My husband has become preoccupied with sex and risky behavior

[pozega28 15]

I am not sure where else to look for advice but I figured someone on here might be able to help.

 

My husband and I are swingers and have been for about 6 years. I love the safe and sexy environment of a swing club and we've had really great experiences over the years. It used to be something that we enjoyed together but recently my husband has become preoccupied with sex. He has begun asking me to engage in what I feel is risky behavior such as requesting that I go alone and try to pick up strange men at bars, truck stops etc. When I tell him that I don't feel comfortable he usually gets angry and refuses to talk to me for days.

 

He spends a majority of his time looking at prostitutes online and I've recently found that he has been calling them too. It is beginning to interfere with his ability to be productive at work and at home too.

 

He has lost interest in having sex with me unless we are swinging or I go out and meet someone to bring home. I'm sexually very open, prefer sex often and we have had many swapping experiences so I am not sure why he would do this.

 

I really love him and want our marriage to work but don't know what to do. I can't talk to my friends or family because they don't know we swing. I was hoping someone might have some insight.

[Learning 160]

Yikes, wondering if he has a sex addiction? Counseling is a must at this time if you want to stay with him. It sounds dangerous for you and you need to protect yourself. Reguardless, you need a support system so please look into talking to someone.

[pozega28 15]

I've asked him about the prostitutes and he said that he likes the idea of a woman who will sleep with anyone. He said he hasn't slept with them, just called to hear what they say. I am trying really hard to trust that but I there are times when I do wonder if that's the truth. He said I am too picky and he would like to see me have sex with someone just for the sex and nothing else. I feel like it's my right to chose my partners and for me attraction is a must. I am never looking for another relationship but there has to be a chemistry, in my opinion.

[Dont.Stop 339]

We agree also... the chemistry and attraction need to be there and only you know when it's working for you. We all wish you the best. This is your marriage and your voice is just as important as his. Best to you!

[lotsoffun201 175]

I happened to catch something on TV last night called Taboo. One of the clips was about sex addiction and it appears this might be what he has. It showed a woman who was what appears to be exactly the same as your husband.

 

I would suggest professional help immediately.

 

Good Luck

[TheSwingerSet 205]

I agree that counseling is a must at this point. My guess is that he has a fetish

(Having an extreme fixation, usually sexually satisfying on something.)

 

What you need to do is find a sex therapist who deals in fetishes and both go and talk to them. I have seen extreme fetishes ruin careers and marriages.

 

K

[pozega28 15]

I do know that he has been with prostitutes when he was younger and before we met. It never bothered me and I have never judged his choices, especially things before we met. So it isn't something that he simply wants to try. I have thought about the possibility of addiction. We have been together for a total of 11 years and what I can't seem to understand is how we went for so long without these issues if he is an addict.

[Learning 160]

Sex addiction can happen at any time. Patrick Carnes is an addiction specialist in the area of sex. Google him and pick up one of his books. Then find a therapist that has an AASECT background because they are certified in sex issues/lifestyle open.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

This is very simple. Your husband wants you to do something you're not comfortable doing. Say no. No means no. If he wants to play the guilt trip game, tell exactly what he's doing and that it is not welcome.

 

There may be things you don't know about him and there may not be. You'll find out at some point. The bottom line here is whether he treats you as if he loves you, where no means no, or whether he thinks you need to do what he asks.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Since this compulsion is affecting his life at work and home he really needs professional help. He should seek out a sex positive counselor and doctor. You can say, "No!" til the cows come home, but I really doubt that will change his ruminations about prostitutes and risky sex. (and you should continue to say no to picking up guys at truckstops, etc, and closely monitor whether he's putting you at risk for std's by seeing prostitutes.)

 

It sounds like this is a newer problem, not something he's always been fixated on, at least not to the degree he is now. I hope you're able to convince him to seek help. He needs to get help for the sake of your marriage, and his work and personal life. Good counseling and effective treatment take time. I hope you'll both be patient and kind to each other while he gets himself back on track.

[VegasLee 1,486]

First off you both need to stop swinging.

 

Professional help for both of you to get your relationship back as soon as possible.

 

None of us can help you in any way.

 

You are going to lose any and all respect for him soon and the end will follow.

 

You need to get across to him it is help and no swinging or you have to take care of yourself. Hard decision to make but it has to be done.

 

Good luck to you with what ever choices you make from here on out.

[Tina and Bob 236]

I did not read all other responses but I am certain they were excellent. My feeling is that he has a relationship beyond a healthy swinging experience and he is hoping that you go beyond the boundaries so he can feel better about his cheating/untruthful relationship with the new lady. Be cautious and don't go overboard but time to be a little investigative without going CRAZY! just be aware of the hints.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Chime in with 100000000000% agreement on seeking professional counseling, both for relationship issues and sex addiction issues. This is serious. VERY serious. As VegasLee said, we can't help you. Not to say we wouldn't love to help you, but the depth of this is beyond us.

 

Stop swinging now. Period. Get help. NOW.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have to agree with the others. When an obsession starts to interfere with everyday life, it's time to seek professional help.

[Chicup 42]

I'm not a psychiatrist but I play one on the swingers board.

 

I think what your husband misses and wants is the 'thrill'.

 

When we had our first swinging encounter it was a thrill, it was awesome, we talked about it for a week, met them again, and talked about it for another week. Our biggest annoyance was we had this great experience, this epiphany and couldn't tell anyone about it.

 

Our last swinging encounter, we did the deed and chatted after like couples who just played bridge.

 

The sex is still fun, we enjoy what we do, but the 'thrill' is gone. Its just like the first time you had sex vrs the 1000th.

 

I think your husband is putting you into uncomfortable and dangerous spots, looking for that thrill. It can be addicting, and 'thrill seekers' usually end up doing very dangerous and stupid things trying to keep that feeling.

 

The worry, the jealousy, the imagining you getting pounded by some horny trucker gives this back to him (for now).

 

Thats the addiction that needs to be broken.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If it's to the point where it's affecting his work AND his home life, I'd definitely say counseling is in order.