Should we swing?

[socalers 29]

hi there,

 

i've been lurking on the boards for a bit and this is my first post. i really like this forum community for it's maturity, courteousness, and well thought responses.

 

i'm the male half of a married couple. we are both in our early 40s and we've been happily married for 13 years and together for 23 years and love each other very much. the two of us have very little experience fucking and sucking other people since we were so young when we started dating. all we know is each other sexually. we have yet to try swinging of any sort although we are both open to trying.

 

we are very open with our communication and have been discussing swinging on and off for the last 5 years or so but with more interest lately.

 

the delay has been due to me and my hang ups. for years now i've harbored secret fantasies of watching my wife get fucked by one or two men or another couple. i've been afraid to admit this because of fear of being labeled as an in-the-closet gay or a sexual deviant; although i have nothing against gay people in the least.

 

after years of soul searching, i finally revealed my fantasies tot he wife. she was totally open minded and helped me to realize that i am not gay, bi, or bi curious but just get wildly turned on even just thinking of watching my wife be pleasured by others.

 

i used to get turned on when i would think of her solely with other women. i think the reason why i now get turned on thinking of her with other men is that she is, plain and simply, a lover of cock and i want her to be pleasured by what she loves. although she is not averse to light play with other women, her fantasies revolve strictly around the cock.

 

as an example, i was teasing her one night and told her that i was going to bring home another dude and blindfold her while we had fun with her. she loved this idea and gave me the go ahead haha!

 

one potential problem is that she is not so sure that she would be turned on watching me fuck another woman, but she is definitely turned on by the thought of being fucked by other men.

 

when we have sex, it is usually great. we are both still very much sexually attracted to one another. but we have struggled with boredom over the years due to being with the same person for so long. our first spate of boredom we solved by watching porn and our second we solved with toys. subsequent periods of boredom were met with mild role playing, talking dirty, one session of anal sex, mutual masturbation, etc.

 

it seems we have run out of ideas for sexual gratification and are now seriously considering the lifestyle. based on the little that i revealed about us, do you think we could potentially get alot out of the lifestyle?

 

if so, should we start with online hookups or going to our local swingers club? if we decide to go ahead, we are going to start slow by having sex with others in the same room. if that goes well we may move onto soft swap and then follow with full swap.

 

thanks for reading my ramblings!

[VegasLee 1,486]

Sounds like you two have the first part down, talking to each other and making sure you are both on the same page.

 

We personally feel the Internet is for fantasy and shopping but when it comes time to buy, we only go to clubs.

 

Easy to get the feel for things there, you know you are dealing with real people and you can say no at any time and people understand it.

 

To many fakes on the Internet and most are not into the Lifestyle.

 

Good luck to you but sounds like you are starting down the right road.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

First, you and your ramblings are VERY welcome here! Glad you're here!

 

At first pass, you sound very much like your average swinger. While there's no set type, many swingers tend to be in the 35-55 age range when they first set out. This has to do with growing maturity in understanding one's emotions and relationship with your spouse, and having a longer marriage that has become very stable, open, caring and strong.

 

(as you note, nothing wrong with being gay or bi!) There is absolutely NOTHING gay or bi in the notion of watching your wife have sex with other men. It is highly erotic, and a very enjoyable experience for a husband to watch this happening. I speak from experience on that, as I've seen it many times with my wife. It is perfectly reasonable to get turned on by this idea. Plenty of men do. A survey here on this forum noted that an MFM fantasy is twice more common than the supposed "every guy's dream" FMF fantasy. Watching and participating in an MFM where your wife is the center of attention, and enjoying herself immensely is a fantastic experience.

 

It's not necessarily a 'problem' if your wife is not keen on the idea of watching you having sex with other women. A number of people here have and will say that ability to play should be equal. There opinion is fine, and works for them. I have a different definition of 'fair'. To me, fair is what you and your spouse both agree on and are happy with. So, if the idea of you having sex with someone else period is unacceptable to her, but you are happy with that, there isn't a problem. At least, not in my book.

 

Alternatively, if she's ok with the idea of you having sex with other women, just not watching, there's ways to work around that. Frequently in a couples scenario, her attention would probably be pretty focused on the other husband, and not you having sex with his wife. This has been true with my wife. Other options include separate room play (at some point in the future), and solo play dates for you (way down the road, if ever).

 

Lots of couples run into sex boredom issues. It can be hard to stay jazzed for decades. The ideas you have used are great. You can also consider some other ideas;

• Have her go to a very nice night club, dressed in a provocative way. You come in a few minutes later, and take up a seat across the club, where you can see her, and she can see what men approach her, talk with them, etc. Not actually do anything with them, but just see what the 'bait' draws. This can be a sexual charge machine for some, as they see how attractive their wives are to other men, and for the wives to feel so attractive as well.
  
• Try out a nude beach.
  
• Spend time/money on high quality lingerie shopping with her.
  
• Try sex jewelry; thinking nipple rings/chains (not piercings here), etc.
  
• Try having sex in risque locations, in public places, but not necessarily such that you would be caught. Even some privacy in a movie theatre can lead to some fun petting, etc.
  

 

The lifestyle can be a sexual charger, there's no doubt. Many, many couples report that getting into, even thinking about getting into the lifestyle has caused a massive uptick in how horny they are. Many couples report that immediately after their first encounter in swinging, they can't keep their hands off of each other for days afterwards. Serious excitement.

 

It is great that you have spent so long talking about swinging. The open communication is a very key ingredient in successful swinging. Keep it going! It's ok to talk over things you've talked about before regarding swinging. Also, is swinging a subject the two of you talk about outside of the bedroom, while mundane every day things are going on? Swinging is a great fantasy, but for some couples it's better left a fantasy. A good way to check on that is how comfortable you feel talking about swinging with your spouse while doing mundane, non-sex related things.

 

How to start? There's no 'right' way to start. How you both want to start is your own 'right' way. A swing club is great for many couples. Getting together over dinner with another lifestyle couple can be a great experience too, even if you don't do anything but have dinner with them. It's nice to meet with another couple who are swingers, to kinda prove to yourself that swingers are just your average people (with a fun twist!). Same room sex can be a great way to dip your foot in the pool, so to speak. If there's any sense that it's wrong for you, there's a reasonable chance it will come out there, and you would have not done any actual swapping; nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Whatever your decisions, please feel free to keep asking questions here. We love helping people, and are very happy to answer anything you might ask!

[socalers 29]

vegas - i see what you mean about clubs being your preference. my only issue is that i'm not much of a dancer although i am very outgoing and sociable. dancing has never been my thing since i'm a bit of a rocker. i always associate clubs with lots of dancing although i've never been to a swingers club.

 

bb - thanks for the thoughtful post. in fact, we do discuss the lifestyle outside the bedroom. we've discussed everything from the benefits such as fantasy fulfillment to the not so fun stuff such as protecting ourselves from potential STDs and pregnancy.

 

one thing i would like to add is that i do not want to put words into my wife's mouth. we'll see if she chimes in on my interpretation on how she feels about swinging in my initial post.

[socalers 29]

Hi There-

I'm the wife counterpart to our happy but curious couple and here's my chime. I'm a bit more laid back about our decision to explore 'the lifestyle'. Although still nervous about the idea of actually 'doing' it (pun intended...)

 

I guess I've never really had any hangups or concerns, just hasn't been a road we as a couple have gone very far down. Like many I'm sure, I've had fantasies about swinging, just always wanted to find the 'right' couple. For me, it seems someone I know somewhat and can trust vs. someone we pick up at a club would be better. I've been the one that, as we made friends with a new couple for what ever reason, have thought hmmm... maybe with them? Typically though, we never go down that road and wind up getting too close to people to feel comfortable introducing that kind of angle to a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, hubby and I haven't always been equally amenable and open to the lifestyle, but we're happy as a couple so it hasn't been a big deal to me.

 

So now we are getting more serious about moving forward. I really like the idea of using posts on this site as a way to get more information, share ideas and just get more comfortable. As a full time working mom, my primary concerns at this point are more practical. We have younger children, tight finances and not alot of babysitting support. I'd love to hear from others about overcoming those more practical obstacles.

 

The more serious issues about trust, insecurities and the like are things I feel, we have discussed (and continue to do so) and we can address as we move forward. I'm one who likes to plan ahead, but doesn't beat myself up over what may be.

 

I welcome any input/advice from others and appreciate what the responses so far. Guess I'll be seeing everyone around!

[VegasLee 1,486]

socalers,

 

I have been going to clubs/parties for 30+ years. Have not dance more then maybe a dozen times and that has not been at all in the last 20 years.

 

Dancing is not a requirement.

[Tina and Bob 236]

Hi Socalers, you seem like a nice couple that has it together. You two are in a great location with lots of options. I know there are inland empire group socials, house parties, clubs etc. Socials are a nice way to meet other people in a no pressure atmosphere. Also nothing wrong with going to clubs and just observing and if you choose playing amongst yourselves. We also enjoy going to nudist resorts. In terms of tight finances you'll probably want to eventually find a couple/single that can host, and then find a dependable not too expensive baby sitter. There are plenty of us where both work full time so typically the playtime is limited to weekends. Good luck

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I have been going to clubs/parties for 30+ years. Have not dance more then maybe a dozen times and that has not been at all in the last 20 years.

 

Dancing is not a requirement.

 

Are we talking vertical or horizontal dancing!?!?!

[lovinher 505]

Maybe it's just me. But I think sexual boredom is probably one of the worst reasons to swing.

[twistedpretzels 100]

Hi,

I am new to this myself... My BF has had various experiences throughout the years and I am so happy that we are taking our time with the process. We have had one mmf that wasn't gratifying or successful (the other M was stressed or something..?) but it did get me into the 'dark side' as we say. lol. We've met numerous cpls for dinner. It seems difficult to find that 4 way chemistry for us so we are talking about going to a club soon (He's done that years ago). I am actually going to a club by myself this weekend as a voyeur. I am odd. For me I just need to get over the shock of a club and get on with it. I've even done this going to a meetup.com event for a book group and a wine tasting. Not sure 'what it is all about' I just need to check it out. This helps my comfort level and learning curve. Like I said, I guess I am odd. Pete and I did go to a meet and greet and that was fun and we met a guy who we will eventually swing with, but due to life, distance this will take some planning. The meet and greet was interesting as there was a request for 3 male volunteers-- Pete wanted an experience, he didn't know what they were going to do (but i figured it out as it was happening and i was fine with it)..... and Pete went to a 'glory hole'. I thought it was kind of a weird thing to do for a meet and greet, but we are adults, and it tested a jealousy factor in me so it was all good. The other thing is-- that I've chatted with folks and a percentage of folks only end up swinging a few times a year. Life, planning, money, children... only allow occassional play dates and there's nothing wrong with that too.

[twistedpretzels 100]

i don't think so lovinher. maybe you are stuck on the phrase he used but his overall post is clear and genuine.

[socalers 29]

who wouldn't experience some boredom after 23 years? we need some excitement!

 

thanks for all of the great posts. we are going take things very very slow and expand our boundaries as our comfort level increases. since my wife is looking for a more intimate setting and is a tad bit uncomfortable with going to a club, we are going to take the more difficult and time consuming online route to find another couple that fits us. maybe do a little webcam play.

 

thanks again!

[eldiablo311 201]

I think that was some really good advise bbarnsworth! I like the idea of having the wife/girlfriend dress up sexy and go out to a regular club and watch from a distance the guys hit on her...I think that could be a turn-on for sure! I also agree with the statement that watching your wife/girlfriend fuck another guy doesn't mean you are gay or bi, I think it is a totally unrelated thing although I do understand the concern of your wife/girlfriend maybe wondering that. I think, after reading a lot of different post on different websites that this MFM fantasy is pretty common...more common than people think and maybe more so that the "every guys fantasy" of FMF.

 

I understand totally the idea and feeling of needing to spice things up in the sex life. Me and my girlfriend have been together almost 4 years and my ex and I were together for about that same amount of time, and I feel that it is perfectly normal and natural to feel like things can become a little routine after even a few years together with the same person. In a way I feel society expects us to be with one person our whole life, but we are fighting nature and our instinct is to be with multiple people...that is just my opinion.

 

My girlfriend and I have done the same things to spice up our relationship, mutual mastrubation...porn...strip clubs...anal...toys...etc. I think this has nothing to do with being bored or not attracted to the person you are with, it is just a basic human emotion or drive. Nobody would want to eat chicken everyday for every meal even if you love chicken, as I do! LOL! I am joking, but I think that is somewhat the mindframe behind all of this. I also feel that if you really love someone, what is bad about seeing them get extreme pleasure from something, even if that something is not you and it is another person?

[twistedpretzels 100]

The online thing to meet cpls can be a bit hard and tedious-- I would consider a meet and greet listed under 'events' in SLS. Then you meet a variety of people and if you are interested you can share phone numbers etc or find their profile listed on the sign up page for the meet and greet. The meeting for drinks or dinner thing is okay but we've gotten all kinds of responses. Out of the 6 couples we've actually met in the past 6+ months only one cpl had pleasant neutral communication skills for a decline (It was great to meet you but I don't feel like we are a good match...blah blah-- and we agreed...)--- another very seasoned cpl got an 'emergency phone call' (give me a break), and another the cpl the woman became cold and uncommunicative when we walked to the ladies room together-- weird vibes. Another cpl was interested in long term and the woman and i emailed -- she told me not to worry they wanted to take their time in getting to know us as i told her i was nervous and excited to meet. We had a great dinner but we got a text a short while later that dinner was nice but anything else was a no go. Then the husband writes Pete and said I wasn't exciting enough like my emails (I was nervous!)--THEN two weeks later he writes again and said she had second thoughts and felt she misjudged me and he suggested i start sending her lots of emails again. I don't think so. I was willing to look over her being very spoiled but not being fickle and very rude. LOL.

So these were the people we MET. Then there were plenty of others that plan a meet and then cancel or evaporate prior to meeting. And you spend time and effort with the few emails or IMs you send. I am just pointing out it is a process. I've also contacted people asking to read our profile with never any response--- When I first started I thought it would be easy to hook up with some people but it isn't. Like folks say, I guess quite a few profiles are just BS. It CAN be titilating to chat with some people so that is fun. So this is why we started going to meet and greets and will begin trying some clubs to see if we can make some real contacts (We do have one cpl we will be meeting....)...

The other thing about going to clubs is we don't necessarily have to be with a cpl... hoping to mix and match some.....LOL. Best wishes again from one newbie to another...

[socalers 29]

twistedpretzels,

 

ugh that does not sound fun. but we are going to try it anyways. excuse the noob question but what exactly is a meet and greet?

[Dont.Stop 339]

Meet and Greets are generally held at bars. Swingers get to together to meet other swingers. You can meet a bunch of couples at a time. Some are looking for potential partners, others just looking to tell stories and share experiences that they can't with their vanilla friends.

 

We have lots of fun at these. Naturally, swingers are almost always all laid-back folks who are very friendly. At these events I refuse to shake hands with the ladies... hugs always on first introduction.

 

There are meets & greets, off premise clubs (you meet with the intention of getting a room nearby that night), and on-premise, where you get naked right there.

 

Create a profile and Swing Lifestyle and you can see what meet & greets are coming up in your area. Then if you're ready, step up. Or stay where you are. Just have fun.

[LFM2 1,482]

Maybe it's just me. But I think sexual boredom is probably one of the worst reasons to swing.

 

Nope, not just you. I can honestly say after 20 some years of marriage, we never got bored with our sex life. We did get curious though... and wanted something different. Something more.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I wouldn't get too caught up in the "boredom" statement. I think each of us have our own definitions of it, and that can cause miscommunication of the idea. It's one thing to say "Having sex with you is boring, and I want to play with other people", and an entirely different thing to say "We've explored a lot of sexual activities over the years, and we're getting a little bored, and we think it might be fun to bring other people into the bedroom with us".

This statement by the OP leads me to think that the second phrase listed above is the case:

when we have sex, it is usually great. we are both still very much sexually attracted to one another.

 

IMHO, I'm thinking this isn't the time to get caught up in the semantics of one phrase.

[socalers 29]

yeah i agree "boredom" really isn't the right word. we really aren't bored with each other or we wouldn't still be together or even considering ways to spice up our sex life. maybe "routine" is a better word but even that doesn't quite fit either. let's just say we are looking to expand our boundaries and add some additional variety to our sex life.

[susanandsteve 32]

We started at a club and it was perfect for us. I think we truly 'lucked out' because the people we met were amazingly great. The men treated me well and respectfully and the women were nice to my hubby. We simply went very committed to having the experience with a 'no crime,no foul' attitude if the next day we decided not to pursue things further. We liked it so much we even played with more than one couple that night. Pretty crazy and pretty darn fun. Yet, I think we had the right point of view: Have the best experience possible and not have regrets even if we never did it again.

[TheRedHalf 81]

Yet, I think we had the right point of view: Have the best experience possible and not have regrets even if we never did it again.

 

This is a great way of looking at it. My wife and I are still talking over specifics and this could help relieve some of the pressure.