Need help on response to wife

[Socal1970 15]

So, the background - Wife and I have been to a few clubs and simply had fun with each other. We discussed this would be our limits and that was all cool. We both enjoyed the fun. We only do this about 1-2 times a year. My wife is a horrible communicator, we figured out her emailing me is best and we go from there. If we discuss something in person, she simply builds a wall and the discussion ends. As in, I tell her how I feel, and she either comes back with I am wrong, dumb, or stupid for thinking that. Basically it is imposisble to communicate with someone who has no skills at listening/discussing.

 

She mentioned a trip to a local resort would be fun. I make some arrangements. The next day she turns silent. Sends me an email saying that If she thinks I want more, and she isnt comfortable with it. That she feels like I want more than she does, and she is uncomfortable. Something about how she needs to find out if other couples do this or if I am some nut case. Ending in I need to be honest so we can either split or get past this. She tells me she did enjoy the first few times we did this, but the last few she feels pressure to do more and didnt enjoy our times there at all.

 

Now, I am fine with simply playing with each other. We discussed our boundaries, never had an issue with it. We do enjoy talking about swinging while having sex, but both know its just that. I have not pushed her and anything otherwise. I wouldnt mind trying more, but am fine with what we have already.

 

Whats my response? I am at a loss on this one. I am fine with doing what we did, but now feel like she is only going for my benefit and thats not good at all. I canceled all resevervations, but have not told her yet. Any advice from veterns on this one?

 

PS- I have been to counseling a few times over our communication breakdown. Even the counseler said good luck to me. She is a tough one.

[Tina and Bob 236]

No real advice here other than you should definitely stop swinging. You two need to figure out your own relationship and where it is headed. Doesn't sound very encouraging to me. Good luck.

[Alura 2,774]

"Wrong," "Dumb," or "Stupid" are not terms that help communication between people who love each other. To refuse to communicate is not communication at all.

 

I wish I had some useful advice but it seems to me that, with the problems you've outlined, there may not be much hope. Here, for the umpteenth time that I've written this on the Swingers Board, is all I can offer:

 

My late wife and I agreed early in our relationship (at her suggestion) that we would never become angry at any question that was asked and would always answer it as completely as possible. "I don't want to talk about it!" was never acceptable. This worked for us for almost thirty years.

 

First, I'd suggest saying to her, "Sweetheart, if we don't learn to communicate better, we may not be able to save our marriage."

 

Then, I'd suggest introducing her to the Swingers Board. There's probably not a better site on the internet for a couple to learn marital communication from people who are very good at it. The folks here are compassionate, practical, and more than willing to help.

 

Thanks for joining us!

Alura

[slevin 1,374]

You've been to counselling; has she? She may not be a good listener or communicator now, but that is a skill that can be learned. People need to want to learn it though. It's something that needs to be worked at, practiced and you need a desire to improve it.

 

Alura covered everything else better than I could

[ViSexual 1,008]

I think you did right by cancelling the reservations. If she asks why, tell her you could sense she wasn't interested. And, in the future, if she wants to go someplace like that then let her handle all arrangements.

 

Trying to communicate with someone who doesn't, is futile. Trust me, I know from experience!

 

But it doesn't mean that you can't maintain a marriage with them if you love them despite their lack of communication skills. But then, that's your call. Good luck to you.

[SAMnTINA 362]

Run don't walk to the nearest exist. Swinging will not fix anything there are plenty of nice romantic places to take here where it will just be the two of you. Until you can communicate with each other communicating with others should be out of the question and it's best not to put your self's in situations where a failure in communication can lead to bigger problems then you already have.

[Socal1970 15]

Thansk for the replies.

 

So, In my email which I stated I was fine with just the wathcing/being watched deal, and I love her more that the play and we can stop with it all, and SHE can make any future arrangements if SHE decides she wants to do it again.

 

She reads the email, and about an hour later, says she is fine now with going and I shouldnt have canceled the reservations. I say, if you want to go, YOU can make the reservations that way I dont have this feeling of guilt or something on me. She says that I know the places and have all the contacts. We kind of leave it at that.

 

SO, do I recall and make the arrangements? Part of me wants to, but the head on my shoulders says to bail and not touch this one again.

 

Advise? Should I let it all go, or re-make reservations? Can she really be over the whole episode that quickly?

 

PS - Just want to add, I am not some husband trying to pressue the wife to do anything she doesnt want to do at all. I do like the watching/being watched thing, and OK if it ever goes further.

[slevin 1,374]

Thansk for the replies.

 

So, In my email which I stated I was fine with just the wathcing/being watched deal, and I love her more that the play and we can stop with it all, and SHE can make any future arrangements if SHE decides she wants to do it again.

 

She reads the email, and about an hour later, says she is fine now with going and I shouldnt have canceled the reservations. I say, if you want to go, YOU can make the reservations that way I dont have this feeling of guilt or something on me. She says that I know the places and have all the contacts. We kind of leave it at that.

 

SO, do I recall and make the arrangements? Part of me wants to, but the head on my shoulders says to bail and not touch this one again.

 

Advise? Should I let it all go, or re-make reservations? Can she really be over the whole episode that quickly?

 

PS - Just want to add, I am not some husband trying to pressue the wife to do anything she doesnt want to do at all. I do like the watching/being watched thing, and OK if it ever goes further.

 

Her wanting you to make the reservations is not a major shock. Taking into account that she has trouble communicating, especially when it comes to your sex life. If she makes the reservations then she needs to accept, mentally, that she wanted this to happen. She has to acknowledge that consciously. This means that she needs to confront the fact that "nice girls" don't do this sort of thing. This has a lot of connotations since she'll need to re-evaluate "who she is"; does this make her a slut? How can she be a "good wife" if she's doing this? Does this make her a bad mother? It is pretty common for many women to identify as only one role. She is either a wife, or a mother, or a businesswoman, or a sexual being etc.. Many women find it hard to inhabit multiple roles in their mind. So having to confront this not only makes her re-evaluate who she is, it could mean that she feels like she is giving up on another 'role'. It doesn't need to be that way, but that's a logical answer that doesn't always work with emotional topics.

 

If you are handling everything then she doesn't need to re-evaluate those things. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. It would be great if she could confront those thoughts and break out of their confines, but it doesn't mean letting it go is necessarily negative. What it does require is your comfort with making plans, making decisions and leading your relationship through this. That is quite a bit of responsibility to take on.

 

The lack of ability to communicate is the bigger concern than her not wanting to take ownership of making this happen. I'd back off on this due to the communication challenges and not due to her wanting me to make arrangements.

 

I still think she needs to seek out some counselling. If she is unwilling to do that, then you're going to need to make a decision. Either you're ok with moving forward in your life with the communication being the level it is today, or you're not. If she doesn't want to learn better communication skills/tactics, then your level of communication is as good as it's going to get.

[a_d_xxx 663]

Ultimately this is your choice to make. But the fact that you are already second guessing yourself is not a good sign.

 

As others have already chimed in, my sense is that you really need to work on the fundamentals of your relationship first. FWIW, communication with mutual respect are very high on my list of fundamentals. If sarcasm, disdain, or personal attacks make their way into your communication, then very loud warning bells would ring for me.

 

D

[Socal1970 15]

Again, thanks for the comments.

 

I, through my profession, have developed a pretty good communication ability. I listen, then restate thier point, sympathize, then offer my opinion or commnets, paying special attention to not attacking the person, but the problem, and always use words like, "I feel" or I think", never "You do this or that" type comments.

 

She though, simply has no ability, learned or what ever to communicate. It is me saying how I feel, and then her counter attack imediatly. Kinda puts a wall up. We have found that email is the best way. Although it is a jumbled bunch of comments from her, I can at least respond in a clear and calmer manor.

 

Anyway, I may just let this one sit a while. I ahve alwasy been the one making plans, hotel reservationed, plans, dinners. She did once and we wound up staying in a ghetto motel, pretty sure it waas a meth hotel. We laughed and agreed to let me do the planning. I think this may be her reasoning.

[GomezAddams 45]

I had exactly the same problem. I can go through my steps if you want to send me a private message.

 

We only have a communication breakdown on sexual issues.

[Powerglide 235]

I would suggest a marriage counselor to help you communicate better. This problem is a bit beyond our level of expertise. It's not really a swinging issue but rather a marital one. Concentrate on sorting that out first.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Agree with Powerglide. This is not a swinging issue, and you would be very ill advised to do anything that might make it a swinging issue. I would NOT undertake any swing related anything...anything...until this communication issue is solved, and well into the past.

 

Focus on your relationship. Period.

[smoothshavers 25]

Socal1970

Seems like some good advice from the previous posts. We are all on different levels of learning. I would assume that you have children at home that she is mentally preoccupied with, that is her maternal "instinct". With just that in mind, it may be more difficult for her to stray from those sexual beliefs/ideals that were implanted in her when she was younger. BUT, you did marry her for who she was, so don't give up on her just yet. Find the way to communicate with her, there is a way! Maybe just keep it as a fantasy for now. We all release our inhibitions at our own stages.

 

Good Luck

[mde 4764 15]

I think before you entertain swinging you need to fix your communication problems. Your relationship sounds very disfunctional to me. Good luck.

[Maxhnb 15]

Try this. I think it would help.

 

Talk to her, ask her how she feels about you two. Not the swinging. Tell her how you feel, not how you think. Let her know you are in pain, worrying about her. That what she thinks means a lot to you. As you open up, it will open the door for her, then Just listen. Let her tell you about herself...as much s she can...prod her with questions that will make her comfortable with out judgement from you. Communication is about listening and trust. If she shuts down , it is likely she is afraid you will use what she says against her later. That is ussually the case....it is why we shut down.

 

At this point your own intimacy is more important than the sex...if there is more than that it will grow out of the intimacy that develops from you listening.... That will be your victory.