Balance in the lifestyle? when you have kids...

[Learning 160]

I always like to be prepared so this his been on my mind. Granted that Mr. Learning and I will not be doing any swinging any time soon, but looking down the road at fall possibly (if I'm emotionally ready) just wondering how you all balance family time and swing time? It seemed like before, we had a ton of time to focus on swinging. Now our whole world has changed for the better with baby learning (he is simply amazing) but we would like to partake in our hobbies at least every few months. Before we had time to get to know people but it seems like it may not be the case because it may be some time before when could go out on 1:1 dates. Then you add if we only do it once a month, line up a babysitter, etc. it sounds freaking exhausting. Mr. Learning loves to meet 1:1 because when he is at the parties, he cannot hear worth a darn because of the music and feels often left out because of it. I find the parties better because we will know if there is chemistry with others or not (more bang for the buck in a way) . I tend to do worse on the 1:1 because of being uneasy about being judged by others and wondering, do they like us? which is stressful on me.

 

Any advice so I'll have some knowledge under my belt when we do eventually hit the scene?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We have two small children. We get out about twice a month, which is great I really need the adult time because I stay home.

 

We prefer to meet one on one but in the last few months have started going to a club. We had so many people cancel last minute. (12 times in 4 or 5 months! Sometimes a half hour before we were supposed to meet!) We'd already have the sitter so we'd just go out by ourselves. Don't get me wrong, we like to go out by ourselves but we also like to play! This was incredibly frustrating b/c they would call and say, "how about tomorrow nt?" This was multiple couples and we are very upfront about planning ahead and our sitter situation. So now we talk to people online then offer to meet at the club, if they don't show up it's their loss and we can still meet other couples there.

 

The other issue we have is how late people play. We like flirting and dancing, but sometimes all the drinking time before play seems a bit extreme. We can't stay out all nt so it sucks when things get started at 12:30 and we have to be home by 2:00. We just try to be proactive and get naked faster, lol. We went to a party and the hosts said wow, this is the earliest things have ever gotten going (everyone seemed quite happy about it though!)

 

One tip, when we brought home our first child, my husband thought he was going to continue sleeping in all weekend like we both did prior to kids. I put my foot down and said no way. So we each get one weekend day to sleep in.

 

Feel free to ask anything else, our kids are 3 and 5. We haven't met many people in the lifestyle with kids that young.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We have two elementary school age children. It is difficult to get out. It actually gets more difficult as they get older because of Scouts, sports, friends birthday parties, school events and so forth.

 

We do not have free sitters readily available so it can get expensive too, particularly for overnight sitters.

 

We have shifted more to doing Socials as M&G because if anyone needs to cancel then it s not a total loss. Parties are loud at times, but there is usually some area, like lobby, food area, or even smoking patio, to get away from the noise for a bit.

 

We have gotten creative about initial meet and greets as well. If we are just getting together to M&G we have met during weekday lunch, dinner (easier to get a way for 2 hours), Sunday afternoon when they kids have things going on at friends houses etc.

 

We have even gotten creative when meeting to play. I work for myself, so my wife took the day off and we met a regular play couple from out of town during the day. It was great, dropped the kids off at school, met at the hotel, played for several hours, showered and went to pick up the kids.

 

It is not easy, but if you think outside the box you can come up with ways to get play time in without sacrificing family time.

[Learning 160]

Wow, great suggestions! We do need to think outside of the box. I love the idea of meet and greets. I didn't think of that. We love the club but the only one is an hour a way. It's a dirty icky club and if you pull up one of my posts from last year, there was a couple we "broke up" with that attend there every weekend so that's out. Though if our friends start to have house parties that would be awesome. Dayton, you are right that there is only a few couples out there with kids. Most people we know have teenagers.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I cannot give any numbers, and it is only anecdotal, but we have met plenty of swingers that have children. Of our playmates, one couple had a child less than one. Others have ranged from pre-school to teenagers, and some of our older playmates have kids in college or married and moved out.

 

One thing I have noticed is than several are in their second plus marriage and share custody, so their children are at the ex's when they are playing.

 

I would not hazard a guess for the overall swinging community, but among our friends, it is around 40-50% that need sitters or must play away from their house because kids are at home.

[Alura 2,775]

For the first six of our swinging years, we had no kids. We could play whenever we wanted.

 

We quit playing while we were trying to get pregnant, for obvious reasons.

 

Then there were a couple of years when we really didn't trust anyone to take care of them. After that, both grandparents (divorced) lived in Tulsa and the kids would spend the weekend with one or the other.

 

After the boys were in school, we'd arrange our playdates during the morning or afternoon.

 

Then breast cancer came to stay and swinging became rare.

 

In short, a couple must make do with the time they have.

 

Alura

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Not only have we been in your shoes so to speak but we get asked about how to have a adult life and kids all the time.

 

When our kids were small we used the grandparents baby sitting service neither of our parents lived in the same town as us so we would pack up the kids and drive the hour to grandma's and then back to town for fun. the next morning we would go and pick them up and head home. When the grand parents weren't available we would hire a sitter. We found many of them through the local collage, there always seems to be young women who need a few extra dollars and come with good references. One other source we found was older swinging friends, they have kids old enough to babysit. As the kids got older we made a point of hosting sleep overs as often as we could, then when we wanted a night out we had the parents of our kids friends to call upon.

 

We have also made use of daytime play while the kids were at school.

 

Thinking outside the box works well, and cell phones have made getting away easier you are always available! if the sitter has a question.

 

K

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

One other source we found was older swinging friends, they have kids old enough to babysit.

 

We have been experimenting with this. So far the problem has been one boy, one girl 3 years apart. So having the opportunity for both to be off at a friends house for the night has not materialized. We keep hoping they will find some buddies that are sibling, but alas not yet.

 

As the kids got older we made a point of hosting sleep overs as often as we could, then when we wanted a night out we had the parents of our kids friends to call upon.

 

Great idea, this might work for us during the summer months when some of our older playmates have kids home from college. The rest are in the same boat as us, needing sitters, or the kids are older. But we will certainly keep our ears perked when we meet new people. Listening for hints that they may be open to that idea, but we would want to meet their kids first.

 

One thing we have thought about is sharing a sitter with playmates, as overnight sitters can ring up a tab very quickly. They are usually close to double a regular sitter and you are leaving the kids for twice as long. If they have kids the same ages, the kids can play together. If not, our kids are pretty low maintenance, give one a book and he is engaged for hours. Give her a an art pad and crayons/marker and she is in her world for hours.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

As the kids got older we made a point of hosting sleep overs as often as we could, then when we wanted a night out we had the parents of our kids friends to call upon.

 

This was our M.O. for the first few years we were in the lifestyle. We hosted as many different of our kid's friends as possible on our down weekends in order to make sure we would be free on "our" weekend. I can only think of one time in which that didn't work out for us.

[LagniappeDC 313]

We have two kids as well and have found ways to integrate our two lives, but it can be exhausting especially since we have no family close by. We found things go in streaks. Sometimes it feels like we are going out a lot, sometimes not at all. You must learn to embrace what life throws at you and make the most of your time out!

 

We have been successful using online services like care dot com which allows us to post the type of sitter we are looking for, what hours we'll be out, our rates, etc. Sitters then apply for the job. Many have reviews and background checks. We often keep 2-3 sitters in rotation for maximum flexibility.

 

As kids get older, sleepovers with friends are becoming a nice option. We even play with one couple whose kids are exact same age and they love each other. So we've even had a big sleepover on occasion.

 

It does feel daunting, but with good planning you can make it work!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We don't have kids, but even without them you have to balance real life and swinging. I've seen so many couples so deep in swinging that it seems to be all they care about. Our relationship comes first, swinging is something extra, it's a date night like going to the movies or out somewhere else. BUT, it's not the only date night. We'd get bored if we only went to the movies every week (or every night), so it's about making sure we have an assortment of things to do together.

 

Same goes if you have kids, only it's probably magnified because you have even more things in your life to balance.

[MN Tom 251]

We have 4 school age kids.

 

Basically for us it means we have to schedule babysitters ahead of time, and last minute spontaneous stuff is pretty much out of the question.

 

What we do is look ahead at the schedules of events and figure out which ones we can/want to attend (wife works weekends at times too) and then set up sitters, usually around 1-2 weeks ahead of time.

 

The only overnight sitting we have is with our families, but we limit that to once a month.

 

We also use online sites for babysitters (like a previous poster mentioned), we had to resort to that since we were unable to find enough sitters locally. Maybe it's different in your area, but here we found that we needed to have 5-10 sitters on the contact list in order to usually secure one every night we want. And we use the online sites to constantly replenish that list, because sitters flake out and/or have other scheduling issues that arise also.

 

Sleepovers with friends help a lot also, some nights we've only had 2 kids babysat since the other 2 were sleeping over at a friends.

[Learning 160]

Thanks all for the continued suggestions. Mr. Learning and I discussed last night how our former favored way of swinging is kind of out. I always liked to get to know people for a bit, then get things rolling (or if anyone knows my posts, let them get things moving....lol). I'm all for hitting a club and just meeting people there but in our SW MI location we are limited. There's a club an hour away but we had a falling out with former lifestyle friends and they go there every weekend plus it's not really are "strike zone", though it could have changed. As for babysitters, we are only looking at family members right now because he is so young. In a few months, we are going to have SIL to watch baby and sneak out to a party (well, that's if I can get the booty back into shape).

 

Julie, you are right about balance in life overall. I've seen a ton of people all about swinging every chance they get and they burn out so quickly. It's kind of scary when you sit back and watch others do this. You want to warn them but it's their path.