Do you ever feel guilty about swinging?

[essexcouple 15]

DH and I have been swinging for a few years now, and I've always had moments where I feel really guilty about it.

 

Firstly, its because we have kids. Sometimes I feel really bad that I'm somehow letter them down, or being a bad parent because DH and I have an open marriage and enjoy sex with other people. As my eldest is getting older I'm finding it hard to explain to her the rights and wrongs of modern life without thinking that (god forbid she knew) I'm not setting a good example.

 

Secondly, I don't like telling lies to friends or family. When I ask my parents if they will look after the kids for a weekend because DH and I are going to see friends from school, or another romantic weekend away when in fact we are planning a very dirty weekend with another couple.

 

Lastly, I see so many bad parents around where we live, broken families, kids out on the streets late at night, women who obviously have a string of guys coming to the house. But I have moments where I think am I actually any different? I have this cozy view of me and my family as the perfect rosy dream of life, but if my friends or relatives (who are really quite traditional) knew what we do, would they think any different of me?

 

Wondered if others have moments where they question if its the right lifestyle choice for them, or if its just me having a mid life crisis :-)

[WesternSwing 504]

I don't think I've ever questioned my lifestyle, though in the past I did have concerns about what our kids would think or what their friends would say or how would they act if they knew.

 

But, years down the road now we've been open with our kids about our other relationships (we moved more toward polyamory several years ago) and are completely out to our friends and family, so this is really no longer an issue for us.

 

I don't think I've ever thought what I was doing was wrong and wouldn't be setting a good example for our kids. What example did I want to set anyway? That there was only one way to live - assumed monogamy - and I was going against that but they shouldn't? No. I told them that this is how I believe, this is what I think of relationship dynamics and this is how I've chosen to live my life. I also told them they can make their own choices. Both my older daughters (19 and 16) have stated they don't think they want relationships like I have, but both are open to the relationships I have and welcome my partners with open arms.

 

Mr. WS

[slevin 1,374]

Lastly, I see so many bad parents around where we live, broken families, kids out on the streets late at night, women who obviously have a string of guys coming to the house. But I have moments where I think am I actually any different? I have this cozy view of me and my family as the perfect rosy dream of life, but if my friends or relatives (who are really quite traditional) knew what we do, would they think any different of me?

 

It isn't always easy to do, but you need to focus on whether you feel that your family is in a good place. What other people think of your choices don't matter. My parents think that me moving to Toronto was a major mistake. My wifes parents think her marrying me was a major mistake. My old boss thinks me taking my current job was a major mistake. I could go on, there are a ton of people who think I'm going about life all wrong. I don't pay any of them any attention. When someone I deeply respect has an opinion I always listen to it. But I also evaluate what they're saying and make up my own mind. The people I respect the most never seem to care when I make up my mind, even if it differs from their opinion.

 

Do things your way, make sure you are happy with your choices and go with it. Easier said than done, but it's the path to happiness in my opinion.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I think that one of the best things about swinging is being able to be totally open and honest with your spouse and your swinger friends. It's about never having to keep feelings or desires to yourself because you fear it will cause problems.

 

And, once you've experienced this, you want it with everyone you know but can't have it. And keeping secrets from someone you care about makes you feel guilty.

 

Too bad because most swingers learn to be much more considerate and caring for friends and loved ones than the vanilla world is!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I wouldn't use the word "guilty" for what I feel when thinking about the little white lies we have used with the grandparents and other family members about where we are going and doing. For me at least, it's more like telling them that they did a great job on something when I can see the flaws in it, I do this with our kids and their school projects and with family and friends when they have built something.

 

It's a "lie" that doesn't hurt anyone and in most cases makes them feel better about themselves.

 

K

[padoc 1,703]

Sorry for your angst but I think it's misplaced. You seem to be very worried about "lying" to people about things that are none of their business. If you were in a purely vanilla marriage would you feel compelled to be honest with people about a preference for anal sex or perhaps being tied up and spanked? I'd guess not. What you do for sexual gratification is between you and your husband in the context of your marriage. Certainly, neither your family nor your children are entitled to an explanation of your sex life and you needn't feel guilty about protecting your privacy. That is your right.

[LFM2 1,482]

Swinging is one thing I've never felt guilty over.

 

We started swinging when our last two kids were in high school. They're both grown and gone now, and even though we told them we were going out to dinner with friends, I don't feel we lied to them about what was going to happen after we went to dinner. I mean, I wouldn't feel bad if I was going to tell a child I'm going to take a bath now and did just that and had sex with their father 20 minutes later. What I do in my bedroom is our business. Not my mothers, not my siblings, and definitely none of my kids' business.

 

Our kids have always been priority, but they were fed, housed, etc. They were fine. It was time for me and their dad to have some adult fun. Nothing to feel guilty about at all.

[celtic239 297]

I am the king of "Irish Catholic" guilt and not once have I felt guilt over swinging. Guilt is an internal feeling and the fact that you can't "openly" acknowledge to the world that you and your husband participating in an open marriage shouldn't be of concern unless your the type of person that needs to be validated by society.

You have great perspective on life, you take care of your family in a responsible way so there is no need for anyone to judge you as a parent. My wife and I kind of like our "secret' lifestyle and I think declaring it to the world would take some of the fun out of it.

[couplers 4,654]

I think your guilt is misplaced; SEE BELOW.

 

 

DH and I have been swinging for a few years now, and I've always had moments where I feel really guilty about it.

 

Firstly, its because we have kids. Sometimes I feel really bad that I'm somehow letter them down, HOW ARE YOU LETTING THEM DOWN? ARE THEIR NEEDS BEING TAKEN CARE OF? or being a bad parent because DH and I have an open marriage and enjoy sex with other people. WHAT DOES ENJOYING SEX, IN ANY FASHION, HAVE TO DO WITH BEING A BAD PARENT? A BAD PARENT IS UNCONCERNED ABOUT THE CHILDREN, NEGLECTS THEIR NEEDS. THAT CAN HAPPEN WITH EVEN "PURE" ACTIVITIES - TOO MUCH FOOTBALL ON THE TV, GIVE ALL YOUR TIME AND MONEY TO THE CHURCH EVEN. As my eldest is getting older I'm finding it hard to explain to her the rights and wrongs of modern life without thinking that (god forbid she knew) I'm not setting a good example. AGAIN, THE QUESTION IS HOW YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN, NOT WHAT YOU ARE DOING IN PRIVATE. BAD PARENTING IS SMOKING, DRINKING TO EXCESS, GAMBLING, ABUSING ONE ANOTHER OR THE CHILDREN, NOT PROVIDING, DOING DRUGS. HAVING SOME PLEASURE IN LIFE DOES NOT A BAD PARENT MAKE. I AM NOT SAYING THAT IT WOULD BE BETTER IF SHE KNEW, BUT IF SHE WERE TO FIND OUT TELL HER ABOUT THE HONESTY, OPENNESS AND LOVE BETWEEN YOU AND HER FATHER, AND THE FACT THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. DO YOU THINK CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITH FIGHTING, UP TIGHT PARENTS OR THOSE THAT HAVE THEIR PRIVATE MOMENTS THAT MAKE THEM HAPPY THE REST OF THE TIME?

 

Secondly, I don't like telling lies to friends or family. When I ask my parents if they will look after the kids for a weekend because DH and I are going to see friends from school, or another romantic weekend away when in fact we are planning a very dirty weekend with another couple. THAT IS NOT LYING - IT IS OMITTING DETAILS THAT ARE NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 

Lastly, I see so many bad parents around where we live, broken families, kids out on the streets late at night, women who obviously have a string of guys coming to the house. But I have moments where I think am I actually any different? YES, YOU ARE ENTIRELY DIFERENT: YOUR FAMILY IS NOT BROKEN, YOUR KIDS ARE NOT LEFT ON THE STREETS LATE AT NIGHT, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND PROVIDE WHAT THE CHILDREN NEED. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN LIFE AS WELL, INCLUDING SEX WITH OTHERS IF YOU WANT. I have this cozy view of me and my family as the perfect rosy dream of life AND SO IT IS, but if my friends or relatives (who are really quite traditional) knew what we do, would they think any different of me? WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK, ESPECIALLY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO KNOW AND WILL NEVER FIND OUT.

 

Wondered if others have moments where they question if its the right lifestyle choice for them, or if its just me having a mid life crisis THE ONLY TIME I FELT GUILTY WAS WHEN MY FUTURE HUSBAND DAVID AND I WERE FIRST GETTING SERIOUS AND I WAS STILL SCREWING MY BOYFRIEND. HE READ ME LIKE A BOOK, SAID IT WAS OK, AND FROM THEN ON I SPIT IN THE GREEN EYE OF THE MONSTER AND AT TRADITION. :-)

[ClosetSwinger 112]

I do feel guilt at times but it's partially because of the religious strict household we grew up in. My parents never talked to us about sex except for saying that WE SHOULDNT DO IT and if one of us ends up pregnant they would kill us.

 

I was a virgin until i was almost 21.

 

So I have gulit because of that...and I do feel bad about lying to my family about what we are doing. I don't like the lying at all. Then I DO realize that honestly the fact that we have sex with others is NO ONE'S business but mine and my hubby's. It sucks when we are asked how we met so and so and I immediately get nervous and make something up.

 

Like I said though it's NO ONE'S business what hubby and I do in the bedroom whether it involves extra people or not. My sister discovered we are swingers......THAT was a nightmare and believe me SHE LAID THE GUILT TRIP ON thick. We had several fights about it until I finally lost my mind and spilled my guts about stuff that happened WAY back when we were kids. So whether she believes that I am a swinger because my brain is dysfunctional for whatever reason she's shut up and left me alone about it. I swore her to secrecy but it wouldnt shock me if she told my other sister or parents. They have not confronted me on it and if they know I doubt they will. I'm sure they think I'm a huge whore though if they know.

 

le sigh.

[willyoats 324]

The only "guilt" my wife had was the little stories we had to make up for the kids. She does not know how to be anything but perfectly honest in everything she does.

 

For me, I always had this nagging feeling that swinging was somehow bad. That's the result of lousy sex education as a youngster and a repressive, sexless pair of parents (who in almost every other way were wonderful). I never actually let that twinge of guilt stop me from enjoying swinging for many years, but the tiny bit of doubt never completely went away.

[Tina and Bob 236]

This is probably the first post/thread that I feel most opposed about! Yes there is a bit of angst in the beginning, but really if it's a real issue emotionally then just stop. Guilt is not an emotion or mindset that I feel is part of the lifestyle, and if you're feeling it, stop and become mongamous.

[WhatisTruth 41]

Never felt guilty about swinging itself, but I we have felt guilty about the required deception. The wife and I are extremely honest individuals, and loathe lying, even "little white lying". We try to be vague with people to circumvent having to even be a little bit deceptive, but still, it can get to us.

[Learning 160]

I've only felt majorily guilty once. When I was pregnant I had a nightmare that I wouldn't get into heaven because I was swinging. Hubby had to wake me up because I was sobbing so hard. It was bad Though to tell you the truth, we were at the perfect level for us. I'm the type of personality that needs to justify/rationalize everything. If we would have moved past the soft swap level I couldn't have rationalized for myself...just where I'm at emotionally looking back. I think my personality style naturally feels like I would have failed myself, others. That's just where I'm at so your post spoke to me. Hence, I'm a crappy swinger

[Big Rock 173]

Essexcouple, whenever you make a life-altering decision, especially one that is as out of the norm as swinging, you are bound to have reservations, it's perfectly normal. The deception and hypocrisy that has to be practiced with people outside of the marriage (the vanilla world) goes against the honesty that most of us feel is at the core of the LS. It can be very difficult. I am entering new Poly relationships, myself and I second, third and fourth guess myself, all the time. All I can do is know how happy we make each other, and how loving and wonderful my ladies are, and deal with any fallout when it comes. Don't beat yourself up, think of all the positives, and you'll be OK.

[couplers 4,654]

My sister discovered we are swingers......THAT was a nightmare and believe me SHE LAID THE GUILT TRIP ON thick. We had several fights about it until I finally lost my mind and spilled my guts about stuff that happened WAY back when we were kids.

le sigh.

 

 

I can empathize with you. My sister (older) is the the only one outside our poly group that knows about my situation. All my life she has called me a "freak" or "wierd" about my breasts (small), study habits (intense), labia (large), job (nerdy), marriage (open) and girlfriend (lezzie). But now she is jealous because my job is interesting, I make multiple times more money than her and her husband combined, and my three sexual relationships are hot. There is no need for me, or you, to justify anything to anybody.

[essexcouple 15]

Thanks for the really nice replies, its lovely to be able to chat freely here and discuss with like minded people. You have set my mind more at ease. Thank you xx

[ClosetSwinger 112]

Thanks you and I AGREE!

 

 

I can empathize with you. My sister (older) is the the only one outside our poly group that knows about my situation. All my life she has called me a "freak" or "wierd" about my breasts (small), study habits (intense), labia (large), job (nerdy), marriage (open) and girlfriend (lezzie). But now she is jealous because my job is interesting, I make multiple times more money than her and her husband combined, and my three sexual relationships are hot. There is no need for me, or you, to justify anything to anybody.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Granted, I'm not a parent... but... I have to feel that if you can't feel comfortable with your own lifestyle choice or are telling your child that your own lifestyle choice is wrong, then you probably shouldn't be doing what you are doing. If you feel that swinging is in some way getting in the way of you being a good parent, then examine why that is and change it. Are you not spending enough time with your children, while spending too much time out with others?

 

As for the lying to family about where you are going. Try to be as honest as possible without being too honest. For instance, telling them you are going for a romantic weekend really isn't lying because you are doing just that (assuming that you feel swinging brings you closer to your husband). Telling people that you are going to meet friends, isn't lying either (now, if you are telling them you are going to meet friends from school, you might be lying).

 

If you feel that your lifestyle choice is dirty or wrong, then you probably don't need to be doing it.

[Avril & Dec 108]

Hi

your issues with swinging is EXACTLY I repeat EXACTLY the same as we had with our kids and family - we lived in Chelmsford at the time.

What we realised was that as our swinging activities were our little secret just between the 2 of us , it brought us so much closer together even though we were and still so happily married and in love.

Swinging has also enabled us to meet so many very nice and caring people and to view the world as a much nicer place than what we were seeing, the same as you, so many disfunctional families , kids on the street etc.

 

We have continued in the lifestyle and really enjoy it both sexually and friendship and long may it continue.

 

I suggest you carry on and enjoy everything and put the guilty feelings to one side and remember that most people although they wont admit it are interested in swinging.

 

kisses

 

Avril

[Just Passing By 140]

" Your parents are going out, we'll be back later" . Sometimes just for the heck of it we'll tell them we're go to do "grownup stuff" even if just going to the grocery store.

 

As to what to teach kids generally , I take the aproach that there are many things in life that are not necessarily bad things that many grownups enjoy. They take maturity and experience to be able to be able to deal with without hurting themselves or others . These things can include muscle cars, motorcycles, bonded whiskey, chainsaws , machine guns , and Sex .

 

Sex can wonderful for grownups, but we think it would be best for you to be over 18, if not over 21 .

 

And gradually increasing with their ability to understand : While we're not encouraging you , Creative Hyprocy requires me to tell you least harmful ways to do stupid things. If you are at a point where you are will just explode if you do do "somthing" then x, y, & z are lesser activities that will provide sufficent degree of satisfaction to all involved.