Time for silence or honesty?

[SsHubby 56]

Ok so we opened ourselves up to seeking more than just single males. We got an email on Swing Lifestyle from a couple that wanted us to check out their profile. Well there were no face pics or any of the husband. So we emailed & asked for that. Now the couple is nice looking but the guy has a big mustache and my wife just doesn't really like that. It's kind of a turn off. In our picture you will see me with facial hair on my chin but not upper lip. I do that when the goatee need comes upon me. With the varying shade of gray & white that have started being more prominent I have been keeping that gone.

 

Ok so the question. Is this a situation where we should be honest and tell the whole truth. Should we use the not compatible excuse but give not details? Or should we just not respond.

 

I should say this, my wife is open minded and there are only one or two little quirks like that she just isn't able to get past. But also keep in mind that we just achieved one month in the lifestyle.

 

So thoughts would be appreciated.

[whatwewant 38]

We always respond. You are under no obligation to tell them why, so don't. Just tell them you don't think you'd be compatible, no big deal. Rejection is part of the deal, whether you're in the single dating world or swinging. You just have to hope the other party handles it like an adult, and for the most part 99% of them do.

 

btw, the wife is similar in the "quirks" dept., so I know where you are coming from.

 

 

 

the Mr.

[Alura 2,775]

Tell them the truth; it's always the best policy.

 

Perhaps he'll shave it off; perhaps he'll say (don't) "fuck you very much" in which case the rejection shoe will be on the other foot and easier to deal with.

 

Alura

[LagniappeDC 313]

We found that it gets a bit harder to reject someone after you have specifically asked to see their pictures, because then it's pretty clear you aren't attracted to them. We've gone the pretty standard route of simply saying that we don't think we are compatible, and have gotten a wide range of responses from rants to thanks to no response at all.

 

If you think there is attraction and only the mustache is holding you up then it might be worth saying something. As noted above, you just never know what the response will be, but at least you will have been honest. Heck, maybe it's an old picture and the mustache is gone, lol

 

Given that you can mix in a bit of good news/bad news, I'd lean toward saying something about the facial hair if you are comfortable -- but you are under no obligation. I think one thing that we would all agree on is to provide some sort of response so as to not leave them hanging.

 

Good luck!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

You have come upon a situation that will continue to occur when someone contacts you who doesn't provide all the pictures you require upfront. When you have to ask for pictures after reading their profile and e-mail introduction, they will know it is because of those pictures that you turned them down. For this reason, I would recommend stating in your profile that you require face and physique pictures with first introduction. And of course, you must be prepared to send out the same on first contact to those you e-mail.

 

You could tell him it is because of his mustache, BUT be darn sure your wife would meet him IF he shaved it off for her. He may be happy to do so and if he shaves it you'll no longer have an excuse for not meeting.

 

Which, brings me to this point: If your wife absolutely will not meet guys with mustaches I think you should say that in your profile.

 

Let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out.

 

LM

[Dont.Stop 339]

Put it in the profile. And then hope it is read.

 

We redid our profile thanks to some folks here reviewing it. And yep, we asked for pictures of the COUPLE when we are contacted. And sure enough, the second response we got was a couple with only female pics. Sigh.

 

In this particular situation, I'd inquire. Reverse fault and say, "If my wife wasn't so fussy about mustaches, we'd probably be in serious negotiations by now." That places the ball in their court, but with no pressure.

 

Good luck!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I don't think it's my place to ask someone to change their appearance for my sake. We've had an identical situation, when we got the pics it was the most god-awful mustache I've ever seen! A total turn-off. My husband said, "what? you don't like him? that looks like your friend with a crazy mustache!"

 

I just wrote back that maybe we would see them at the club sometime. Hopefully, if we ever do run into them he will have a new style.

 

We write to a lot of people, anyone we're interested in, but we have our face pics open. Plenty of people don't respond, or respond not compatible. That's just the way it is, we don't expect (or want to know) a specific reason.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Both. Reply with honesty that you are not interested. Nothing more than that. No need to explain why or give them any more info.

 

Really? What's the guy gonna do shave his stach for you?

 

Now, that said. If he has pictures that show both the stach and without the stach. AND, your wife finds him attractive WITHOUT the stach, then I'd reply back and ask what his current facial hair status is.

 

I'd also suggest an update to your profile in your list of "dislikes" that she does not care for upper lip hair, that will cover you for later situations that mirror this.

[PB&J 1,086]

We had a similar situation, where we initiated contact with a couple whose public profile just had pictures of her, and when we got to see him, he had a seriously huge moustache. I apologized and explained that I wasn't really a moustache girl, and that his was just too much. I see that they now have a pic of him in the public profile, so they're avoiding that happening again to them.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I agree with all responses particularly about updating your profile regarding dislike for facial hair. I would be honest and tell them that, but first make sure that's the only hangup the wife has. Personally we'd probably meet for a glass of wine/coffee etc. It would suck if he ditches the facial hair and then you meet and your personalities are not compatible. As someone pointed out it could be an old pic, or quite possibly something he's not attached to and willing to shave off. His SO amy be the one that likes it or maybe she has been asking him to get rid of it as well. Just be honest and let the chips fall where they must. Personally my real turn off are smokers, so to each their own.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Damn I have facial hair and I smoke, sucks to be me.

 

As others have said, be careful on saying that it's the facial hair that is the hold up, If he shaves and there is no "click" it would suck for all involved.

 

My best advice is to meet for drinks/coffee and see if there is a connection, if there is then the facial hair can be brought up. You never know, swinging is all about getting some strange from time to time so if everything else is there your wife might look past the stach.

 

I know we have "hooked-up" with people who's pics and online persona were not quite what we were looking for but in person they rocked.

 

K

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Folks, I will be devil's advocate here. So let's say you put into your profile that you don't go for a mustache. Great. Now how about the whatever number of other things that would turn you away. You can't list all of these, can you? Just try to think of them all. Somebody will right away show up with something you could not have imagined. I think it's best just to handle issues as they arise.

 

Now, having said that, I want to share something. We were given the brush-off just a couple of weeks ago. But it is one of the most artful brush-offs ever. I have redacted the names to preserve anonymity. "We have enjoyed your pictures and profile and have waved on the Interstate when we have seen your sports car. Thanks for the note. Perhaps we will bump into you by chance or on purpose down the road. [she] and [he] "

 

I like this one because it's "no" but no bridge was burned. In just the right situation, who knows?

[Fundamental Law 2,914]

Time for honesty. This is not high school. Presumably both couples are in a committed relationship and no one is going to be alone on Saturday night.

 

If physical attributes are important, and what you see is not what you want, there's always a gracious "no, thank you".

 

Both couples can then move on.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Being turned off to facial hair is common with women. Being a man who has had facial hair since I got out of high school, I find it sad that such a quirk will prevent you from meeting some very nice people. I could say that facial hair on a woman would turn me off, but it wouldn't and hasn't. There are enough turn offs within the personality of people to risk losing a nice one for a simple appearance factor.

 

Another common turn off is baldness. Being bald I have experience also with this one. Facial hair is choice but baldness isn't. I hated the fact that I was going bald, especially since I had a thick head of hair that women often complimented me on in those days gone by. So I had to learn to accept my own baldness. Fortunately some women find it powerfully attractive.

 

There can be powerful emotions with hair and not having hair.

 

I think being on the rejection side for appearance issues makes you more understanding of the shallowness of appearance and more interested in people's within.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

If your wife is THAT turned off by a mustache or facial hair I would put it in the profile.

 

That being said, I would just tell the couple that right now you are taking it slow and that in the future when and if you are comfortable you will let them know. I say that because there are things that in the beginning of our swinging experiences would have bothered me but now that we have been doing this a while I find a lot of it silly.

 

There have been couples we have met in person at the club that I would not have talked to had I just seen pics or their profile for whatever reason. Then once I've met them in person they have been really amazing fun people. I just am saying not to cut someone off if it's just over something like a mustache.

[lizandtom 512]

Really? What's the guy gonna do shave his stach for you?

 

Actually he may. We were steadily playing with a couple in a local on premise years ago. I have no mustache. My play partners husband did. After two or three times playing with them at a club apparently I did something right orally for her because the next time they came into the swing club her husband had shaved off his mustache. When I asked him hey where's the stache, he simply replied "don't ask." lol. We laughed about it.

 

So bottom line is, tell them your wife isn't into mustaches and let the ball lie in their court and don't sweat it.

[SsHubby 56]

Ok I should clarify. This is a thick mustache. I from time to time have done the permanent five o'clock shadow and I have different varieties of the goatee. But I never grown them thick. She prefers clean shaven but is willing to entertain certain levels of facial hair. I did update our profile to state that a face picture is where it all starts. I see so many many people with nude pictures with no face or swirls on the faces and honestly I have never met anyone in my life that if they were appealing dressed, that I ran away when they got naked. My wife looked at his picture and tried to imagine him without the mustache and we have been clearing our mind of preconceived notions that would close us down to other people. Trying to have a broader view of who to consider (so to speak). We don't want to limit ourselves without reason. As for the smoking, we have both been with smokers in the past and while it wasn't horrible, we just find that we have issues with it. That being said, we are learning to never say never on anything, but SLS doesn't have a maybe category. But hey, we have only been doing this about a month and our views have changed a lot in that time and so who knows what next month will be like. Because I know that I personally have said "Dammit, they smoke, why did they have smoke."

 

I feel horrible but I have held off replying to the email just to figure things out. I used to be good at "dating". I guess 12 years of not doing it has blunted my edge, so to speak.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

I like that you are trying to be open. It took us a very long time to get to the openness we have now. I still have some hang ups but the more I let those go the more fun I find I have.

 

That being said there is a man that comes to our club and he has a handlebar mustache and for the life of me I can't do anything but giggle when I see him (discreetly of course..... ).