Feeling like a failure

[shrevecouple 252]

So after a couple years talking about swinging we have stepped back and that has left me feeling like I have failed. I have always took pride in knowing that I wasn't the dull prudish wife. My husband could listen to his friends talk about how their wife wouldn't even try this position or that or heck some of them aren't allowed to give or receive oral because it is "gross" and he could smile to himself because his wife was just the opposite. She loves sex and always willing to try anything at least once to keep her and her husband sexually happy.

 

Until now...I met my match. I have been faced with realities and situations that I just couldn't or didn't know how to handle. And when I say handle, I mostly mean mentally. I understand the concept of swinging and that it's just sex and fun. We did have an MFM once and I handled that fine. It was weird I have to admit allowing another man touch me after being married and monogamous for 10 years. But it wasn't intimidating, I know how to please a man and hey, it was all about me and the attention was nice. My husband assured me that he was ok and had fun and it didn't have to progress past MFM if I didn't want it to. I just didn't wanna seem unfair so I mentally tried to prepare myself for the introduction of women into this experiment. But for the life of me my mind has not been able to wrap itself around that. I cannot explain how I can seem to separate love, sex and physical pleasure when it comes to adding men and know that I don't lust after these people afterwards and that I still give my husband 110% because my desire for him hasn't wavered but on the other hand can't comprehend it when it comes to him and other women.

 

It's like I think he won't be able to help it because they are gonna leave that much of an impression on him and he'll be thinking about them afterwards. He'll get something that I won't be able to duplicate or whatever (if you can think it, I have thought it). When he did express interest in swapping with another couple one time, I actually felt my heart sink. You know that feeling in your chest when you have been taken completely by surprise and are taken aback. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he respected that. He has never pushed me to do anything and has always had the attitude of he was up for whatever I was and not if is wasn't. We are together and we would do whatever together as a couple or not do it.

 

What makes me this way I have asked myself. We have gone to clubs and met some nice people and played with each other and that was fine BUT at the same time very aware of any woman around and especially aware if she was lacking clothing and then not really wanting anyone to see me naked because I am not super hot and sure they would find plenty wrong and not attractive about my body. I got naked in the hot tub a couple times but found it hard to relax because I am looking at all the women.

 

We had an SLS profile up until a couple weeks ago. We weren't doing anything with it really so what was the point right?

 

So here is my main reason in even typing all this stuff is that I am left with a sense of failure. I feel that now that we have "discovered" swinging the bar has been raised and I don't meet it anymore. My husband assures me that this is not something that he "needed" but just something that he thought we could have fun with and if we don't then he don't. But I can't shake this feeling. To me it's depressing to know that it we aren't doing this because we couldn't. It's because I couldn't. Now we have friends who swing and the stories aren't exactly the same. Some get weekend hall passes. Some get foursomes or threesomes. We even have friends who don't swap but love the atmosphere. I am grateful for these friends because they are good friends but now I wonder if he still smiles to himself because he feels lucky.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Dear Mere Mortal. You have found you have limits where you did not expect to find them. The only choices you have are to accept them or fight past them. Both are allowed and both have their joys and troubles. The bottom line is this: There's a million things you can do and a million things you can't. I strongly encourage you to embrace the truths of your sexual limits knowing that in the future the road you want to travel may not appear so forbidden or quick to anger you. Take care and be well.

[AskMeOk 148]

Bad JuJu.... these "raising-the-bar" scenarios typically are about lack of communication!

 

It isn't about higher, longer, deeper, farther, whatever, you get the idea! It isn't about YOU, either.... it is about YOU AS A COUPLE.... this should be fun for the two of you. You don't have to do any thing else fantastical... as he has noted, you are a COUPLE of swingers.... you are freakier than all of the other wives and he is trying to tell you how special and unique you are to him....

 

Advise: forget the (non-existent) one-up-manship and have that *couples* talk about how you can have fun with this TOGETHER...

 

.... frankly, you sound pretty special to me, and I bet he REALLY appreciates that! Aren't you girls in control of this, any way?????

[T-Rex 148]

Take your time. Now may not be the right time for you push your own limits. There is a reason that there may not be as many younger couples in the Lifestyle as older couples. I think you have to reach a time in your relationship when you believe or know that your spouse is "here to stay". You may think it intellectually, but deep down (in your heart, in your gut, wherever) you aren't sure, and you react with a little fear and maybe jealosy. I don't believe that either of us would have been prepared to ready for any type of swinging 10 years into our marriage. If and when the time is right you will hopefully each take honest pleasure in your spouse's pleasure...and that means that you no longer have a fear of loss. Your excitement is his excitement and vice versa.

 

There may be personal hurdles that you never overcome. Mrs. Rex and I are able to play in separate rooms, but we prefer to be in the same room, preferably next to each other while we play with others. Neither of us feels at all comfortable with invitations for separate sleepovers, and we don't see ourselves having "weekend hall passes"...it isn't going to happen. That said, we're happy to be in the middle of a monkey pile...as long as we are there together.

 

There is a reason that swingers are encouraged to take small steps. You maintain your balance and you are comfortable with where you are going. Talk to your husband and do the things you both enjoy. That should be your current limit. It sounds like he has fun if you are having fun. Do things where you don't feel threatened. From your picture, you are a very attractive yourng woman. While you may not think you can hold your own with other women, I don't believe you will ever have a problem, but the issue is that that is not how you feel right now. So, talk to your husband about how far things can go where you are having still comforable and having fun and plan activities that respect that limit. If the limit changes, then make adjustments.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

So and he could smile to himself because his wife was just the opposite. She loves sex and always willing to try anything at least once to keep her and her husband sexually happy.

 

I'm sure that this is enough for him, I know it would be enough for me!!

 

Until now......I met my match. I have been faced with realities and situations that I just couldn't or didn't know how to handle. And when I say handle, I mostly mean mentally. I understand the concept of swinging and that it's just sex and fun.

 

Understanding this and being able to "deal" with it emotionally are two different things, As a male it's no big deal to me that you aren't ready to. Your hubby sounds like he is willing to do what you want, either wait until you are ready or never take that step.

 

We did have an MFM once and I handled that fine. It was weird I have to admit allowing another man touch me after being married and monogamous for 10 years. But it wasn't intimidating, I know how to please a man and hey, it was all about me and the attention was nice. My husband assured me that he was ok and had fun and it didn't have to progress past MFM if i didn't want it to.

 

It's quite a bit different to be the receiver of an extra playmate and the one who is sharing their spouse with someone else. Taking that step and actually seeing your spouse with someone else is a shock to the system for most new swingers and not a step to be taken lightly.

 

It's like I think he won't be able to help it because they are gonna leave that much of an impression on him and he'll be thinking about them afterwords. He'll get something that I won't be able to duplicate or whatever.

 

Believe me this not something to worry yourself about, you will always be the best that he has ever had or ever will have, no one else knows all his buttons and there is also that hold you have on his heart that makes sex with you more special.

 

We have gone to clubs and met some nice people and played with each other and that was fine

 

There is nothing wrong with continuing this if it makes you happy, there are many couples that never go further than this.

 

BUT at the same time very aware of any woman around and especially aware if she was lacking clothing and then not really wanting anyone to see me naked because i am not super hot and sure they would find plenty wrong and not attractive about my body. I got naked i the hot tub a couple times but found it hard to relax because i am looking at all the women.

 

From this statement I'm going to assume that you are not bi or bi-curious and that you need to work on your own self image. All women are sexy, hot, alluring in their own way. The only women that I'm not attracted to are those who are shallow, or not bright enough to hold a conversation.

 

 

So here is my main reason in even typing all this stuff is that I am left with a sense of failure. I feel that now that we have "discovered" swinging the bar has been raised and I don't meet it anymore. My husband assures me that this is not something that he "needed" but just something that he thought w could have fun with and if we don't then he don't. But I can't shake this feeling. To me it's depressing to know that it we aren't doing this because we couldn't. It's because I couldn't. Now we have friends who swing and the stories aren't exactly the same. Some get weekend hall passes. Some get 4 somes or threesomes. We even have friends who don't swap but love the atmosphere. I am grateful for these friends because they are good friends but now I wonder if he still smiles to himself because he feels lucky.

 

I'm sure that he still has that "smile" every time he thinks about you which is most likely several hundred times a day. As you stated at the beginning of your post, you are special, not all or even most women are willing/adventurous enough to push their sexual comfort level to try new things and admit that they enjoy what most would consider abnormal behavior in the bedroom.

 

If you take some time read the threads here you will see that there are couples who have spent many more years than you getting to this point. Enjoy what you have and if you are ever ready to take the next step you will know that you are doing it for the right reasons and not just to make your hubby happy, and if you are never ready you have had a great time with your hubby and I'm sure that those great times will continue.

 

Kent

[slevin 1,374]

Are you asking this to see if he will really be able to continue being happy even though you are not going to continue swinging? Or are you asking this as a prelude to having an excuse to push through your own boundaries?

 

Do you want to push through your own boundaries? Or are you happy with your life without swinging in it and want to keep it that way?

[SheerBliss 92]

Oh Honey -- join my sad little club.

 

I also like being the girl who will do anything...the girl who has few limits and an insatiable sexual appetite. I have an erotic blog with over 400 fans and I teach classes in sexual technique at a local sexual health organization. I jumped into MFM threesomes last year with gusto! But I could not tolerate my husband being with another woman no matter how hard I tried. And believe me, I tried hard.

 

If you look at my past posts you'll see my angst over our encounters with another couple. During that time I actually got a couple of messages from people here saying that I was being selfish by not "allowing" my husband to have sex with other women and that I should not even be on a Swingers' Board because I am clearly too vanilla for the Lifestyle.

 

I think that we all have our different "kinks" and I've come to accept that mine does not involve full swap. I'd love it to be otherwise, but it's not. I would encourage you to value the fun relationship that you do have with your husband and be thankful, like I am that you have a husband who loves devotedly and who seems to be happy with you just the way you are.

[shrevecouple 252]

Kent no I am not bi or really too bi curious. Honestly from what i have seen female bi play is pushed a lot in the lifestyle and that has been a big turnoff for me. It seems almost expected.

 

Slevin I don't doubt he/we can be perfectly happy without swinging. We were perfectly happy before the idea came about. I wasn't really aware I was asking anything but stating my feelings on the matter. I think i wouldn't feel down if we had looked at each other one day and just smiled and said.."no this isn't for us" but it has always been in my court ever since the MFM. He has been down for whatever and it up to me to decide. Of course you may say that that is how it should be but that is an awkward place to be at as well. To me there is no thing as no pressure when it feels like everyone is waiting on your actions.

[slevin 1,374]

Kent no I am not bi or really too bi curious. Honestly from what i have seen female bi play is pushed alot in the lifestyle and that has been a big turnoff for me. It seems almost expected.

 

Slevin I don't doubt he/we can be perfectly happy without swinging. We were perfectly happy before the idea came about. I wasn't really aware I was asking anything but stating my feelings on the matter. I think i wouldn't feel down if we had looked at each other one day and just smiled and said.."no this isn't for us" but it has always been in my court ever since the MFM. He has been down for whatever and it up to me to decide. Of course you may say that that is how it should be but that is an akward place to be at as well. To me there is no thing as no pressure when it feels like everyone is waiting on your actions.

 

Would it have been easier for you if he had come to you and said: "I can see that this is something that isn't making you happy. I don't want to swing anymore"? In otherwords, him taking ownership of the decision rather than leaving the decision up to you.

[Guest erotichugs]

If you don't like your husband being with another woman... you don't like it PERIOD. if you are not interested in women... you are not interested in women PERIOD.

 

I don't think there is anything to be ashamed off much less feel guilty about.

 

Swinging is about something EXTRA in life.. and all, each and everyone of us, has different limits.. we are not "MARRIED" to SWINGING where we have to compromise or try to do things we dislike to to make the marriage better.

 

I have read right on this board, if you don't want to swing with a man / woman of certain race... why are you in swinging.

 

We have limits and likes and dislikes and we respect other people's likes and dislikes.

 

Being an Interracial couple, some people have come out and told us straight out... not interested in inter-racials... and we are totally cool with that.

 

On the other hand... other couples have been turned on by us... ? and we are cool with that too ?

 

Didn't take that to heart or felt like we are doing something wrong.

 

You are who you are... and that's the only way to be.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Mrs. DontStop loves to cook. It's one of the many ways she shows her love to Mr. DontStop. But occasionally we eat out. And sometimes I'll order something I've never had before. And it might be gooooooooood.

 

Mrs. DontStop will immediately examine the plate, see what went into it and make it at home. Of course, when she does make it at home, she'll add a little bit to it to make it a bit more interesting. And if she doesn't make it right, she'll try again. And I may still think the dish I had when we ate out was great. But I'm not gonna eat there every night. Nothing's better than home cooking.

 

(and this is a honest-to-goodness analogy here)

 

Everytime we head out on a swinging romp, be it with a couple or at a club (or a hall pass), we always look each other in the eye before things get going and say "I love you." And when we're done, we do it again. And we always refer to our encounters as foreplay, because when once get each other alone we have incredible, mind-blowing sex. We always remind each other of all we've accomplished as a family, and there is no piece of ass out there worth tearing it all down for.

 

I hope you can either find your way through this and return to swinging, or be at peace with yourself as yourself. Sounds like your husband has already accepted his wife the way she is.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I have one question. You say after a couple years talking about it but how long have you actually been participating in the lifestyle?

 

I think there has been a lot of great responses here with different opinions and advice. I could repeat a lot of it but thought I would focus on one particular impression your post left me with and that is some self-confidence concerns. Comments like you couldn't relax around the other women, he may get something you won't be able to duplicate, I'm not super hot, etc.

 

I think all of these are very rational things. Swinging is not about perfection and my wife has been with men who have been better toned, had bigger packages, etc. while I have been with some who were a lot more petite, bigger boobs, and so on but ultimately my wife and I know that a night of hot sex, even with someone who we may feel is more sexual, better proportioned, or whatever the case is not going to threaten the years of love and intimacy the two of us have built together.

 

You sound like you are able to clearly think these things through in your mind and I agree that some people may never be able to go beyond certain limits. I think you just need time to work through yours and always keep an open mind. There shouldn't be any rush to move beyond what your comfort level is and it sounds like your husband is very supportive.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[shrevecouple 252]

Would it have been easier for you if he had come to you and said: "I can see that this is something that isn't making you happy. I don't want to swing anymore"? In otherwords, him taking ownership of the decision rather than leaving the decision up to you.

 

That's pretty much what he did. Said it wasn't worth the stress that it caused me. This is why I feel the way I do.

[shrevecouple 252]

I have one question. You say after a couple years talking about it but how long have you actually been participating in the lifestyle?

 

We made an sls profile last summer and had the one MFM last September and have since been to the clubs about 5 times. Have met and friended a few couples.

[LFM2 1,482]

Mrs. Shreve.... You haven't failed and you're not a failure. Failure comes when you do the same thing over and expect a different result. It's a failure when you don't recognize that what you're doing is not making you happy.

 

I think I can say this for most of us swingers. Swinging is just a fun hobby for most of us. We do this for fun and sex. We aren't seeking something that isn't in our marriage. We're happy with our spouses and if one wanted to quit tomorrow, we could and there would be no hard feelings.

 

Failing to recognize that and doing the same thing over and over again and becoming more unhappy? That's a huge fail.

 

You've done just right. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

You haven't failed, you just haven't found swinging thus far to be comfortable for you. That's ok and it sounds like your husband is fine with it. It is fine for you to agree that it was and experiment /adventure and go back to monogamy. If you are interested in continuing you need to re-evaluate what your desires and fantasies are and pursue them together. Not everyone is turned on by swinging and if you're not, it's probably not something you should continue.

 

I'm going to assume that by posting here you are asking for advice on how to continue swinging. I personally am a huge proponent of reading and research. Here are some suggestions from personal experience. I broke them down into the issues that you raised in your original post.

 

The Bi issue: When we started I was not interested in women and didn't think I ever would be. I did admire women's beauty and personalities, but had no desire to be with them sexually. My husband did not push me at all in this regard either. I read the book, The Ethical Slut and one thing about it that I really liked was that it opened my mind to finding pleasure in people regardless of gender. It didn't make me bi, just helped me to be more open-minded and comfortable. Since then I have met and played with a few women and it has been a wonderful experience.

 

The self-confidence issue: Recognize that we all have our faults. Do you best to be healthy and take care of yourself. Believe your husband and potential playmates when they say you're attractive. I do a lot of guided imagery and hypnosis for weight control and I feel like it really helps. One of the things they stress is that your body is your life-long friend, you have to love and accept your body. Maybe guided imagery could help you with self-confidence? I like Belleruth Naparstek.

 

The jealousy issue: Many people just swing as hot-wives where the husband doesn't play with other women. If that works for the two of you, go for it. If you want to work on your jealousy two good books are, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up

 

Finding what turns you on about swinging issue: Read or listen to podcasts about swinging and learn what turns you on, talk to your husband and pursue these fantasies through bedroom talk and then maybe in real life. Podcasts that I like are Swingercast, Sex is Fun and Life on the Swingset. There are tons of erotica stories in print and online.

[slevin 1,374]

That's pretty much what he did. Said it wasn't worth the stress that it caused me. This is why I feel the way I do.

 

So are you feeling badly because you feel like he still wants to swing and you are worried he is going to be unhappy because you both stopped now? Or are you feeling badly because you didn't want to completely stop and you're frustrated with yourself for getting in the way of enjoying yourself?

[shrevecouple 252]

So are you feeling badly because you feel like he still wants to swing and you are worried he is going to be unhappy because you both stopped now? Or are you feeling badly because you didn't want to completely stop and you're frustrated with yourself for getting in the way of enjoying yourself?

 

I suppose it could be some of both.

[lizandtom 512]

The problem I see is not about your husband having lack of interest in you, or any possibility of him encountering another womans influence that you cannot reproduce. You have clearly stated that he is willing to go at 'the slowest persons pace,' namely, you.

 

The problem is you have an esteem problem. You fear inadequacy if someone 'better' comes along and introduces him to a 'better' time.

 

You need to discuss this with him, and go about getting over this envy in baby steps. It sounds like you can have a great deal of fun in the lifestyle, but need to let go a bit in very small increments. When you go to the clubs again (and after thorough discussion with your husband) and see friends, tell them that you two are experimenting a little if they are willing to help out, and do a little 'making out with them,' and see how you feel. The fear might be much worse than the actual event, and then re-evaluate to either take it further, or decide it's just not right for you. Good luck.

[shrevecouple 252]

LOL...I swear it just kills me how so little importance or no big deal "making out" seems to some. I really don't know why I posted here. I guess I keep thinking I'll find an answer somewhere. An Aha moment I guess. I have been really depressed over this and I just really wonder if people who have been able to completely compartmentalize sex and any act related to it can understand. There are some that poke fun at how intimate kissing is to some of us but it is just as important as penetration to me.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

shrevecouple said:

So after a couple years talking about swinging we have stepped back and that has left me feeling like I have failed.

 

After reading your initial post in this thread, it really makes me think that a reevaluation of "failure" is in order. Have you enjoyed the time spent with your husband? The conversation? The discovery? The adventure? The journey? Has he? Sounds like a success to me.

 

 

shrevecouple said:

Until now......I met my match.

 

No, you met the limits of your comfort level. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

Jumbling several statements you've made about your husband:

shrevecouple said:

My husband assured me that he was ok and had fun and it didn't have to progress past MFM if i didn't want it to.... I told him i wasn't comfortable and he respected that...He has never pushed me to do anything... My husband assures me that this is not something that he "needed" but just something that he thought w could have fun with and if we don't then he don't.

 

Everything you've said in the quotes above picked from within your post points to how wonderful your husband is.

 

 

shrevecouple said:

I just didn't wanna seem unfair so i mentally tried to prepare myself for the introduction of women into this experiment

 

I've seen couples get hung up on this notion of 'fair' before. Essentially, if you aren't both allowed to do the same things in swinging, well that's just not fair!

 

Bzzt. Try again!

 

What is fair is what you both agree on. Consider a scenario; he really enjoys seeing you play with other men, and has no interest in playing with other women. He doesn't even ask you for that, and routinely tells you that's not what he wants to do. Is it "unfair" that he isn't playing with other women (against his will, no less)? Of course not.

 

Fair is what you both agree on. If you're both happy, content, at ease, etc. that is fair. If things are happening that break that, it's unfair...to both of you. You are a team; individuals, yes, but a team together. Evaluate success and failure, what is fair and isn't, based on how you...the team...is doing.

 

 

shrevecouple said:

but on the otherhand can't comprehend it when it comes to him and other women.

 

You're asking your emotions to listen to your logic and your emotions are flat out ignoring the logic.

 

Perfectly normal! Honest! Emotions and logic don't speak the same language.

 

 

shrevecouple said:

It's like I think he won't be able to help it because they are gonna leave that much of an impression on him and he'll be thinking about them afterwards.

 

Let me add something to your logic (which your emotions are not and can not listen to, which is ok!).

 

You're selling your husband short.

 

You're very emotionally comfortable with the concept that you can separate sex and love. Yet, you're emotionally certain your husband can't do the same. If you have no evidence from experience with him to suggest he's incapable of emotionally restraining himself from attachment to a partner, then a benefit of the doubt is in order.

 

As to anything another woman might be able to do that you can't; I would be surprised if that were the case. Personally, I want other men to do things for my wife that I've never done for her. If she enjoys them I want to learn how to do them myself. If I can't, and she's wanting to, then I'd like her to do it with him as much as she likes. I realize that's an emotional bridge, and not a logical one.

 

 

shrevecouple said:

especially aware if she was lacking clothing and then not really wanting anyone to see me naked because i am not super hot and sure they would find plenty wrong and not attractive about my body. I got naked i the hot tub a couple times but found it hard to relax because i am looking at all the women.

 

I see this a lot among women in general, much less in the lifestyle. Our society places unreal burdens upon women in regards to their physical appearance. It's pushed everywhere. It's a constant immersion in a society broadcasting the notion of perfect women, in perfect bodies, in perfect clothes, with perfect makeup, and perfect everything.

 

It's all a bunch of hooey. Yet, it is exceptionally difficult to rise above.

 

You are you. Nobody in the world is you. Nobody in the world CAN be you. Anybody who tries just doesn't measure up.

 

It isn't up to you to decide if you're attractive or not. It isn't up to you to decide if your body is more or less perfect than some other woman's body. What is up to you is to try to feel comfortable in your own skin, recognize that you are the perfect you and nobody else can be that, be confident, put your best foot forward and let everyone else's opinion of you alone. If someone finds you attractive, they'll let you know. If they don't, they're lack of interest saves you time.

 

Also, you're selling your husband short again. Is he the only man in the world stupid enough to find you attractive?

 

No matter how 'beautiful' you think you are, there will always be people attracted to you, and people not attracted to you. Guaranteed. There's nothing you can do to change that.

 

shrevecouple said:

I can't shake this feeling. To me it's depressing to know that it we aren't doing this because we couldn't. It's because I couldn't.

 

You're holding yourself to an impossible bar. You're placing the level of "success" beyond your comfort zone, and if you don't achieve "success" you're a "failure". You're a failure because you aren't willing to push yourself past your comfort zone? What the...?

 

 

shrevecouple said:

but now I wonder if he still smiles to himself because he feels lucky.

 

My wife and I have been swinging for about three years now. There isn't a day (and I mean it) that I don't think of how fortunate, lucky, and blessed to have her in my life, married to me, sharing this incredible journey together. When we're having MFMs you bet I count myself as lucky. How many men get to see their fantasies in such a way come to life? Not many, I'll tell you that. I'm sure your husband feels similarly. Also, I know that I feel mischievous on the inside when talking to vanilla people with my wife. "You have no idea just how amazing this wonderful lady is!" It's a fun little secret we carry around, and one I count myself as fortunate to have.

 

really short on time, so haven't read the rest of the thread. I will later, and post as comes.

[lizandtom 512]

LOL...I swear it just kills me how so little importance or no big deal "making out" seems to some. I really don't know why I posted here. I guess I keep thinking I'll find an answer somewhere. An Aha moment I guess. I have been really depressed over this and I just really wonder if people who have been able to completely compartmentalize sex and any act related to it can understand. There are some that poke fun at how intimate kissing is to some of us but it is just as important as penetration to me.

 

It may be true that some downplay the importance of kissing others, although I think you missed the point which was, a little experimentation in a club where you can easily flee to the dance floor with your husband if you become uneasy, which is a lot easier than trying to flee a soft or full swap situation.

 

It's a tad insulting to belittle opinions here which are meant to assist you, from people who may have gone through similar issues or have some experience. We are together 20+ years and have had over 60 happy encounters in the past 7 years.

[LFM2 1,482]

shrevecouple said:

LOL...I swear it just kills me how so little importance or no big deal "making out" seems to some. I really don't know why I posted here. I guess I keep thinking I'll find an answer somewhere. An Aha moment I guess. I have been really depressed over this and I just really wonder if people who have been able to completely compartmentalize sex and any act related to it can understand. There are some that poke fun at how intimate kissing is to some of us but it is just as important as penetration to me.

 

What were you wanting to hear? I'm curious.

 

Making out is fun. So is kissing. I'm not exactly sure what you really wanted to hear in our replies. Maybe some of us keep swinging more simple than others. Swinging is meant to be fun. Not an over-thought process that takes the fun out of it.

[Alura 2,774]

shrevecouple said:

LOL...I swear it just kills me how so little importance or no big deal "making out" seems to some. I really don't know why I posted here. I guess I keep thinking I'll find an answer somewhere. An Aha moment I guess. I have been really depressed over this and I just really wonder if people who have been able to completely compartmentalize sex and any act related to it can understand. There are some that poke fun at how intimate kissing is to some of us but it is just as important as penetration to me.

 

I apologize that we haven't gotten to the base of your question. I sometimes think that so many of us have been here so long and discussed swinging so many times that we lose sight of what new couples need for answers.

 

At the very beginning, when considering swinging, a couple must develop the ability to separate "making love" from "having sex for fun." I was never able to "fuck" Mrs. Alura; I always ended up making love to her. I think one of the attractions of swinging was to be able to experience fun and carefree sex again.

 

Keep talking to your husband and determine exactly what y'all wish to gain from swinging. After y'all have settled that for both of you the lifestyle will become possible.

 

Kissing is a very meaningful and intimate act when making love. It's just another way of making "fun sex" better.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

LOL...I swear it just kills me how so little importance or no big deal "making out" seems to some. I really don't know why I posted here. I guess I keep thinking I'll find an answer somewhere. An Aha moment I guess. I have been really depressed over this and I just really wonder if people who have been able to completely compartmentalize sex and any act related to it can understand. There are some that poke fun at how intimate kissing is to some of us but it is just as important as penetration to me.

 

I think you need to be kinder and more appreciative of people who have taken the time and thought to give you advice. No one has made fun of anything you've said. The example of taking baby steps and making out makes sense. Usually one of the first steps in playing is kissing. You still have your clothes on and you can easily walk away from a kiss. But, you can get a good feeling about the chemistry you have with another person by kissing them.

 

I have to say I don't completely compartmentalize sex or kissing or whatever. I do feel like I have a connection with anyone I play with. Not love like I have for my husband, but some type of meaningful connection. This can happen even with someone you've just met. I think it's ok to share a little intimacy. I love kissing and think it is intimate and it is super important to me, but I also feel like there's no reason not to enjoy a variety of kissers. Kissing someone else takes nothing from my husband or our relationship. Kisses are free and I always have more to give.

 

I feel like we've been successful in swinging thus far because we are secure in our marriage and confident in ourselves. If my husband finds a girl who rocks his world I'm happy for him, and I know I'm still the most important to him.

 

If you're really depressed or constantly ruminating on this you probably need to seek a sex positive counselor to talk with.

[shrevecouple 252]

It's a tad insulting to belittle opinions here which are meant to assist you, from people who may have gone through similar issues or have some experience. We are together 20+ years and have had over 60 happy encounters in the past 7 years.

 

I do appreciate your try at advice. I was stating my feelings on that. I don't take kissing lightly. But i guess you got offended and felt the need to wave your "accomplishments" at me. This is some of what has me here. The notion that ye who swing care more and have a better relationship than ye who do not swing. I am not old enough to have been married 20+ years yet but have been married 9 and together over 10, which many people at the age of 31 can't say.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Seven months ago, not long after your arrival, you made this statement:

 

shrevecouple said:

My husband thinks that I am so picky because I am just not into it. That if I was "into it" that I would be open to more people. I just think this......we go to a party to have fun, whether or not we find somebody to "hook up" with is irreverent. I am having sex regardless. LOL...I have my husband that I am more than happy to leave with. If we find somebody...fine...If we don't fine. I am just thankful to get out and be an "adult". We are parents of 2 great boys and we spend most of our time with them without many opportunities to go out without them. So I don't wanna put any kind of pressure on myself to "have" to find anybody? I am just enjoying the environment.

 

You have learned that you aren't enjoying the swinging environment. The one MFM was only okay, from what I gather when you mention it, and your 5 or so visits to swinger clubs have resulted in you being more unhappy with yourself. With all the pumping up people have given you in your threads you continue unchanged. You have not been affected in any positive way.

 

I think it's time for you to drop the idea of becoming a swinger. You're making way too much out of this. You don't have to be a swinger.

 

shrevecouple said:

So after a couple years talking about swinging we have stepped back and that has left me feeling like I have failed. I have always took pride in knowing that I wasn't the dull prudish wife. My husband could listen to his friends talk about how their wife woudln't even try this position or that or heck some of them aren't allowed to give or receive oral because it is "gross" and he could smile to himself becuase his wife was just the opposite. She loves sex and always willing to try anything at least once to keep her and her husband sexually happy.

 

As a vanilla wife you felt superior to your husband's friend's wives. Swinging won't provide you with this same feeling. I will say this to any woman who comes here. There will always be women swingers who are hotter, sexier, prettier and do more sexually and better than you can. I knew this when we started swinging, and it is because swinging wives understand this that we can handle swinging and have fun doing it. I can't convince you to understand this, no one can.

 

Find another way to have private adult time with your husband, away from your boys, that is fun and makes you feel good about yourself.

[Dont.Stop 339]

shrevecouple said:

I do appreciate your try at advice. I was stating my feelings on that. I don't take kissing lightly. But I guess you got offended and felt the need to wave your "accomplishments" at me. This is some of what has me here. The notion that ye who swing care more and have a better relationship than ye who do not swing. I am not old enough to have been married 20+ years yet but have been married 9 and together over 10, which many people at the age of 31 can't say.

 

There are a lot of people here trying to help. If you make us out as a "holier than thou" crowd then a lot of people will tune you out. Which would be a shame because there are a lot of people here happy to give the benefit of their experience to you, but only if you'll accept it.

 

Best of luck to ye.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

LikeMinds321 really gets it down to brass tacks.

 

My takeaways: Swinging isn't for most couples, and that's OK. If you approach swinging as a sort of competition, inevitably, you're going to lose, or at least feel like you did.

 

I agree with LM. Drop the idea, at least for now. There's no shame or failure in that. You gave it a whirl, and didn't find it to be to your liking. Maybe you can revisit it a few years down the road and see how it feels then.

[lizandtom 512]

shrevecouple said:

I do appreciate your try at advice. I was stating my feelings on that. I don't take kissing lightly. But i guess you got offended and felt the need to wave your "accomplishments" at me. This is some of what has me here. The notion that ye who swing care more and have a better relationship than ye who do not swing. I am not old enough to have been married 20+ years yet but have been married 9 and together over 10, which many people at the age of 31 can't say.

 

When we ask someone for advice, we listen expecting that there are things beyond our scope of experience and knowledge that can help make a decision. We don't always take the advice been given but always appreciate a differing point of view, and thank them nonetheless.

 

Since you know it all now by way of what not to try per everyone's advice, then glad you have it all figured out. I'm thinking a therapist is a good idea, but surely that isn't appropriate either. Time to tune into a different station.

[shrevecouple 252]

Thank You