Swinger couple are friends of adult kids - Avoid them or have discussion?

[EnjoyingLife 127]

So, we were at a party a couple of months ago and met a very young couple. We actually spent quite a lot of time talking with them and at the end of the night they were in the group room with us. They definitely saw quite a bit...

 

Fast forward to last weekend. Our early-20s child (I'm intentionally trying to be non-specific about gender and age) is in a new relationship and has a new circle of friends. Through conversation and then Facebook, to our shock, we learned that the couple from the party has become quite good friends with our child and the two couples have been going out together for the past few weekends. Our child has us listed as parents on Facebook, along with photos of us. We don't think the other couple has made the connection yet, but we don't know that for sure and it seems almost inevitable that they eventually will. Our child has a tendency to introduce their friends to us. We're not quite sure how we'll avoid that if and when it happens.

 

We are really new at swinging and still trying to even figure out if it is for us. We are definitely NOT ready to be outed to our family!!

 

We had been planning to go to another party this weekend. Had already paid for tickets before we found out about this. But with a little digging, we found out for sure that the young couple has confirmed attendance.

 

So I guess we aren't going to the party

 

We are hoping that if we avoid them for long enough maybe they'll forget our faces and will never make the connection. This is the only thing we can think to do.

 

We'd like to hear any advice. Does avoiding them as long as possible seem like the best way to handle it? And then deal with them directly when and if we realize they've made the connection?

 

Or would it be better to be more proactive? Maybe we should actually go to the party and have a talk with them? We have reason to believe that even as young as they are their friends don't know about their own swinging activities and they don't want to be outed either. But they are so young...we don't feel on even ground with them...and worry that even if they intend to keep the secret that it could still come out. This just seems so risky!

 

Of course, then there is the issue that our just-barely-an-adult child is double dating with swingers and there's not a darn thing we can do or say about it That brings up a whole bunch of other concerns!

 

Help??? I feel like I'm living in a really bad movie right now. This is crazy!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Our child has a tendency to introduce their friends to us. We're not quite sure how we'll avoid that if and when it happens.

 

I don't know that you can avoid it and why you would want to. Take it as it comes.

 

 

We had been planning to go to another party this weekend. Had already paid for tickets before we found out about this. But with a little digging, we found out for sure that the young couple has confirmed attendance.

 

So I guess we aren't going to the party

 

We would attend the party and talk with this couple and make sure that they know of your fears.

 

We are hoping that if we avoid them for long enough maybe they'll forget our faces and will never make the connection. This is the only thing we can think to do.

In my opinion this would be the worst thing that you could do. If they liked you they will make the connection at some point. Better to get it out in the open now and cover your bases.

 

 

 

Of course, then there is the issue that our just-barely-an-adult child is double dating with swingers and there's not a darn thing we can do or say about it That brings up a whole bunch of other concerns!

 

Not flaming you but I have a real issue with this statement! What is wrong with your barely-an-adult child hanging out with people who are open and honest. I would much rather have my barely-an-adult child hanging out with swingers than some of the friends he has now. If your child is double dating/swinging with these people look at it as a learning, life expanding experience for your child.

 

K

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Not flaming you but I have a real issue with this statement! What is wrong with your barely-an-adult child hanging out with people who are open and honest. I would much rather have my barely-an-adult child hanging out with swingers than some of the friends he has now. If your child is double dating/swinging with these people look at it as a learning, life expanding experience for your child.

 

K

 

Fair enough. Definitely no issues with the people our child is hanging out with. They are good, open-minded people. We would just hope that our child would have more time to mature, have more life experience, and have time to establish a committed relationship before making personal decisions regarding things such as swinging. Since our decision to enter the lifestyle was definitely influenced by the fact that we had swinger friends who were enjoying themselves, I don't think it unreasonable that we might be concerned that our child could be influenced by swinger friends enjoying themselves. Also, since were still exploring ourselves and aren't even sure if and where we fit in to the whole lifestyle, we have a hard time contemplating what a decision like that would mean for our child. There are real risks associated with swinging and we definitely know that OUR perspective on those risks is very different now in our mid-40s than it would have been in our 20s.

 

But honestly, that's not our biggest concern right now. Mostly we're just concerned that this very young couple, friends of our child, have the potential to reveal things about us that we aren't ready to reveal. And we are at a loss at how to handle it.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Like I said I would go to the party and talk to them about it. I'm sure that they will understand where you're coming from. Getting it out in the open will make them watch themselves more carefully.

 

K

[LagniappeDC 313]

We second other opinions expressed here. Go to the party, pull them aside early and have a chat with them. While they are young, it seems they have experience, and one thing we've found is that discretion for and respect of others privacy is held in high regard.

 

As for your own sibling, you should probably mentally prepare yourself that they may be (or may soon) be experimenting with the lifestyle. As you noted, you got into it through mutual friends. You just want to avoid bumping into them at a party...yet another reason to talk to this couple to avoid that happening.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

We appreciate the opinions. We're seriously discussing that as an option. There are risks either way, but the more we talk about it the more facing it head on like that seems like the less risky way of dealing with it.

 

Other opinions?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think you should just be open and honest and talk to them. If they are in the lifestyle they understand discretion.

 

Your child hanging around with swingers should not make you uncomfortable. We are kind, caring friends who like swinging and have met many very nice, decent people who are swingers. You don't want to think of your children as sexual beings and they surely don't want to think of you that way, I think that's what you are feeling when you say that you are uncomfortable with them being friends. Personally, I wish I were exposed to more open minded attitudes about sex when I was younger.

[Learning 160]

I would just have a conversation with them. Doing this upfrontvwork now may prevent future disaters

[Alura 2,775]

What will y'all do if your child and s.o. show up at the party with the couple? Your "outing" will be unavoidable. I'm sure y'all have considered that they may already be playing.

 

I think we would have chosen to talk to the couple, explaining our fears... but we would have been prepared to talk to our kids, too.

 

Sometime after their mother died, our college Freshman and Junior asked at dinner if their mom and I had been swingers. My answer:

 

"We never went to clubs to have sex with strangers, but we 'might have' swapped partners with good friends from time to time. We didn't play while we were trying to have y'all." They didn't ask more.

 

In my opinion, honesty is always the best police, especially with one's kids. Perhaps that's the best way to "contain" your secret.

 

Alura

[LFM2 1,482]

I've always thought honesty was in the best policy of swingers. I have found us in a pickle a time or two, but when you're honest, it seems to smooth itself out pretty naturally. Hopefully, they are mature enough to not be blabbers. I'm not saying they are, but some people do talk and it makes for a uncomfortable time, doesn't it?

 

I know that a lot of us have Facebook accounts. My FB is as vanilla as it comes. There isn't one thing on there that people could associate us with swinging.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Of course if our child asked us a direct question, we'd tell the truth. We're not doing anything we are ashamed of. If we were, we wouldn't be doing it. But we are concerned how the knowledge of what we are doing could impact other people (family) and our relationship with those people. We'll deal with that if and when we have to. But we'd rather NOT cross that bridge unless we have to.

 

We are definitely leaning toward having a talk with the young couple this weekend. Let them know who we are, our fears, and ask for their discretion.

 

But there is still a chance that if we just avoid them in other swinging situations, when (maybe even IF) they do eventually meet us in a vanilla context, they won't even make the connection. I know it's a long shot, but the club is dark, we obviously dress differently when going out than we do in vanilla situations, etc. We'd like to think that IF they made the connection, we'd know about it (spark of recognition in their eyes as we were introduced, for example) and we would THEN be able to have the talk with them. Plus, this is a new relationship our child is in and there have been several others before. It may not last--it may not even last that long. And in that case, these new friends would probably fade away along with the relationship, and this would become much more of a non-issue.

 

So, the above said, do you all still think we should be proactive in talking with them this weekend?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

So, the above said, do you all still think we should be proactive in talking with them this weekend?

 

Yes.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

YES, you should stop thinking about it and just talk to them!!

[WildMiCouple 325]

EnjoyingLife.....definately have a talk with the young couple this weekend. It will resolve your concerns and remove any future stress worrying about it. This one is pretty unanimous in the advice that you asked for. If I were you, I'd take it

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Brett

[Alura 2,775]

So, the above said, do you all still think we should be proactive in talking with them this weekend?

 

Yes. It might also be helpful if you can get some idea if they're swinging with your child. That might help in your communication with them.

 

If y'all continue to avoid it, the situation will continue to fester.

 

Alura

[LFM2 1,482]

Fester is a good word for it. Thanks, Alura!! I do think it would be better to talk about it rather than let it build and not really know what's going on.

[N8ture Girl 318]

So, the above said, do you all still think we should be proactive in talking with them this weekend?

 

In my opinion, Yes!

[EnjoyingLife 127]

Okay then. We'll take the advice. We'll let you all know how it goes.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

So, an update to this thread...

 

Within 10 minutes of the young couple arriving at the club the other night, we approached them and asked to speak with them in private.

 

As soon as we got outside on the patio, before we even had a chance to say anything, they told us they already knew. They had figured it out from the Facebook photos.

 

They assured us that the need to keep that part of their lives private was as important for them as for us and promised that nobody would ever hear about us from them.

 

All in all they handled it with remarkable maturity. I have to say we not only feel better about that, we now feel 100 percent comfortable with our child's choice of friends.

 

Thanks all for the advice! It was spot on.

[IvorieManiac 25]

Where is the 'like' button?! Trust me when I say you dont want your kid finding out what you do from anyone other than you! After my parents divorced, I found out my mom and her new love interest were curious about the lifestyle through my best friend. She wanted to barrow a shirt from me and went in my bedroom that I shared with my mom. Accidentally, she was thumbing through my mom's dresser thinking it was mine ...and found swingers mags. I felt betrayed by my mom! The whole time shes preaching to me not to be permiscuous and stick with one partner, shes swinging! Let this couple know that if your child is going to find out at all, you want to be the one to say so, not them!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Great!! I'm sure glad that everything worked out well. Hope the rest of the night was just as successful.

 

Kent

[Learning 160]

You see it all worked out from excellent communication! Awesome job!!!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

At some point in swinging you will run into people you know. When it happens say hello and go on about your business.

 

If you run into this couple via your children, just say hello and treat it like you've not met them. If they bring up having met you before, you can steer it towards "oh yes, you are friends of so and so (use the club hosts names)" and leave it at that. Most couples in the lifestyle want the same level of discretion that you do and will not "out" you in front of someone else.