Depression, Libido, Swinging

[happilyplayful 15]

Hello everyone. I am interested in everyone's views and impressions on the following situation.

 

Mrs. and I have been married for over 20 years. We have been semi-active swingers for the last seven years--playing between 5 and 10 times a year as our family obligations have allowed. In the last year, Mrs. has been suffering with severe, clinical depression. The depression, and the drugs that are being used to treat the depression, have really done a number on her sexual interest.

 

Meanwhile, for me, sex is a great stress reducer. And, her illness has really put me under a lot of stress. So, I have been extra, extra horny in the last several months. The difference in sexual desire is adding to an already very complicated situation.

 

As an accommodation, Mrs. has repeatedly suggested that I go out and play with some of our friends without her. She is willing to tell anyone that she is completely ok with and has actually encouraged my playing separately.

 

Setting aside whether I want to play without her (a lot of the fun for me came from us playing together), I am very uneasy about being "one of those guys" who is playing without their mate.

 

I am curious what others think about this situation. Has anyone else been confronted by similar circumstances? Does anyone know anyone who has? What is your reaction generally to playing with someone under these circumstances?

[MN Tom 251]

Well for us we would have to be pretty confidant in that she is ok with it.

 

And from the viewpoint of yourself, in your shoes I would have to feel pretty good that whatever I did was helpful to her in some regard. Either through seeing you happier or the stress reduction, or some thought in her mind that if you are being satisfied that is less stress on her or maybe she can live through your happiness.

[Dont.Stop 339]

If I couldn't perform, I'd be okay with Mrs going alone. The last thing I will be is a party pooper. Mrs has granted me hall passes as well.

 

As above, you have to be sure she's really okay with it. And then you have to check after the first time out to be sure.

[Tina and Bob 236]

If you feel she is being totally sincere about you playing without her, then I would do it for the benefit of both of you. Obviously it's important more than ever now that she know you truly love her and are super sensitive to her emotions. What she is doing is a gesture of total unselfishness on her part and an expression of total unconditional love for you and your emotional and sexual needs. Try it and if it does not feel right or you notice a change in her emotionally then you need to stop. Good luck and hope all works out for her healthwise.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Coming from someone who's been in your wife's shoes off and on, I understand where she's coming from. I've given my hubby the same option at different times due to various health (physical or mental) that have kept me from having my normal sex drive and/or interest in playing (with him or with others). I want him to be happy and have his needs fulfilled and at those times sex (let alone swinging) isn't something that "need". I do, however, NEED him to be happy. If I'm not feeling well and he's down because he's not having his needs met, it only makes me feel worse. So, I totally understand where your wife may be coming from, and I hope that my sharing that maybe helps you see it a little more clearly too.

 

As for how we'd feel if we were another couple, if we know you and we know your wife is cool with it (especially, if she's made that clear to us) then I see no issue with it whatsoever. I've done that myself, and usually the only hold-out IS my hubby, because like you much of the fun of swinging for him comes from it being something we do as a couple.

 

As a wife, knowing this, what I try to do is give back to hubby in ways that I can. I may not be interested in mutual sex but that doesn't mean a hand job (or a blow job) isn't a possibility. In those cases, I can give the gusto because I know it's making him happy and because in the long-run it does make our relationship better. Even when we are ill we have to remember that those who love us sometimes hurt because of our pain and give a little as well. It's easy when you are in pain to become self-absorbed.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

We are in a somewhat similar situation right now. Bunny had a heart attack in Dec. and with the changes in life as well as our finances depression comes with the territory. Oh yeah, cant forget the anti-depressant med that lowers libido. So I feel your pain.

 

Unlike you though I have not gotten a hall pass, but I understand your issues with getting one. I would have a hard playing alone. I just wouldnt feel right playing without her there. I might be OK with it if she actively picked my partner for me.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

If she's on AD drugs such as Cymbalta or Prozac, taking 240mg of Ginko Biloba a day is supposed to really help.

 

Here is a medical abstract from the University of California about the study they conducted:

 

Ginkgo biloba for antidepressant-induced sexual dy... [J Sex Marital Ther. 1998 Apr-Jun] - PubMed result

 

Always check with your primary care physician first, of course.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

She should also talk to her doctor about the side effect on her libido. they may be able to switch her to something that will control the depression without the side effects. Some antidepressants are much better about that. I took Wellbutrin a long time ago and when I first started taking it, it was like being a teenager again!

[Powerglide 235]

I've battled depression all my life, and I can attest that SSRI's (Prozac, Paxil, etc.) can absolutely amputate a person's libido. My doctors moved me to Wellbutrin, that doesn't have that effect. So the first thing I'd do is make sure your wife has talked to her doctor about the loss of libido and explored ways to overcome that.

[wifes_toy 53]

Interesting situation related to that here. Wife is on a very low dose of Paxil and it has increased her libido.

 

There is one down side, this started before the Paxil, she can't feel her orgasms. She can feel it up to the verge of where she would normally "feel the fire works." We have had some great sex (both alone and MFM) where she really felt very good and came all over the sheets, just did not feel the full orgasm. It is a bit frustrating for her tho over all it is better than the alternative.

[celtic239 297]

One of the hallmarks of depression is the feeling of worthlessness. I can think of no other activity that is as helpful as swinging to a woman because it gives a great ego boost to know that she is the object of so many other people's desires.

[happilyplayful 15]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Candidly, I feel as though I am venturing into uncharted and uncertain waters...

 

I guess my problem is that I really want her to be bothered by her lack of sexual interest and by the thought that I might be relying upon others to satisfy my sexual needs. However, my sense is that the depression simply does not allow her to think that way or to feel that way or to want to be sexual that way with me or anyone.

 

Intellectually, she sees the distress that the lack of sexual interest and activity is causing me. So, she is urging me to find other outlets.

 

My problem, candidly, is that my concept of a relationship requires some level of physical interaction with my partner. I am finding it hard to let go of that concept no matter how much I love her and want to remove the pressure of sexual intimacy from the current situation (one less thing for her to have to deal with).

 

So, even if I have playtimes with others, I don't think that is going to resolve my frustrations completely. Sure, it will take a considerable edge off--but it will not be a complete, long-term solution. And, I am afraid that she will want to feel as though allowing me a continuing hall pass is a complete solution.

 

I am trying to look at this as only a temporizing move while she works her way out of the current depressive cycle or she and her doctor can find a combination of medications that address her depression without killing her libido. Meanwhile, I simply am uncomfortable approaching any of our existing playfriends as a single--even though I think a couple of them would be receptive. For whatever reason, I feel a whole lot more performance pressure as the odd man in.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening (reading)...

[happilyplayful 15]

As a wife, knowing this, what I try to do is give back to hubby in ways that I can. I may not be interested in mutual sex but that doesn't mean a hand job (or a blow job) isn't a possibility. In those cases, I can give the gusto because I know it's making him happy and because in the long-run it does make our relationship better. Even when we are ill we have to remember that those who love us sometimes hurt because of our pain and give a little as well. It's easy when you are in pain to become self-absorbed.

 

Julie...thank you for the very deep, personal insights. Unfortunately, the Mrs. is currently too consumed by her depression to be able to deliver any sexual play with "gusto." In part, it is not her nature, even when she is 100% well, to deliver hjs or bjs with enthusiasm when intercourse was not on the menu. She has always been an intercourse-centric lover. She sees no value in what she considers to be foreplay without an expectation of intercourse.

 

It is good that you can see the need to tend to your hubby even when you are not feeling particularly sexual.

 

Again...thanks for sharing.

[Powerglide 235]

Some cases of depression can be difficult to treat. Keep working on the medical issue; that's got to be your top priority right now. And get more than one opinion. If your wife is not responding to her current medication, often a different one, or combination, will work. Some who do not respond to medication do respond to ect or other treatments.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

However, my sense is that the depression simply does not allow her to think that way or to feel that way or to want to be sexual that way with me or anyone.

 

 

You are correct on this note. It doesn't. Depression is in many ways the most self consuming thing a person can face. Depending on how deep it is, the person really can't see beyond their own nose. They do good to get out of the bed in the morning, to take a shower. What's the point? If she can't even find the reason to do the things that are good for her, then why should she be concerned with those things that are for others?

 

The fact that she has offered you a hall pass shows that there is still some level of concern on her part to how her issues are affecting you. The hard part is that the more she sees is the more depressed she becomes. When you are severely depressed you feel like you are letting EVERYONE around you down.

 

Most likely she is very concerned with the lack of sex in your relationship, it's not that she doesn't care. It's that she cares so much it has immobilized her. There are so many stupid little things (I say this from experience, not because her things are stupid little things) that she feels she is failing on (things that in reality don't matter) that she can't even get to the big things. Climbing out of depression is like climbing a huge sand hill, and every time you manage to make your way a foot up the hill, you slide back down 8 inches. Eventually, you get to the point where you wonder why it's worth even bothering to try at all, so you just stop. You hide from it all, and that only makes things worse.

 

The best thing you can do is be there for her when she will let you. When she's available enough (mentally and physically) to spend time with you, take advantage of that time. Even it means going to the grocery store with her. When she's not available, whatever you do don't sit around sulking, it will only make her feel worse. If you have a hobby, go do it, get out of the house and let her be. There are times where she may need you to just be in the same room with her, or to just hold her, when she feels like the world is falling apart around her. She knows you care about her and love her. You are one of the few things that is holding her here and making her make the effort to find her way out of the depression.

[Powerglide 235]

What Julie said.

[swing52001 15]

My wife is in the same boat. Her inability to engage in sex has been a problem for some time. She has offered a hall pass for which I was extremely appreciative but has since rescinded it and lays the guilt trip infidelity on my every time I mention it. Not sure what I'm going to do and so can't offer much except to encourage you keep working on it. The fact that you are both working on it will make the difference between satisfaction or unhappy situation.