Wife sharing ... crossing the line?

jandlvaldosta · May 7, 2011

Hi this is our first post here. We are in an odd situation, and not sure how to handle it. My wife and I enjoy the occasional extra man in the bedroom. Sometimes it is just a playmate for her and I watch, and sometimes I join in.

We have met an older man and chatted with him a good bit. He is not really my wife's type, she generally likes younger men (usually mid to late twenties). This gentleman is around 60. He isn't the best looking guy according to my wife, and she doesn't have a big attraction to him.

Here is the problem though. He is very generous. He has given her several things through Amazon. These were fairly expensive items, in the $100 to $200 dollar range, mostly clothing. He has offered to fly the both of us to his place, in Florida. He lives on the coast and has a boat. He is legitimate and not an internet fake. He has given us his home and work numbers, and he owns the company (it has his name in it). He has offered to let us stay with him for a week, and enjoy the amenities, in return for spending quality time with my wife. On the one hand she isn't really into him, but on the other he is offering something that we can't afford now or at any time in the foreseeable future.

I think I know what the responses here will be, but I was curious what you thought about a situation like this. My wife isn't turned off by him, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy who is trying to help us. But I don't think she would be interested if the offer was just to meet for dinner.

slevin · May 7, 2011

To be honest, we wouldn't have accepted the gifts from him if she wasn't attracted/interested in him. We would let him know up front that we weren't interested and if he chose to send a gift anyway, then at least we weren't putting ourselves in an awkward situation.

We wouldn't go.

jandlvaldosta · May 7, 2011

we didnt string him on... he gave the gifts on his own without us asking

traveling cpl · May 7, 2011

Return the gifts and say thank you and no more. My view you crossed the line.

VegasLee · May 7, 2011

Honestly what your asking is not about swinging.

I don't think I really have to go into what it really is about but it is not something we would ever think about doing.

He could not have sent gifts unless you gave him the information needed to send them.

Think about what your doing. If your wife has no real interest in him they why are you really even thinking about this?

Not a good road to head done in life.

I am with the others. Return the gifts and move on with life.

funcoupledayton · May 7, 2011

I wouldn't do it. I think if I was with someone I wasn't attracted to I would feel like a prostitute especially with gifts and travel accommodations involved.

I don't think it's necessary to return the gifts. Just tell him no more gifts. You should be clear that she's not attracted to him and you probably should apologize for leading him on. I know you don't feel like you've led him on, but he wouldn't be making these offers if he didn't feel there was a chance.

Lascivious L&L · May 7, 2011

You got your expected reactions, calling it prostitution. Is that what you wanted? How do you feel about your wife having a generous admirer? That's what is important. If your wife is on the fence about this guy, neither attracted nor not attracted, and the thought of a nice vacation you could never afford tilts the attraction equation, I say that's reasonable. The caveat is whether the after effects will include a feeling of doing it for money, the prostitute factor.

Some women are turned on by the eroticism of a man being generous to her. If you both are on the same page and feel quite sure that there will be no repercussions or recriminations afterward, who here is to say you nay?

For me as the husband, if my wife was not turned off by the generous factor, or if she were at all aroused by it and the thought of a nice time together we could never afford, it would not bother me in the least and I could enjoy the time. It's important to note that this assumes the guy is a gentleman and his company is enjoyable.

The factor I think that has been missed in the posts above is the nice time the husband and wife could have together vacationing in a very nice place all expenses paid. It's more about the time they could have together than about the gentleman they would spend some time with.

Coupleerotic22 · May 7, 2011

How do you and your wife feel about her performing on command for "consideration?"

Sure you could have a great vacation, but she is there to work. What happens if she changes her mind, if she does not perform to his expectation, or wants to spend time with you when he is ready for her to service him? People are often perfectly well mannered until they have you in a position they control.

He may end up being a perfect gentleman and not take offense if things do not go as he hopes but can you afford to find a place to stay for the night or the cost of returning home if he tosses you out at 2 a..m. because he feels you are not living up to your end of the deal?

And how do you feel about her having sex with a someone in which she has no interest, in exchange for money. Yes it is money, if you had the money to do this on your on you wouldn't be doing this. How does she feel? You could do some serious damage to your relationship by following through, so be prepared if you chose to do this.

Goingood · May 7, 2011

I guess you'd have to be an older guy who's single and is fit financially to understand where the older man is coming from. He probably knows that he has little to offer the young woman other than gifts and is doing it to gain their attention.

The cost of the gifts mean noting to him, but he finds their company invaluable.

Any sex he may get out of it would constitute a "pity fuck", but he already knows this.

Alura · May 7, 2011

Two thoughts:

I once saw an interview with a prostitute who claimed to never have had sex with a man she didn't want to; the money was just an added nicety. I don't remember who she was.

My late wife had a fantasy of "turning a trick." She considered trying it on a trip to Las Vegas, but decided not to carry through with the idea. She wasn't willing to take the necessary risks. She was disappointed, however. She might well have jumped at a chance like yours. Of course, she liked older men, too.

If y'all decide to do this, make sure you have round trip tickets and cash for accommodations, etc. A long, detailed conversation with the gentleman would be in order before y'all decide. Don't be afraid to discuss everything.

two4youinswva · May 7, 2011

About 6 years ago, I started a thread based on the movie Indecent Proposal, in which I asked if you were given that scenario (A man offers $1 million for a night with the wife), would you accept it. Almost every person (including us) said they would accept that offer. Of course, in that scenario, the gentleman was Robert Redford, so that probably made the medicine go down a little easier.

So, I guess if we're being totally honest with ourselves, for us it's not so much a matter of ethics as it is attraction and price. Would we do it? I don't know. We would, as the old timers around here say, "study on it for a bit".

Oh, and no need to go searching for that old thread. It was sent to the trash bin a while back. But, there is another thread on the same subject still available.

Very good question and thread!

funcoupledayton · May 7, 2011

About 6 years ago, I started a thread based on the movie Indecent Proposal, in which I asked if you were given that scenario (A man offers $1 million for a night with the wife), would you accept it. Almost every person (including us) said they would accept that offer. Of course, in that scenario, the gentleman was Robert Redford

I wouldn't do it. I think if I was with someone I wasn't attracted to I would feel like a prostitute especially with gifts and travel accommodations involved.

Just to clarify, I was giving my opinion on how I personally would feel in the situation. Not calling your wife a prostitute.

A hot guy who offered a million dollars? That's kind of a different story. Most of us would do it if we were attracted, but we would also play with him for free!

I think adding money or gifts adds strings that we're not looking for.

NCfuncouple98 · May 7, 2011

Nice guys are great to work with and have conversations with.

I don't need boats or jewelry or expensive Amazon items at this point in my life. I'd rather stick to my happy marriage and just go swing with who we want to!

It's all choice and perspective. For me, I like swinging because of the variety and going home with my husband and not dealing with other men and their wallets or size or ... or.... or....

So no, it wouldn't matter to me what he had to offer. If your wife isn't turned off, but also isn't turned on, what's the point?

Mrs. NC

TheSwingerSet · May 8, 2011

I brought this thread up with a "friend" last night. She told me she has always had a fantasy of doing a trick or two. Just talking about it made her horny as hell. Now hooking up with a generous guy is not quite the same as turning tricks on the street but it has those same undertones. I guess I would not have an issue with it if a few conditions were met.

1) The Mrs would have to be into it.

2) All parties involved agreed to some basic rules in advance.

3) That the whole trip was paid for in advance in our names.

4) That we didn't stay at the gentleman's home but had our own hotel room.

If you search the swingers sites there are always people, single men, single women and couples who allude to "hooking-up" with generous men, women or couples. Not really our thing but I see them all the time.

Some of the statements like:

"looking for generous people to travel with"

"Looking for a sugar daddy"

We have even seen profiles that state right out that they will "play" for considerations. Which sounds like out right prostitution to me.

We have roll played hooker and john and hooker and pimp back in our younger days.

One time we met at a bar after work and we were in full role play mode, She propositioned me and we made the "deal" cash changed hands and a off duty cop pulled us aside and flashed his badge at us. He said he was going to call in on duty guys to arrest us, we quickly straightened things out by showing him our Id's but damn it was close.

Way back in my younger days, I was at a party with friends and co-workers. One of my managers offered me $10.00 to kiss another co-worker, we we did alot more than kiss that night, so I guess I could be considered a gigolo.

Quite often I find myself grinning as I type, thinking about all the fun I/We have had in the past. And all the fun we will have in the future.

K

ClosetSwinger · May 8, 2011

I wouldnt do it. It seems too much like "Indecent Proposal".

. I try to imagine what I would feel like if I did accept this trip and then how it would feel when it came down to doing the deed. I wouldnt want to but would feel like I had to and that makes my skin crawl.

Oh and I agree this isn't swinging this is a "gold digger/prostitution" type scenario.

Coupleerotic22 · May 8, 2011

It sounds like the main focus for most everyone is if the wife would have sex with this guy to begin with. Which makes perfect sense.

a) If she would have sex with him and he invites you guys on a trip, then that is swinging and gifts. (Gifting has another thread going on right now as well).

b) If she has no interest in sex with him, but has sex as a quid pro quo then it takes on a whole different light.

c) It gets interesting in the Redford / Indecent Proposal scenario, assuming she is interested in the guy, simply because of the magnitude of the "gift" and it is really not a gift, it is still quid pro quo even if she would have sex with the guy, because of the contract aspect, and finally the husband is not around. If she has no interest in the guy we are back to B, just on a grander scale.

Everything else is common sense safety and covering your ass so you don't get left out in the cold and stranded.

I don't think I have a problem with A, I guess it depends on the size of the gift, but if there is no quid pro quo and she wants to be with him in any case, I guess that is fine. Staying at someones beach house for the week or weekend is not a big deal, we do that in the vanilla world.

I have no interest in B at all. I don't want my wife having sex with anyone so I can profit from it.

C, well I if she is interested in the guy, I guess I would think about it. But I would just as soon her just have sex and leave it at that. Something about it.......well, I can't explain it.

Rakesh_Tiku · May 9, 2011

Hi this is our first post here. We are in an odd situation, and not sure how to handle it. My wife and I enjoy the occasional extra man in the bedroom. Sometimes it is just a playmate for her and I watch, and sometimes I join in.

We have met an older man and chatted with him a good bit. He is not really my wife's type, she generally likes younger men (usually mid to late twenties). This gentleman is around 60. He isnt the best looking guy according to my wife, and she doesnt have a big attraction to him.

Here is the problem though. He is very generous. He has given her several things through Amazon. These were fairly expensive items, in the $100 to $200 dollar range, mostly clothing. He has offered to fly the both of us to his place, in Florida. He lives on the coast and has a boat. He is legitimate and not an internet fake. He has given us his home and work numbers, and he owns the company (it has his name in it). He has offered to let us stay with him for a week, and enjoy the amenities, in return for spending quality time with my wife. On the one hand she isnt really into him, but on the other he is offering something that we can't afford now or at any time in the forseeable future.

I think I know what the responses here will be, but I was curious what you thought about a situation like this. My wife isnt turned off by him, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy who is trying to help us. But I don't think she would be interested if the offer was just to meet for dinner.

This guy is a wealthy man in his 60's which means that he has lived and has the experience to manipulate people.

He is now manipulating you with gift and free trips.

No one does anything for free; my concern is what is expects from you and how he will react after he gets what he wants.

A similar situation happened to me when I was in Australia. A single, older man showered us with gifts and I shared Namrata (wife) without receiving a partner in exchange.

As soon as he was done with Namrata, his attitude changed and I felt cheated.

LFM2 · May 12, 2011

Twoforyou said it... Redford makes it sound exciting, but not so much when you're dealing with someone that isn't even close to Redford.

No, I wouldn't be going, either. If you want a trip to Florida, save up and then go.

May 12, 2011

Twoforyou said it... Redford makes it sound exciting, but not so much when you're dealing with someone that isn't even close to Redford.

No, I wouldn't be going, either. If you want a trip to Florida, save up and then go.

Totally agree

interested-05 · May 12, 2011

sorry to be blunt, but think Elliot Spitzer. This guy should know better. I think you feel the same way but aren't sure what to do about it.

Best option is to return everything and say goodbye. To let things go is to create more problems down the road.

wife4females · May 12, 2011

You got your expected reactions, calling it prostitution. Is that what you wanted? How do you feel about your wife having a generous admirer? That's what is important. If your wife is on the fence about this guy, neither attracted nor not attracted, and the thought of a nice vacation you could never afford tilts the attraction equation, I say that's reasonable. The caveat is whether the after effects will include a feeling of doing it for money, the prostitute factor.

Some women are turned on by the eroticism of a man being generous to her. If you both are on the same page and feel quite sure that there will be no repercussions or recriminations afterward, who here is to say you nay?

For me as the husband, if my wife was not turned off by the generous factor, or if she were at all aroused by it and the thought of a nice time together we could never afford, it would not bother me in the least and I could enjoy the time. It's important to note that this assumes the guy is a gentleman and his company is enjoyable.

The factor I think that has been missed in the posts above is the nice time the husband and wife could have together vacationing in a very nice place all expenses paid. It's more about the time they could have together than about the gentleman they would spend some time with.

Most importantly is how you both would feel in his company and to be sure that after the trip, he doesn't feel entitled to anything more from you...I hope this older gentleman is not confusing "swinging" with being a "Sugar Daddy" that's two very different things. You probably shouldn't accept too many lavish gifts, you will feel wierd eventually, and it's not a good feeling to think you "owe" someone something...Good Luck!

djjwp · May 13, 2011

Does the movie "Indecent proposal" come to anyone's mind? I would say no to this and take a pass by reading your note.

Quote

He isn't the best looking guy according to my wife, and she doesn't have a big attraction to him.

No reason she should take it for the team for this. Now if she was attracted and wanted him that would not be the same answer.

bbarnsworth · May 13, 2011

It's been a week. Any updates?

escierto · May 15, 2011

I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash. You might be able to round up an entire group of guys who can rent her for parties etc.

SW_PA_Couple · May 15, 2011

I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash. .

This suggestion is hardly in the spirit of the question that the original poster has asked.

Alura · May 15, 2011

My goal in my first answer was to point out the problems that might come to be if the offer is accepted.

It is not the place for those offering advice to decide what the couple's moral decisions might be. That's up to the person seeking advice.

... and ugly comments are never helpful.

Alura

Alura · May 15, 2011

I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash. You might be able to round up an entire group of guys who can rent her for parties etc.

This one, not so much...

Alura

bbarnsworth · May 16, 2011

I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash. You might be able to round up an entire group of guys who can rent her for parties etc.

This suggestion is hardly in the spirit of the question that the original poster has asked.

While I was immediately taken aback by the comment from escierto, on further reflection there's a solid message within the very uncivil comment. What I see from it is "If you're going to accept your wife doing this, you shouldn't have any qualms to her being a prostitute. Might as well get paid for it"

I'm reminded of a story from my mother. She was ~2-, and was stunningly beautiful, enough that she'd been repeatedly asked to enter beauty contests. She spun in enough higher circles that she was asked out by and dated the son of an extremely wealthy U.S. business owner. She dated him for some months, and enjoyed his company. She was quite fond of him. But, she didn't love him in any real sense of the word. He asked her to marry him. She didn't answer him right away, and asked the advice of my grandfather. His reply was that if she didn't love him, and was marrying for the luxury and money, she was no better than a prostitute. (she didn't marry him)

PB&J · May 16, 2011

While I was immediately taken aback by the comment from escierto, on further reflection there's a solid message within the very uncivil comment. What I see from it is "If you're going to accept your wife doing this, you shouldn't have any qualms to her being a prostitute. Might as well get paid for it"

I saw the comment the same way as bbarnsworth. While it was perhaps too blunt, the point being made was that having sex with someone not because of attraction, but because of the material advantages, is not what this should be about. Since it was his first post, it's hard to have a context for it.

lovinher · May 16, 2011

I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash. You might be able to round up an entire group of guys who can rent her for parties etc.

I took it as sarcasm. And to me, the point was made.

Swing*8701 · May 16, 2011

Ed here-- Surely you know he has done this many times before. You were chosen because your wife is beautiful and your economic situation can motivate you. As a man of means, this doesn't truly cost him anything, yet will cost you everything.

AskMeOk · May 16, 2011

we didnt string him on... he gave the gifts on his own without us asking

OK... the term "wife sharing" sounds so 1940's...... Accepting unsolicited gifts..... we have already arrived at the price for sex. So, what's the problem??

Lascivious L&L · May 17, 2011

The reactions here are wild! Predictable, but funny.

"...yet will cost you everything."

"Everyone who is not a fanatic is a whore. The question is always price."

"I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash."

Here are some quotes from the OP's original post: "...and she doesnt have a big attraction to him." "My wife isnt turned off by him, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy ..."

For my wife and I those are the key points. Is a vacation you can't afford a factor in the turn on? Does it tip the not turned off to turned on? Is a vacation for both part of the attraction here? It could be for us. We met a man who has a boat on Lake Champlain. Playing on a boat on the water is a turn on for us. It is a factor in that man's turn on. Not the only factor, but one factor. In the same way a nice vacation could be a turn on factor.

Swing*8701 · May 18, 2011

The reactions here are wild! Predictable, but funny.

"...yet will cost you everything."

"Everyone who is not a fanatic is a whore. The question is always price."

"I think you should pimp her out for some extra cash."

Here are some quotes from the OP's original post: "...and she doesnt have a big attraction to him." "My wife isnt turned off by him, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy ..."

For my wife and I those are the key points. Is a vacation you can't afford a factor in the turn on? Does it tip the not turned off to turned on? Is a vacation for both part of the attraction here? It could be for us. We met a man who has a boat on Lake Champlain. Playing on a boat on the water is a turn on for us. It is a factor in that man's turn on. Not the only factor, but one factor. In the same way a nice vacation could be a turn on factor.

Funny ? Predictable ? Perhaps my point of view is incorrect, yet I'd wager I'm far more correct than you are. You'd never ask the question they're asking, you simply would do it if you wanted to. The fact the question is being posed is that there are some flags in this situation. As I often tell my friends,"If you have to ask if you should do it, it probably means you shouldn't."

Lascivious L&L · May 18, 2011

"If you have to ask if you should do it, it probably means you shouldn't."

This is an actual point of view. It may have some merit. Yet this board is about asking questions. To all those who ask about swinging, should the answer always be "you probably shouldn't"?

"...yet will cost you everything." This is more hyperbole than POV.

We assumed the OP asked the question for real feedback and answered based on our experience. He may have asked his question for the fun of instigating the very reactions he provoked.

JustAskJulie · May 24, 2011

I just have to wonder how it got to the point where he had access to give her gifts. Did it take that long for her to realize she wasn't attracted? Did he present himself as a younger man?

jandlvaldosta · May 25, 2011

Well this thread really has grown!

I thought I would give an update. We ended up meeting the man in question. He flew us down to his location in Florida, all expenses paid. First class no less. His place was huge, and right on the water. He had another couple staying with him as well, kind of in a similar situation as us. They were nice folks as well. We had some first class fun, plenty of great food, etc. It was like staying at a mansion. We were there a total of 4 nights. I actually got to know the other husband pretty well also, and we talked about the situation a good bit. Our benefactor had set up deep sea fishing and golf for me and the other husband. We had a good time. It was a little awkward at times, but worked out pretty well we think.

Alura · May 26, 2011

Well, it sounds like y'all enjoyed yourselves. Did either you or your wife have any moral misgivings?

Alura

two4youinswva · May 26, 2011

Thanks so much for coming back and updating this thread.

kcguy86 · May 26, 2011

Cl

Well this thread really has grown!

I thought I would give an update. We ended up meeting the man in question. He flew us down to his location in Florida, all expenses paid. First class no less. His place was huge, and right on the water. He had another couple staying with him as well, kind of in a similar situation as us. They were nice folks as well. We had some first class fun, plenty of great food, etc. It was like staying at a mansion. We were there a total of 4 nights. I actually got to know the other husband pretty well also, and we talked about the situation a good bit. Our benefactor had set up deep sea fishing and golf for me and the other husband. We had a good time. It was a little awkward at times, but worked out pretty well we think.

And what was the guy and ladies doing while you two were fishing?

jandlvaldosta · May 28, 2011

When we arrived he talked to us about our time with him. We would be allowed to do pretty much anything, including using the boat, access to the golf course, dining, drinks, etc. In return he would have access to my wife Laura when he wanted. In talking with the other couple they were basically given the same talk. He made it clear he was in charge and control, but in return we would all have a good time. He did ask that I not have sex with Laura while we were there, that for that time she would just be for him.

albinero · May 28, 2011

A truly interesting - almost intriguing - thread. Did the ladies play golf too? Did they use the boat? Or did they only satisfy the old chap? Did they appreciate the trip? Would they be willing to do it again?

jandlvaldosta · May 28, 2011

They spent most of the time with our host. He apparently was very horny or on viagra, because on of the evenings after he had already been with my wife that afternoon, he called on her to visit him again right as we were about to get frisky with each other in our room.That was pretty tough actually. Very bad timing, and I had to go to bed horny without her.

Coupleerotic22 · May 29, 2011

So what are her thoughts on the trip?

jandlvaldosta · May 29, 2011

Generally she was OK with it. He was very clear of his expectations. She felt bad for me not being to spend time with her, and she was a bit embarassed when she returned the night he called her from our room. I tried to get busy with her but she stopped me because she had just had sex with him, and didnt think I should have to have sloppy seconds.

Coupleerotic22 · May 29, 2011

This does not sound like something I would be remotely comfortable with, but to each his own.

Alura · May 29, 2011

This does not sound like something I would be remotely comfortable with, but to each his own.

I agree. It's not the wielding of the host's penis that bothers me, it's the wielding of power, which I suspect was his major motivation.

Alura

Coupleerotic22 · May 29, 2011

I agree. It's not the wielding of the host's penis that bothers me, it's the wielding of power, which I suspect was his major motivation.

Alura

Yep, my thoughts exactly. By the words jandlvaldosta used in their post, I would say that is exactly what this was.

jandlvaldosta · May 29, 2011

i think there probably was something of a power trip going on with him. we have actually talked about that, and wondered how he knew to call her when he did, and interrupt us getting romantic.

Alura · May 29, 2011

I'd say it's time to pick the roses and ignore the cockle burrs because shouldadones don't count.

Did you and your wife have any good times together during the trip, either on the boat, or elsewhere?

Alura

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