guard. Now that you've mentioned it, I can think of better ways to have responded than (lol).

 

But then again, in the realm of sexuality...I don't know if a man with a tendency towards insecure outbursts is really worth my extra effort, if I'm being honest with myself. LOL. Confident men are easier and a helluva lot more fun than, well...cry babies. It's more a conflict of how compassionate to be without forfitting the very qualities that turn me on about a guy to begin with, haha.

 

Definitely food for thought Thank you for the input.

 

Sam

[PassionIsIn 15]

And one more thing to add here in case anyone would like to add their 2 or 3 cents on it...hubby and I rehashed where/when the distraction comes about. He explains it comes from the majority (not all...we're excluding the fun/successful foursomes we've had) of our experiences where the male has one of two distracting tendencies...the porn director who wants to throw constant commentary into every pinch and tickle or the creepy peeping tom-esque male with the fixed stare .

 

I have to say, I believe I understand where he's coming from

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We started out as same room only, but did not take us long to figure out we both get somewhat distracted. To you last point, I do enjoy watching the Mrs. have fun, but I have to "slap" myself back into focus as times so I am not being rude to the lady I am with. Frankly it is more difficult at times than others depending on the lady, but I always enjoy seeing the Mrs. have a good time. So I can certainly see another guy look over and see me watching and wondering wtf. It might creep the guy out a bit, but I am sure when it happens, most guys are like me, we just enjoy seeing our wives have a good time. Maybe that has something to do with why the poll here says guys enjoy MFM as much or more than FMF. It is easier to see the Mrs. have fun without worrying about not paying attention to another person.

 

Later, when we did do separate rooms it was at the request of the other couple. I have to admit the first time was actually more distracting, because I could hear them, but only imagine what was going on, it was both a turn on and frustrating. I almost wanted to go next door and take a quick peek, but I fought the urge.

 

The next time we did separate rooms it was much easier. I just lived in the moment. I will say that it rattled the woman I was with somewhat. When we came out of the room the Mrs and he were still going at it. And she was caught of guard a bit as the two of them had never gone that long together and had agreed not to make it an all nighter (with no clear definition of what that meant).

 

So her and I went down stairs and the Mrs and he joined us a little while later. It was rather uncomfortable at first because the other woman was visible unhappy about it. But then we found out the Mrs. and he had finished, come down stairs for a while and decided to go again since we still were. The other lady was embarrassed for getting upset but things worked out okay.

 

But it just goes to show you that minor communications problems can become major ones quickly. Your situation could be similar. Perhaps they had some differing ideas about what they agreed to and it came to a head right there.

[celtic239 297]

We are same room only for two reasons (1) safety - no matter how much you think you know someone I've seen many a man "wig out" and become violent (in non-swinging situations) so if the wife says "No" to something he is doing I'm there to make sure "No means No" and (2) I get off watching my wife being pleased sexually.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

This was not your fault at all.

 

The other couple said they were fine with it and you are not psychic. Some people for whatever reason won't say what they want or don't want and that is annoying. The only thing I can imagine is they THOUGHT they would be okay but once in the situation the husband couldnt handle it.

 

Frustrating.

 

Not much you can do. They werent used to different rooms and he didnt like it.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to agree with Sexcupid and others here. They'd never done different rooms before and probably thought they'd be ok with it, or they just wanted to play with you guys so bad that they were willing to give it a shot. However, when it came down to it, the guy evidently really enjoys seeing his wife in action and realized that too late.

 

They were probably sitting at home the next day having a fight about how she was ok with it and he wasn't and he's probably got his head between his legs about how badly he reacted to the situation.

 

I'd suggest that in the future, if you are dealing with a couple who's never played separate rooms before that you be honest about the reason you like to finish off in the different rooms, as it may help put the other guy more at ease, if he does start to feel like he's missing watching his wife.