Help me warm hubby up to the idea of swinging!

[Txwife 16]

Hey all.

 

To make a rather long boring story a lil less long and boring.... We've been happily married for a few years, very family orientated, conservative ect. Behind closed doors, I (the female half) am bi (experienced) and have dabbled in 3somes over the years. He (no experience) has the desire to do the swinging thing, but has too many hang ups about it, mostly a religious/spiritual not wanting to offend God and a jealousy kinda thing.

 

He's expressed to me in the past that he would like to see me with another man. I've expressed to him on many different ocasions that I'd like to bring home a girl...go to a "party"...make some "friends"...just watch..anything, but he always retreats as soon as he starts to like the idea in the slightest

 

I feel like I'm giving up a part of myself. It has lead me to be unfaithful in the past (with females). I would much rather share everything with him, but he just won't let it happen. I know I can't force it, but........

 

Any ideas?

[VegasLee 1,486]

Just like anyone else, you do what you have done. You talk to him about it and have to live with his answers, or not.

 

You say you have been together a "few" years. You knew how he was and we all know that God and a jealousy is not something that works with this Lifestyle.

 

God does alright but the Jealousy factor never works. Many can deal with the God Factor, but the jealousy factor will rip a relationship apart in a heartbeat in this lifestyle.

 

I am going to assume you knew him and what he was like when you agreed to marry him.

 

You know feel you are giving up part of yourself. Did you think about that before marrying him?

 

I know, your a women, we are not suppose to use the same rules as with men when they come here wanting to talk their wives into swinging.

 

Well, I am equal op. type person.

 

You can live with him and the way he is or you can choose to not live with him so you can go out and explore.

 

Cheating is never the way to go but you have already stepped up for that action. Really is to bad, shows total disrespect for your other when you do that.

 

If you can't live with him and can't be honest, make the adult decision and move on. Don't lie and cheat on the guy.

 

You asked for thoughts, those are mine.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I'm very much with Lee on this one, I also don't believe that there is a difference between women and men asking for advice about how to get their SO to swing.

 

My best advice is to point hubby here and let him read and try and understand that there can be a difference between love and sex. There are few threads about god and swinging for him to read, and countless threads about jealousy.

 

If you haven't fessed up about being unfaithful now is the time, you cannot start out on this journey with out complete honesty and openness between the two of you!

 

I know this is not quite what you wanted to hear but sometimes hearing what is right is more important than hearing what you want.

 

Good luck

K

[Txwife 16]

Yea, I agree on the cheating. Not a nice thing to do. I've been on both sides of it and neither one is a great place to be. Somewhere in my warped mind it made it a lil more ok because I only cheated with other females I was younger (and a tad dumb I believe)

 

I'm well aware of the "if you don't like it leave...you knew what you were getting into before you married" theory. While those are two very true and valid statements, I'm afraid neither one of them interest me at this point. I don't want to leave. I want my cake and eat it too (typical girl eh? Go figure :P) I was alot younger and didn't realize that this part of my life would ever happen when we married.

 

I appreciate honest opinions, I really do. I really don't know what I expected to hear as far as feedback from my post goes. I kinda figured this is the direction it would take. Logically, where else could it possibly go?

 

I guess I was hoping there was some secret ancient Chinese swinger secret that I could preform on hubby and *whamo* he sees the light

 

Would it be something counseling could help with ya think? Idk I'm just grabbin for straws at this point. Thanks guys

[truckerbuddy 127]

There is one thing I would like you to think about here.. A live time of experiences can not be change in a week or two. ( the God thing ) If you love him as much as you say, you will talk to him about it, then talk even more. I'll be honest here.. I have been talking to my girl for 4 years about it. and we have not taking the plunge yet. I don't know if we ever will. but I love her and I WILL NOT push her into some thing that may end what we have.

 

the talking.. being open and honest and loving him MAY help him take the steps into the LS.

 

My best to you and yours,

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Like I said the only real way to get him to come around is to give him time to come around. If he has the information he needs to make a sound decision, he may in fact decide that he is willing to at least give it a try.

You didn't say if he knows about your playing with girls behind his back, but if you haven't come clean now is the time to do it.

 

Once the air is clear between the two of you, point him here and let him do his own research into swinging. Let him take the time he needs to get his mind around the issues he has about it.

We always tell people that getting into swinging takes "baby steps" and should go at the slowest persons pace. Yes this can be frustrating at times but for the one you love, this shouldn't be an issue.

 

There are some counselors that work in the alt lifestyle area, if you can find one of those then that might help. If you have other relationship issues to work through then I would suggest getting help asap.

 

K

[Babysteps 63]

There is one thing I would like you to think about here.. A live time of experiences can not be change in a week or two. ( the God thing ) If you love him as much as you say, you will talk to him about it, then talk even more. I'll be honest here.. I have been talking to my girl for 4 years about it. and we have not taking the plunge yet. I don't know if we ever will. but I love her and I WILL NOT push her into some thing that may end what we have.

 

the talking.. being open and honest and loving him MAY help him take the steps into the LS.

 

My best to you and yours,

 

FOUR YEARS! Anybody got anything to say about that? That's embarrassing!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There are no secrets. My impression...and that's all it is, an impression...is that couples who successfully navigate their way to swinging have three key attributes.

 

1. They love one another unconditionally.

2. They trust one another unconditionally.

3. They communicate with one another with absolute candor and transparency.

 

That combination is rare enough. And while necessary, it is not--by itself--sufficient. There is a 4th.

 

4. Both members of the couple have to want to explore their sexuality beyond their relationship.

 

Miss any of the 4 , it's a set-up for deception, jealousy and risks dissolution of the relationship.

[LagniappeDC 313]

We really can't add much to what has already been said. For some, they may never get over that hurdle, for others - like us - it's a long slow trip into the pool

 

Definitely stop going behind his back. Whether or not your are only playing with women, that is still an affair in our book. If there is one thing that being in the lifestyle requires, it is unconditional trust. Without that, you can never expect him to share you with others.

 

In terms of "hands on" advice we offer the following: Keep up the conversation. Use fantasies in the bedroom. Direct him to these boards to read.

 

If you have them in your area, go to an "off premise" party (no sex allowed on premises). Go with the absolute understanding that there is no playing of any kind - even light stuff like kissing or dancing with other couples (or women!) on the dance floor. That will let him experience the "vibe" without any pressure. It will still be nerve wracking, but it's a nice soft introduction. Make sure you don't change your rules mid-stream, because you would rather give up an opportunity rather than live with next morning regrets which could really end your chances.

 

Best of luck!

[applevenus 20]

FOUR YEARS! Anybody got anything to say about that? That's embarrassing!

 

 

How is it embarrassing?

 

I've been talking with my partner about playing with others for over 7 years. She is not ready to do anything sexual involving another person or persons and I have to be ok with that because it's not all about me.

[HisLioness 15]

There are no secrets. My impression...and that's all it is, an impression...is that couples who successfully navigate their way to swinging have three key attributes.

 

1. They love one another unconditionally.

2. They trust one another unconditionally.

3. They communicate with one another with absolute candor and transparency.

 

That combination is rare enough. And while necessary, it is not--by itself--sufficient. There is a 4th.

 

4. Both members of the couple have to want to explore their sexuality beyond their relationship.

 

Miss any of the 4 , it's a set-up for deception, jealousy and risks dissolution of the relationship.

 

What a great way to sum it all up!

 

Maybe he says he's interested in exploring the LS because he knows that's what YOU want and he's trying to please you (??????)

 

I may be off base, but it almost sounds as though your relationship is missing something, particularly if you are looking for something with other people (the cheating, not the swinging.) How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you be willing to give up the lifestyle if he said he just can't be comfortable doing it? I ask because I feel like these are questions I would ask myself.

 

Best of luck to you both in your journey and relationship.

[susanandsteve 32]

Hi,

 

I'm Steve. From what you wrote I consider you an essentially a selfish person with no real considerations of how your short term choices effect others long term. You rationalize your choices as being other than what they really are, selfish acts. If your sexual choices really were okay, you'd have no problems telling you husband about them.

 

Did he know your sexual needs when he married you ? If so, why did he propose ? Or, did you tell him you could give it all up, or something. Or, have you been hiding your true sexual self from him your entire relationship ? Just saying....

 

About the whole God thing: With billions of galaxies, does God really care who you fuck ? And if He does, God needs to get a life.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Wow, Steve. This story seems to have touched you very deeply. Care to share your story?