What would you think if your spouse was sending texts like these?

[archman 15]

We have been swingers for over 4 years and like most, our boundries have changed during that time. Our latest thing, for about 6 months, is playing separately.

 

This past weekend while she was visiting family hundreds of miles away, she was sending one of the guy's she plays with some texts. Now she is a flirty person, she flirts with everybody. I asked her to show them to me and she let me after "she finished what she was doing". I'm not sure if these are all the texts from her, or what he replied as she had deleted them. (they were sent over a few hour time period, not just one after another). To me, these texts seem a bit too personal but she disagrees.

 

What is your take? Please tell me a quick blurb about your lifestyle boundries so I can understand where you are coming from too.

 

Here they are:

Thinking of you...

 

:* :* :* thinking of your arms wrapped around me....

 

Thinking of the way you run your fingers over my body so slightly, and you kisses on my skin...

 

I love the way you hold me tightly... I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

I bet you do heehee ooh ), I think I can handle that. too bad I'm in Akron , I could use your arms around me right now lol :*

 

 

Lol... right? My hips are slowly grinding, I'm soaking through my panties, my clit is swollen and throbbing, my nipples are hard and pressing against the smooth silk of my pajamas, my fingers are wandering... I'm distracting you at work, I'm sorry...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

BAHHH I had a great reply that I typed up and then lost it like a moron!

 

I'll start over because I think this is a great topic.

 

The only two texts that may have bothered me are these:

 

I love the way you hold me tightly... I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

Our lifestyle rules are these:

 

We play same room or seperate rooms. We are a full swap couple, condoms always. We can play together or seperately. Our most important rule is this: ALWAYS BE HONEST, tell each other everything..even if you think it's insignificant. It's better to overtell then to NOT tell something and then have things appear that you are hiding something. AT times I tell my hubby things and he looks at me like I'm an idiot because THEY ARE INSIGNIFICANT....BUT if I question even for a second that he needs to know I tell him. All it takes is for someone to be drunk at a party and to tell a story that isn't altogether the way things were and then hubby is pissed and scratching his head...at me. If I tell him everything ahead of time HE KNOWS THE TRUTH. This has happened in the past and we had a HUGE FIGHT about it..until I told him the real story and then he was like OH well nevermind. So to cover our asses we tell everything....this has made us SOO close and I absolutely love that I can tell my hubby ANYTHING at any time. Our communication skills are so much better since starting the lifestyle.

 

I would have been more angry when the phone was not HANDED OVER IMMEDIATELY. She was hiding something. The fact that she deleted his replies and God knows what else would have made my head fly off my body. That is a HUGE rule breaker around here. My husband is more than welcome to read EVERY SINGLE THING on my phone at any time and I CAN DO THE SAME. Deleting things is being sneaky and she obviously knows you would have questioned things OR SHE WOULD NOT HAVE DELETED WHAT SHE DID. I personally enjoy reading the dirty texts between my hubby and his girlfriends, but then again I'M A HUGE PERV. :-)

 

As for the two texts that would have bugged me, the first one "I havent felt this way in I don't know how long." would have hurt me initially. Stepping back though from my knee jerk reaction thinking about it rationally rather than emotionally I realize that it's a TRUE STATEMENT. Of course she has not felt this way in a long time. She has been with you for a long time. This is not a bad thing. You can't give her those feelings of "newness" that a play partner can. That is part of the reason my hubby and I swing. The experience of someone new is such an adrenaline rush, an ego boost, IT'S EXCITING. So I'd give her this one and realize that she didnt say it to hurt you, she was flirting.

 

The other one was a little intimate for my taste. I actually have a LS boyfriend and even he and I don't text like that. The most intimate I get is telling him I miss him and that's it. I don't know your wife though so maybe that's just how she flirts.

 

Open, honest communication is required in this lifestyle if you want to live this way for any period of time. You must BOTH be willing and able to be BRUTALLY HONEST with each other at all times, no matter how hard that is.

 

hope this helped some.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't claim any expertise on "playing separately," since my late wife and I decided against it early in our marriage.

 

However, this doesn't sound like "playing" to me; it sounds like the beginning of a serious love affair. It needs to be talked out between you and your wife. If y'all don't, my guess is the divorce courts aren't far ahead in your future.

 

Alura

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Hi archman, welcome to the Swingers Board.

 

My first impression upon reading your wife's text is that I feel she is having a bit of fun, joking around, more than anything. I do not see it as a serious show of deep feelings for the guy. Most of the writing seems 'cheap paperbook romance' in its style and there is a distinct change in style with these lines that I've quoted. I wonder if these I've pulled up are more like how your wife communicates and thinks?

 

I bet you do heehee ooh ), I think I can handle that. too bad I'm in Akron , I could use your arms around me right now lol :*

 

Lol... right?

 

I'm distracting you at work, I'm sorry...

 

You know your relationship with your wife and her personality, I don't, but I have to wonder if her texts are merely a reflection of poor choice rather than any true feelings she has for this guy.

 

The problem with funning around too much with text like this with playmates is that misunderstandings can happen too easily. What is meant in fun can be taken seriously, and sometimes it can start sounding real to both parties involved and they could start to think there is more to their swing relationship than exists. I'm not explaining this very well; my bottom line is let her know it isn't wise to text like this. Let her know you aren't comfortable with it and you would like her to be more careful in how she communicates to her playmates.

 

After you have a talk with her she may feel real stupid for every having sent these texts.

 

LM

[padoc 1,703]

If Mrs Doc was sending texts like that to anyone but me, we'd have to have a serious talk! While Im certain that wouldn't happen for a number of reasons, putting myself in your shoes, the tone should be cause for serious concern.

[Tina and Bob 236]

Communication, honesty and trust. If you two don't have these in spades, the relationship is headed in the wrong direction, but only you two can answer that. I personally do not text or e-mail anything that might be misconstrued or hurtful to my husband, and I know he respects me the same way. Have I said intimate things to a lover, absolutely, but that's when we are together doing intimate things. Good luck, I hope all works out for you both, you may have to step away for awhile.

[whatwewant 38]

We allow a little play on our own as well and I think some of those would be a little over the line, however it would depend on our communication level. We discuss everything and I, as a male, realize that sexual attraction for many women is about a romantic connection beyond the physical wham, bam, thank you 'mam. Whereas for guys, well lets be honest, we'll do it anywhere, so a little romance from another party is acceptable. It's about honesty, communication and having fun.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We have been in the LS for about a year and a half. Play almost completely together, although she has played solo when I was down due to surgery, and I have a hell pass but have never used it.

 

My wife enjoys chat and texting. She has some pretty steamy chats with playmates. At first she told me about every single chat, and I read most of them. As time went on, I read them less as she told me about them, so she told me about them less. But I knew she still was chatting.

 

However, she does not delete them and I am free to check them out anytime. In fact she sometimes wants me to check out some steamy ones just for the fun of it. Sometimes she will tosses me her phone and tell me so-and-so want to get together, so I will read the text to get the details, which also includes some sexy chat at times. I might read some of the others that are unrelated, it turns me on a bit.

 

I don't feel the need to check them out for the purpose of keeping tabs on her. I trust her completely, if I didn't we wouldn't be in the LS. Nothing she has ever written gives me even the slightest concern, it is sexual, and that is what we are in this for to begin with.

 

Besides, I am pretty sure that if I needed to be concerned about something I would know from a number of other ways long before I saw it in a chat.

 

I suppose one could seize upon "I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long... " but in fact I understand that and have felt it too. Every time we start up with a new couple it has a "new and exciting feeling" that is different. I feel the same, but after time that goes away. It's more indicative of dating than anything more serious.

 

Are there things she could write that would concern me? Certainly, but like I said, I would probably would have already realized there was a problem between US long before I ever saw a text about it.

 

What would concern me in your situation is what ClosetSwinger pointed out. I would not be happy at all, and would be concerned, if she were deleting text or chats or hiding them from me. That would certainly throw up red flags.

 

But for us, as long as we are both open and honest, and the chats/text do not stray off into emotional spaces I am perfectly fine with her sexy chats. I hope she enjoys them. After all, she is having sex with the guy, so why should sexy chat bother me?

[Big Rock 173]

Hi, Arch. I'm a man involved in a Poly marriage with two Ladies. IDK how much help I can be , except to ditto ClosetSwinger and Alura. It seems to me you have two problems: 1) She isn't being open about these messages, and it seems that she is even concealing some of them..... This is very bad and you two need to address it pronto. 2) Even the messages she has shown you seem too emotionally motivated for casual play partners. My suggestion would be for you two to have a serious talk and renew your boundaries.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Mr. Here....

 

My ex did the same thing and I found out about it. Note the term "ex". I found cell records of like 17 calls in a day. She was smart enough to erase the texts. I found emails as well. Other times try to call her during the day and she wouldn't answer for an hour or so in the afternoon. She was in sales and spent her days on the road so that was pretty obvious what was going on. Funny thing is we never agreed to play separate but she thought it was ok for her.

 

Archman.....I fear you are heading down a bad road and you have little choice but to confront BOTH of them. Single guy knew she was married and crossed the line. I've said it before and I'll say it again.......Don't trust singles in the lifestyle.

[sweet_tna 680]

Thinking of you...

 

:* :* :* thinking of your arms wrapped around me....

 

Thinking of the way you run your fingers over my body so slightly, and you kisses on my skin...

 

I love the way you hold me tightly... I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

I bet you do heehee ooh ), I think I can handle that. too bad I'm in Akron , I could use your arms around me right now lol :*

 

Lol... right? My hips are slowly grinding, I'm soaking through my panties, my clit is swollen and throbbing, my nipples are hard and pressing against the smooth silk of my pajamas, my fingers are wandering... I'm distracting you at work, I'm sorry...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

What I get out of this:

 

Whoa, Nellie! I’m seeing some red flags here, specifically on the bold-faced lines. The stuff I didn’t highlight seems pretty run of the mill for messages between playmates.

 

Where I’m coming from:

 

Mr. Sweet and I don’t have a lot of rules. We use condoms for intercourse, we don’t do anything that makes either of us uncomfortable, and we provide full disclosure. Mr. Sweet prefers same room, but we’ve done separate room and alone play (Well, I have). We pretty much just go with what feels right at the time.

 

I’m the chat fiend in the Sweet household, and it’s not unusual for me to flirt/sext with playmates. For me, it’s all part of the lifestyle fun, and builds anticipation for future encounters. And I dabble in flirting much the way Monet dabbled in watercolors. Mr. Sweet is copacetic with that. He knows it’s just friendly, sexy banter. It doesn’t go any deeper than that, ‘cause that’s crossing lines I have no interest in crossing. And that is what I’m getting out of the majority of that texting you quoted. I’d also be a bit concerned that when you asked to see the messages, she hesitated. My hubby can access ANY of my email/phone accounts at any time. I hide NOTHING from him. Heck, if I have a really juicy chat, I’ll make a point of telling him about it.

 

But I’m not you, so how I see it isn’t really that relevant. Since ya’ posted this question, I figure it’s fair to say that you’re not all that comfy with this, and you need to let her know how you feel. I hope this is just a case of her being overly cheesy with her flirting or some other silly thing.

 

Best of luck to ya'll . . .

 

=)

[suniedazed 16]

Red Flags, you need to have a talk with her and him. I IM and I can be a huge flirt, but NEVER would I erase messages from my phone or the computer, I'm not a suspicious person but also have the view that if there is nothing to hide then there shouldn't be a problem with having them available to either spouse. The other thing that just really stood out to me as being not flirty but way to personal is:

 

I love the way you hold me tightly... I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

 

For me those are my hubby's jobs, not a playmates...

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Be honest with yourself. Do you really have to ask us? You already know the answer.

 

:redflag:

 

Ask your wife to drop him, cold turkey. If this guy is really just a swing partner, it should be relatively easy for her. If he's more than that, she'll refuse. Next stop; divorce.

 

Good luck

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Ed wouldn't care that I sent texts like this, yet he would never need to be concerned because I never would send texts like that. It strikes me as playful, yet incrementally the start of crossing boundaries and that isn't good without you being around.

 

I've been Swinging and with men in some pretty amazing ways, yet when I'm really into a man in a nearly emotionally engaged way, Ed is there to be part of it with me. The only exception is a man I've played with for years and Ed is typically in the next room doing his wife

[MN Tom 251]

Im with closetswinger on the two texts that were bolded.

 

The rest dont bother me (heck Ive sent/recieved texts like some of those) but the wording on the one about not feeling that way in so long is a bit bothersome.

 

Now, maybe it means nothing, maybe not. But the idea that she didnt share those texts with you immediately is a bit more. Probably means she realizes it was too far and/or she does have feelings.

 

Talk time is needed.

 

Also this all depends on who is sending the texts, are they all coming from him or her, or both?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

One issue is that we don't know who was sending which texts. But, either way, yes I'd have an issue with them.

 

If she was sending these texts:

Thinking of the way you run your fingers over my body so slightly, and you kisses on my skin...

 

I love the way you hold me tightly... I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long...

 

I want you next to me... You don't even have to do anything, just having you there. Your warmth, your breath.

 

I bet you do heehee ooh ), I think I can handle that. too bad I'm in Akron , I could use your arms around me right now lol :*

 

Then I'd be very worried. However, if those were texts he was sending I would not be as worried. But, I'd still be discussing it with her.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter what we think. If you feel they were too personal, you need to let your wife know that you were not comfortable with the tone of the messages.

[lizandtom 512]

Arch, the very fact that you're seeking opinions on here is enough that you need to express your concerns to her. If she refuses to tone it down and not acknowledge that she's doing anything wrong, then there is a problem in that she's not taking a step back and slowing it down to your level of comfort. As everyone else has said, communication is paramount. Once 100 percent fluidity is gone, the marriage is put in jeopardy.