An experiment at a swingers' hook-up site ended today.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I ended a three-year experiment at a swingers' hook-up site. I wanted a way to identify in-advance the guys who place couples ads when they are really acting only for themselves. So I created a second on-line profile for ourselves, this one without pictures and describing basically the same wants and desires but with a key statement that was not in our primary profile, "If you're married and get caught, don't expect us to lie for you." We were startled to discover how many men went for this bait. We received stuff like "I want to meet you but I have to be discreet"; "I'm interested but my wife isn't"; "Does your female half meet men and oh by-the-way I can only meet her during the day." We even snagged a gal, "My husband isn't interested any more."

 

Well, all of this was becoming boring but what really propelled the decision to end the experiment was receiving a message from a guy we know and with whom we have played. We thought that he and his wife had their shit together and were really the perfect example of a swing couple. Now we have a moral dilemma on our hands. Should we get the word to his wife, who is apparently not aware of his fooling around? Should we simply pretend we don't know? Well, we have decided that we would have been better off not knowing. So the second profile is now gone and we are not going to tip off anybody's spouse. It was an interesting experiment but it is now ended.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think it is always safest to steer clear of other people's relationship issues, even though your intentions are the best. That presents a dilemma since I also believe you should treat others the way you would want to be treated, and I would want to know myself.

 

I had a similar decision to make one time that involved a relative. I had secondhand information that infidelity was occurring, but the person who was going around bragging about it, which is how it came to me secondhand, also had some ulterior motives to be saying something like that even if it wasn't true. Did I THINK it could have happened, yes, did I KNOW it happened, no.

 

I thought long and hard, sought the advice of others, and in the end I decided that since all wasn't well in that relationship anyway, it was best to just let it ride. The truth would eventually work it's way about between the two people that actually mattered since it was their relationship, and they and only they could make or break it. I wasn't going to be the one to throw gas on a lit fire when I didn't know for sure what the facts were.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I can completely understand the dilemma. I've been on the other side too. A few years ago I thought I had the perfect marriage and was in the lifestyle but my life wasn't as it seemed. When he confessed all the years of affairs my world came crashing down. I went to my mother to be consoled only to find out I was the last one to know. My anger over that consumed me because of the years I felt I wasted in that marriage. Now that it's all in the past I understand their decisions and I would probably do the same thing.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Learning something upsetting about a friend can happen in life. It's especially disappointing when you weren't expecting the friend to make the behavior choice. It changes your view of them, but you live with it. I think you should keep it to yourself.

 

You set up this experiment to expose cheaters and now you have learned that people who you thought would never cheat can exist among your friends. There are even single people who prefer to have sex with married people willing to cheat. They find each other.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I ended a three-year experiment at a swingers' hook-up site. I wanted a way to identify in-advance the guys who place couples ads when they are really acting only for themselves.

 

Wow! Great experiment. Just curious, how many numbers did you pull? Was it significantly higher/lower than what you expected?

 

Now we have a moral dilemma on our hands. Should we get the word to his wife, who is apparently not aware of his fooling around? Should we simply pretend we don't know? Well, we have decided that we would have been better off not knowing. So the second profile is now gone and we are not going to tip off anybody's spouse. It was an interesting experiment but it is now ended.

 

Question? I am understanding it correctly that this guy and his wife swing AND he cheats on the side? Or does he just cheat and some how managed to fabricate an elaborate and believable story? (did he use a stand-in wife or something?)

 

Either way, great job on putting out some tempting cheese for the rats.

 

Would I let her know? That would depend entirely on what I knew about her. But that means you need to know her pretty well. IF I really believed that she would a) truly want to know b) it would less painful for her to find out from us as opposed to finding out that we knew but said nothing c) it was something she could handle i.e. not fall into a debilitating depression, or kill him or something similarly drastic.

 

If we did not know her that well, I would have a hard time telling her, but I might tell the husband we knew in hopes he would do the right thing. I would make sure you did so with a third party or that you have a solid reputation that is beyond reproach because cheaters are often the type of people that will go out of their way to bring other people down to protect themselves. They have become so good at lying that they might be able to fling enough convincing mud on you that others shy away.

 

Short of those two scenarios I would just chalk it up to experience and move on.

[Dont.Stop 339]

The dilemma here is trying to determine how she will react to being told.

 

I expect she initially tries to defend her marriage and begins questioning your motives for trying to tear it down. Then she tells him and he is on alert and works on discrediting you. Even if the truth eventually comes out, you've suffered a ton of collateral damage.

 

Or, she might have already been suspicious and you have given her what she needed. If they appear to be the perfect swinging couple then this is probably not the way it's gonna go.

 

What if someone came to YOU with this kind of information? You'd probably question their motives as well. This is not an accusation or insinuation of your relationship of course... Most swingers believe their relationship is rock-solid. It would be pretty tough to penetrate.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Coupleerotic22 said:

Wow! Great experiment. Just curious, how many numbers did you pull? Was it significantly higher/lower than what you expected?

 

I didn't track it in an Excel spreadsheet or anything like that but an indecent proposal from a guy who had a couples profile arrived at a rate of about one per month. This is a greater number than I had expected.

 

 

Coupleerotic22 said:

Question? I am understanding it correctly that this guy and his wife swing AND he cheats on the side? Or does he just cheat and some how managed to fabricate an elaborate and believable story? (did he use a stand-in wife or something?)

 

Yes, this particular guy and his wife had expressed in more than one way that they played only as a couple. He and his wife swing and, as you worded it, he is cheating on the side.

 

A footnote to all of this. I am now feeling bad about myself for trying this scheme. Yes, I caught rats. But I used a deception to catch them. From now on it's going to be the straight-forward approach.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

A footnote to all of this. I am now feeling bad about myself for trying this scheme. Yes, I caught rats. But I used a deception to catch them. From now on it's going to be the straight-forward approach.

 

I would not feel bad. You did not cause anyone to do anything wrong. You found some valuable information that helped/may help you make some informed decisions.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

SW_PA_Couple said:

Well, all of this was becoming boring but what really propelled the decision to end the experiment was receiving a message from a guy we know and with whom we have played. We thought that he and his wife had their shit together and were really the perfect example of a swing couple. Now we have a moral dilemma on our hands. Should we get the word to his wife, who is apparently not aware of his fooling around? Should we simply pretend we don't know? Well, we have decided that we would have been better off not knowing. So the second profile is now gone and we are not going to tip off anybody's spouse. It was an interesting experiment but it is now ended.

 

I don't know that it's your moral responsibility to report to his wife.

 

You put forth an experiment, and now you see the results.

 

It depends on how close you are to the couple as to whether or not you tell the wife. Personally? I wouldn't want to be in that position, and it's not my place to tell her what's going on. Sure I'd want to know if it were my husband, but then again I wouldn't ask you to go behind his back. Does that make sense?

 

Some friends of ours are going through a divorce - vanilla friends - and she was cheating. We know this from HIM, but she has not said a word. We do not speak of the spouse when we talk to either one. We're still friends - albeit separately.

 

I prefer to let marriages/relationships live out their destiny and stand back. It doesn't do anything to my life and my relationship to get in the middle.

 

I understand your curiosity and your experiment. What you ran into is all too common, unfortunately.

 

Mrs. NC

[Chicup 42]

It's all relative.

 

For fun put up a profile with a cute picture, as a single female who is cheating on their husband. I'd bet a good sum your inbox would be filled from mail from couples, single males, and cheating males by the end of the day.

[MN Tom 251]

Chicup, yeah that would be plastered full all day long. Assuming the site is popular in any regard at least.

 

She would also probably get some unhappy mails too, either from other wives or hubbies chastising her.

 

Back to the OP's questions, as far as telling someone that would really depend. How close of a friend are they to you, would they believe you if you said it, and how they might handle it are all huge considerations. Are you willing to potentially lose the friend if they handle it poorly? Are you willing to deal with the hubby potentially harassing you for doing so? Are you absolutely sure some other games on the other side weren't being played?

 

This weekend we had a little teaser of someone telling another person something that wasn't pleasant, and it gave us a different look at the situation than we would have thought.

 

It wasn't anything like your situation, but the things that surfaced afterwards weren't all things that we imagined either.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Amateurs. You were experimenting and found you were experimenting with fire. The truth was you set up a fraudulent profile and you found liars that were closer to you than you thought. I really cannot stand it when people 'experiment' in this way. They have no idea what they're doing and typically are just a different form of evil. Live a genuine life and leave such nonsense alone. The truth was you were stimulated and got off on it. Nothing more than gossip hunters.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Susan here-- Amateurs. You were experimenting and found you were experimenting with fire. The truth was you set up a fraudulent profile and you found liars that were closer to you than you thought. I really cannot stand it when people 'experiment' in this way. They have no idea what they're doing and typically are just a different form of evil. Live a genuine life and leave such nonsense alone. The truth was you were stimulated and got off on it. Nothing more than gossip hunters.

 

Ouch!! Susan, that seems kind of harsh. Evil? Really?

[Swing*8701 887]

Ouch!! Susan, that seems kind of harsh. Evil? Really?

 

I'll clarify. I feel if you would describe cheating as 'evil' or a at least disreputable, what these people did is just as wrong.

[Wornsilver 219]

First, Susan, you are off base. The difference is obvious--one situation was cheating that caused harm. The ad was an experiment that involved subterfuge and it did not and is not going to cause anyone harm.

 

Being a little rigid, here, aren't we??

 

Second, as to the "moral obligation" to get in the middle of something. These things seem to have a way of working themselves out, causing the damage that was inevitable, without our help. Didn't we learn not to tattle in elementary school?

 

Still, it is hard to watch an impending train wreck without reaching out a helping hand. Usually, such a hand is bitten.

 

Carry on.