need help regarding body types and self esteem.

[conflicted 15]

my fiance and I are fairly new to the lifestyle but have had some fun experiences already but now we are in a pickle. we need others input on this.

 

I am pretty self concience about my body type. I am 5'4 and 150 lbs and have had two children. with that comes stretchmarks and a more plump build. I am the kind of girl who does not feel comfortable in a bakini and I have issues with my mid-section that I am not happy with.

 

We are looking to meet new people and I have make it clear that I am uncomfotable being with women who are much thinner than me. I would prefer to stick with women who are closer to my size and shape, as I have self esteem issues. I am not comfortable being with a size 6 120 lb woman as it makes me feel rather unattractive standing next to her.

 

unfortunatly there aren't very many people in the lifestyle near where we live making it hard to find others to play with period.

 

He says I am beautiful and look fine and does not see the problem with us being with smaller women.

 

I am not comfortable with that......at all.

 

am I being unreasonable by asking that we stay closer to my size range?

 

 

 

please give us you insight on this.

 

thanks

a. and e.

[MN Tom 251]

Whatever you are comfortable with is reasonable.

 

Maybe someday your comfort will change and this issue will go away, maybe not.

 

Keep in mind that at 5'4" and 150 you are in decent shape. Most men with children are familiar with stretch marks, it's not a turn off. And I have to say a lot of guys like a gal who isnt a stick figure. Lots of guys like stick figures too, and then lots of guys like the BBW types.

 

 

One thing you may find a bit tough is actually knowing someone's size before you meet them. Profiles/pictures can be deceiving, anyone who has been in a while will have stories about meeting people who were nowhere near the size they had listed in the profile, probably 99% of the time when someone isnt the size they list on profile they are heavier.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

From a man's point of view... I rate women by how excited they are to be with me! Body type is of little importance. If I find them attractive, fun, and sexy. Away we go.

 

I imagine a woman's point of view might be more sympathetic though. And I can understand you feeling more comfortable not being next to someone way thinner. (5'4" and 150 isn't that big a deal) But it's the #1 thing I hear. Even many of the model looking types have some sort of self esteem issue. I've heard a 26 year old that looks amazing say she needs a breast lift.

 

I'd say worry more about playing the play partner and less about how you look doing it.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

From a man's point of view... I rate women by how excited they are to be with me! Body type is of little importance. If I find them attractive, fun, and sexy. Away we go.

 

I'll second that, body type is of little importance. If forced to state my physical preferences, I would answer that I prefer brunette women with some meat on them rather than the stick thin figure. But, if a tall willowy blond is smiling at me with a sparkle in her eyes, then I'm there, no questions asked.

 

I think both of you have a reasonable position. You have concerns, as many women do, and he doesn't really share or even understand those concerns, as men usually don't, since you are beautiful and sexy in his eyes and he knows the same holds true for other guys. A guy trying to convince a woman of that is really hard though, even though it's true

 

One of the hardest things about swinging is finding four people that are all compatible. It just won't work any other way though, so if you don't feel comfortable with a couple, for whatever reason, then it's best to try not to force it. You will feel uneasy the whole time, and that will manifest itself in what kind of experience not only you have, but the others too.

[Youngcalcpl 125]

I think MN Tom said it best that "Whatever you are comfortable with is reasonable". There are no set rules here. You decide what works for you and find a way to make it fit into the lifestyle. You're opinion may change over time as you start exploring more but you make your own rules so there is no point second guessing yourself. That being said I am sure we get fewer emails from people due to the fact that we aren't perfect but that's just life and we do our best not to be bothered by that.

 

As a male I'm not really all that picky and in truth I kind of prefer a woman that isn't bone thin. It's the hot moms that I look for when we peruse SLS. Stretch marks and scars are just part of life and I think most people will understand and see past them.

 

From my experience everyone has issues with how they look. Women that you think might be too thin probably see themselves as needing work or having flaws that will keep them from being wanted.

 

And your husband probably means it when he says it doesn't matter to him if someone is smaller and that you truely are beautiful. I say the same thing to Mrs. YCC and she doesn't believe me either even if it is true.

[Learning 160]

I will be completely honest that our swinging has been complicated at times due to my own body issue. I'm way too hard on myself...like I will totally beat myself down prior to meeting others as a defense mechanism. I need to relax a bit, people like me for me, I just need to like myself a tad better. I'm fine with my body vanilla wise, but the lifestyle pressures that only exist in my head is such a mind f. So, I can say people will like you for you. A smile goes a long way and so does confidence. I feel for you and know tge struggles. If you don't want to be with a skinny gal, that is fine. Though to tell you tge truth, I would love to see Mr. Learning with a skinny gal. He's always been with more curvy women so it would be lovely for him to get that opportunity and it would totally turn me on to see that

[MsGoneWild 182]

I was in a similar boat as you are when we started doing this. We became friends with a truly HOT couple and the issue kind of went out the window.. She was super petite and tiny, her boobs were way perkier than mine could ever dream of being (some girls just have those kinds of boobs ;p ). What has helped me was learning what MY partner liked about me. Not even compared to other girls, but just what made me special to him.

 

The other thing that will help me is getting myself more in shape and being healthier.

 

Those are the two things that have helped me

[wifes_toy 53]

From a guys point of view I think too many women are WAY to self conscious. A good looking woman who can't relax because she thinks she is "too fat" is a HUGE turn off. I like a woman who is confident any where from 100 to 300 lb. To me 150 to 200 lb and a nice personality is seriously fuckable.

[Playful1 434]

i can only say that if going outside your comfort zone on that would be such a bad experience for you, then dont. Hopefully you'll soon find that comfort zone getting bigger and bigger.

 

Also, if it makes you feel any better, I'm 5'4" and 108lbs and have massive self esteem issues as well about my looks. Every woman i know does. I've played with women smaller than me and women much larger than you...it all came down to personality.

 

And, as people have said, photos and stats are often a bit off. I have definitely met plenty of folks who said they were one size and then showed up and were not even close.

[twistedpretzels 100]

oh my goodness.... i am floored that you have body esteem issues... as i do too. however i weigh over 200 lbs and i guess our self esteem issues have nothing to do with a 'number'. however, i am 56 and i am beginning to see certain numbers as ridiculous... but mostly just my age. lol. i do feel like a liability to my partner though at times... although i am pretty enough i feel like we have been turned down because i am not hwp. but all in all i am more interested at this point that he has fun and variety because he meets and surpasses most (all?) sexual needs and desires and if he desires a new flavor of 'ice cream' then what the heck. best wishes in your quests.... i am sure you are adorable:kissface:

[tattooed2some07 15]

I don't think theres anything wrong with what your saying. I feel the same way at the moment...we're new to things, and I'm about 5'6 and 146 or so. I have a little bit of a pooch I'm trying to get rid of, lol. The thought of playing with couples where the woman has this fantastic body just doesn't jive with me. I'm sure as time goes by and I get more comfortable with things, my outlook on it will probably change.

[MN Tom 251]

..

And, as people have said, photos and stats are often a bit off. I have definitely met plenty of folks who said they were one size and then showed up and were not even close.

 

 

This is another point that goes along quite well with self esteem issues in my book. To myself (and many others Ive spoken with) I am much more attracted to someone who acknowledges their body and shows the true body in pictures than with someone who hides it and shows up being vastly different than their profile.

[Chicup 42]

I don't blow sunshine up anyone's neither regions here.

 

How you look does affect how you swing, how often you can swing and who you swing with. There will always be people who find you unattractive by their own criteria.

 

What is often surprising though is what that criteria is. What you see as unattractive, others may find very attractive.

 

What I think you need to deal with though, is your fear that your husband will find these other women more attractive than you are. Its a natural reaction. We men get it too, though we are less likely to admit it, if the guy is much better looking, in better shape, has a bigger dick, makes more money etc.

 

Once you feel secure in your relationship, your insecurities with your body as compared to other women will be less.

[desertplay91 15]

I have the same problem. When we go out, my fiance picks the women he knows I'll be attracted to (he knows me well!) but I'm always so self conscious. Last night we met a couple- she was GORGEOUS- petite, perfect flat stomach, perky boobs, you name it. I di well at dressing to hide the areas I hate most, but when the clothes come off you can't really hide. I'll be honest, I was able to enjoy it more when her husband webs down on me, and I LOVE being with other women, because I didn't have that nagging sense of comparison.

 

I don't really know what to tell you other than dress in a way that YOU feel sexy and beautiful, and let that feeling take over for you. It's amazing how beautiful you can feel with the right dress!

 

And I'm trying hard to let go of my own body issues because there's lots of fun to be had and I don't want to miss out!

[desertplay91 15]

And please excuse typos- I'm on my phone in the tub.

[JoshMFD 15]

Gonna throw in my 2c. I have never swung, so my perspective is as a normal horny guy

 

Only do what you are comfortable with IMO. I will tell you, 120 or 220, a confident woman is sexy. I personally prefer some curves and you sound beautiful by description. But why put yourself in a situation where you don't enjoy it 100%? I don't think you are unreasonable. I also would suspect the more you do this, the more confident you become because you will realize guys are very into you despite your own view of yourself. Hope that makes sense. Sitting at the fire station today and tired!

 

Josh