Dealing with a partner who doesn't seem into it.

[BePassionate 15]

My wife and I have been together for about 19 years. We did some group sex early on (before we were married) and some clubs and house parties about 10 years ago. Aside from two MFM threesomes in the decade since, we've been pretty inactive in the Lifestyle.

 

A couple of months ago we got drunk with another couple we've been friends with for years, and after a while it came out in the conversation. They were shocked at first, and then really interested. We ended up spending hours talking about everything from STD's to jealousy.

 

A few days later the husband came to me and asked whether we were interested in doing anything with them. I discussed it with my wife, and after another discussion with the four of us together ended up deciding to do a MFMF soft swap. Within 20 minutes, he and my wife had proceeded to full swap. His wife seemed shocked at first, but then asked whether I wanted to do the same. When I said yes, we went full swap as well. The thing was...she really didn't seem that into it. No kissing, no foreplay, no touching, nothing. I couldn't even get her to try an interesting position, just straight old missionary in-and-out.

 

When they called up the next day to talk about how much they'd enjoyed it, I just wrote it off to either nervousness on her part, or plain old lack of skill in bed. So when they asked to try it again two weeks ago, I didn't hesitate to oblige.

 

Same thing. He and my wife went at it like teenagers, while she seemed uninterested. She actually recoiled a bit when I tried to lick her boob, and pushed me away when I tried to use my fingers. Once more, she just wanted the plain old missionary in-and-out. At that point, I decided that she wasn't into it, and tapped in with my wife (who is ALWAYS great in bed). I was a bit shocked when I looked over a minute later to see my friend and his wife going at it like madmen. Over the next 30 minutes, they pretty much did everything you might imagine...every method and every orifice. It turns out that she's NOT frigid or boring in bed at all. Just with me.

 

I called her up the next day and asked her about it. She said that I was good in bed, but couldn't mentally get into the whole swapping thing and really only did it because it's what her husband wanted. After saying that, she quickly backpedaled and said that she DID enjoy it and wanted to keep doing it, but that she needed "time to warm up to the whole thing".

 

The husband sent me a text yesterday, wanting to know if we're into doing something over the weekend of the 4th. They have a cabin on a nearby lake and wanted to do an overnighter. I called his wife up to talk about the logistics and gently probe her interest, and she immediately said that she was looking forward to it. My gut is still telling me to say no, because I've got this feeling that she's being pushed into it and I'm really not comfortable with that idea. My wife is telling me not to worry about it, and that she's just still nervous and is getting used to it. On top of that, my wife learned yesterday that the woman was apparently a virgin when they married, which makes me only the second guy she's ever slept with. My wife says that it's pretty natural for her to be unsure of herself, because she has so little experience with guys.

 

While I can see her point and understand that she might be right, I'm not sure that it overrides the fact that she may be getting pressured into doing this. If not by him, then by her own desire to make him happy.

 

He wants to do it, his wife SAYS she wants to do it, my wife tells me that I'm reading too much into this, and that I should just do it if she's OK with it...but I STILL have this dirty feeling about the whole thing like I'm taking advantage of her.

 

What would you do

[BigNikki 44]

Big Nikki here.

 

The good thing about long narrative questions is that they answer themselves.

 

If you can read your post with the objective, disinterested eye of a stranger -- easier said than done, I admit -- you'll find all the answer you need.

 

-- Big Nikki

[BePassionate 15]

Sorry about the length, but I've been thinking about this a lot and just sort of laid it all out there.

 

My problem is that I really have TWO answers from all of this:

1. If she's not really into it, I should stop it now and not be a party to pressuring her into something she doesn't want to do. A person shouldn't need to be "convinced" to participate in this sort of thing...they either want it, or they don't.
    
   
2. Of the four people involved, I'm the only one who seems to be questioning whether or not to continue. The other three, including the woman herself, say that we should continue until she gets more into it. It's possible that I'm just being overprotective and reading way too much into this, and that I should just go with it until she actually says that she wants to stop. By stopping it when she says she wants to continue, I'm being a bit paternalistic (my wifes words). I'm trying to "save" her when she says that she doesn't want to be saved.
    
    
   

 

Strong arguments can be made for both answers.

[angelkin 1,326]

You have to go with your gut here...but if I was in your shoes, I'd try one last time. Since you spoke to her about it and the date is week or so off, maybe she will wrap her mind around it by then and begin to cut loose.

[lovinher 505]

Big Nikki here.

 

The good thing about long narrative questions is that they answer themselves.

 

If you can read your post with the objective, disinterested eye of a stranger -- easier said than done, I admit -- you'll find all the answer you need.

 

-- Big Nikki

 

 

You may lose a friendship over this so I'd tread very carefully.

I agree with Big Nikki. But I might give it another try if they brought it up again several times. I'm always ready to give a friend the benefit of the doubt. If she reacts the same without some improvement she either isn't into swinging or she isn't into you. Then good luck in getting out of this with your friendship intact. Whatever you do, don't say a thing about her performance or that she wasn't into it. If you do, kiss this friendship goodbye. If this was a couple I didn't know very well, or wasn't friends with then I'd have to be truthful. If only to possibly help get a reluctant wife (or husband) out of the lifestyle.

[BePassionate 15]

If I go one more time, it brings up another question...should I tell her that ahead of time?

 

"Hey, you didn't seem really into this the last couple of times. If it still isn't working for you next time, I don't want to do this anymore."

 

On one hand, honesty is a good thing and it might make her relax a bit. Of course, it also just might make her fake it a little more to keep from disappointing everyone.

 

FWIW, this is also the first time we've ever done anything with people we really knew. Our previous experiences were more club-type environments, where we didn't have any sort of relationship with the people we were playing with. I've known this couple for years and care about her as a friend, so I'm a bit worried about doing something that she'll later resent.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

If you do go farther I would certainly put the ball in her court to slow down. By this I mean that I wouldn't necessarily hold way back. I'd bring on the flirt. I'd still be cautious for red flags, but I'd try to be assertive about play.

 

I've run into it in the past where my timidness with a play partner that was "warming up" to it was a turn off. She wanted a guy to be more dominant. The minute I turned up the heat, it made her want it more, and then it turned into a much more enjoyable experience for the both of us.

 

She's a grown up and can signal you to back off if she wants. Just watch for the signals and I think you will be fine.

 

Then, if she's still not into it, it's time to call it what it is.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Mr Truelove hit on what I was thinking while reading the whole thread!

 

This woman was a virgin when she married her husband. She's learned what he likes and let's herself go with him.

 

She's uncertain with you and unsure what her husband is thinking about what she's doing.

 

OK, it sounds like your wife and the other husband will have a wonderful weekend. Why ruin that for them?

 

If it were me, I'd go. I'd be the same fun, flirtatious, and attentive man with the other wife as you've been in the past. But, anything past that would have to be at her (the other wife's) urging. Don't play hard-to-get but be passive.

 

I've, actually, had this exact same experience and it wound up making the woman one of the best, and most aggressive, lovers I've ever experienced!

[BigNikki 44]

Big Nikki here.

 

I concur with TrueLove and ViSexual. And if the result isn't warmer, then you know what to do.

 

-- Big Nikki

[slevin 1,374]

The minute I heard her say that she was doing this to make her husband happy, I would have ended things (in my mind at least). I don't care how quickly she backpedals. As soon as I hear that, it's over for me. Even if I'm the only one of the 4 who wants to end it, I'd put a stop to it. Fortunately with my wife and I, if either of us ever wants to stop something, we do. So I know I don't need to worry about whether she'll have an issue with my decision or not. I am confident that she'd be on-board if she heard someone say they were only doing it to make someone happy.

 

I wouldn't give it another go.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

She's uncertain with you and unsure what her husband is thinking about what she's doing.

 

Also, I have noticed that if one half the couple is really getting along and the other isn't getting much guy attention. Often the focus will shift to what hubby is doing. So plenty of attention may help her keep from feeling "outside" of the situation.

[lizandtom 512]

Stop now before your wife and the other guy get too into each other and it becomes somewhat emotional. You probed it just right by asking the other woman straight out why she wasn't into it.

 

It's supposed to be enjoyable for everybody involved. Clearly it's causing you angst and she's not into you. That's ok, there are many fish in the sea. Perhaps back the relationship up to merely going out to dinner on more of a friendship level, and make sure your wife knows exactly how you feel about the other woman's non-committal and that you're uncomfortable with it.

 

Been there, done that, and not worth the uneasy feelings it brings on. You are in this to make others feel sexxy and special, but the same holds true that others have to make you feel special and sexxy too; it can't just be a one way street.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

She may be into it, or she may be doing it to keep hubby happy.

The sex sucks though, and that's enough for me to say move on.

 

If this was a couple you met at a club, and the female just wanted to lay there, and rejected your attempts at finger and mouth play, would you go back for seconds later?

 

This feels as much like taking one for the team as it does a guessing game about motives.

[experienced 15]

She may be into it, or she may be doing it to keep hubby happy.

The sex sucks though, and that's enough for me to say move on.

 

 

Yup. The fact that you're willing to go there so that your wife has fun is really sweet....but don't take one for the team.

[Tia Vampire 167]

I also think that you should give her another try. She is trying to get to know you. After that is achieved, I'm sure she will be having sex with you like a madman too. Don't forget that they are new to this.

[sweet_tna 680]

Hmm, honestly, I'm all for giving someone a second chance. She's already had that, though, and things did not go well. She said she was just doing this for her hubby, which is a HUGE red flag.

 

Now it could be a case of nerves/lack of experience. I can totally understand that, but it leaves you in a precarious position. The fact is that you haven't enjoyed yourself in previous encounters, and have a bad feeling about this. You did well to express this to your wife, and I'm a bit bothered by the fact that she's trying to talk you into doing this anyway. Unless she's been talking to the wife one on one and has knowledge that you don't (which she should be sharing with you), she's asking you to take one for the team. Not cool.

 

IF you choose to go, don't be afraid to call a halt to things if you feel uncomfortable/left out. Hopefully, these people will put your friendship first and you can still enjoy the weekend.

 

Best of luck to ya'll

[Tina and Bob 236]

I am wondering if the shyness bland sex is being caused by being in the same room as her husband and your wife? Maybe if she was a separate room she'd be more willing to let loose like she does with her husband. Possibly she's timid about letting her husband see her in an aggressive mode with another man, just a thought and if that doesn't work, give it up and go drink, grill the steaks and wait for the fireworks! Good luck and Happy Fourth regardless.

[HappyCpl 89]

She may be into it, or she may be doing it to keep hubby happy.

The sex sucks though, and that's enough for me to say move on.

 

If this was a couple you met at a club, and the female just wanted to lay there, and rejected your attempts at finger and mouth play, would you go back for seconds later?

 

This feels as much like taking one for the team as it does a guessing game about motives.

 

 

+100!!

 

 

Another example of why Mrs. H and I don't play with friends, nor do we make friends with our playmates.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

To the original poster: What'd you end up doing and how did it turn out?

[susanandsteve 32]

How about just saying wonderful things to her and focus on showing her a great time. How about asking her what she'd like.

 

You wrote that you want to say: "Hey, you didn't seem really into this the last couple of times. If it still isn't working for you next time, I don't want to do this anymore."

 

Oh yeah, that'll motivate her. Why not say with a big smile,"I want you have a great night, tell me what you love to do ?"

 

If you argue for your limitations, they are yours. I have a strong sense that while she's telegraphing nervousness you may be telegraphing contempt, even mildly.